A Graduation Montage

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Commencement Speech

Ok friends, the speech is finally over and it went really great so I thought a good place to post the speech would be right here on my precious blog. Here it is, although you don't get the emotion with it. Let me know what you think! :) Anthony took video of it so maybe if I can figure out how to edit it and put the speech on youtube I will do that and put a video of it on the blog. Hopefully I will be able to figure that out! ;)

Here it is....

When I was asked to speak to you today, one thing immediately came to my mind. “ I can’t believe after three years of these people knowing me that they still trust me to speak in front of a large group!” Honestly, it was absolutely the most wonderful thing for me to hear because I realized it was an affirmation of how much work I had done in this program. In Zechariah 13:9, it says that fire refines us and tests us in our lives and work. In my case, the fire of Grad Psych has done both. I came into this program with a lot of battle wounds. I had lost a lot in my short 26 years and had overcome a lot of obstacles including a diabetic diagnosis that almost took me out of this world, witnessing suicide first-hand, abuse, broken dreams, and like everyone, a lot of heartache before I darkened the doors of my beloved home, Graduate Psychology.

These challenges did not suddenly stop just because I came to the program either. In the 2nd year of my program, my 13 day old nephew and step-mom were killed in the same day in a tragic car accident. You would think that this would have stopped me in my tracks and made me quit. It sure didn’t! This program gave me some amazing tools to not only do therapy with but also to use in my own life. I learned to stop and grieve my losses even when it hurts terribly. I learned to lean on others through pain and allow their support to help me when I had no more to give. I learned to listen to these brilliant professors when they said their famous words, “No Erica, I am pretty sure that is your stuff!” Most of all, it taught me that although we are all alone in our suffering as humans, there is a God that loves me and is always holding us through it. I can honestly say that there were days that I felt Grad Psych saved my life.

There are a few things that got me through Grad School that I have to give credit to; my awesome professors, my classmates who are going to be amazing therapists, marrying the love of my life and relying on him through thick and thin, my amazing friends who are my family, and the love of my grandpa who although could not make it here today in body, is here with me and proud beyond measure. He would probably have some car analogy to let me know that by saying I was “built Ford tough.” Those things right now would be amazing to hear. Luckily this program taught me how to give myself what I need and today I need to be proud and I am. I am proud of me and all of you (turn to look at other graduates) It’s been a long, hard journey and we finished the process that God started.

The biggest question I get these days is “Man, Erica I bet you are so tired of school and ready to be done. You must be burned out.” To that I respond, “Nope, not burn out or burnt up, just more refined gold.

Laying it all down

Last night I had some serious time with Jesus. I have never had quite the time with Him that I did last night. I could not sleep, probably due to the enormous amounts of anxiety that I was experiencing about speaking today. I decided to come out in the living room and read my Bible and pray about all of the emotions that had been welling up with this occasion. Just to name a few, I have been having a hard time missing my grandpa these last couple of days, having a hard time not feeling supported by my family as no one will be at graduation, and a disappointment of not being a mother yet when I am finishing my Masters Degree. I know that I should be so excited about these events so I just wanted to lay all of this down.

I spent hours just laying my fears, hurts, pains, and cares down at Jesus' feet. It helped so much. I slept like a baby in my Father's arms. Today, I am ready to represent my class, ready to go the next step of my life, ready to allow Jesus to have every single care of my heart and every desire of my life. Jesus really is my guide, heart, and breath. My heart would be broken without him and today I get to tell a lot of people about my healing. Jesus will be with me and guide my every word and no matter what, HE IS PROUD OF ME!

Speaking award and Graduation party

Last night my whole class got together to celebrate our graduation with our professors and spouses at our Claim Jumper Graduation party. It was absolutely beautiful. We had a great dinner, dessert, and a program put on by our professors. Our spouses were given "awards" at this program for being available as support to us through the program. I thought Anthony deserved that so much.

Also, we got to see our video again that announced our class name, THE COURAGEOUS 21.
Each professor was given a list of students and asked to announce on those students on what they saw in them in the program and how they grew. Jerre did mine and it was beautiful. We got a lovely gift of a really nice coffee mug that says "Grad Psych Alumni." Those might be my favorite words to date.

I was also given a scholarship for the Outstanding Student award and that was really nice to receive. It will be funding a little getaway for Anthony and I after graduation. A marriage retreat of sorts. It was a pleasant surprise to be sure.

Overall the night went very well and it was such a honor to be there and share with my friends and professors and mostly Anthony what we have accomplished. Today I am spending the day cleaning with Anthony to get ready for a house guest and get my life back together. Tomorrow, I speak at hooding! I am excited and yet very nervous. Prayers would be appreciated.

Graduation Party night

Tonight I am very excited as our class is all meeting at Claim Jumper for dinner for our graduation party. We get to bring our spouses so it's even more fun. It will be really nice to share a meal with our professors and look back at our time in the program. I am not looking forward to a time of extreme emotions or goodbyes but honestly a time of letting go and having fun. I love the girls in our program so much and it will be nice to break bread with everyone and really just kick back. We only have one guy in our program which is why I said girls. We all love Kev too though!

On Wednesday, Anthony and I get to share a day at home together which unfortunately will be spent cleaning up our apartment as we are going to have a house guest on Friday. Thursday is the big day and I get to speak! I have really been looking forward to this and really am feeling so excited about the next few steps. We are looking forward to our little getaway next weekend as well.

I had clients all morning today and it was nice as next week will be my last week at the site. I have loved working there but at the same time, it's a new season and I have to find my new place. I really enjoyed all my clients and learned so much there. I feel like this new season is going to be very exciting.

Well, I should head off to get ready for the party. Hope all is well in your world.

Changing my way of "dress"

So as of Saturday night Anthony and I started going back to the gym. This was one of my huge goals as Grad School ended. Before I started grad school and met Anthony, I went to the gym daily and was up to running 2 miles per day and had lost a total of 140 lbs. Over the course of Grad School I have went to the gym maybe a dozen times and have gained about 80 lbs back. That is horrible and I absolutely hate it. However, it is not in my goals to berate myself or punish myself for this but to do something about it. On Saturday night I started working on getting in shape. For me, this has never meant a certain number on the scale or a certain waist size. For me, it's all about being in good health, being an athelete, and being happy in my own skin. I haven't been happy lately just due to my clothes getting tighter, being more lethargic and tired, and just feeling like crap.

Yesterday I went out and purchased two dresses for my graduation activities. Usually I hate dresses and literally have worn two of them for the past 10-15 years. One of them was for my friend Hannah's wedding and the other was for my own wedding. As you can tell, it has to be pretty serious for me to wear a dress. Well, that has really changed with the acceptance of my femininity. I think Anthony and our marriage really helps me embrace being feminine so I was really excited to put on my dresses yesterday and show him how I looked. He was of course very happy and complimented me all over the place so it felt good. I realize I do not look like a super model and surely don't have all the weight in the right places but I do like nice in my new dresses and that I can accept.

It takes daily work to accept yourself and understand what you are capable of. I am not accepting myself in the knowledge of being over 100 lbs overweight and happy about it. I am accepting myself in that I am the only one who can do anything about it and my husband loves me very much. Also, if I did not lose another pound God made me and that gives me worth. My goals are never to be a skeleton or extremely skinny because I honestly think it's not attractive to be extra skinny. I have never longed for that super lean stick figure thing. I love that I have curves and look like a woman. I am hoping to lose 150 lbs and be a vibrant, atheletic, health, curvacious woman.

In that being said, say some prayers for continued motivation for myself and Anthony and pray that I find dresses along that way that make me feel pretty and that I can keep embracing my female-ness! :)

Commencement

Commencement -- Beginning; the act of starting something.

So since I haven't blogged on my personal blog for a few days, I decided maybe it was time to talk about how everything is going with school. Last night was my last class in Grad Psych. We had a lovely dinner together and sang Karoke to our heart's content. We were also able to open up with each other and say our goodbyes. It was so great to be able to just tell people what they mean to me instead of ignoring that part and acting like we are all going to be best friends after this program. Next week is all of the activities that go into graduation. On Tuesday we are all getting together as a class and having a dinner at Claim Jumper. Spouses are welcome so Anthony will be there too. On Thursday, we have our hooding ceremony which is where I will be speaking. I went yesterday and got my speech approved and it was exactly what the program was looking for, which was nice. Then on Saturday it all comes to a close with Commencement.

As you see above, the word commencement means to begin or to start so it's so interesting that they name your graduation ceremony this. It is a start for me! It is the start of a normal marriage. It is the start of hopefully Anthony and I having a family. It is the start of my career as a therapist. It is so many things starting that I can barely think about all of the starts without getting overwhelmed.

I haven't written since, but I really did well on Exit. Exit scared me so badly but I am really pleased with the outcome. Just as everyone, there were areas that I needed help to navigate but overall, I was really pleased with how everything worked out. I felt very good afterward and really light. I described this to Anthony as if someone had asked you to lift weights for the duration of 3 years and through that time you held on the weights and most of the time you were lifting them but sometimes you would just hold them, but never put them down. At the point where I passed exit, it was like someone told me to put the weights down. Just as if you were really lifting weights, I was shaky, lighter, and stronger. It was a fantastic experience.

As Commencement draws near there are so many things I am passionate about and excited about with my new life without school. Mainly, starting a family, learning guitar, learning spanish, reading books for pleasure, going back to the beach a lot more, enjoying my husband a lot more, and various other things I am so excited to be doing.

Thanks for your prayers over exit and if you are in the area, I hope to see you at hooding, commencement, or both! :)

Exit strategy

So today, as well as the last 4 days, I have been sitting at home on my rump in front of a computer screen preparing for exit. I couldn't be more bored with my life and could not be more insecure about exit. I have gone over and over these questions and tried my best to remember every blasted detail of my client and still, I feel like I will go into the room and they will laugh me out of there and take graduation away from me. What is wrong with me? Why do I think like this? Why do I doubt my own abilities and mostly my own progress in the program. I feel so insecure today that I can barely stand to be with myself.

I just wish I had any faith at all in what is going to happen in that room. I feel like I will present my client to the best of my ability and they will spend the next 48-50 minutes shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, and wondering what you do when someone has spent 3 years in the program, been named commencement speaker, and now you have to fail their sorry behind! Why can't I just be remotely calm and confident about this?

I have noticed through this process that I have some pretty drastic core beliefs about myself. Core beliefs are things you figure out using Cognitive Behavioral therapy where you finish the sentences of...

I am ______________.

People are ______________.

The World is _______________.

So my answers, after about 5 years of therapy, are still pretty distorted. Mine are:

I am unworthy.
I am a fake.
I am stupid.

People are always looking to hurt me.
People are judgmental.
People are scary.

The World is F'd up.
The World is unfair.
The World is always looking to attack me.

I think that it is pretty sad that I have worked hard in my program and in my own therapy and those are still thoughts that plague me from my past. I am sad for myself today and maybe having a bit of a pity party but you know what I like about my blog, it doesn't mind!!!

Say a prayer for Exit on Tuesday at 1:30 Pacific time if you think about it. :)

Deeper

Lately I have had such huge growth in my personal life that I have been craving going deeper with Jesus. I have been a Christian for many years, 13 years to be exact. My relationship with him has been all over the place through grad school and through some personal trauma. Tonight in class we were learning about the correlation between Psychology and Theology and it was a breath of fresh air and really caused me to feel hungry for Jesus.

I am craving time in prayer, my word, fasting, discipleship, church, etc... It has been somewhat of a 3 year "dry" spell. I have been in relationship the whole time but something in me has really felt lost in where God was in this plan for my life. I desire to help people because of HIS love and HIS healing of my heart but something was not quite connecting. As I sat in class tonight, I began to tear up and feel strongly this hunger and pain of desire. It will be interesting to see where God takes me now.

Next step, learn Spanish

I will be honest, I am somewhat frustrated by the amount of Spanish that is spoken in my direct environment. For example, when I order lunch at a place and they get my order wrong because the menu is in English and they don't understand what you are ordering but I also am fairly tolerant when it comes to other situations like when people need mental health care services. In saying that, I have decided to make myself more marketable and to be available to help people who really might need the services by learning Spanish.

I have no idea what I was thinking in high school, (except that I was from rural Indiana and NO ONE really spoke Spanish) but I took several years of French as my foreign language. Now, here I sit living in Anaheim and man can I order a ham and cheese in French but I can't really get along in the world of Spanish. I was looking online today on jobs that are listed online for therapists and sure enough, almost 50% of them required someone bilingual in Spanish. This kind of scares me to be honest. Although I believe I can certainly learn Spanish but will I ever feel proficient enough to conduct psychotherapy sessions in Spanish, I am not sure.

I am going to start learning after I PASS exit and we'll see how it goes. If anyone is proficient in Spanish and is willing to help me learn, let me know! :)

Excited for the future

The future is exciting to me today. I graduate with my Masters in 3 and 1/2 weeks and there are so many things that are uncertain right now. I wonder about so much and yet there is an excitement in me that I can't contain. A few things I am excited about...

-- I wonder when I will get pregnant and if I don't, who my adopted child will be

-- If I CAN have children, I wonder what they will look like and be like

-- I wonder where I will work

-- What population will I be doing therapy with?

-- Where will we travel to next?

-- What will happen in Anthony's job and dreams?

-- What will my new nephew be like and how often will I get to see him?

-- What will Britt's baby look like and will it be like Britt and myself?

-- Who from the program will I stay in touch with and be friends with for a long time?

-- Will I still live in California?

-- What will my friend's lives be like in a few years?

-- What is it that God really wants to do in my life?

-- What is going to happen with my weight loss trek?

-- How am I going to incorporate my passions for therapy, scrapbooking, music, fitness, nutrition, and dancing to make my life fully fulfilling?

I think that is just a splash of the questions and excitement I have about being done with school and looking forward to my life. I am excited aobut my career, passions, life, family, and marriage so much right now.

Speaking...what that means to me

A few weeks ago I was given the honor of a lifetime for me. I was asked to speak at our hooding ceremony when our class is hooded for our Masters Degrees. That is such an honor for a couple of reasons. First of all, because my class is full of great people who have worked really hard and are excellent therapists and so to represent them as a class is such a great thing. The second reason is due to my own personal pain and growth through this program and how hard I worked to stay in it and focused when my world was crashing down.

For the first time in my life, upon achieving something great, I finally feel like I deserve it. I feel like to have me speak at this ceremony is deserved and is an honor and I will not shoot holes in it for myself but celebrate every single moment of this journey. I will be speaking on May 7th and I have "written" my speech in a sense and feel really ready to deliver what I believe God wants me to say. I am so excited and feel so happy about this achievement and for once, it can't be stolen.

I am 4 weeks away from Graduation and in the homestretch of all of my assignments and projects so keep me in your prayers over the next couple of weeks as everything comes to a close. :)

Getting to know me, Question #4

I would describe each of my brothers, sisters, or cousins when we were young this way:

Hilliary: The thing that I remember most about my oldest sister is that she was way into music. She had so much music and posters on her wall that it was hilarious. She would listen to her music so loud and my mom was always sick of it. She would play one song over and over and make you hate that song. She was pretty much to herself and always a little bit angry. I am sure that it came from a lot of painful things as a kid but also from her love of angry hair bands. :) I wanted to be just like her and wear my hair with tons of hairspray in my awesome perm and tight roll my jeans. She was my hero for so many years.

Tasha: I do not really have a whole lot of memories about Tasha since she grew up with my dad and step-mom. I remember she was really cute and had little glasses when she was little and when she came over to play we had tons of fun!

Brittany: Britt was an absolute handful, wait...was? She is a total handful. She always had something funny to say or do and often believed she was someone or something else like a ninja turtle or power ranger. She loved wrestling and was way more of a tom-boy than the rest of us. She was so cute with her blonde hair and blue eyes and you would find it hard to find cuter. I can't believe she is going to be a mama soon! She was very devious as a kid and really liked to use foul language that she had learned either around the house or from tv. This caused her problems once school started! :)

Matt: My cousin Matt is my Aunt Gale's oldest child and he was really kind of a loner when we were growing up because he was the only male grandchild which was probably hard for him. He was really into Star Trek and Star Wars and all things science fiction. Mostly he was just really quiet and played by himself. He and Hilliary are only a couple of weeks apart in age.

Amanda:Amanda has always had a ton of energy. She is my Aunt Gale's youngest and she has always been very young at heart. She always knew how to have fun. I remember her being really into Barbies and dolls in general. She was very spunky and fun to be around and really hasn't changed much if you know her!

Closure

I am at a place in my life I never thought I would be and it's amazing yet sad. I am graduating in 5 weeks with my Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology. I have had this blog since I graduated with my Bachelor's and I went through the whole process in this blog. It was hard to see College go as I wasn't quite sure of my purpose and started to work so much it took me down. I went through the process of studying for my GRE on here and applying to graduate schools. I went through getting accepted and through the years of painful exploration of myself and personal tragedy in the midst of a grueling school and work schedule.

God has been so good to me through this experience and now it's time to go through exit and graduation and feel accomplished. There are certainly seasons to life and this 3 years has brought many seasons. It was hard as I started to adjust and maintain my new relationship with Anthony at the time. I then went through personal tragedy in losing my nephew and step mom my 2nd year in grad school and then this year I got married and started trying to have a family. This has been a rollercoaster ride and to be honest, I am not sure what comes next. All I know is, in 5 weeks I will have achieved a dream and a goal and I am really proud of myself. I will keep everyone posted but have a lovely day and I will try to post throughout this time but be assured once that degree has posted, blogging will be more frequent.

Book of myself question # 3

This picture is Britt and Timmy! :) My dog nephew!

We had these pets or access to these animals growing up:

Cats:

Chi -- Chi was my first cat offically. He was a white persian who I absolutely hated. He would sit on the back of the toliet while I went to potty and eat my hair. This was not a loving relationship.

Ebony -- We had this cat next and she was black and did not live very long. I really liked her but she got pneumonia and ended up dying quickly.

Tasha: Tasha was my cat from age 5 or so until I was 25 or so. She was a beautiful little calico. She lived a long time and was the best cat ever. I loved her dearly.

Dogs:

Samantha: She was a cocker spaniel that we got when Brittany was a baby and she didn't seem to live long either.

Bull: Bull was a German shepherd that was Brian's dog and he brought it over when his parents moved away. He was a fun dog but had a lot of energy. He lived quite a while

Bart: My favorite dog, we got him when I was in junior high I think and he was the most beautiful Australian Shepherd. He was so much fun and loved me more than any animal has and I loved him right back

After childhood:

When I worked for Richard, he had a cat named Mimi and I was there with her for 4 years and she died right before I left the job. She was a great cat too. A gray tabby!

Brittany's chihuachua is a joy. His name is Timmy and he is blonde like Britt and he is absolutely the best dog ever. He is a very happy and friendly dog.

The book of myself question # 2

As I have mentioned before in the blog, I have been working on a book I grabbed to kind of learn about myself. It was a little journal like book where you answer questions about yourself. Today I am answering question # 2 in the book which is...

SOME of my favorite games, toys, or ways to entertain myself were:

-- My tape recorder -- I had this tape recorder and I have no idea who gave it to me but it was my favorite thing in the world. I would pretend to be a radio dj and have music, jokes, guest appearances from my family members, etc... and it was such a great place for me to escape when I was little.

--My ATV-- My dad gave me an ATV that looked like a 4 wheeler and it was just my size. I named it Evil Kinevil because my initials were EK. I rode that thing constantly and all of my friends loved it too and had such good times on it.

--Atari -- Hilliary and I had an atari when we were little and we would play frogger, fast food, and space invaders. It was a blast!

-- Pogo Ball/Skip it stick -- These were my favorite "active toys" I liked to jump rope and the skip it stick was a stick with a jump rope attached that counted your jumps. The pogo ball is the Saturn looking thing on this post where you put a foot on each side and jumped your life away. I loved these things!

--Books-- These were my ultimate favorite things in the world and really this hasn't changed. I escaped my troubles with books of all kinds when I was growing up. Some of my favorite titles were Charlotte's Web, The Boxcar children, the Babysitters Club series, and several others.

Overall, these were my most important items growing up and the things that entertained me most. I liked this question as it made me really think what made my childhood bearable. I had a rough one but these things made it something I could get through!

I hope that someone takes the challenge and answers these questions for themselves as it makes you think!

Sin City makes closer relationship to Jesus, says the Tabloid

So Anthony and I just back on Monday morning from Vegas for the weekend. We went to celebrate our 6 month married anniversary and God just really used Vegas to teach me some really important lessons. Things have been hard lately to say the very least. Anthony and I have been "trying" to get pregnant and that is the most anxiety ridden adventure I have ever had. In October when we decided that we wanted to start trying, I was so ready, excited, and completely into the idea. Then a few months passed with no "pregnant" on the pee test and I started to get very sad and down.

Well, when we went to Vegas this weekend it was after finding out that we weren't pregnant for the 4th month in a row. It was after I was 2 and 1/2 weeks late and really started to think it had finally happened. I went to Vegas with an agenda! My agenda was to GET OVER IT and stop wanting something so badly that I can not control. It didn't work. It's like when someone tells you not to think of a pink bunny. What are you thinking about right now? A pink bunny right?

All I could think about all weekend was being a mom since I saw numerous parents carrying children through the casinos with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other and thinking "why not me Lord?" What did I do to not deserve a baby and these people think casinos are kid friendly? As you can imagine it was a hard time.

It was the last day and I was going to bed because I am not one of those cool people who can not sleep! God kept me up all night teaching me about myself and showing me areas I can work on. The one that was brought to my attention so much more than the rest was materialism and having to keep up with everyone else. I live in this way so much and I can't blame it on Orange County, California when I was like this in Lawrence County, Indiana!

I am not saying that the reason that God is not giving me a baby is due to my sin life but...I am saying...maybe I would like to take care of this area first. Just a thought for today!

The book of myself starts here

So I picked up a book at Borders the other day called the book of myself. It has been pretty enlightening. I am learning about myself more and more and remembering things that I wasn't sure I even knew. I thought I would put a question a day on here so that I could record some of this on the blog and if you want to answer the questions so I can get to know you, that would be great. Here we go....


Question # 1:

This is how people described me as a child, and how I saw myself:

My mom often says that I never met a stranger and often entertained those around me. I was extremely outgoing and often got along well with adults and people my own age. I always had a large problem with constantly worrying. I was often referred to as "sensitive" and was said to wear my heart on my sleeve. I always had a large desire to be liked and I am and always have been a "people pleaser" I talked all of the time and often felt very self conscious.

I thought I would start to share these things with the blog and see if anyone wants to share with me. I love getting to know myself better and also know others better.

Hope you are all well!

Spread thin but trusting God

Over the past 3-5 years I have been spread thin on a consistent basis. This has been with working, going to grad school, etc... and this is my first year of truly learning to trust God in those times. Today marks 3 months exactly until my graduation day and I am so happy to know that one of my dreams is coming around the bend. I always dreamed of having an education and being able to be good at something. At least I'll finally have the education (joking)

I just took on a second practicum site as well and although I really like the people, the environment, and feel that I will learn so much it adds another dimension to being busy. For each practicum site, you have to have 1 hour of individual supervision or 2 hours of group supervision to every 5 hours that you spend with clients. Add this to 11 hours in class per week and several hours of reading and homework and you have my life in a nutshell. Often my sink has more than a few dishes in it, my mail and paperwork are often organized in stacks, and my DVR is full of tv shows that I would love to watch but just can't get "around to it." My husband and I use every spare minute to reconnect and have a meal together and it's hard to get through that.

Looking forward 3 months and knowing that this schedule is over and something new is beginning makes me feel quite a few emotions. One of them, happy! I am happy that I can focus on my family and my responsibilites at home and not think about the next paper being due or what reading assignment I am procrastinating away from. Another emotion that comes up is sad. I am sad that my life in school is over. I feel incredibly adult and yet feel like I am not ready for the "real world" while I have been living in it for a long time. The major emotional reaction I get is pure anxiety and fear. What comes next?? Who am I without school? What do I do when I am not overachieving in academics?

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today? What's on yours?

Those two harsh words

NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony and I have been trying to start our family for a few months. Although we are not concerned yet about fertility issues, it has been hard every month for me to see these two stinky words: NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to talk openly about this on my blog because I feel like I have always been honest on here and I have hestitated to talk about how deeply this is affecting me because it seems so silly. When I told the Doctor that we wanted to start trying to have a baby she was excited and made sure to tell me that it could take anywhere between 6-12 months for a 28 year old woman. I felt very excited that first month and also quite positive. We started trying in October so that means we have been trying for 3-4 cycles or so. I know that isn't a lot and to be honest, there have been a lot of other things going on as well but something inside me feels inadequate as each month brings those same words on the test, NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony assures me that everything will be fine and that we shouldn't even worry about it and maybe "not trying" would be more affective. I feel like the most useless person no matter what he says. I deeply desire being able to tell him we are pregnant, buying baby stuff, and planning for our little one. Right now, I am so tired of being disappointed and so tired of academia I am completely and utterly over it. On top of everything else, this has been plaguing my heart. I don't want to continue avoiding my blog so I don't have to talk about this. My blog is this safe place for me to express what is going on in my heart without censoring and there I was hiding from it. SO, here I am now admitting that this is the hardest thing for me because I am used to wanting something, going after it, and getting it. God seems to have a different plan this time and I am frustrated and sad.

Also, there is the issue of the family pregnancies that are continuing to be both happy news and sad news for me. Am I horrible because I can't get this out of my head and my desires are over riding my happiness for others? :( I would love feedback but mostly, thanks for reading.