Erica's updates.

Hello everyone. Today is my class day and I am seeing all too well the patterns of ericaisms happening daily. I am already behind in my reading due to not being able to purchase the books early enough. I am not feeling entirely ready for the day including my sleep level. I am not feeling well health wise because I haven't been eating nor exercising. I just feel like a lump. I am going to class tonight even though everything in me says skip it and catch up. I know skipping it to catch up will only lead to more behindness! (not even a word, I don't think)

I have been going through some emotional crap the last week or so and I am finally out of my funk and ready to move on and enjoy my life. The only problem is I still have to work and finish school while I am trying to heal. I have a lot of reading to do so this weekend I really want to try to carve out some time to relax with Anthony but also read and be alone. I want to catch up in all aspects and feel ready to take on this masters degree. Luckily after May I get a break from classes to figure out what to do.

Anthony and I are currently working on several projects in our lives including finding a post marriage place to live, working on planning our wedding day, (no we aren't engaged yet) and trying to think of the future. We are certain that this is forever....if we can just get details down. I love that man so much and want to invest in our future everyday. I want to be proverbs 31 for him.

I just found out my student loan funds have arrived so that is a wonderful thing! That means I can get my gym membership, fix my car, and get going on plane tickets for Anthony to meet the fam! I am excited for all of that to occur. I am hoping that God brings forth all kinds of blessings from this and helps me get in shape for my wedding day, helps Anthony to see where I come from and understand more about me, and that my little cavie will make it a few more years to get me through graduate school.

Anyway, I should get dressed and ready for a night of being unprepared. I feel badly about not being caught up but hopefully God will get me through the night just fine.

Much love until then,

--Erica--

Roses, and how special they can be.

So on Monday night I was home making dinner and working my tail off trying to get a 13 year old to study for his test when my beautiful boyfriend came to my house bearing 2 dozen pink roses and a cute little teddy bear. I was astounded and not even because I got flowers but because of the awesome reasoning behind the flowers. Anthony shared with me one of the sweestest reasons of ever giving someone flowers. I obviously won't share our persona lives on the internet but I have never felt more loved in my life. The more amazing thing about it all was that today I was a total jerk because of some things I am going through on my own and he was so supportive and understanding of my pain.

I seriously am completely blessed to be with this man! :)

Renewed Dreams & Old Pain.

I talked about marriage yesterday and today I decided that to really get my dreams back, I have to start thinking about what I really want. I know what some of those are like a degree in Marriage/Family Therapy, a great career, to marry Anthony, and to have a baby!! The other things are a bit hazy, so today I go back to dreaming.



I love this dress! I like dresses that are red and white. I think it's the most amazing two colors together and that is what I want in a wedding dress!

--Erica--

Marriage, Dresses, Venues, and life.

This title might seem a little shocking but this has been on my mind lately. Next week on Friday will mark 6 years since Adolfo got on one knee and asked me to marry him with no intention of ever following through. Thursday will mark just 7 months that have shared with the most beautiful man I have ever known, Anthony James Lewis. Both of these being true makes me think of marriage. With Adolfo, I really thought when he asked me to marry him that it was what he wanted. I thought it was what WE wanted. I was wrong on both accounts. Now, I can hardly think of anything else besides spending my life with Anthony. I get excited thinking about walking down the aisle to his smile, dancing in his arms, and moreso starting a family with him and spending every day more than making it work. I look foward to experiencing life with him, seeing new things with him, watching new movies with him, hearing new music with him, visiting memories with him, and growing old right beside him.

In saying of all of this, I have been spending some much needed "wasted" time on Brides.com. I have been looking through dresses, cakes, venues, flowers, etc... I have also been thinking about what I would say in my vows, what things are important to me, what traditions I want to have at the ceremony, where we should live, and everything. I feel sappy and silly doing this but I never did this before! Not even 7 years ago when I had a new diamond on my finger and a boy who loved me filling my head with empty promises. Could it be that God delivered the man for me? I sure hope so.

--Erica--

Feeling absolutely inadequate.

Have you ever had a day where you felt like you were not good at anything? I have been having that day. I had a giant problem with Chris today, fought with Anthony, didn't feel adequate at school, and haven't really had much fun looking in the mirror. When I got with Anthony I started getting myself together diabetically which meant going back on tons of insulin. This caused excessive weight gain immediately. Add to that, that I have become excedingly comfortable in my glorious relationship and you get Erica, gaining about 50 lbs. I am bummed about that.

We, meaning Anthony and myself, are going to get gym memberships in the next few weeks when some money comes through and I am excited about getting on my plan. I am going to see a fitness trainer for 5 hours of time and try to get a plan going on how to get myself fit. You noticed I didn't say skinny, I said fit. I really want to observe what fitness is and just get myself in shape. I need to come in terms with whatever body I might get out of it but I want to be fit and healthy!

I have to start giving more time to things so I can be good at some things instead of feeling inadequate. I am going to spend the rest of the night studying so this is me, signing off.

--E--

Martin Luther King Jr.

Today is a great day in history. It is Martin Luther King Jr's birthday. He would have been 78 years old today had he not been shot. I think it's severely important to remember this great man because he listened to the voice of God and changed my life and several other lives. He fought for what he believed in no matter what it cost him. It ended up costing him his life. How many of us can say we are dedicated to something to that degree? I hope that I am dedicated to several things to that degree. I decided to start today and through February quote a famous African American who has changed history in some way and gave benefit to this great nation. I am proud to date a strong African American man who knows what he wants, how he wants it, and is proud of who he is!

This is one of my favorite quotes...

Of all the needs (there are none imaginary) a lonely child has, the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God. --Maya Angelou, 1970

I think as Christians we all know that our true need is an unshakable God. I know I serve THE unshakable God!!!

Today my plans are to complete some assigned reading, write an essay for Christopher to get into Mater Dei High School, grocery shop, go get Chris from his mom, and watch the golden globes! Have to have some fun in a day full of tasks!

I love you all and will probably write at the end of today! Have a great MLK Day and God bless you!

Free at Last, Free at Last, Thank God Almighty We are Free at Last,

--Erica L. King---

Time = love...always has!

Time has been very restrictive lately with me working full time and attending classes full time, doing full time homework, having a boyfriend, and trying to get my health back together. Time has also been a great reminder of how much I am loved. Yesterday and Today were great for me because I got to spend time with two people I love dearly. Yesterday I spent the entire day with Anthony which is something I don't normally get the opportunity to do. We started our day out by going to eat lunch at Ruby's and have some great burgers. We left there and went for about an hour to the swap meet where I got a new book and some new shades. We then went and got Churros at El Pollo Loco and headed to Wal-mart to pick up my medications (ok, not the most romantic part of the day). After Wal-mart we came to my house to just chill for a while before heading to a $2.00 movie at 7:30. We saw "Flushed Away." It was a pretty cute little kids movie, we enjoy them. We capped the night off by just talking about how lovely our relationship really is! I was stoked!

Today was great too because I got to spend the morning having breakfast with Anthony and then I spent from 3:00 until just now with Heather and I never get that much time with her. We sat and talked for about 2 hours before heading to Macaroni Grill for some dinner where we both ate Shrimp and Spinach Dip/Salad/Bread and had great girl time. To top it off, my good friend Travis was our waiter. The night couldn't have worked out better. I am so completely blessed to have a great boyfriend and great best friend out here in California.

I also got to have a talk with my friend Carrie today which was brief but I needed to hear her voice and hear what's going on with her. I am praying for her so much as she battles some really big trials that I completely back her up in! I love that girl!

Overall today the lesson is, Time = love. I have always said this because we make time for those we love and things we love. I always make time for food because I love to eat. I always make time to read because I love to read. I need to make more time for me and my body because I love to do healthy things. I need to make more time for Friends and loved ones because well..I love them!

The plan for tonight is to do homework, listen to music, read, put away clothes, and enjoy that tomorrow I don't have to get up early! That certainly will be nice. Well, I should get to the rest of my night. I will write tomorrow in honor of one of the Americans who changed the course of history, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I stand in Awe of his impact on not only history, rights, and African Americans but on my life and the way it made me be able to marry the man I love!!! Thanks MLK! I appreciate ya!

--Erica--

Hanging with my baby!

I am not going to write much today probably until tonight because my baby is off work today and we are going to go look at new beds for me, eat some lunch, get some Jamba Juice, and spend the day relaxing and enjoying each other's company!! I love HIM!

The Notebook and some pain.

Yesterday while Anthony was here for a few hours and not working we watched "The Notebook" together and neither of us had seen it. I had heard numerous reviews of the movie from all of my friends and family saying it was such a great movie and I would cry so hard at the ending and such and such. I loved the movie and it certainly is one of the better romances of my generation, however there was no crying. I watched the movie and found that there was no saddness at the end. If you have seen this movie you know that the ending really is exactly as it should have been. Maybe there would have been crying if it turned out that one of the main characters were gone but not the other but the way it ended, pleased me greatly. All was right with my world.

Now, onto other topics. I am in immense pain today. I haven't had a urinary tract infection for a while so naturally it had to happen the first week of the semester. It's in full swing today and hurting like crazy. I have been up several times throughout the night trying to keep myself from feeling badly but if any of you have ever had one, you know it's miserable. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend so I hope it doesn't distract me too much. I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday so I have to hold out until then to get antibiotics. I am going to try to purchase an over the counter med for it until then.

I had my last class last night and it looks like it's going to be good. It's a stats class and as a rule, I am not really a math person but our prof for this class said it isn't so much computational as it is psychological stats so I am looking forward to it. It teaches me how to read research and that is something I really want to be able to do effectively. I am really lucky because I found one of my text books that I couldn't afford yet at the library and since I am a grad student I can check it out for the whole semester so that will save me around $40.00.

I am really proud of myself because last night I spent 2 and 1/2 hours working on reading assignments and such. I buckled down and removed all distractions and just did some reading and took notes over my reading. I also did a small assignment for Family Therapy and got to bed not too late so now I am up early in the morning starting my weekend. I am looking forward to this weekend even though the infection is here with a vengence. I have tonight to really finish up a lot of my reading and spend time with myself. On Saturday Anthony is off work so I have a really great day with the boyfriend planned and on Sunday I get to spend time with Heather which also doesn't happen a whole lot anymore. I miss her so much! She really needs the time as do I right now.

My list of things that are musts for consistency are doing ok. I seem to be getting into the habit of completing them more every day. By the end of this year, I am hoping these things will just naturally be a part of my life. Well, I am going to go and start on my list of things to do for the day. I hope everyone reading this had a spectacular weekend and allows themselves to be blessed.

--Erica--

Back to School

It's been a few days and the busy-ness has already pervaded my life. I had classes on Tuesday and this semester looks like it's going to be a lot of work but also a lot of learning and I like that. I have another class today and that completes my school week. Work has been pretty average this week with Chris just having normal homework and no big projects or tests so that's nice. The relationship has been going really well this week and we have gotten a bit more time together because I think we are making more of an effort these days. We have also gotten into a few really HUGE discussions and I like the sound of them.

Consistency is not perfect but better than usual. Anthony and I spent a great deal of time last night cleaning up the room and getting it "study-worthy." I am one of those people who can't sit down and study unless my area is entirely clean and free of clutter. I am now clutter free and able to really get into my to-do list and get things completed. I got a few things off of the to-do list this morning such as changing my cell phone plan, cancelling a few unneeded expenses and working on a budget for myself for this new year. I really want to be out of debt soon and that is going to take some serious discipline and consistency.

My spiritual life is the area where the consistency is failing and that is awful because it's the most important area. I met with my therapist on Monday and we talked about how I really want to get this area of my life under control. She suggested that instead of asking so much of myself I commit to 5 things in each area. I decided to bring this to the blog because I seriously think that the blog is a place for me to really direct my thoughts and work on things. So here are my areas and the things I want to commit to.

Spirituality:

1. Read daily bible reading
2 Do devotions (quiet time)
3. Pray (no set time period)
4. Attend church once a month (to start)
5. Give back in some way with time and finances

Health:

1. Take prescribed medications every day
2. Take vitamins every day
3. Drink a lot of water daily
4. Eat no pork products
5. Exercise daily in some way

Budget:

1. Only eat out once a week
2. Pay $300 on debt per month
3. Scale back finances in any way possible
4. Only buy needs until budget is in order
5. Budget every paycheck on paper

School:

1. Do everything to complete required reading
2. Turn in all assignments on time
3. Attend all classes
4. Ask questions when I don't understand a concept
5. Get more involved when possible

Job:

1. Keep dishes and laundry up
2. Always be available to Christopher
3. Be on time to everything
4. Keep a running to do list so I don't forget tasks
5. Keep updates with Richard on everything

Self Care:

1. Do some fun reading every single day
2. Talk to at least one friend a day
3. Plan at least one event each week with a friend
4. Do one nice thing a month for me
5. Have one date with myself per week

Relationship:

1. Spend a little time each day with Anthony
2. Have at least one date night a week
3. Do something nice for Anthony daily (no restrictions)
4. Tell Anthony how much he means to me in creative ways daily
5. Work on problems that anthony sees in me and that i agree with always

These are my main areas and the things I care most about. I am hoping that I can stay consistent just in these things and let other things go if they aren't that important. I know that we only have one go in this life and I want mine to count. I love you all and have a beautiful Thursday!

--Erica--

The Last Kiss

So I just finished my 3rd movie from Netflix and it was really sad and disturbing. It was "The Last Kiss" with Zach Braff. I really like him but he was not my favorite person in this movie. It was under the genre of romance but if that is romance, we have really lost the true meaning. This was filled with drama, cheating, heartache, loss, divorce, breakups etc... In other words, what the world has turned love into. It's sad that we are so jaded these days. I am hoping to really fully enjoy my love life and never turn it into something so harsh and volatile. I used to live just like that and it wasn't fun.

I am really starting to get a urinary tract infection and it's awful. I am drinking a lot of water to try to prevent it from getting worse but most likely I will be asking for antibiotics at the doctor on the 18th. I have a diabetic check up then and that is a good time to get everything else looked at too. I still have my chest congestion and a lot of blowing of the nose too so I might just have a roaming infection in my body that needs killed.

I am so excited because Anthony is off work and headed home and we have the rest of the evening together because he doesn't work tonight. I miss him so much so tonight will be nice. We have plans to grab dinner, some frozen yogurt and head home to cuddle up and watch a thriller. I miss my boy and just to have his arms around me is all that I need in life. Tomorrow it's back to the grind so one more night of vacation won't hurt.

Tomorrow I have work, a therapy appointment, and have to get ready to go back to school. I am excited about my new classes and starting this new year right. I am hoping to really delve into some serious issues in therapy tomorrow too. I need it from my vacation!

Happy Sabbath everyone and I am signing off for the night to be with my man. God thank you so much for so much beauty in my life.

--Erica--

A new week in a new year

So technically today is the first day of the 2nd week of the new year. I am amazed at how well the first week went. My new year is looking up except for a impending urinary tract infection I seem to be acquiring. Also, this morning I had kind of an emtional outburst with Anthony where I spoke not harshly but not sweetly and ended up crying when he left the room to take a shower. I am missing my boy so much these days. I see him a total of about 2 hours a day because 22 of them, he seems to be either sleeping or working. I feel like the quality of our relationship at some point might get harmed due to all of this work. I know that we need the money or whatever and I appreciate how hard he works but I miss him and need him sometimes. It's so true when they say money can't buy you love. The love is there and even if money is pouring in, it can really hurt the relationship. We are very happy right now but we are both missing the intimacy of our relationship and the time we used to have together. We are coming up on 7 months together and it's amazing how much we have grown in such a short time but either way, it is difficult because we are still in the newness and not seeing each other as much as we would like.

Today I have plans to finish up my room, get my school stuff ready for my new week, do a load of laundry, work out, and try not to miss the love of my life too much. I will be blogging here and there too. It's been keeping me focused in the new year and keeping me consistent. I am still doing pretty good in that department actually. We'll see how it works when I am back to work and school.

On other topics, I miss my friends. I miss going shopping with the girls, coffee, lunch, breakfast, any meal whatsoever, movies, etc... I miss just good old friend time. I haven't even had time for me since I started Graduate School. I think my next couple years are going to look like this and the strong will survive. We shall see. I really hope I am strong enough to survive it. All I can think right now is that I am ready to get married, have a place with Anthony, and start creating our family and traditions. I just want to be his wife and make him a good home. Is that wrong?

I am completely and totally in love with Anthony and my old Erica tendencies of wanting to jump right into something that I love and want is really hard to fight against. I know that time is of the essence right now and I have a degree to continue and things to do for me but man, it's so tempting to just throw my hands up and say ..I surrender ..bring me marriage. I know that right now isn't the time and even in our relationship, we aren't ready but it's tempting when you finally find someone that makes you so happy and you can't stand to be without.

Oh well, I guess I am having a hard day afterall. I know that I really need to calm down and just enjoy the Sabbath and realize that time is precious and even if I only get 30 minutes with him, at least I get that. That's easy to say but really hard to do. I only want more time with him if I get any at all. Oh well, what's new....I don't get what I want. I should be used to this by now in my stupid life.

I am down now! I have to get off here and do something good for me.

--Erica--

The Village and Chicken Little

So tonight I worked hard on re-organizing my room and watched some netflix while I did that. I watched "The village" first and it was a very odd movie but one I enjoyed. I thought I would watch the more creepy one first since I would be going to bed (or so I thought). I started Chicken Little after that and I am still watching it now. I can't sleep and it's 4:00 am because I took a 3 hour nap earlier and boy did it make me well rested. Anthony is at work tonight so I miss him but the time we had together today was so precious to me.

I was laying in bed tonight trying to get to sleep and listening to my i-pod when I literally had to get up and dance. That is another of my lost loves. I was always dancing when I was younger and I miss it so much. I was dancing like a fool in my room by myself in my pjs. I thought it was fun and a little funny actually. I was realizing that I still love reading, dancing, music, and of course softball. Today I was able to read, nap, dance, listen to music, and hit some balls in the batting cage. What a perfect day!

I decided to add to my already awesome blog about life, movies, love, self improvement and the such, why not add the first song on my shuffle button on my i-pod to try to add spice to the blog. Today the song is: Lay your hands on me-- Bon Jovi.

Yes I completely still listen to Bon Jovi and various other 80's artists for that matter. This song is just a great tune that reminds of Indiana and all of it's vintage glory. How I love my i-pod!

--Erica--

A true romantic comedy.

I am one of those girls who is a sucker for a really great romantic comedy. Today I realized, I am in the middle of one. I wrote earlier about how Anthony and I had plans to go and do errands together and that was our "together" time. Well, the man I am enamored with yet again surprised me. He came home this morning from cashing his check and had bought me three cds that I have been wanting badly that include the new ones from John Mayer, John Legend, and Brian McKnight. This man knows the way to my heart. We then got into the car to start our errands or so I thought. He had plans the whole day to take me to boomers and play miniature golf instead. It was so nice to get our time together really to be ours. We played a round (which I won), went to the batting cages, played a few games of skee ball, shoe shopped, and had lunch. It was a miraculous 2 and 1/2 hours. I missed my boy and he gave me a little romantic comedy today. I was so happy!

Later on I had plans to have a "date night" with me. I decided a good romantic comedy and a nap should do the job. I watched a movie called "Alex & Emma" which features Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson. It was really good and really spoke to my interests of novels! I recommend it. The rest of the night I am going to watch my netflix because they came today and I will blog on them later. I also plan to organize my room, do dishes, and enjoy the rest of my weekend. I miss my boy still but it was nice to get a little bit of him today and remember how truly blessed I am to live inside my little romantic comedy!

--Erica--

Errands, Schedules, and Days gone by.

Today I realized that errands consume a great deal of my life. Yesterday I spent an hour and a 1/2 solving a customer service issue. Isn't it amazing how much of our lives we spend running to the store, mailing items, picking up prescriptions, picking up our dry cleaning, making phone calls and the such? I was perplexed because I had plans to spend much of my evening last night getting my life organized. Tonight has shifted to that night. Anthony and I haven't had a date in God knows how long due to his two jobs. I was thinking how I really wanted to spend time with him and just enjoy his company but since that isn't an option, I will go on a date with me and clean my room tonight. I need to get things together for the new semester anyway and for Chris' new quarter.

Today, Anthony and I are spending our precious time together running errands. I hate that for us. We are going to put insurance on his car and get it smog checked. Those are the kinds of things we do as a couple right now. I will be really grateful when God blesses Anthony with a raise or promotion so that one job is adequate for our lives. I am also going to be grateful when we both have figured out our debt and budgets and have a handle on how to take care of money, we are both learning that lesson.

My today is going to be filled with time with Anthony, cleaning, organizing, spending time with me and God, and getting ready for my "new year." I hope you all have a great Saturday and many blessings to you!

--Erica--

Consistency ...yet again.

So I said I was going to take one of my areas of struggle and blog it to death and boy have I with consistency?! I have been very consistent in the new year. I have eaten pretty well, taken meds, cared for my loved ones, done my job well, read my Bible, etc... and it feels good. Today I went over to Vanguard and registered financially for the new semester and saw my good friend Seth. He is a constant reminder of God's love for me through the program as well as several other people I go to school with. I talked with him for a few minutes and found out we have 3 classes together which is a blessing in every way. Consistency was important in a lot of areas but the one that I have come to the conclusion is the most important is trusting God and knowing HE loves me! I have been able to see his love in the new year way better through my family, friends, boyfriend, blessings, and opportunities to bless others.

Very few people actually read this blog on a daily basis so I don't mind sharing this today. I was at Target today and was heading in to get my storage containers for all of my STUFF and a few small school supplies to start the semester out and I was talking to my little sister on my $300 cell phone when this lady walked up to me with a squeegie in her hand and a few bags as well. She said "Excuse me Ma'm but do you mind if I wash your windows for a little money for my family to eat?" She was toothless, dirty, and clearly malnourished. My heart strings were very much tugged.

I know that a lot of people might say I am a sucker or might say "She will only buy drugs or alcohol" but something in my spirit said those words that Jesus said so many years ago. "What you do the least of these, you have done to me." I looked into her eyes and said absolutely. I got into my wallet and got out the only cash I had in there (I am pretty broke myself right now) which was $6.00 and handed it to her. She smiled with her toothless grin and I said "God bless you." I meant it this time. I wanted God to richly bless her. I wanted God to revolutionize her entire life. I wanted her to see how much He loves her. I wanted her to feel just a glimpse of the love I feel from Jesus Christ. He has given me great family, friends, and the most amazing boyfriend that could ever have been created. He handed me diamonds in the people he gave me. He gave me an intellect where I can learn well and a great education. He gave me a great job as Chris' nanny where I can maintain my life. He gave me everything and I watched today as someone without those things still pressed on trying to provide for her family. Talk about Girl power! I was moved. I saw Jesus in her and I wanted to serve Him so badly. We are all only one lay off, one bankruptcy, one house-fire away from losing all we have and becoming toothless, malnourished, and dirty.

Today I hoped that as she walked away from my cavalier (completely paid off at age 26) that she did an impeccable job cleaning up, she thought..that girl knows her Lord and He loves me enough to bring me to her! I wanted her to see Jesus in me, I only hope I showed His face well. I pray that it was Him, coming to see me today and remind me of his love and blessings in my life. I need to be often reminded of all of my blessings and how truly provided for I really am. Think that through today as some of you might be better off than myself. Thank HIM and help someone else today who might not be!

--Erica--

Netflix, love, laundry, and laughter

So tonight I decided that it was time to join netflix. I have had an account at Hollywood Video (which Anthony works for) and used their MVP plan which is somewhat like Netflix but not as good of a deal. So tonight, I decided to spare the money and hassle, netflix is the way to go. Anthony and I rely on movies for much of our entertainment life since we are both working our way to success and have little time or money for extravagance. I made my 500 movies I want to watch and that took a while. I chose a lot of tv series but it was fun to think about all of the films and tv shows I get to watch soon! :) YAY! I should receive the first shipment on Saturday and I thought it would be fun to share with the blog my view of my netflix movies.

Tonight I was sitting here and thinking about Anthony and how sweet the relationship between us really is and I had to call him at work and just say how much I truly love him. I have never been more secure in anything in my life. He makes me so happy. He makes me cry from being touched, laugh from his silly jokes, smile from his touch, and sigh from his kisses. He is the epitome of all things I truly desire. I am so anxious for God to say it's time to be with him forever and start a family together. I know that it is not in my hands though so I am enjoying January 5th ..2007 until then.

I have been doing laundry all day today and tonight. We had so many clothes from our Christmas "vacation" as well as all of the bed linens and towels from being sick. I have been trying so hard to catch up for days. I am lucky because I have the whole day off tomorrow. I am going to spend it sleeping in, taking my financial paperwork over to Vanguard, and cleaning up the room and making my life organized for my pending big start over with work and school. I am getting excited about my new classes and seeing my Grad Psych friends and kind of "starting over" in a sense of how I view myself academically.

Well, I should get off here and continue the mounds of laundry that is my life! Have a happy and safe weekend!

--E--

Consistency in action.

So last night after really recovering from the flu and cleaning my house top to bottom killing that mean flu virus, I laid down in the bed to catch up with my Bible reading plan. I read about Noah and this verse caught me by surprise. "He consistently followed God's will and enjoyed a close relationship with him." (Genesis 6:9b) I was amazed because it used this word that has been haunting me in the new year...consistently. I struggle with consistency in all of my relationships, endeavors, tasks, responsibilities, etc... I know that if I follow consistently my relationships will be closer, my grades better, my tasks completed on time, my life easier. I know this and found this to be true in a great biblical example of Noah. Noah had no problem knowing what to do in the flood situation because he was consistent. He didn't run out of time getting the ark built because he was consistent. He didn't get sick with all of those animals because my guess is, he was consistent. I long to be as consistent as Noah.

I ended up really getting the house cleaned up from the flu yesterday and have more laundry to run today. Christopher has a dental appointment, karate, and is going to his mom's this evening so that gives me a lot of time today to get the room picked up and plan out my next week which involves me returning to classes. This semester is going to be different. I will read my assignments, have things in on time, attend all of my classes, and not let my outside issues get in the way of my education. I am raring to go. I am looking forward to my classes to as they sound interesting.

I also return into full swing work on Monday as Christopher returns to classes as well. He is starting to get ready for the high school exam too so that should be a blast. We will also be trying to balance my schedule and his for a while with Thursdays being the operative problem. I am determined to get through this semester without a hitch. I have a little time constraint but one I should be able to work out.

I also return to therapy on Monday so my life is pretty much going right back into full swing all at once. I pray that my consistency issue will not rear it's ugly head but that I will get a hold on things. I have really not "started" working on the weight issue yet because I wanted to get better from this sickness but I am thinking about everything that goes into my mouth lately. I am going to start my work out plan tonight I think since I am rested up from being sick. I am not sure if my lungs are ready yet but we'll see. I am starting at working out 3 days a week and go from there. Once I get my loan money back it is going to go to a gym membership because my body has to get some CONSISTENT exercise.

Well, I should go and make some lunch for me and the boy. We are going to be starving on the job if we don't have something to eat. Be consistent like Noah today!

--Erica --

2nd day and all of my nourishment is GONE

So just when you think a new year is going to bring changes of consistency and then you are laid up in bed. I woke up on Tuesday morning and I was not feeling so great. I knew that Anthony and Richard and Chris had all been struggling with the stomach flu but for some reason, I thought I was exempt with all of my vitamins taken and I was already battling a horrible cold since Indiana. Well I started going to the bathroom at about 8:30 am and didn't stop all night. I lost everything in my system through that or vomiting so needless to say my January 2nd was NOT a blast. I literally had no energy to even walk around so I did my job from the bed while my wonderful boyfriend handled all the details. Anthony did dishes, cleaned my room, cleaned up vomit, ran around getting me everything I needed, and kept Chris out of my hair and doing what he needed to do. I am so freakin blessed to have this man.

So to report on my consistency for yesterday, I seriously did tell Anthony how lucky I was to have him and tried to be courteous to his needs although I was a mess. I didn't eat anything so no worries on eating heathfully. I didn't take my meds because I was not eating and that isn't safe. I didn't read my Bible but you can bet your sweet behind, I prayed. I will catch up with Bible reading today and try to get my chores accomplished but I am still rather weak and very nauseous. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me. I will blog later today about my January 3rd. Hopefully it's better.

--E--

Cleaning the corners in the New Year.

Well first of all, Happy New Year everyone! 2007 is sure to be a great year! I am starting the new year right with a blog. I just read a great devotional and it was about our lives with God and how we have sins that are obvious in our lives like the major housecleaning that takes place in our houses daily. You know what I mean; washing dishes, sweeping floors, cleaning out the fridge (my most hated) and those types of things. These relate the obvious sins like lying, stealing, lusting, cursing, hate, greed, etc... These can be the obvious ones and difficult to work with just like the others. Then there are the less obvious sins or the dirty corners. In our houses this relates to cleaning baseboards, scrubbing under the fridge, cleaning out the junk drawers and closets, etc... These are the less obvious messes but still harmful to the cleanliness of your house. These are like the less obvious sins in our lives like "white lies", hidden agendas, manipulation, bad attitudes, procrastination, etc... These are the ones I am paying attention to in the new year.

I wrote before how I really want to work with inconsistency so what better place to begin than on a new start on January 1st! Today I had a healthy breakfast, took my meds, was nice to my bf, am blogging, and intend to delve into my WORD in just a bit. I am reading and answering emails, making a todo list to organize my time, planning on hitting the sack at 11:30 for good health, cleaning my room, doing laundry, organizing and just plain getting it right in the New Year.

The most pressing thing I really want to address in 2007 though is my corners. I want to address those bad attitudes and bad habits that leave me really wanting more of God and not fully able to reach Him. They hinder my spirituality, my relationships, and my well-being. I intend to really pull the furniture out this year and let my dirt be exposed. I hope everyone that reads this has a chance to pull the "fridge" out and get the crumbs. God reaches us in our most vulnerable state. My 2007 is going to be about Love, forgiveness, cleaning, organizing, managing, and mainly becoming the woman I was intended to be for my God, myself, my husband, and my children! Hopefully God and others will be loved better this year!

To a new year, Cheers!

--Erica @ work--

The work begins.

As I pondered the new year, I have thought of several dozen things I would really like to work on in me. I know that as my years come and go I will find things about myself that are really great, things that need work, and things I didn't even know about. I know I will find patterns that don't work, communication styles that need revamped, and relationships that need roto-rootered. That is the lovely part about only being 26. I was talking today to someone I really respect who is coming up on their 60th birthday on Friday. She is literally one of my mentors, heros, and almost like a mother to me. She has helped God in molding me into the woman I am to become in the long run. She has encouraged me, prayed with and for me, and mostly driven me onto being more than I was raised to be. In saying that, I only hope I am 1/2 as wise as her when I am 60.

I have decided that the new project is to start working on these things one at a time and not overwhelm myself. This means I will take one weakness of mine and blog it to death. I will modify my behavior, work on my emotions that surround it, find out why I do it, and try to overcome it or accept it as a personality characteristic. Sometimes I will have to just accept it might be something I struggle with forever.

The first thing that pops into my mind when I think of my authentic weaknesses is Inconsistency!!

This covers just about every single facet of my life including but not limited to; my diet, my weight, my health practices, my motivation and drive, my academics, my work ethic, my moral obligations, my ethical guidelines, my Bible reading, my prayer life, my church attendance, my kindness in relationships, my friendship levels, my blogging, and even down to my water intake. I know that this is a serious problem in my character and life and shapes me in so many ways as well as adds stress to my life.

My first step to recovery in this area is to really assess where I do this and how I do it. I think I will start in the most important place: My spirituality!

Quiet Time: This is an area where I really struggle. I need to build a habit of first having about 15-20 minutes of quiet time every day.

Prayer Life: This is an area where I do better but only when I really NEED God and not just to grow in my relationship; I am going to commit to prayer each day, there will be no time limit and no restrictions. This is to create a more welcome prayer life as opposed to strict guidelines I won't hold to.

Bible Reading: I am going to commit to the one year bible this year and try to just digest the Bible a little at a time so that I can truly get God's word.

Church Attendance: I have been really horrible about this so I know I need to start at the beginning. I am going to commit to going to church once a month through 2007.

These things are #1 on my list to really try to be consistent in. I want them so badly that I will do anything to build the habits of being in HIS presence. I am going to see if I can just do this and let myself slide on some other items until I get my footing in this most important one. I am not sure this will solve my inconsistency problem but I want my relationship with God to be a priority. I am going to start this immediately so that I can begin to feel strong in my faith first.

I will be reporting on how this is going first until I really learn how to be completely consistent in one area of my life. I will start this tonight when I have some time to myself. I won't be attending church until the new year since I am going to Indiana but the other things are going to be happening.

I really love my blog because it gives me a place to kind of throw everything out and think it through.

--E--

Being introspective

Tonight I was sitting in my room reflecting after a good day that turned a bit bad. Today was Anthony's 26th birthday and it went wonderfully. We celebrated with gifts, a movie, a cake, and lunch at Buca De Beppos! We enjoyed some really intimate time together and enjoyed each other's company so very much. We shared some Fettucini Alfredo with chicken, red peppers, and broccoli as well as a sampler of all different kinds of baked pastas and some great fresh bread with olive oil and vinegar. It was an amazing meal with an amazing man. We finished our meal and headed to target to create our awesome greeting cards on the digital picture thing. They are way cute and if you are reading this, you are probably getting a copy. I am very proud of them. We are so happy together and for once in my life, I love back. I am so excited about our future and every step we take together is such a monumental time and an enjoyment.

Later on in the evening, I had someone really violate my personal business. I can't really go into details on here and describe what happened nor who did it, but I can say that I am terribly angered, hurt, and annoyed by this violation. They not only attacked my personal character, my work ethic, and my spirituality but also my relationship with Anthony which is a place where noone is welcome to tread. This relationship is the first thing I have done right in years and I am proud of it, protective of it, and all about being focused on keeping it sacred.

Needless to say, I am a little bit introspective today because when you have a wonderful day, you already just think a lot about your life. I have been thinking about how special it is to be with Anthony. I have been thinking about how amazing it is to look at rings with him, think about the future, and dream together. Also, since this other "event" happened tonight, I have had time to ponder the things about me that this person has attacked. I have been thinking about how I can clean up my character, my work ethic, my spirituality, and my relationship with Anthony. I should say, this person was completely incorrect in their assessment of me but either way, I am hoping I don't reflect any of this. I am really hurting, angry, and tired of this person and their opinions.

Tonight I sat down with my journal and started to think. I wrote down my strengths and weaknesses first. I am really unhappy with many areas of my life just like many people are I am sure. I am also entirely proud of some of the growth that has happened in my life in the last 6 years now. Since a fateful day in my life, I have powered through making changes and really fought against some of the things I was raised in. I have set up boundaries, made good choices, pursued my dreams, accomplished some serious goals, and established a healthy romantic relationship. I want to give myself the credit I am due but some of me is really disappointed in myself and can't stop thinking about the failures that have surrounded all of these successes.

Tonight, I am going to journal a little more and pray over these things so much to see where God wants to take me in this journey. I know I have come far but I really hope there are more places to go. This new year, I am not making resolutions but true and solid goals with steps and plans to accomplish them! I love myself enough to see it and work through it.

--E--

Happy Birthday to the man that completes me

Today is my Prince's birthday. Anthony is turning 26 today and I am so blessed to have him in my life to share it with him. I am in love people and God has truly given me the world. I hope he knows just how much I adore him. He makes my life better and more than that, makes me better! I love you babe and Happy Birthday!

A new year on the horizon.

So it's almost 2007! I can't believe how quickly this year went and how many crazy things happened and how many great things happened and how many things I learned. I thought it would be good to start reflecting on 2006 and start looking forward to 2007 and the changes it will bring. I have had a very hard day today that included a job problem, a school problem, and friendship issues. I have no idea why this day happened but I am ending it by being in a contemplative mood about my life and what I want out of it. Here are some things I thought I would jot down.

Things I have learned in 2006:

-- Bigots will be bigots even if you try to educate them.

-- Fighting with someone who is in ignorance is only a way to stoop to their level.

-- Sometimes when you go home, it isn't home anymore.

--Letting go is the hardest part of truly loving someone.

--Losing someone over money is not worth it.

--There are some people who will NEVER change and I must accept that.

--Love comes when you least expect it and when you can't take any more fakes.

--I can wear a dress and I don't look horrible in it.

--I have good features that draw others to me and I won't let people tell me I don't.

--Hearing negative feedback is not easy for me but I would rather hear it then miss the point.

--I was good enough for Grad School.

--There is a diagnosis that made my childhood hard.

--There were a lot of lies given to me about my father and I am happy to get them debunked.

--Someone loves me for me and I don't blame him, I have become someone I am proud of.

That's all I have to say I have learned up until now but I am sure there are hundreds more where that came from. The next list is the things I really want to accomplish in 2007 (ideally)

1. Develop a relationship with God that is completely mine and sort out what I believe and think about Him.

2. Read the Bible through again.

3. Find a church home and attend faithfully.

4. Go to all doctor appointments and accept diabetes.

5. Learn how to maintain diabetes in the best way possible.

6. Lose weight (not a specific amount)

7. Start and continue a work out plan for my life.

8. Eat better (PERIOD)

9. Create a budget that works to get debts paid off.

10. Pay off all debt besides student loans by December 31, 2007.

11. Create a savings account and accumulate at least $1,000 savings

12. Attend therapy for myself and find a couples therapist.

13. Deal with key issues in therapy and start to really be more open and authentic in relationships.

14. Be slow and deliberate in how I love Anthony.

15. Develop close and intimate girl friendships and do not focus on male friendships.

16. Enjoy reading again and really develop a strong literary base.

17. Take up a sport that i enjoy and play it for fun and fitness.

18. Do one nice thing for myself per month that is not about food.

19. Have one date with Erica per month.

20. Do all reading for Grad School and prepare for classes adequately.

21. Create a time schedule for my life that prohibits procrastination.

22. Attend all classes and ask questions when I am confused.

23. Join study groups and be involved with classmates in Grad School to get full experience.

24. Be in close contact with academic advisor, physician, professors, and therapists to create the best learning environment.

25. Find a practicum site that utlizes my talents and also challenges my weaknesses.

26. Pray each day for my relationship, my education, career, job, and otherwise

27. Learn to listen better!!!!!

28. Be more gentle in my speech.

29. Work on taking negative feedback better and accepting it in love.

30. Explore my female side better this year and learn more about it.

31. Learn black history to the best of my ability.

32. Learn at least beginning spanish.

33. Keep up with home life when doing school.

34. Do the best I can with my job for Chris.

35. Be honest in all of my endeavors with others.

36. Be ethical in all that I do, and moral.

37. Start to really allow myself the dreams of a wedding and a future.

38. Make concrete plans for my health in preparing to have children.

39. Be a better friend in every way.

40. Strive to be the best Erica I can possibly be each day!!!!

That's it so far!

Coping.

My family life continues to amaze me and yet, not really. Today I got another call from the family saying that my mom has severely lost her mind. I don't think she's ever been ok. I don't think she will ever take responsibility or gain self. I don't think she will ever take care of her truly! I have lost my faith in her recovery but I have gained my faith in my savior to be with me through it.

Today, I went to school and gave a presentation that I didn't think I had the strength for. I presented and I presented well! I am proud of myself no matter what she is! No matter who she is. No matter who she thinks I am! I am coping with the loss of a mother I never had!

Old loves part II

So I was speaking before about old loves and first loves. I was talking about reading and softball so I decided to talk about the book I just picked up a few days ago. I just started a book called "Alentejo Blue" by Monica Ali which was on Oprah's summer reading list. I am about to start the book club list but this book will be first. I have tried to make time this weekend to watch tv, read fun literature, do homework, hang out with the boyfriend, talk with friends, etc... While that is true, I found that I was getting rather lazy about my body. I am eating what I want to eat, not exercising, and not really taking care of my medications properly so tomorrow I am back in diabetic action. I am going to find out about insurance, take medications, work on my eating plan, and work out. I don't want to lose my first love, which is me!

Recapturing my first loves.

Today I was thinking about my first loves. Not the boys that captured my heart when I was young and made it go pitter patter. Not the celebrities like Michael Jackson that had me doing the moonwalk and wearing only one glove. I am talking about the things that I truly enjoy. We all come into the world as someone. We come in with an attitude, a personality, interests, passions, dreams, goals, and desires. We obviously develop these over time and learning things but the thing that mostly I think is that we are hardwired from God as well. I truly believe that I was truly ERICA the minute I was conceived. I am me and I am totally not able to be replicated. I think that this is GREAT and I am happy to be me. I was thinking today that I truly need to get back to my true loves.

Anthony is the love of my life in so many ways. He is a man who makes me blush when he says I am beautiful. He is the man who makes my stomach have butterflies when I haven't seen him for a bit and I miss him and I am about to see him. He is the man who makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and tears form at my eyes. He is the man whose voice makes me smile just with hello. He is the man who I hate hurting and I am uneasy the minute I do.

There are other loves in my life like my sisters and a love I can't even explain. I want to protect them from everything. I love my friends and I can't even begin to say the things I wish they had in their lives. I love Christmas and traditions of love and gift-giving and carol singing. I love Vanguard and how the minute I stepped on campus, it became home. I love a great breakfast in the quiet of the morning. I love biscuits and gravy and the way they make me full and help me nap. I love a really great sleep that makes you feel new when you wake.

I love a lot of things and the love is different but what I was thinking about getting back to is doing the THINGS I love doing. One of the ones that formed at my mind immediately was reading and good literature. I decided to join Oprah's book club and start reading things that I make myself feel guilty for reading because it isn't school related. I used to escape with books and at the library when I was younger and being abused in my home. Books were my escape. I am choosing today to get back to that and start reading for fun again. I really loved that!

I loved softball so much when I was younger. I would go across the street and throw the ball against a wall by myself just to play catch. I would wear my uniform on days when I didn't even have a game. I loved being at bat and seeing my cleet marks in the dirt. I loved the crack of the bat and the smell of hot dogs from the concession stand. I loved shaking hands with the opposing team and saying good game and heading to the concessions for a snow cone. I truly loved softball. I want to start working on getting my game back by working on my skills again so next year I can join a league.

I loved so many things when I was young and it's a good start to getting back to those things. I am going to start thinking about what I truly and relive those loves yet again while building on them and starting to have new loves like scrapbooking, psychology, organizing, dvd tv series, movies, museums, walks in the cemetary, working out, being healthy, and being Erica!

Thanks for stopping in and reading my rantings.

--E--

Sickness sucks

I am finally beginning to get over this stupid cold I got right before I left for Indiana. I was getting a scratchy throat right before take off and then I was stuck in a plane for 4 hours with a whole bunch of other germy people. My trip to Indiana was brief but overall ok. I got to see my sisters and my friend Carrie which was great. I missed a few people while I was home that I intend to see in December.

Tonight I was up in the kitchen talking with Richard about a million things and it was heartwarming to realize the family and life I have here. I have this great boyfriend who I intend to marry if he'll have me. I have a great home to live in that is safe and beautiful and lets me enjoy Christopher and Richard as family. I have beautiful sisters who I love dearly. I have great friends who legitimately care about me so much. Overall, I have a great network of people and I am terribly lucky.

I was also thinking about Toys for Tots this year and Anthony and I are starting to think about what Christmas Traditions we want to instill in our relationship. We have decided that each year we are going to go out and buy one girl toy and one boy toy to give to toys for tots for the children who do NOT have things that we did or do have. I have also decided to take Christopher to do this and teach him that value this year.

Anthony and I are really enjoying our relationship and learning so much about each other. We have been together for 5 months and it has been so special. I love him and all the things he brings to my life. We are going to have such a beautiful life together. I can't wait to see where God takes us.

I am going to sign off for the night and try to write more often.

--E--

Christmas lights and cards

Well it is official, Erica's holiday season has just kicked into motion. I usually start around Thanksgiving getting excited about Christmas, travel plans, buying gifts, lights, cards, and sharing with family but this year ...I am early. I think that being truly happy in my life has caused this sudden move toward the holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving but we don't really "prepare" for that the way we do Christmas. Last night Anthony and I went to Target and picked out "our" Christmas cards, christmas lights, little Christmas tree, and I bought a gift and my new luggage for my trip home. I am getting truly excited.

We came back to my house and put up lights, put up the tree, and watched "The Santa Claus" which is one of our favorite holiday movies between the two of us. Granted, I love every Christmas movie but this is a favorite. Anthony put lights over my windows as well as on our very small tree. I have included pictures for all to enjoy. Sorry that they are hard to make out, it's not easy taking digital photos of lit up Christmas lights.

Aren't they wonderful? :) Anyway, I thought I would just wish everyone a great Holiday season as I begin to celebrate Jesus' birth, family, friends, a great new life with Anthony, my awesome education, my great job, and my health! I am truly going to rejoice in this Christmas and in the New Year to come! Happy Holidays...starts now!

New stuff....

I have this trend of making just enough money for the things I need and always having a giant guilty conscious when I purchase something I truly want. Lately I have purchased things that kind of sit right in the middle of that at things I want and need. A great example is new tires for my car and my laptop. I am enjoying my laptop so much as it helps me get school work done while doing my actual paying job. Chris can sit next to me and do homework and ask questions while I work on papers, research, study guides, case notes, whatever.

This has led me to be very grateful for the strides I have made in becoming an independent person. My life isn't perfect yet and I am not without debt but I bought my lap top and tires, free and clear. It's nice to know that once you pay for something, it is truly paid for. It's nice to know that you can go home and visit family and not be skipping a bill to do so. Financial things are getting better and I am becoming the woman I really want to be with money.

By the way, I should note in here as well that I have a plane ticket purchased to go home for christmas!!!! I am way excited. I miss my Indiana peeps!

Well, I should get off here and do more 8th grade algebra.

-- E --

Good Morning Jesus

This morning on my way back from taking Chris to school, I had a long talk with Jesus. I am overwhelmed with major school stuff, a fairly new relationship, hundreds of tasks around the house, appointments and meetings, presentations and calls, and the list goes on. This morning I just gave it all to Jesus and asked that he would help me to do my best not for all those waiting in the audience but for HIM.

I realized this morning after spinning my wheels incessantly, it really is all about HIM. I care to please HIM in the long run. I care about being a great therapist because it is what HE called me to. I care about being a good girlfriend and eventually wife to the man HE provided for me and wants me to love. I care about doing well at my job because I want to bring glory to HIM in Chris and Richard's life. Where did my perspective go wrong when I started trying to please everyone else but HIM?

I decided I would stop and get breakfast to take care of my body, drink a bunch of water, and take a shot and just get my list together for the day, realizing that it's all about HIM anyway. Time with him is the essential "chore" and should feel like anything but. Have a great day and try to keep your perspective that it's all about HIM!

-- E --

Anxiety!

Have you ever studied something so long that your mind feels like jello? Well, I have. I could care less at this point what the difference is between Avoidant Personality Disorder and PTSD. I would rather just listen to my launch radio and chill for a week or so. I am tired. I am exhausted, anxious, worried, stressed, and overwhelmed. This tuesday I have the privelage of presenting in two classes, turning in an assignment in one class, and a test in another. YUCK!!!

Lately I have been really having a hard time with anxiety. I am anxious about so many things from my next 3 year plans to what to have for dinner and how many fat cells it might put on my thighs! I really need to make a distinct priorities list and start working toward some serious goals instead of letting them get too much of me.

I am getting ready to have a very big week. I have a therapy appointment, a vet appointment to take mimi to, a doctor appointment to take Chris to, a tb test reading to take Chris to, a session with my client, 9 hours of class, 40+ hours of work among some other tasks which are different in nature. These are getting new tires, an eye doctor appointment, getting a new laptop, buying some Christmas gifts, and of course spending time with my wonderful companion in life, Anthony.

Speaking of, those of you who have been praying for Anthony to find some temporary employment in the midst of his search for his goals or dreams...he has a job now for Pavillions (grocery store out here for you Indiana folks) doing the night stocking job. I am fine with this because it's time I would be sleeping anyway and we can spend time together in the day or on his days off. I just want him to be making some money and moving toward his goals.

Well, I should get going as Anthony has constructed a genius level exam for me to take to prepare for my real exam on tuesday. What a great boyfriend I have! Have a great rest of your weekend!

-- E --

Lifestyles of the struggling and unknown

I discovered over the last few days and even more so today that I can't afford the lifestyle I sincerely want to live. I know a lot of Christians are really picky about how other believers spend their money and to that I say, mind your business. I really like things. I am not materialistic in that if my family or loved ones are struggling, I help first thing. I am not overly concerned with what others have because I like people who are real. The problem is, I like nice clothes, expensive jewelry, acrylic nails, name brands, great shoes, and cosmo magazine. I like to have style and I will spend the money to have it.

I am reasonable in that I don't purchase things I can't afford. I don't buy chapstick until my last stick is gone, that is how meticulous I am about my money. However, I do go out to eat and have great food, order the best wine, and have the largest cell phone plan and sweet cell phone! I plan to one day make the money to back up my more than just these small pieces but I wince to think of what my life will look like until then. I struggle even to pay the bills and then when I do, I feel immense relief. I am going to have so much fun when I do what I love for the money I need and desire. Life will be good. Until then, beans are good for dinner.

--E--

Missing people

Lately I have been going through a lot of feelings of loss. I know that this time of year I turn into a bit of a sap because Christmas makes me think of people who aren't in my life anymore but this year, it started early. Here I come, approaching Halloween and I can't take my mind off my grandpa, my grandma, old friends, and lost relationships. I am broken in thinking about the people I have lost due to death, angry confrontations, broken promises, and just plain old loss of contact.

Today, I heard that my old friend (would have been the maid of honor in my previous wedding) is pregnant with a little girl and will give birth any day now. I think in my mind I always imagined being at her baby shower, picking out baby stuff with her, touching her pregnant belly, and loving that child like my own. I don't even know her anymore. I haven't talked to her for approximately 5 years and it breaks my heart.

Then there is Adolfo. We aren't even friends now and it hurts to think about sharing your life with someone for SOOOO long and then not even having a friendship with them. I know it's unrealistic but ideally...I would have loved it. I am terrified about spending so much time with people and investing so much just to be years down the road, weepy in front of my computer and wishing they were around.

Then there are some who are unmentionable where things have just fallen apart due to new relationships and inappropriate contact and my heart aches. It sincerely does.

Anyway, I think that missing people is hard for me right now. Loss is huge and I have to give it time.

-- E --

The newness and what it presents

So here I am. I am a graduate student in Clinical Psychology. My head is spinning and my heart is racing and my eyes are tired. I have had more reading in one week than I think I had in my whole undergraduate career which is just overwhelming. My profs are really great and the people in my cohort are exceptional as well. I am blessed beyond measure but tired beyond repair.

Dr. Phil was stinkin amazing and I had such a great time going with Anthony. Things in my life are great but busy. I pray I will make time for ERICA through all of this. Updates soon!

~e~

The next phase

Hello everyone and Happy Sunday to you. I hope this sunday finds you healthy, well, and having a restful sabbath. For the last few days I have been in relaxation mode and loving it. I am coming up on my first week of Grad School and I am getting nervous, excited, challenged, motivated, driven, and mostly prepared. Wednesday will be my first class and I only have one until next week. I have Clinical Foundations I on Wednesday and luckily it's with a professor I had as an undergrad student so I am fairly familar with her at least. I have decided that Blogging will need to become a more regular part of my life again as I chronicle what is happening with one of the hugest phases of my life.

My birthday was absolutely magnificent and I spent it with people I love dearly. My friends and I gathered at Dave & Busters and just had a great, fun night together. I was truly blessed to spend it with people who love and care about me and people who are so much fun. Anthony and I just celebrated 2 months together on Friday. We have had a great first 2 months and are really enjoying the relationship and all of the peaks and valleys it creates. I think we are learning a lot about each other and ourselves through this newness. He is spending the weekend with his family and enjoying their company since some relatives of his are in the country from Germany.

On Thursday of next week I get the privelage of going to a taping of the Dr. Phil Show and it couldn't come at a better time the day after I begin graduate school in Psychology. I am so excited about this and it was one of my birthday gifts from my wonderful, gorgeous boyfriend. Work is going very well as Christopher and I start up our 8th grade year together. I am learning all of the things I missed while being a 12 year old idiot and not listening in classes. I found out I know way less about history than I wish to.

My friends are all moving in different directions and doing marvelously. I find they are more and more amazing every day of my life. My friend Nick from Indiana is actually leaving Sept 5 or 6 for Iraq to serve another couple of months in the marines. He was in iraq last year as well and is being sent back. His son Calvin just celebrated his first birthday so I would really appreciate your prayers for Nick to be safe and strong while he is in Iraq.

My family are doing ok but my mom is still recovering from a recent stroke so she needs your prayers to be able to return to work or be allowed disability so that she can survive. My little sister needs prayers for a job while my older sister has just begun being a caregiver for some mutual friend's children. She is making a little money at least to be able to meet her needs. I am so proud of the changes and steps she is taking to be independent.

Today I am heading down to San Diego with Heather to visit her brother, his wife, and their kids. I love her neice and nephew so I am very excited to see them. I was going to spend the day just chillin at the house but it seems I have an opportunity to get out and enjoy my friend so I am jumping at the chance. Tonight I am heading to church and out to starbucks so that should be great and then I get to see my wonderful boyfriend again! :) I miss him already!

Things here are changing and wonderful. Some of that is anxiety ridden and other parts I am just trying to enjoy. There are many changes and many new goals but God has always been here to push me and take me through the hardest journeys of my life. Here goes nothing. Have a great week and I will try to write on here more often.

All of my love,

~e~

The countdown is on.

Hey everyone. Today is only 4 days until I turn 26 years old and last night I was close to a meltdown. I think there are some issues with what I "think" I should be doing or have accomplished at 26 years old. I think that sometimes I forget all that I do have and focus on the things that I do not have. Examples of these items are a husband and a child or children. Today I decided that I am going to make some resolutions for my 26th year. These are things I wish to accomplish and establish for myself before I turn 27. Some of them will be small and relatively easy to accomplish while others are completely difficult and are a personal struggle. For your viewing pleasure...

1. Lose 30 lbs

2. Follow my diabetic plan complete with medications, doctors, specialists, etc...

3. Clean up my eating habits

4. Finish 1 year of Grad School and do it well.

5. Establish a healthy dating relationship with Anthony and treat him with respect.

6. Really commit to a church as "church home" and attend as often as possible.

7. Read through the Bible yet again.

8. Make prayer a daily commitment.

9. Pay of all debts in collections.

10. Get a secured credit card and start repairing credit.

11. Pay back people who have been there for me through financial crisis.

12. Realize how much I have at 26 and not what I don't have.

13. Exercise my body at least 3 times a week.

14. Actually study for tests, assignments, projects, etc...instead of pushing until the last minute.

15. Make my mental health a top priority.

16. Take advantage of health/dental/vision insurance and take care of me!!!!

17. Keep organized, don't let paperwork stack up.

18. Work on my domestic skills (cooking, organizing, etc...)

19. Make a few repairs on my car.

20. Have a date with me once a month equaling 12 at least by next birthday!

~E~

New challenges, dreams, and hopes

So in just 9 days I will be 26 years old. I think I always believed that by 26 I would be married and be a mama. There is a saddness that hangs over this birthday because I am nowhere near being a wife or a mother yet. I am a girlfriend and it's hard for me to even say that I am good at that. I adore Anthony and I care deeply for him but I am always scared of the next step and always unsure of my abilities to be a good woman. The things I did in my last relationship made me ashamed to be me. This year is certainly different. My relationship with Anthony is so much healthier than any I have ever had. He looks at me and I melt. He deserves my respect, therefore he gets it.

In just 30 days, I begin my first class in Graduate School. I am so nervous I can barely talk about this without feeling nauseous. I have most things handled with the exception of finances. I have my class schedule, have looked up all of my books on Amazon, have registered, etc... I just need to financially register and purchase my books and a lap top. These are things that I am going to have to rely on God for because I don't have the $1,000 it is going to cost. My dreams are finally going somewhere. My Bachelors felt like such a huge step for the moment and such a small step in the grand scheme of things. This masters degree feels huge to me.

I am just full of thoughts, emotions, concerns, anxieties, etc... today. I am worried about Anthony as he searches for his lot in life. I am worried about our relationship as I start a new phase in my life. I worry about my mom as she struggles to make it while recovering from a stroke. I worry about my older sister as she forges ahead trying to become an adult and do for herself. I worry about Britt as her heart breaks from loss yet she needs to find herself truly in this world. I worry about myself as I start grad school, maintain a new relationship, work 40+ hours a week, attend classes 9 hours a week and try to be a good diabetic.

I just worry! PERIOD. Please say a prayer if you read this. I am stressed.

~e~

5 years......hmmmmm

Well it's been 5 years today since my wedding was cancelled and it's amazing how fresh the freakin pain is. I try to think about this day as the day I was "saved" from divorce but I don't think anyone can convince themselves of such when they have gone through such a traumatic cancelling of their dreams! Today I am feeling sad, angry, annoyed, and mostly just really concerned for my future. I try to realize that Adolfo is LONG gone and so is his cowardice. I try to think that this was all for the best. Still, I wake up on July 27th with a pit in my stomach and the need to punch him in the face!

I am sure that he woke up today and went to work with not so much as one thought as to the damage he did 5 years ago. He probably doesn't even remember the day he took my heart and did the Mexican Hat Dance on it. He is probably completely clueless as to who he hurts and how it affects them. I am sure there is some major sports game on today that will distract him from the idiocy that he did 5 years ago. The video games will take away all of the responsibility of hurting another human so deeply. He won't even comprehend today that he STOLE my dreams and a large sum of money!

Today, I am just going to try to remember why I didn't want to marry that man. It doesn't seem to matter that he is not the one for me. I still feel stolen from! Hmmmmm......I need to get over this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I would have been married for 5 years! What?????? How did I ever think I was ready then when I am not ready now? What was I thinking? I would have been the worst wife to him and the worst mother to our 57,000 kids! These are the positives to not walking down the aisle 5 years ago. I guess today what I should be saying is "Thank you Adolfo!"

Well, I am done crying now!

~e~

Update on life, been MIA for a bit

Hey everyone, Today is catch up day with emails, tasks, friends, phone calls, and the such. I have had a busy few weeks as I have been enjoying my new relationship with my bf. He is great and I am enjoying all the steps that are happening in getting to know each other. Even the growing pains aren't so bad. I have a few new pix that I thought I would share with the blogging public. Here are the pix and the stories behind them.

This first picture is my absolute favorite of the new boyfriend. He is so adorable in it and really looks so sweet.

This next one is of Anthony at his old job. When we started dating he worked at Grauman's Chinese Theater as a tour guide so this is a cute posed picture of him making an announcement.

This picture is of me and Anthony standing high above Hollywood looking down on tinsel town! :)

This last one is a really cute picture of Heather and I shopping before she took off to Russia. See below on Russia details.

So that's my life right now in pictures. Heather left on Wednesday to go to Russia and work in an orphanage. I am so proud of her and her efforts to become all that God wants her to be. Her mama would be so proud!

My birthday is coming up faster than I expected and will be here in just 25 days! I can't believe it..I will be 26 on August 9th!! Wow!

Anyway, I should get going as I have a million and one things to attend to. I hope you are all well and I am praying for all of you!

~Erica~

Life is sweet!

Hey everyone. Sorry I have been out of the loop for a while with things going on in my life. The last you had heard, I had just been in Hannah's wedding. Her honeymoon went great and they are back and safe. Just last week I had the distinct privelage of hosting my two friends Paul and Carrie in their first ever trip to California. We went to various places and did various things and I hope they enjoyed themselves.

I am now seeing someone very special and it's going very well. His name is Anthony James Lewis and he is absolutely the bees knees! HA HA I am having a great time getting to know him, spending time with him, and being his girl! I am absolutely blessed to share my life with this man. He is a loving, gentle, caring, God-fearing, amazing man and I am so happy about it!

This is a picture of he and I together, in case you are wondering. This is taken on Hollywood blvd in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. My friend Carrie took it! :)



Anyway, that is what is going on in my life. Work is busy, school in in progress of starting, and my birthday is in about a month! Life is good. I will stop in and post more later. Have a great day everyone!

~e~

Frustration in health care..but pushing through.

Hey everyone. I am proud to say that today marks a week and 2 days that I have been a faithful diabetic as far as shots go. I am so happy for me learning to take care of ME! Yesterday I had a day of hell at the free clinic. So here goes the story...I went there at 12:30 for walk in time because they would not let me set an appointment with it being my first time there. I was there promptly at 12:30 with the knowledge that I would have a 1-3 hour wait. I was prepared for that. At about 4:00 I finally got put into a room to see a doctor. That is 3.5 hours already that I had sat in a hard chair in the waiting room. Oh well, it's free right?

Then, I was in the room for 45 minutes waiting to see any face at all before a nurse's aide came in and did a finger stick and asked for some urine. That led me to another 20 minutes or so of waiting before an actual doctor came in. Then, a nurse practitioner came in and assessed the tests and said that my sugar was high (400 ish) and she needed to do an emergency injection. Well, that took another 20 minutes to get together before the nurses aide did the injection. That puts us at about 5:15 or so. Ok, so after the injection the nurse practitioner came back in and said I should return to the main waiting room to wait for the pharmacy to get my insulin together. She gave me a bag of syringes and lancets and nudged me to the waiting room. I sat in the waiting room forever and finally thought I should take a walk back over to the pharmacy area to find out what the hold up was since Chris was still waiting at school and I hadn't eaten since 10 am. I walked down the ramp just in time to collapse and pass out from low blood sugar.

Finally when I was all back to normal, *after 6 glucose tablets and some juice* I was told that they didn't carry my insulin in there. I had waited for nothing. They said they would have to write me a prescription that would cost me about $50. I argued with them due to my wait and of course, the negligence that had me passing out and they agreed to write it off to their account. I angrily took my prescription and the name of the pharmacy and headed out the door. At some point, I lost the prescription and now, I am back to square one. You can be sure, I won't be visiting the free clinic again. It was scary and took me until 6:00 to actually leave which means I was there for 5.5 hours of my day! OUCH!

So, now the idea is to find a low cost clinic in my area that will see me and prescribe insulin and I really don't care if it costs me money because you get what you pay for ..I find. I am a bit nervous about finding somewhere before I run out of insulin but it can be done and I am going to try to do it. Rest assured, I am not giving up on myself again. I am also going to start looking for a place that is affordable for me to get an eye exam and new glasses. As a diabetic, I want to make sure I am not damaging my eyes.

Anyway, things are going well. I registered for my classes so I am on my way to starting my Masters Degree. All is well at home and work (same thing) and I am getting to know a few new gentlmen so that should be interesting. I hope you all have a great day and weekend! Enjoy your thursday!

~e~

Catching up!

Hello everyone! Today is a day of catching up. I feel like there are so many things to do around the house, in my life, toward grad school, toward my job, etc...that I am overwhelmed. As I have checked my emails this morning I have a piece of paper beside me to jot down things I remember that I have to do. The list is starting to get kind of long. There a number of things I haven't even paid attention to for weeks that NEED to be addressed. A great example is registering for my classes in Grad School. I start Grad School very soon (August 30th) and I am super excited to become the therapist God wants me to be! I really can't even wait to start on my first class and my first reading assignment. Ask me if I feel this way in year 2? :)

The program should take me about 3 years to complete and believe me, year 3 is looking wonderful. I am really ready to get into my career and start climbing to my dreams. I am also ready for whatever God has for my family. When I say family..I mean husband and children. I really want to meet the man God has for me and establish a family that is healthy and happy. I know that right now, I am just not ready for that. I wish I was but I really think that career is going to be first for me.

Well I should start attending to my to-do list. Have a great day and a great week!

~e~

Kidneys, Weddings, Love, and beyond

Hey everyone. I hope this Sunday finds you all in a restful state honoring the Sabbath. It finds me exhausted, thoughtful, and inquisitive. As I had last posted, I have been having some problems with my kidneys, diabetes, etc..lately. On Monday my friend and I went to the emergency room to get everything checked out only to find that I had another acute infection in my kidneys and that they are taking a nose dive yet again. You may ask me, isn't this surprising Erica? I would answer...not at all. See, when you are a diabetic who doesn't properly care for yourself, you should never be shocked at the news of damage being done. I know that many of you are frustrated with my constant lack of self-care and I feel your pain. I am frustrated with me too.

Since Monday's appointment, I have taken all of my meds including insulin, worked out every single day, and eaten moderately well. I would lie to say that the eating is under control because it isn't just yet. Next week I am working on getting a lot of things taken care of but mostly, I am going to a clinic to get some insulin prescribed plus syringes, looking into buying a new glucometer, and starting up a diabetic program that is more geared toward my life..than my demise. I have tried a number of times before to truly take care of myself regarding diabetes. I have made plans, kept journals, saw doctors etc..and never really stayed true to the plan. I am not here today to make some empty promise that I will care for myself every day for the rest of my life. I am here to say..I am working hard on loving me right now. I am taking steps that are difficult and profitable to heal and be ok with having diabetes.

I am also finding that healing is coming from other areas as well. Yesterday my friends Hannah and Aaron made vows to each other for life. I was honored to be asked to be a part of the wedding party (a bridesmaid) and it blessed my heart to know that Hannah loved me enough to allow me to stand at her side as she said vows, sit at her table to eat with her, and be a part of the most memorable day of her life this side of having children. As well as being honored, I was terrified. See, 5 years ago in July I had a wedding of my own planned. I had the dress, the tuxes, the cake, the dj, and everything else down to an art. I had the whole thing going to the very last single day of my life when my groom backed out. I was not only desperately upset but also mortified. Weddings, needless to say, are not my favorite pasttime.

When Hannah asked me to be involved with the wedding, I said yes without even a second thought as to my own healing or lack thereof. I am glad I did because healing came last night in a small dose. I was in the wedding and I didn't die. I danced and I didn't break. I was in pictures and I didn't collapse. I am stronger than I thought! I truly feel like this is a step in the right direction. Also, I came to a new place by wearing a dress in public. That was one of my 2005 resolutions and I didn't suceed in 2005 but 2006 brought the victory. I looked ok, I think and I tried my best to feel comfortable in it!

Now I say to God, where is mine? Where is the man that I so long for? Where is the man who can honor my intelligence, quirkiness, failures, successes, and beyond? I want to get married and start a family but God has other plans it seems. Please pray that I can come to some sort of peace with that! I wish I could just be ok with today. It's hard at almost 26 and no man who I can honor enough to marry.

Have a great day and Happy Father's Day to my father, your father, and my wonderful grandfather who has been gone for 6 fathers days now. I love you all!

~e~

Brown is a beautiful color

As you all know, I have been writing things I love about California and yesterday reminded me even more how much I love it here. I have some of the best friends that you could ever have. Yesterday, I had to go to the emergency room for some new and fun kidney issues and found out not so good news yet again. I am to the end of my rope of dealing with diabetes and kidneys. I have to start taking care of myself. I was able to be cared for by such great people yesterday that I stand in awe at God's provision for my life. I also realized who my true friends really are!

Today's thing I love about California is two fold. One is that I love my friends and "family" out here. The other is the BEACH! I have added some pix of people I love and of course, the beach! Enjoy

Here is Oscar and Christopher together yesterday..my cute brown boys!

And the beach....

This one is just from me standing on the beach after I went for a bit of a jog this morning.

and so is this one...

This one is my new pet seagull...scuttle! Just kidding, I left him at the beach. (or her?)

This one is looking down onto the water over a rest point in my walk.

This one is what I like to call "White with foam"

This one is a look over to the houses on the hill, kinda dark..sorry

And this last one is free..a stang I saw on the way home. It was soooo hot!!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed my California love for today. More to talk about tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers for good health. Love you all.

~e~

Life..taking shape

I sit today in retrospect. I think about how much my life has changed and I am amazed. I think about living in Indiana just surviving and living in California now and really living! I have no idea what changed when I made a move other than getting away from unhealthy relationships but I became a different woman. Today there are still remnants of Indiana-Erica but they are slowly fading away to a girl who respects where she came from but loves where she is.

Today I emailed a resume to a company in Santa Ana called Recovery Assistants Foundation which takes calls from clients and coaches them through hardship. I am hoping to gain a position there as it is good experience, good extra money, and fits my schedule. I start grad school in just a few short months and I am so excited about starting the new phase of my life. It seems that life certainly is taking shape.

I decided today that the thing I love about California is Palm Trees. This one is especially beautiful and is located by one of my favorite breakfast spots. A hole in the wall location called "The Omelette Parlor" in Costa Mesa, California. Enjoy the pic and have a beautiful day!



~e~

I am a woman who wears many hats!

So today I went out with my friend Heather with a new idea...to look for things I love. We decided to go and browse which is just shopping without money. We had some good lunch at the corner bakery and I started thinking about what my "I love California" blog would be about today and indeed it is the shopping. I decided that I love how California's shopping fits every person..young and old, punk, goth, preppy, surfy, etc...and we all fit in. We have so many different styles around us at all times and everyone's welcome. I love that about our beautiful state.

Today I tried on some rad fedoras which I adore. I ultimately enjoy hats anyway but these two take the cake. I'll let you decide if black or white is my color.

The black one....

The white one....

We went into a bunch of different stores today and these were the images I captured. I think California is full of style and grace and let's be honest...amazing shopping. To the Irvine Spectrum..I salute you.

Signing off...

~e~

California..and how I love it

Hello and good morning to you. I am just doing a few things before my sunday begins. I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend. I have been pretty lazy and had plans to attend a bachelorette situation but ended up spending the day with my sick friend Heather. Heather has not been feeling well so we have been laying low. This morning I woke up with a fresh perspective and a motivation to change the way I think. I have been so gripy lately about life and to be quite honest, just bitter. I have been hurt a lot lately and it's made me into a negative nelly so to speak and I don't like that. I hate being negative so I have decided that for a while, I will remember what's good about my life and my surroundings. I am going to start with California in general.

Last night when Heather wasn't feeling well and we just wanted to do small things, we went and got dinner and afterwards my favorite dessert.....

Golden spoon is a great little frozen yogurt place here in California that has all these different toppings. It is really healthy because it is frozen yogurt and is low in sugar. It also always has different flavors available and my favorite thing about Golden Spoon, it's cheap. Last night mine was free because I had a punch card that was filled up! YAY! I just think that there are some things in life worth talking about and Golden Spoon is one of them. Today, as I live my day...I am going to try to capture something I love about California on camera so you can continue to enjoy it with me. Have a great day everyone and thanks for stopping in!!

~Erica~