They say truth hurts, but so do un-truths

Every time I am sitting around with friends and we start talking about "Pet Peeves," I can never think of one. I mean sure, I don't necessarily love when people pop their gum or click pens but it also doesn't drive me wild with anger or make me want to lash out irrationally. One thing that I realized yesterday is that I do have a Pet Peeve and it's strong. It makes me livid with anger and it makes me feel completely overwhelmed with weakness, pain, hurt, and disillusionment. It is when someone inadvertently or directly decides that they know exactly who I am without really ever interacting with me. I have a few statements to make because it is part of me taking care of myself:

You don't know me if...

-- You know my family.
-- You have married a man who is black.
-- You have had a miscarriage.
-- You have diabetes
-- You are overweight.
-- You are family.. (you might know me but not just because we are related)
-- You are a therapist.
-- You knew my grandparents.
-- You know my father (Heck he doesn't really know me)
-- You know my mother
-- You know my sisters
-- You know my family! (repeating is necessary apparently)
-- You know my husband
-- You read my Facebook status' every day
-- You see my son in pictures.
-- You read my blog (sorry...but not everything is blog material)
-- You have heard stories!

Now, how someone is known is by spending time with them, asking them questions about their beliefs, feelings, attitudes, and allowing yourself to take them in. Developing a "KNOWING" of another person is not just from a handful of interactions, a few Facebook posts, and opinions of others. We should have all learned by now in seeing the craze of celebrities and paparazzi (not at all claiming to be a celebrity) that we can not always trust what we see, hear, and read. To be honest, I think the only way you can trust your opinion of another is by actually engaging with me, developing a relationship, and then making that decision.

Yesterday this happened to me. Someone unloaded all of their "facts" they had gathered on me based on Facebook status', other's opinions, and of course....they have actually talked to me twice face to face and one of those times was literally about 1.5 minutes long. The other was at a dinner after a funeral. In my view, those are not enough to gather an entire personality profile and judgment on anyone. However, this person had no problem calling me names that were horrible (hypocrite) and deciding that they knew everything they needed to know to form a full opinion of me. How sad!

This is what I have decided since yesterday, shame on me if I ever do this again to another person. I am 100% positive that I have and shame on me for that. I won't be doing it anymore. I will base my opinions on another based on the content of their character which I will only know after trying to know them. I am tired of renewing my sense of worth after someone tears me down without knowing a single thing about me besides who my family is and what others have said. I am angry and I believe I am justified in that anger.

If you don't have the time to actually know, please don't take the time to give me your report card. I didn't even attend your class!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Life is a mother!

I have been wanting to write this post for several weeks and just haven't found the time. Probably because as it will absolutely show, I am a new mother. When I say new, I have a 14 month old son. My days consist mostly of diaper changes, book reading, meal preparation, cleaning, snuggles, singing songs, dance parties, and playing with Maxwell. I get an idea for a blog post and I hope that it stays with me until I can belly up to the laptop for a few quiet moments and process.

I think that the idea for this post started a few weeks ago when I started to see a trend in my relationships with other mothers both in person and on Facebook. I am fearful in my parenting. I have noticed lately that I try not to express any opinions, ideas, values, or advice in parenting and I know why. I am fearful of other moms. I think that as moms, we are cruel to each other more than we are helpful. In the short time I have been a parent, I have been told how to do the following from people who are a little more experienced than me or perhaps are as new as I am at this: feed Max, bathe Max, educate Max, discipline Max, introduce Jesus to Max, and the list goes on. The thing I should note is that I never asked these people how to do that. I have asked a number of parents that I completely respect and share values with how to do certain things or even just ask them how they do something so that Anthony and I can come up with something that works for our family.

The people I am talking about in this post were NEVER asked these questions. The conversations looked like this (example of actual conversation with another mother)

Tamara (not actual name): So is Max sleeping through the night?

Erica: Yes, he takes two naps a day and then sleeps 10-12 hours at night as well

Tamara: You should not let him nap that much. He is stunting his growth. He should be playing and not sleeping

Erica: Well, we have consulted his doctor and it seems like he is 100% healthy and my opinion is that if he is tired to where he is falling asleep, it is not my job to keep him awake but to realize his body is telling him something.

Tamara: Maybe you need a new doctor

This conversation had me so angry because two things were insulted; my ability to make good decisions for my child and my ability to choose a good physician. Note: We LOVE our doctor for Max!

I have noticed that other mothers are my biggest enemy in this journey that is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's not to say that there aren't mothers who support me, encourage me, and pray for me. It's just that I have seen more of them that want to force their parenting ideas, experiences, and values onto me and Anthony. There have even been people who have wanted to critique how we pray with him, teach him about Jesus, and educate him spiritually. How in the world can you choose that for another family?

This brought me to a conclusion in my parenting: Never give advice unless you are asked. My opinion is but ONE...and not the ONLY ONE or the RIGHT ONE. The way I parent is completely in response to who my son is...since other mothers do not know him...they probably should not try to parent him. Does that aggravate anyone else?

Are you still with the mom?

Today's post begins with a little vignette. The other day, Anthony said he was introduced to a new partner with Starbucks. The new partner was in his late 20s and just begun working there while also attending college. He and Anthony were having a discussion when the topic suddenly turned to our son, Maxwell. This new worker asked Anthony how old Maxwell was. Anthony answered that Maxwell had just turned one year old. The guy then asked as seriously as possible, are you still with the mom? I almost don't know where to begin writing this post.

Do I start with how sad it is that our culture can't believe that people can stay together beyond having a one-year-old child? Do I mention that the young man was Caucasian and that it seems to me that he is buying into a stereotype that black men do not stay with the mother of their children? Or maybe I address how crass and rude it is to ask a question like that when the man you're talking to is wearing a wedding ring. If he really married to someone else already after having a one-year-old child with me?

I guess I'll start by addressing the sadness of our culture. It really has come to a point where it is completely normal to have a one-year-old child and not be with the mother of that child. I know that circumstances are sometimes beyond our control like losing a spouse. I really don't believe that this young man was referring to Anthony being a widower. I think he honestly believed that there was a possibility that Anthony had a one-year-old child with a woman he no longer loved or was with. I asked a few questions of Anthony before I began to break down the scenario. Anthony said that yes, the man had noticed that Anthony was indeed married. He had mentioned that he was married therefore there is absolutely no excuse for him thinking that there was a possibility that Anthony might be widowed or that Anthony might be a single father. 

I am so sad that we live in a time where it is completely normal that we have children with people that we are no longer with after only a year. Then I start thinking about the racial ramifications of the things this young man said. Anthony and I begin to chew up the possibility that this man was so used to seeing black men not be with their families anymore they just assumed it was a possibility that Anthony wasn't. Maybe he wasn't even used to seeing black men not be with their families, but was more used to the way the media portrays Black men as fathers. This brought me back to a memory that happened in 2004.  I was sitting in the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood when I noticed a picture on the wall. The picture was of a black man, holding an infant and that text on the picture said "be a father, don't leave! "I wasn't sure what to think in my twenty-four-year-old mind as someone who is always dated Black men. I have dated outside of my race more than I dated inside of my race. I probably always knew that if I had a child, that child would be biracial. Why we are talking about this, the men that I dated had either not been fathers or have been excellent fathers. Yes, I have dated men who are no longer with the mother of their children but they were also full-time dads and a few even had full physical custody of their children. As I thought on this today, I decided to do some Internet research. I went ahead and Googled "statistics on black fathers." 

According to 2011 US Census Bureau data, 33% of American children live without their fathers present in the home. That percentage also counts one in every three homes that have a black father,  where the father is an absent father. Now, I realize that that is a very high amount of black men who are not taking physical care of their children. Although that's true, isnt 33% of fathers being absent in the home a pretty large amount regardless of race. To me, this is less about African-American men not being fathers and more about parents not staying together and people having children not thinking about what it looks like to hold on for the long-haul. To me, this is an epidemic of parenthood, not one of black father-hood. 

In the same data, it also said that one in four white fathers are leaving home and no longer a present parent. Why is it that one more father in a black community creates such a stereotype that there are photos of black fathers being asked not to leave in Planned Parenthood? On the highway by my house in a very predominantly Caucasian area, there is a billboard with a pair of larger black feet and on top of those feet there is a tiny pair of black feet. On that billboard it says "be a father today. " Anthony and I drive by this billboard every single day. Does it remind Anthony to pick Max up and love on him? Does it make Anthony change one more diaper or snuggle Max a little bit closer? No! It degrades the fact that he is a father every day. Why are those feet black? I know that a lot of people will think I'm being sensitive. I know that a lot of people will think "there's got to be a billboard with white dad feet too, right? "To be honest, I doubt it. I think that there is often a tendency to focus on black fathers when talking about not being a father. It hurts those of us who are married to black men who are not just staying but are actively participating in their children's lives. 

This reminds me of another story. Anthony and I were newly dating in June 2006. I will never forget this situation. I was sitting in a classroom talking to a few fellow students in my graduate program. I mentioned that my boyfriend was coming to visit at school that day to have lunch with me. He showed up about an hour later and was sitting in the lounge waiting on me to have lunch. I went in and had lunch with him and he left afterwards so I could return to class. Those same students that I had been talking to earlier were sitting with me again. One of them without even thinking, said "so does Anthony have kids? "I sat there in stunned silence because to be honest, I couldn't figure out what to say. The answer was really easy. No, Anthony didn't have any children. So after a pause, I answered no, should he? The student, again without even thinking said "well most black men already have several at his age." Anthony, at the time was 25 years old. Really? Is that a statistic? Is it true that 25-year-old black men already have several children? Again, I had no idea what to say. I then answered, "well, Anthony doesn't have any children. " The more I talk about the story the more I think this specific student was ignorant. The next thing that came out of his mouth was ridiculous. He said, "oh, well at least none that he knows about, right?" I was disgusted and appalled that any person who at least have a bachelors degree and is pursuing a Masters degree in clinical psychology could be that much of a dope! How sad is it that he had no qualms about insinuating that Anthony went around impregnating people and not even knowing it.

I realize that day sitting in the beautiful state of Southern California, that things haven't changed that much. I was in one of the biggest melting pots in the nation of diversity. I was sitting in a classroom with educated people in a field that is known for being open-minded and empathic. Yet, it's still okay to imply that a black man is nothing more than a sperm bank  that goes around not taking responsibility for his children or the women who give birth to them. I was so sad and so disillusioned. When will it stop? When will these people accept that there are just as many black men out there fathering children and raising children. When will we stop and find that white men are not the only men to stick around and be there for their children. I'm here to tell you, from experience, White men don't always stay and father their children. The percentages may be higher in the black culture for fatherless children, but the epidemic of fatherhood is not just a black man's experience. It is a problem in every angle, in every color, and in every culture. Let's stop insinuating that black men don't know how to father and stop glorifying fathers that are just sticking around. How about we address the real problem here? The real problem here is men who say they are babysitting their children rather than parenting their children. The problem is men who believe it is a woman's job to raise children. The problem isn't about women in the workplace or women staying at home. The problem is about men who do not take responsibility for fatherhood.

It would be difficult for me to write this post and not say the following things: my husband is a father. He is a loving, nurturing, affectionate, involved, dedicated father. Guess what? He's also black. These things have nothing to do with each other. He was taught that it was the job of a mother and a father to raise a child. He was taught that you don't make babies unless you want babies. He was taught that sex was not just for procreation and pleasure but for love. He was taught to not just stick around but to be a daddy. Today, I want to say thank you to the father that I most respect in my life, my beautiful strong black husband.

Oh the monotony!!!!

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning and started my day as I usually do. The first thing I do in the morning is very simple. I change a diaper! Maxwell wakes up every morning and knows what to expect from his mama. I always change his diaper, and then follow it up with a dose of Zantac. Maxwell has recently been diagnosed with acid reflux. We found this out after having bronchitis, and an ear infection, and then the cough would not leave. We followed up this illness with several doctor's appointments to rule out various things. We had a chest exam to rule out pneumonia. We considered asthma, allergies, and even that he just couldn't get better. We are so happy to finally know what is going on with our little guy. This post is not about acid reflux but I thought I should probably address it since I'm giving him doses of Zantac. This post is about the monotony of parenthood. Well, maybe the monotony of motherhood.

I don't think Anthony is challenged as much as I am in the area of monotony. Anthony goes away from the house every day for over eight hours. He deals with customers from various walks of life and he has different conversations every single day. Not me! Yesterday I actually thought "I'm pretty sure I picked up that cheerio yesterday!!" My days consist of the same routine. Changing diapers, administering medication, feeding meals to my baby, reading children's books, playing with toys, changing another diaper, and laying down my guy for naps! Now, before this starts to seem like a ranting and complaining post, I want to say it's not. Today, I decided to write a post to all the moms out there who deal with the day in and day out of monotony. Not every mom out there deals with monotony. Some moms leave the house everyday and go to work. Some moms put their children in daycare and run errands away from the children. Some moms leave the house to work while dad stays home with the kids. I am aware that there are various walks in the journey of motherhood. My walk right now is that I am a stay-at-home mom. I recently stopped working outside of the house at all and spend almost every day centered on Maxwell. 

This is entirely new for me since I am someone who has always focused on my career. Anthony and I decided a few weeks ago that it would be best for me to stay home the rest of 2014. While staying home, I am choosing to get ready to work in the field in 2015. By the way, if you don't know my field it is psychotherapy. I am spending this year getting ready to enter the field by working on my licensing application and exam to practice in the state of Indiana. This normally would not take an entire calendar year but I am taking it because Maxwell needs me home for this year. As we enter into the next year I have no idea what it will look like. I have no idea if I will work full-time, part-time, or find some other avenue in order to make money and contribute to my household. What I do know, is that this year, I will be at home with Maxwell. I know that each of you probably have an opinion about the decision I've made. Although I respect your opinion, I do not need to hear it. I've made the decision that I believe is best for my family.

Now, back to monotony. I know going into this year that I am going to experience my fair share of monotony. I know that since I won't be working in the field of psychotherapy, I will be working in the field of mommy. Mommy looks a lot like laundry, dishes, and childcare daily. Although we have some exciting adventures like trips to the zoo, museum, running errands, and new experiences for Maxwell, on the whole it really is the same day… Every day! I decided to write a post giving you moms out there that deal with monotony some tips for surviving it. I would like to say that you could thrive in monotony but I'm not sure anyone really can. I think it is in our human nature to get bored. It is in our nature to want something exciting to happen. It is our nature to crave something new and fresh and different.

Here are a few ideas that I had to help me deal with the monotony of motherhood. Although motherhood can be very repetitive it is also really really exciting. It is hard to imagine a life without Maxwell now that he's in it. Although I love my field of study and I crave work again, I do not want to wish away the years that I have with Maxwell alone. I want to relish in the fact that I get to stay home with him and enjoy him while he's little. All of the years that I prayed, fasted, and cried over having a baby are the years I try to remember as I clean up the same cheerio day after day. Here are my tips for surviving and maybe even enjoying the monotony of being a mommy:

1. Keep it new and fresh.

One of the things that I invested in very early on in being a mom was a binder. I started to collect different activities, ideas, and adventurous things to do with my little boy. Granted, in his first year of life it was very hard to find things that he could be a part of. Mostly, he just napped, ate, and pooped. Now that he's bigger and starting to want to find out everything he can about the world, my binder has come in handy. My binder has things like ways to teach him new things, recipes that he can help make and enjoy, and even activities to help them stay active physically. I am one of those nerdy moms who tries to engage my child as much as possible. I am very strict about how much time Max spends in front of the TV screen, phone screen, or tablet. All of his toys are developmentally appropriate and help him to find ways to be where he is developmentally. They teach things like the alphabet, numbers, shapes, and colors. My binder has a lot to do with those goals. Every activity that I clipped out of magazines or wrote down from blogs or advice from other mothers has been to help Max develop socially, physically, mentally, and nutritionally.

2. Get outside when you get a chance.

I know that those of us who live in the Midwest have really been put to the test on this one. For the last several months, Maxwell and I have had to stay inside due to inches and inches of snow and colder than safe temperatures. Along with sickness and the need to bundle up excessively, going outside Has not been an option. I am so excited for the spring months to come so Maxwell and I can start enjoying walks, time on the playground, and nature adventures. The above-mentioned binder has several activities that involve finding things in nature, going on adventure walks, and of course just good old-fashioned getting dirty and playing. Since Max is now very mobile, he is going to have so much fun this summer.

3. Create a cleaning and chores schedule.

No I know this doesn't sound like a way to beat monotony. I promise it actually is a good tip. One of the things that I recently did was build a cleaning and chores schedule for my house. Everyone's house looks a lot different in terms of their actual cleaning responsibilities and chores. For example, in my house we have a cat. That means that one of the cleaning responsibilities is to scoop the cat pan and clean up around our food dish. Maybe you have a dog to walk, a birdcage to clean, or any various chores that involve pets, children, and husbands. What I did was build a schedule with the days ofthe week. On each day I find myself a room in the house to focus on to deeply clean. Also, every day there is a specific load of laundry that is to be washed. For example, in my house on Monday I deep clean my living room and deep clean my laundry room and do one load of dark clothing and wash the linens on our beds. This is obviously in addition to all of the normal tasks of being a mom and feeding my family. The way that I feel that this aids monotony is to make sure that I am not cleaning every day, all day. I find with my daily schedule, that once I am finished I am able to stop worrying about cleaning and focus on doing things with my free time that are more fun like reading, blogging, Facebook, and even once in a while watching a Netflix TV series. If I do my chores pretty quickly in the day, I can use Maxwell's naps to enjoy my own free time and possibly even start new craft projects.

3. Make sure that you are grateful.

I know that we are all always thinking about how to be more grateful and to be mindful of the things that we are blessed with. I think that as a mom is very hard to focus on being thankful when we are changing diapers and doing menial tasks like doing the dishes for the third time of the day. This is a bit easier for me because of the struggle it took to get Maxwell. As most of you know, Anthony and I suffered the loss of our first child and had a very difficult time conceiving Maxwell. We are also friends with several couples who strive daily to conceive their own child and others who are in a long journey to adoption. When you know these families, it is easier to enjoy the every day tasks of being a parent. I'm not saying that I do a happy dance every time Max poops and I have to change a diaper. What I mean by this, is that when he smiles I take a moment to thank God for his smile. When he says a new word, I praise him because he is so smart. When Max and I have a dance party in the living room while I'm teaching him the importance of Michael Jackson, I take a moment afterword to thank God for that little boy that I'm holding. It is so hard to imagine life without our children, but remember there are many people who have only lives without children. They can't imagine a life with a child and all they can do is wish for one.

I hope that today as you go about your monotonous routine of obviously reading my blog, that you try to make it better for yourself. There is no point in wishing away the days that we have with our children because they're filled with what we consider unimportant tasks. These tasks, although monotonous, are the essentials to helping our children develop and draw love from their experiences. Today, embrace the monotony!!

A little change, it'll do you good

I been thinking a lot about change lately. We had a lot of change in the Lewis household over the last 12 months. One of these giant changes was having Maxwell. Having Maxwell is one of the best changes I've ever had in my life. I've never been great at change. Change has always made me very nervous and it also really pushes me to challenge a lot of my own thinking. Change has always made me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and incredibly out of control. Another change that has happened recently in our house is Anthony started college. Although I knew he wanted to go to school, I really didn't expect it to be when our child was turning one-year-old. I often times thought he would do it when we were newly married or when Max was ready to go to school himself so that I would have just as much help everyday as I always have. Although that's true, I fully support Anthony going to college and getting a degree. The challenge came when he came home from school and told me that he had signed up.  It was a Thursday evening and turned out he wouldn't have access to his school materials until Friday. On Saturday some of his assignments were due, and the other half were due on Sunday. We spent the whole weekend burning the midnight oil to help Anthony get caught up when he had just started. That is completely out of my normal routine.

It is a complete understatement to say that "Erica is a planner."'I'm so much of a planner that I would have my books purchased a month before school, having read all of my chapters for the first day of class. I've also been known to have my binders divided and organized so well that others have borrowed my things to make sure their's is in order. I have never in my life had to do an assignment three days before it's due. I've always been the kind of person to be ultimately prepared and to really find it important to be on time and organized. Anthony is another sort of person. He is used to running late and never loses his cool under pressure. I'll tell you, that weekend really did me in. We got very little sleep, did tons of homework, and ended up spending so much time trying to organize Anthony that we got very little time as a family. I have a lot of help from Anthony in the father department. He's an excellent father! As a matter of fact, he is always my 50% partner in everything. Anthony always does bathtime with Max, bedtime reading with Max, and puts Max to bed. Now, I have a lot more on my plate. Anthony is often doing homework well into the night, which means mommy does the bedtime routine. Anthony still handles bath and bedtime story but it's always hard to see Max be sad when he walks out of the room. I know that Anthony needs our support now more than ever. 

Being able to be a mother was one of my biggest dreams. I know that Anthony feels the same about being a father. I also know that Anthony is having a very hard time spending less time with us as a family and mostly less time with Maxwell. I feel very sad for my husband because he's never had to adjust to a school schedule. I decided that I would not write about Anthony being in school until a month had passed. Anthony has now finished his first month of college and  I have to say he's doing wonderful. He finishes his assignments on time, studies well into the night, and overall is doing really great! Although that's true, I am having a hard time adjusting to the new schedule. I know that this is mostly selfish, and I just need to roll with it.

I think this mostly has to do with my difficulty with change. Change has always been difficult for me. Even when I was little, if we moved it took me a year or more to adjust to the new house. I'm one of those people that really likes my routine, my schedules, and my traditions. I'm not sure if I'll ever be different, but what I do know is I'm trying! I started to embrace the differences in our house including; doing more of Max's care, doing all the housework, and going to bed alone sometimes which might be the hardest for me. I know that this time is just a season. Anthony will eventually be done with his degree. Things will go back to normal or radically change again. Change, it really is horrible for me!

I realize you're probably thinking, "Erica, really? My husband never helps with anything and I always do all the childcare!" Well, I'm really sorry to hear that and I certainly understand that most of you probably do everything yourself. That just isn't how our family has worked for the last five years. One of the greatest things about my life is that I have a helper. I have a husband who continually helps me and gives 150% of his time and effort. That is not to say that Anthony has changed his effort at all. As a matter of fact, Anthony has stepped up his game more than ever. He stays up even later to help me, spend time with me, and definitely makes time for Max every single day. This is even if it holds him back from getting the sleep he needs to work. I really do have a fantastic husband!

So, the reason I'm writing this post is not because everything is falling apart and  to cryand whine about my life. As a matter fact, it's completely the opposite. I'm writing this post because I'm actually enjoying the challenge it takes for me to embrace change. I started to step up my game as well! I started to keep the house in more order and under a better schedule so that my time can be spent with my husband when he has free time. I started to make Max's schedule very tight also so that when he is with Anthony is more about free time and less about getting things done. This new phase of our life might be the next growth spurt in my life. This blog has always centered on my personal growth. It is always been about me becoming a better person. I think part of being a better person is learning to cope with your difficulties. I think being a better person means adjusting to things that you fear and learning to be there for the people you love.

Two of the things about myself that I absolutely loathe are that 1. I'm selfish. The other thing I really hate about myself is that my fears overcome me. The "what ifs" of life have always bogged me down. Immediately when Anthony started school the anxiety started. I started to think "what if he doesn't have time for me?" What if he doesn't have time for Max? What if this completely changes our life and our beautiful marriage is torn to bits? I know, that is a really silly process to go through. I guess that's why I hate it! I have always had more than an average amount of anxiety and it has always held me back from enjoying the parts of my life that are supposed to challenge me. Not this time! I'm embracing Anthony's school life. I am also helping him as much as I see that I can do. I'm adjusting to the changes and I am learning to love the process of change. I started to think about how useful I could be to Anthony. I mean, I do have a Masters degree so school is something I'm good at. I help him with time management, scheduling, and helping him perfect things. I also edit papers, make notecards, and basically support him the way he did me through graduate school. 

I decided that instead of worrying about how my marriage will be challenged during this time, I will work harder to create a beautiful marriage through time constraints. Instead of worrying about Max getting enough time with his daddy, I will help Anthony manage time so nothing gets sacrificed. I realize that change is inevitable and more importantly it's good for us. God puts us through seasons of life that are to change us, challenge us, and help us to grow. I know He has something wonderful planned for this change for the Lewis family. I pray that as you go through changes today that you also learn that change ... It'll do you good! 

No wonder it is 50%

Something has become very evident to me lately and a bit annoying and I started to think about it a little deeper last night in bed. In light of the recent issues with Gay Marriage/Equality debates, Coca Cola having the (insert sarcasm) audacity to act like any American speaks a different language, and bearded people who decide what God says about things...it has become evident to me that people that I know hate differences. They hate anyone who doesn't speak their language, have their color of skin, believe in their religion, attend their church, or have sex and experience relationships like they do. This blog post is not a place to argue right or wrong, good or bad, sin or not...just a place for me to get some things off my chest. The people I have known for years and continue knowing are really big complainers. You can't please them! It is 100% okay to have an opinion about things. It really is! I have an opinion on almost everything. It is quite another to say harsh and ugly things in the name of an opinion. Even more so, to say things that you are uneducated about entirely and then state it as "gospel truth."

Last night it was the Coca Cola commercial that showcased an American classic song in different languages. Just a tidbit of information, there are people who are 100% American and who also are fluent in another language as their first language. Yes, it is currently the dominant language in America to speak English. However, that isn't always going to be the case because we are a land of opportunity and many people move here to experience a better life. What makes someone who is a Native to this country any better than a person who has immigrated here or even whose family immigrated here many years ago. Many people choose to continue speaking in their first language even though English is practiced more here. I do not understand what is wrong with that. In my opinion, (and it is one in a sea of many) as long as they can do their jobs effectively, I don't care what language they speak at their homes, in their churches, with their friends, etc.. That is an individual's choice and right.  It would not hurt all of us to become more aware of other culture's and stop being so stinking snobby about being an American. You just happened to be born here...it doesn't mean you are better or your language is superior. I am saddened to see people I viewed as educated or at least mostly intelligent people say things like "They need to speak American" (not a language) and "That is not our country's origins" What History book have you been reading? We were not founded by a bunch of flannel wearing, banjo playing Hoosiers. I'm sure plenty of people would be happy to tell you the origins of America and that their tribe did not speak English. GEEZ!!!

Now, back to my point! I have noticed this inclination to complain about everything. People are always just belly-aching. I started to think in terms of my career and think "No wonder everyone is divorced!" In my house, there are already fundamental differences if you just look at the outside of Anthony and I. He is 100% Black. (No, he is not African American..he is black. His words) and I am a mix of White/Hebrew/American Indian. We start out pretty different. We also have differences all across the board. We were raised in different churches (same God, different churches). We were raised in different states (Indiana and California). We are completely different in height (over a foot of difference). We were raised in different socioeconomic backgrounds. We have all different hobbies and interests and some that are similar. Here is the point.We are different. You know what we connect on. We are human beings, flawed stupid human beings. We accept each other because we know we are essentially the same. The differences pale in comparison to this big similarity.

I think that we each need to start realizing that you are the same as everyone around you even though you are different. If you and the Spanish speaking person next to on the same day have your heart stop beating, guess what...you are both dead. If you and your gay neighbor who is married to the same gender get hit by a car, you bleed the same color. It is okay to differ on opinions, beliefs, politics, hobbies, interests, tv shows preferences, educational preferences, etc... It is not okay to think that someone is beneath you because you are different. This is probably why the divorce rate is over 50% at any given time. It is also probably the reason there are so many broken relationships in families. It is not that hard to accept that people are different. Before you get all flustered, I did not say accept something that you believe to be sin. I did not say accept someone hurting someone you love. I did not say you have to learn someone else's language or even be in their world. I said...ACCEPT IT. That means, it does not need a Facebook post if someone sings a song in (gasp) some "UNAMERICAN" language. It means, we don't need to hear about it if you think God hates homosexuals. How would you feel to hear that someone believes God hates you??! I'm sure someone does. Not everything you think and feel is right. It is valid..but it doesn't mean it is right. Perhaps, you need to look a little past your own very American white nose and see that people around you aren't all the same and that is the reason why you can't get along with anyone.

Until we all accept that noone else is exactly like us....we are gonna just sit around being a bunch of bullies who just find pleasure in pointing out differences so others feel small. Congratulations that you speak English, are married to the opposite sex of your Anglo Saxon white brotherhood and never ever sin. For the rest of us, LAY OFF!

--E--

Perfectionism is back, ugly as ever!

Hi, My name is Erica and I'm a perfectionist. (hears in a whisper, Hi Erica!) This fact has been a thorn in my side for more years than I could even explain. This little tidbit of my personality has led me to struggle with depression for years. I have always told my clients that the space between perfection and reality is right where depression lives. I have no doubt that I am right because I live it, day in and day out. My struggle with depression has led me to at times be suicidal and more often just really really lost. As a therapist, it's hard to imagine being suicidal and not being able to get a handle on it but I think more people need to recognize that often we go into a field because we are passionate about it. That is exactly why I did. I did not know how to heal myself and I  have always believed the old saying "Knowledge is Power." After years on the proverbial couch, I learned that my perfectionism was causing and facilitating the staying power of my depression. It has also aided in being unhealthy, stagnant in my faith, stagnant in my career, and caused me to hate myself at times. It has always been with me so I'm not sure who I am without it.

Lately, it has come to my awareness that perfectionism is back, heavily. Luckily, this time I'm catching it before it gets to suicidal but I am noticing that I am losing sleep, worrying about things that do not matter, and overly trying to control situations that are beyond my control. This morning, I was reading an article that someone posted on Facebook about procrastination. I read it because I might be the reigning queen of procrastination and I know that it goes hand in hand with my perfectionism. Picture this, there is a 15 page paper due in a class and I have been told months before it is due what the assignment is and what is required of me in order to get the coveted "A." I wait until the weekend before the paper is due and then sit down and crank out all 15 pages in one/two nights and do the least work possible given my time. I get the paper back and there it is, my "A." Why doesn't it feel good? It doesn't feel good because I know that I threw it together last minute and it isn't my best work. What if I had spent the time on it I wanted and got the most out of the assignment I could get? Well, then I may have gotten a "B" instead. What would it have felt like to know that my best wasn't good enough? That is the question I never want to answer...therefore I never give it my best because then, I can always chalk it up to being last minute if I fail. How does that really go with perfection, you may be asking. I'll tell you....

Being perfect has never been something I've achieved. I am a perfectionist which is totally different than being perfect. My health has pretty much always been bad. I have always procrastinated on VERY important things, and even when I have succeeded at life (as with my degrees in Psychology) it was always with the knowledge in me that I could have done better or learned more if I only tried. One area of perfectionism that has seemed to go away over the years was my need for everyone around me to be perfect as well. I used to have a difficult time with people because the minute a friend made an error in judgment or mistreated me in some way, they were thrown away like yesterday's newspaper. Now, I find that I can work through conflicts with people and really still value them as friends. I like that this has been sorted out. I haven't, however, learned to do this with myself.

Something happened a few years ago that tore my belief in myself into bits. It was in an area of my life that is really precious to me and it caused me to be benched. I walked away from something I love very much because in my mind, I wasn't perfect enough for it. I wasn't worthy to do the calling that I believed fit me best because someone disagreed with my methods. Deep down inside of me, I know I'm good at this thing. I know that God gave me abilities and heart for this like nothing else. I know that it is one of the few things that stirs my heart so much that I cry after doing it because it brings me so much joy. It kills me that someone's words of critique and selfish actions were enough to break my spirit. I know that my problem with perfectionism aided in this death of a dream. Now, what do I do about it?!

Like I said, lately I have been inclined to look at this. Mainly because I have a little guy who is watching my every move and learning things from me. I don't want him to rip up every drawing he makes because it isn't perfect. I don't want him to quit things that he could be really great at because he isn't perfect. I don't want him to not recognize his worth to Jesus because he isn't perfect like Jesus. Every day I wonder how I can be better for him and this is the area I feel God is speaking to most today. How do you get to where it is okay to be flawed and take risks? How do I let go of my sense of failure to again do what makes my heart ache with happiness? How do I go forward in my calling knowing that failures are bound to happen? How do I continue to be me and still act like the failures don't matter? How do I stop procrastinating on taking steps forward just to prevent the pain of not being everything to everyone? I am not sure the answer to these questions...but at least I'm finally asking them.

I pray that today you find that you are enough. I pray that I do too!

Thanks for listening,

E

Quit acting like a baby!

Today has been a long day. Max is only 1 year old so it can sometimes be challenging to know exactly what he needs at any given point. Through the last 12 months of my life, I have become an expert at interpreting cries and whines and even body language. Max has learned a few words but they aren't the more useful words like Tired, Pain, Needy, or Hungry. (although he does have a version of hungry I can translate) Today I was having an especially hard time figuring out what was making my little guy so upset and I started to think about why marriages, friendships, and even family relationships go badly. By the way, in case you were curious...Max just wanted mommy to cuddle him and give kisses and snuggles (I know, precious)

You always hear it said in magazines like Cosmo and self-help books that communication is key and I think we all roll our eyes a little bit but here is what I'm here to tell you, it is! I usually think that they are harping on talking period and maybe even expressing some feelings but I think my point hits a little closer to the nursery. Max is a baby and babies communicate using everything but language. It is incredibly frustrating at first and you learn to just go down the list of possibilities; diaper dirty? hungry? tired? hot? cold? or the many other number of things it could be. As the months go on, you learn which cries mean what and you also realize what time it might be or even the possibility that the baby is sick. My argument is that if we would all stop acting like babies...we might have successful relationships.

There is no possible way for someone to give you an apology(for example) if all you do is give them the cold shoulder or silent treatment. The only way to get a much needed apology is to say "You hurt me" Yes it is primitive but extremely powerful. Have you ever hurt someone's feelings and it took them more than a few months to say so and usually they said it while yelling at you or having a disagreement about something else? I have! It's painful because you just wish they would have said something so that you could have done your best to make it up to them. We all communicate constantly...it isn't important to start communication. Even Max, with his very limited language skills...communicates with me. He communicates through crying, whining, laughing, smiling, and rubbing his sweet little eyes when he is tired.

If you are in a relationship right now with someone and it's damaged, you are communicating. Maybe you are ignoring them, deleted them from your facebook (gasp!), clearing their calls, answering in one word sentences, avoiding them entirely, snipping back at them every time they talk to you, etc... You are communicating. Unfortunately, you are just communicating like a baby!

Adult communication is so important in relationships. It is important to "Say what you need to say" (John Mayer) To communicate as an adult, you must speak words and they need to include feeling words. Here is an example and I realize it is not always easy to do this but totally necessary:

Martha is hurt because her friend Tina decided to go to a movie instead of attend her birthday party. It is a very important birthday party for Martha because she is in remission after going through a life threatening bout of breast cancer. This birthday is more valuable than any birthday Martha has ever had. Tina RSVP'd that she would be there and then an hour before the party called to say she has been asked on a date to a movie and would not be able to make it.

This is a good situation where someone may just stop talking to another person and therefore get no resolution. If, indeed, Martha wants to continue a relationship with Tina, she has to communicate. Here are a few guidelines of things to remember when communicating like an adult:

• Sometimes three words are a great start( "I am hurt." ): This can be the jumping off point to just get the feelings out into the air. They are the hardest ones to come up with. After this, there is no doubt that a conversation will be started. If you can begin with "I am (enter feeling) " you are at least beginning the communication cycle. 
• Allow your needs to be met: If you need an apology, make sure you are ready to accept one. If you need something to be corrected, allow the person to correct it. If you need to be heard, be appreciative to them for listening and help them hear you better by having them repeat what they think you said.
• Take the time that you need: If you feel that you will be acting like a baby (ex: throwing a tantrum) let the other person know that you need time to process before trying to communicate. This saves a lot of heartache in the long run.
• Resolve: Make sure that you hold on to adult behaviors until the situation is resolved. None of the other tactics (throwing tantrums, throwing items, ignoring, slamming doors, breaking things, etc...) are at all affective. The only thing you can do that will either heal or resolve a situation is to communicate like an adult.

In Martha's situation she may have started with the simple " I am hurt" or maybe a few of the following:

"I feel unimportant"
"I feel dismissed."
"I feel that you chose a date over me"
"I feel like my life doesn't matter to you."
"I feel like our friendship is not reciprocal"

Maybe Tina was incredibly selfish and dismissive but maybe she didn't see it that way and did not feel that the birthday party was a big deal given that she sat in on every chemotherapy appointment and did not go on a date for the almost year that Martha was fighting the cancer. Maybe there is a misunderstanding...but one thing is for sure; there is no resolution with adult communication!

Stop being a baby!!!

One Year Parenting Woes

Yesterday marked a year since I've been on this journey called "parenting." I know very little of the game and have really worked my way through accepting that, and knowing that I am a work in progress. Every day of doing it, I learn something new about parenting in general and more importantly, about Max. Today, I read an article about moms being hard on each other and how we are the first ones to guilt another parent about how they do things. The article challenged me to look at the way I treat other parents and how they do their thing in their home. In my parenting, these things are true; I breastfed Max until I no longer could physically because I believed it to be the best thing for him since he was two months early. I also feel that giving your baby formula and nourishing them that way is just as acceptable and just as loving. Max sleeps in his own bed every single night however we have not transitioned him to his own room yet. Again, these decisions had much to do with him being early. I think that co-sleeping is also fine and having your child sleep in their own room right away is fine too. My choice was based on Max being so small and having a much higher chance of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I wanted to be closer to him to oversee all of his actions while sleeping. Now that he is a year old, we will work on transitioning him to his own bedroom. He now takes naps in his own bedroom.

With eating "real food," I choose to feed my son (at every meal) a serving of protein, whole grains, vegetables, and fruits. This is for a couple of reasons. First, I am a type I diabetic and Anthony is a Type 2 diabetic so nutrition is paramount in making sure that Max has great health. It is unlikely he would get my kind by heredity since they have now decided it is more of an autoimmune disorder but Type 2 is more about family history and health habits. We want to prevent this for Max, if we can, by teaching him good nutrition from the very beginning.  We have also chose to not include as much meat into his diet. We both believe that the more meat in your diet, the more unhealthy you seem to be. We have found ways to give Max great nutrition without bombarding every meal with meat. He does eat meat but it is usually chicken, turkey, or fish. Max may have had something with beef once. It is also completely okay if you feed your child ground beef 4 times a week and let them eat french fries. I'm sure you know how to handle their nutrition and you will do your best for your child. No judgment here, it's just how we choose to handle nutrition in our house.

Toys; Anthony and I only buy educational and developmental toys for Max. Granted, he still finds these fun because you push buttons, they sing or make noises, and they are colorful. He does not know the difference. I do not feel (at this age) he gets anything out of violent toys or action figures. It is just a fact, where he is developmentally. Later when he begins to use imaginative play, action figures can prove useful. I basically buy Max things that he can manipulate using motor skills, learn from, or make music with. However, I have no judgment in allowing your one year old to have action figures. I have no judgement in allowing them to have toys that serve no educational purpose. This is all about my role as a therapist and studying child development for years. I just appreciate learning toys and things that help Max make transitions to new developmental goals easily.

Television: We do not have cable in our home. This was a choice we originally made due to finances and feeling like we could better use those funds. Now, it is more about Max being here. We choose to watch movies, television shows on DVD, or not have the TV on at all. We only allow Max to watch things that are rated G for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that I have seen it in my own family that when boys are allowed to watch incredibly violent shows or movies, they act that out very quickly. Boys are naturally more rough and tumble as it is so we are trying to thwart the hitting, kicking, fighting that happens in movies and deal with the more natural way these things begin. Also, language and content of movies and TV at this point are not things that we want to expose our son to. Max watches a few shows like Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Sesame Street, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. As far as movies, he usually watches movies that Anthony and I have already seen and view as appropriate for his age.  Another big value for our family is not being a family who accumulates material things. Commercials are very hard on parents because they bombard children with new things and toys every minute not to mention the endless fast food commercials. We feel that Max not being exposed to this all the time will help him to have less of a sense of entitlement to things and be more appreciated of what he does receive. I will also say that my family members do TV exposure much differently than we do and that is their choice and for them to decide what is best for their children.Another big thing in our house is screen time is limited to two hours a day. I think it can be very easy for me to be a lazy parent when the TV is on. It can captivate Max's attention so that I can check out in the computer, Iphone, or my own stuff instead of reading to him and interacting with him. This can severely hurt his social skills and overall well-being. We also do reading time twice a day with Max. I am a book worm and want Max to love books. I started in the womb with that! :)

Faith: In our house, we practice Christianity. We attend church, pray, read our Bibles, and teach values and rules that coincide with our faith. Everything we do in parenting Max, we try to make a biblical connection for him. We care far more that Max wants to obey God than Max wanting to obey us.We would prefer if he obeys us because God asks him to and not because we ask him to. We hope at the same time we are teaching respect for respect's sake but we will take what we can and focus on Jesus. This looks like; praying when we get up in the morning and praying before bed, having house rules that Anthony and I both obey and model in front of Max so that he can see us obeying what God wants for us, and reading the Bible with and in front of Max in order to show him that it's hard to follow a faith that you don't continually practice and discipline yourself towards. In saying that, it is YOUR choice how you raise YOUR baby. If you choose to not attend church anywhere, not focus on any certain faith, etc... that is your decision and you are still welcome in my life having made that decision. I will not push my agenda on your family.

All of these things felt important to address today but there is one more thing. Lately I have been really kind of annoyed by something that happens a lot and is probably coming from a really innocent place but I feel like addressing it will help me not be so annoyed with it. Here is the situation. I am one of those people that really like to speak positive and good things about my family. I constantly talk about how great my husband is not because he is perfect but because he is great. He is a fabulous husband and father and constantly finds ways to make my life happier or easier. He does his job by the vows and goes above and beyond that. He is not only great at being married but is a fantastic human being to everyone he meets. Max is one of the sweetest boys I have ever known. He is mild mannered, affectionate, and very laid back. I am not under any illusion that he will always be quiet or always obey me. I know he is human and I know he is a boy. In saying all of that, it is not your job to tell me who my husband or my kid are. I'll give you a few examples:

Me: Max is so great. He sleeps through the night and takes two naps a day.

Other parent: That won't last. He will stop doing that when he is (enter age) years old and then you will never sleep.

Me: Max is a sweet little guy. He is very mild mannered and generally obeys me and understands NO when I say it.

Other parent: Just wait, you won't have that be true when he's two. He will not stay sweet I guarantee it.

Me: Anthony is so helpful to me and is a great father. I am very lucky

Other married person: Oh you've only been married for a short time. By the time you guys are married ten years he won't help you at all and will speak to you like you are trash.

Okay, so here goes my thoughts. First of all I am sorry you are miserable because that is how I see you. I'm sorry you do not appreciate the immense blessing of even being a parent and I'm sorry that your marriage is that bleak and depressing but don't hang that on my door. I do believe that Max (and Anthony for that matter) will make mistakes and not be perfect but I choose happiness and to focus on the things that bring me joy. My husband will not start treating me like trash because he cares about what God wants for our marriage and he loves me deeply. I also do not treat him like trash and that makes a difference. If he should ever treat me this way, I am in no way going to live that way. We will be in therapy before the second trashy thing comes out of his mouth and he knows it! :) As for Max, yes he is going to go through rebellious and challenging stages perhaps, but it doesn't change that I am parenting him with a bent in mind. I am choosing to teach him kindness, respect, and compassion. If he doesn't always practice that, it's okay because I don't always practice it either. It is part of life to make bad decisions, mistakes, and disobey sometimes. It is called development. It doesn't change that he is my child who I deeply love and what his character is deep down. P.S. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM anymore than I know your children so think before you speak into his future or his character. I don't tell you who your spouse or children are so please give me the same respect.

I think I'm done ranting now so happy parenting and when people do this to you, shrug it off...YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S PARENT!

Is self-care enough?

There was a concept in graduate school that was harped on more than ethics, empathy, or knowing our diagnoses combined. That concept was self-care. It is pretty self-explanatory, however, I am going to explain it because it seems that a lot of people might not get the idea. Self-care is taking your needs into consideration when you do ANYTHING that involves caring for others. This could be parenting, elder care, teaching, therapy, medical practice, or even as simple as being in a customer service position. Today, self care came up in my world because I stumbled upon an article that I had not heard about. I have been out of the loop in terms of blog reading and even non-front page news because of parenting so this really shocked me to find. I'll let you go and read the article first just in case you have not heard of the story.

Kelli Stapleton

I should first of all say that anything I say on this blog is my opinion and certainly does not declare to be a fact since I do not know Kelli or her family. I do not understand her struggles or know her daily life. I am just learning of her existence so there is certainly going to be some unanswered questions for me. I have started to read her blog though which can be found here. From my understanding, Kelli has written a blog called "The Status Woe" where she chronicles every day life being the parent of a special needs child, specifically her daughter Isabelle who is diagnosed with severe autism. Her last post is dated September 3, 2013 and on September 3, 2013 she and her daughter were found in their family vehicle alive but victims of carbon monoxide poisoning. She was arrested for attempted murder of her daughter. She was apparently trying to kill herself and her daughter. Heartbreaking is the first word that came to my mind.

I know it's easy for a lot of people to label her a monster and to just immediately shun her from the parent camp because of  what she did and I can understand that sentiment, I really can. I decided that once I read this article, I would use a different lens to view it through and not judge the actions but look into it. As a mental health professional, I always look further when anyone tries to take their own life and of course the life of their child as well. I think there is more than meets the eye here. I immediately logged on to view her blog first. I also started to think. I started to imagine the life that Mrs. Stapleton lived. She routinely was physically assaulted by her child, overwhelmed with the responsibilities, and it sounds like..not fully supported in her endeavors to get the best care and education for her daughter. I have no knowledge of the challenges of raising a child with special needs or more specifically a child with severe autism. I do not know the first thing about what it must be like to feel like you are in an abusive relationship with the person you brought into the world but I would imagine, it's crushing.

I also started to think about this simple concept of self-care. It is so easy to say that she should have taken better care of herself in order to care for her child but let's be honest, how many of us have lost hours of sleep we desperately needed, "forgotten" to eat, and even disregarded our own illness to care for our ill child and maybe our children don't even have any special needs that we know of. In Mrs. Stapleton's case, she had endured 14 years of being physically abused by her own child and she, her husband, and her other children being in a life threatening and very stressful situation, daily. My heart does not get mad at her but breaks to think of the anguish she must have reached to have endured that for so long and finally just couldn't do it anymore. My heart has been burdened since reading this article and although I am several months behind, I am wondering what my role can be in the world to help parents who get to this point and don't know what to do. Parenting is not easy for anyone. It is constant worrying, sleeplessness, happiness, joy, pain, self-sacrifice, and anxiety. I say that to say this...that is parenting a child with no neural issues or tendencies to beat the crap out of you daily. My post is hoping that first of all I could write my feelings out on this poor mom and her poor family. Secondly, that maybe someone would gain more compassion for her through reading this. Third, that I would be able to reach out to those of you who may be parenting and finding the end of the rope insanely close. If you are parenting a child with special needs, first of all I stand in awe of what you must endure daily. If you are just parenting, I feel the same way. Depression, anxiety, and suicidal feelings are no joke. No one is judging you here, God has a handle on that stuff. It's my job (literally and figuratively) to give compassion and empathy. So stinking heart breaking.

E

Before I die...

Lately, I have noticed an overall sense of rushed desires and lists of endeavors people wish to act out "before they die." You know what I mean! You've seen the articles about the 20 places you just have to see before you die. The 50 experiences you must have before you knock off. The bucket list app that you downloaded so you could start building your list based on a decent (at best) movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. I remember that for about a month after watching that film, I bought into the "bucket list" idea and started to build my list. On my list were the following things I remember; "See Michael Jackson perform live", "Play Black Jack in Vegas and make an obscene bet and let it ride", and the most impressive, run a marathon at least once. Who am I kidding? First, Michael Jackson pulled out of the station before I got a chance, I have no "obscene" money to speak of and marathon....HA!

I made a list of things that sounded pretty fun to do, sounded like I should want to do them (see: Marathon), and things I had wanted to do since I was a little girl. No, I did not want to let it ride as a little girl but I think you get the point. Buying into this idea did a few things to me. 1. It depressed me because the whole concept is about dying, not living. 2. It made me feel like the things that I have already done are inconsequential like receiving two degrees in a field I love, having extremely long and fulfilling friendships,being able to marry a man I not only love but deeply respect, etc... and 3. It made me go outside of the things that matter and focus on things that really aren't worth much, in my opinion. Where were the "goals" that said anything about my spiritual development or relationships with those I love the most. I think that "bucket lists" are an interesting concept and one that can serve us very well to stop and think about what we want to get out of this life but I think it is probably a little skewed of an idea. I think if any one of us were looking down the barrel of our last 6 months of life, the list would probably change drastically and say things like "See my grandchildren every single day and play games with them", make mad passionate love to my husband twice a day until the end", and maybe even "quit my job and just sit home and talk to Jesus in those hours getting ready to meet HIM!"

At the beginning of this year (2014), those thoughts came to mind about what the end really looks like. I think giving birth to my first child in 2013 really made me start to look at life differently and ask questions I had never asked. I started to wonder to myself, "What do I want Max to feel at my funeral?" I started to think about what I wanted Anthony to feel daily in our marriage. I wondered aloud what I wanted to feel about myself every single day when I put my head on my pillow. My life has been a bit uncertain since I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes in 1996. I knew that there was a distinct possibility that my life may not have the span I had always dreamed of. I might not live to be the 100 years that my great great grandmother lived. I might leave at 50 or 60 or even 40 depending on the level of care and turn that my diabetes would get or take. I am still aware of that as someone who has developed renal issues now. I do not sit around and think about the day that I will leave Earth but I probably think more about the journey to the end than most at my age of 33.

I try not to be morbid but there are times I can delve into that. I feel a sense of peace about the day that I do leave this Earth because I know, it will be the right time. However, I also feel a sense of responsibility to those people that I love to have a "bucket list" that matters and is addressed every single day. Anyway, at the beginning of every year I always make a ton of resolutions. I am one of those nerdy people who really like progress and bettering myself. I like being organized, doing projects, reading books, watching movies, learning new things, and getting my life more together. I always love the beginning of a new year. I am also one of those people who loves a new notebook. I love the crisp clean pages of possibility that sit in front of me. My husband will tell you that I only love that newness for the first six or seven pages and then the notebook is tainted and I need a new one. It's true and nerdy! This is probably the reason why my blog gets more of my writing, because they give me a "blank notebook" with each post.

At the start of the year as I pondered what my goals would be in 2014, I realized that I had new sections this year to discover. I was now a parent. Last year at that time, I was still pregnant and thinking I had a few months to go. I was more concerned about getting Max here safely and surviving a diabetic pregnancy. This year, I am today (January 22) a year into parenting. Max was born a year ago at 2:56 pm Eastern Standard Time. I have new perspective and new goals. Also, this year my spirituality has changed so drastically with the introduction of being responsible for another human being and their development of faith. My marriage has changed drastically through our new role as parents into one I really love but one I do not recognize from the last five years with this man. Things this year would look far different on my resolution list. Normally my list includes things like specific books I would like to read, specific health goals I want to achieve, and career moves I feel I need to make. This year...so different.

I thought on my journey back to the blog, I would start by sharing my vision for 2014. My goals for 2014 are separated into categories of Spirituality, Physical Health, Relationships, Mental Health, Parenting, Marriage, Fun, and overall togetherness of day to day tasks. They are varied in their importance to me like wanting to continue to exercise extreme patience in my parenting while being consistent and focusing on Max's adult-hood and not just surviving his childhood. Focusing on helping him became a great adult is a foundational way that I stay unconcerned about things that do not matter at all. Another big goal of mine this year was to clean up my health even more. I have taken care of my diabetes fairly faithfully now for 6 years but there are other things that need work. I decided that eating more based in plants and not animals would be better for my longevity goals for being here for Max. I decided that I better bite the bullet and start to really like exercise and even if I don't, do it anyway. This year, it's time to embrace my adult-hood now that I'm raising a little guy and modeling behaviors. I need to start thinking about what it teaches him when I do not get enough sleep or take on more than I can really do. I am focused this year on treating my husband like I might never see him again. What do I want the words I say to him to be if it's all over. I want them to be how much I love and respect him and think he is the absolute most gorgeous, kind, and generous man I know. What do I want my friends to feel if this is the last day I have to enjoy them. I want my buddy Nick to know it means everything to me to be in he and his family's life and I appreciate him leading me to the only thing that matters, Jesus. I want my friend Carrie to understand that no matter what this year brings, I'll be here to cry on or with. I want my nieces and nephews to hear that they are ENOUGH for Aunt Erica and that every word they say is interesting. I want Max to hear that his mommy wanted him so much that she fasted, prayed, and begged God for a chance to raise him.

"Relationship" is the key word for 2014. Relationship with my husband, son, friends, family, self, and most importantly my relationship with Jesus Christ. This is gonna be a meaningful year and if it is the last and this is indeed my bucket..I will know that I have accomplished my "list." Even though we are 22 days in, Happy New Year to you and Happy First Birthday to the apple of my eye, My Max!

Day #3: Sleep

Sleep

When I think about sleep, I think about how it has changed for me over the years. I used to hate to sleep as a kid and would fight my mom to stay up later and later. As I got into high school, it's all I wanted to do. I am sure this was attributed to depression sometimes too but sleep was a hot commodity. In college, I didn't do a lot of it and it was necessary to lose some sleep to get things done. Now, as a wife, mommy, and adult woman, it is paramount to my mental health and well-being. I am sure it always was but I just recognize it now. 

I think that sleep is not only a crucial part of your body systems working properly but also a huge part of your spirit being healthy. It is hard to hear God's voice in your spirit if you are frazzled and tired. Weariness was never the intention of the Christian life. A verse that pops out me when I think about sleep is this one:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -- Matthew 11:28

The case is that Jesus was probably talking more metaphorically in rest meaning a break from feeling overwhelmed or worried, but I think this goes hand in hand with sleep. If you have ever experienced insomnia, than you know that you are not able to rest in Jesus when you are not sleeping. Sometimes being able to shut your eyes, lay down, and let things go is a huge leap of faith. Every night no matter what I have to do, no matter what chores are left laying around, no matter what is on my mind...I go to bed with my son and husband. I make sure that we rest as a family. It's important to renew us for our jobs the next day as Mommy, wife, Daddy, Husband, and little growing baby! 

This photo captured my ideas of Sleep today...perhaps the word should have been rest :) 

Day #2: Beauty

Beauty

There are so many quotes out there about beauty. "Beauty is only skin deep.." "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" etc... Webster Says...

Beauty: 1. The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit. 2. A beautiful person or thing; especially; a beautiful woman

3. a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality. 4. A brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance.  

Over the course of my life, my opinion of beauty has gone through many stages. I thought I would show you how it has changed in pictures. This is my first glimpse of beauty as a little girl.  

Yes, I was in love with Michael Jackson (admittedly, I still sort of am) and he was beauty to me. I had no sexual feelings yet but I knew that his dark skin and big brown eyes were beautiful and every word that he sang made me swoon. Seems like the normal view of beauty as a little one.

As I moved into adolescence, beauty became more about things I wanted. This was beauty to me as a teenager:

I was a licensed driver and all I wanted was a 64 and 1/2 Ford Mustang (admittedly, I still do) Beauty had to do with things that I longed for, things I could touch, things that made me look cooler than I really am.

Then there was college. College shifted my view of beauty to a whole new level. Now beauty looked a lot like this:

In college, beauty looked like success and achievements. It felt good to get a Bachelor's Degree, then a Master's Degree, be the commencement speaker for my class, etc... Yet this time..I realized the beauty that I saw...didn't go as far as those others did.

Adulthood (AS IN ..NOW)

I can't post a picture to this part because Beauty is something I Can no longer really see. Beauty is the sound of Max's giggle when he is staring at his daddy making faces at him. Beauty is the tear that rolls down my husband's cheek when we talk about God's love for us. Beauty is being able to talk about your child (whom you lost) and long for the day you get to meet them finally. Beauty is the smell of freshly mowed grass as you take a country drive with your family. Beauty is finally being able to say MY SON and introduce him to you! Beauty is the sacrificial love my husband has for me that models that of our Heavenly Father's love. Beauty is my relationship with Jesus. These things...they are beauty and there is no photo!

I hope you find some beauty in your day today!

Day #1: Happiness

Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if people really understand the word happiness. Here is Webster's definition:

1. Good Fortune. 2. A state of well-being and contentment. 3. A pleasurable or satisfying experience.

The weird thing is, I don't attribute happiness to either #1 or #3. It is all "A state of well-being and contentment" to me. I have had a lot of misfortune that could have derailed my happiness but I haven't let it. Also, my every day is not always a pleasurable or satisfying experience but I am still filled with happiness. I think if more people would focus on their well-being and contentment instead of looking for the next pleasurable or satisfying experience to come, they would be happier. Also, I think that people are too caught up in having good fortune (everything falling into place) in order to maintain their happiness. My happiness exists in a few different factors.

• My happiness is due to my relationship with Jesus Christ. I have joy that is beyond my understanding at times due to HIS love.
• My happiness comes from having the love of my husband. His love brings me contentment and makes me feel safe. Those are two very important parts of happiness for me.
• Happiness is knowing that God blessed me with two little ones. One of them is in Heaven but I still enjoyed every pregnant moment and Max who I have been blessed to have almost 6 months already. Every day that I can look into his face, I am truly happy!

Happiness for me is filled with pictures of those I love and cherish. Happiness is not about how my day goes or how many experiences were pleasurable. It is about WHO is in my life!

I chose a picture that I believe that you can SEE happiness on me. Me and My boy! 

365 prompts for thought/creativity

So I stumbled upon a page today that had 365 words that are supposed to be journal prompts for art or creative writing or whatever. I think I've decided to do a little project with them. I think I'm going to use them as blog prompts and photos will go along with the blogs. I would really love if followers that are interested would do this project as well. I think it's a great way to start thinking about things and see beauty all around. Mindfulness seems to be a good result of this too. Here are the 365 prompts first. My next post will be the first prompt. Enjoy

1. Happiness
2. Beauty
3. Sleep
4. Garden
5. Imagination
6. Secret
7. Give
8. Thankful
9. Kindness
10. Inside
11. Outside
12. Jump
13. Friendship
14. Love
15. Fire
13. Light
14. Darkness
15. Dream
16. Believe
17. Hope
18. Faith
19. Focus
20. Clean
21. Angry
22. Work
23. Music
24. Stars
25. Mystery
26. Envelope
27. Book
28. Dare
29. Choose
30. Beach
31. Forgiveness
32. Disaster
33. Dance
34. Mistake
35. New
36. Yes
37. Path
38. Horizon
39. Mountain
40. River
41. Open
42. Heart
43. Soul
44. Tear
45. Spiral
46. Up
47. Go
48. Be
49. Seek
50. Learn
51. Balance
52. Grow
53. Strength
54. Seek
55. Passion
56. Move
57. Today
58. Awaken
59. Angels
60. Laughter
61. Listening
62. Pause
63. Peace
64. Relax
65. Space
66. Wisdom
67. Difference
68. Begin
69. Time
70. Brave
71. Breathe
72. Childhood
73. Discovery
74. Mind
75. Energy
76. Flower
77. Health
78. Harmony
79. Recovery
80. Stand
81. Nowhere
82. Soar
82. Skip
83. Fresh
84. Delicious
85. Power
86. Complete
87. Grace
88. Legend
89. Ecstasy
90. Hug
91. Proud
92. Simple
93. Machine
94. Victory
95. Vibrancy
96. Leadership
97. Alive
98. Bloom
99. Fame
100. Enormous
101. Independent
102. Unique
103. Metamorphosis
104. Silence
105. Tranquility
106. Project
107. Smile
108. Miracle
109. Amazing
110. Game
111. Connected
112. Muse
113. Dazzle
114. Determination
115. Free
116. Help
117. Intuition
118. Smart
119. Sweet
120. Honesty
121. Useful
122. Safety
123. Ready
124. Vision
125. Cycle
126. Discipline
127. Promise
128. Patience
129. Destiny
130. Rejuvenate
131. Shine
132. Talk
133. Stress
134. Missing
135. Age
136. Success
137. Motivation
138. Family
139. Loneliness
140. Experience
141. Future
142. Vintage
143. Wings
144. Letter
145. Wandering
146. Factory
147. Rainbow
148. Ask
149. Self
150. Locket
151. Home
152. Cloud
153. Hunger
154. Possibilities
155. Boredom
156. Innocence
157. Charge
158. Rhythm
159. Date
160. Consequence
161. Prescription
162. Goals
163. Lost
164. Found
165. Cry
166. Parade
167. Party
168. Ice
169. Dragon
170. Alarm
171. Understanding
172. Uncomfortable
173. Serious
174. Opposites
175. Playful
176. Attention
177. Caring
178. Hero
179. Lace
180. Clue
181. Ideas
182. Junk
183. Collection
184. Radio
185. Interview
186. Zoom
187. Puzzle
188. Landscape
189. Advice
190. Memories
191. Communication
192. Compassion
193. Universe
194. Loyalty
195. Sharing
196. Travel
197. Voices
198. Sidewalk
199. Tree
200. Story
201. Why
202. Maybe
203. Antique
204. Action
205. Culture
206. Fuel
207. Desire
208. Weather
209. Directions
210. List
211. Ride
212. Wish
213. Breakfast
214. Touch
214. Sadness
215. Comfort
216. Circle
217. Reflection
218. Optimism
219. Anxiety
220. Shadow
221. Spirit
222. Stretch
223. Challenge
224. Five
225. Messy
226. Adventure
227. Fun
228. Surprise
229. Illusion
230. Mischief
231. Shy
232. Lesson
233. Whisper
234. Fight
235. Castle
236. Protect
237. Shop
238. Wheel
239. Pieces
240. Leaves
241. Fool
242. Productivity
243. Overcome
244. Encouragement
245. Watch
246. Lighthouse
247. Mild
248. Mouth
249. Rare
250. Target
251. Boat
252. Box
253. Grief
254. Heavy
255. Zeal
256. Color
267. Social
268. Zingy
269. Number
270. Little
271. Sound
272. Reach
273. Money
274. Staircase
275. Lemon
276. Wood
277. Try
278. You
279. Quote
280. Weakness
281. Bridge
282. Building
283. Clothes
284. Prepare
285. Teach
286. Window
287. Drive
288. Middle
289. Microphone
290. Definition
291. Shout
292. Catch
293. Release
294. Balloons
295. Sharp
296. Crowd
297. Cute
298. Cheery
299. Glow
300. Apple
301. Pictures
302. Swing
303. Wave
304. Joke
305. Cope
306. Accomplish
307. Special
308. Neighborhood
309. Wonderful
310. Service
311. Calling
312. Magic
313. Spontaneous
314. Fluffy
315. Organic
316. Silly
317. Thunderstorm
318. Toys
319. Butterfly
320. Buzz
321. Vine
322. Shock
323. Enjoy
324. Craving
325. Respect
326. Abstract
327. Rainbow
328. Train
329. Invention
330. Perspective
331. Genius
332. Circus
333. Ball
335. Crystal
336. Fairy
337. Cup
338. Reality
339. Forget
340. Priorities
341. Journey
342. Hands
343. Shoes
344. Television
345. Newspaper
346. Radiance
347. Hidden
348. Fright
349. Climb
350. Guess
351. Pretend
352. Turn
353. Shatter
354. Together
355. Adapt
356. Keep
357. Closed
358. Embrace
359. Blessing
360. Block
361. Pizzazz
362. Breakthrough
363. Curiosity
364. Distance
365. Zen