They moved...at last!

Well folks today is a good day. Not only is it relaxing Saturday but also, it's weigh in day. Today the scales moved (hence the title) and I lost 4 lbs. I weighed in at 237 lbs today. Please keep up the prayers. That and hard work is working! I am very happy about the lost weight and it motivated me to get my butt in gear again!

Things have been really great the last couple of days. On Friday I had the distinct pleasure to share my lunch with Claudia which was great. We had a great talk and it was helpful to me in so many ways. God has placed just the right people in my life for just the right purposes. Claudia is a mentor to me and a great friend. I hope I can always return the friendship to her!

Friday night, I came to a very valid conclusion. I will not be abused in any way in my life anymore. I came across a certain man who chose to use harsh language on me to try to get me to play along with his game. It was really sad and I found that abuse is just not an option. I have severed a relationship with this person completely and have never felt better about a decision in my life. I have learned that unhealthy people will try to take you with them into their unhealthy behaviors and attitudes. They will say hurtful things to try to get you to be on their unhealthy side and I just won't waver this time. I am so happy that God has helped me to shape up my issues so that I recognize when someone is putting undo guilt on me! Hurray God and Atlas Shrugged!

This morning after weighing in 4 lbs lighter, not much could break my spirit. This man tried to contact me again at which point I shut the relationship off and did not bow to his sad low maturity level. It felt so good to walk away a conquerer in Christ. After that I had a great talk with my little sister, a good talk with a new friend and talked to my mama for a bit. I love my family and friends and I am so blessed!

Overall, it's been a good day and a great weekend so far. Keep tuned in and here are my learning and thankfulness for the last few days:

Learning March 3, 2005:

1. I love the Birthday quiz and am going to enact it on everyone I know.

2. Learning Joel is the most interesting thing I have done over the last couple of years.

3. Although there are times where you miss people, it's always best to remember why you left.

4. I really like privacy and when that is invaded, it leaves my day feeling icky.

5. Getting to know myself is sometimes a surprising journey.

Learning March 4, 2005:

1. Seeing weakness in someone you find strong is somewhat relieving.

2. Being able to walk away from a horrible situation is rewarding and inspiring.

3. Knowing how to deal with people maturely and as an adult is priceless.

4. Being healthy is so nice and when you are more healthy, unhealthy people are apparent to you.

5. I always learn so much from Claudia and enjoy our time together.

Thankfulness March 3, 2005:

I am thankful for Joel Forbes. This was his birthday and I am so lucky to have him. I am also thankful that I was able to do the birthday quiz with him and hear some of his insight on life. I am proud of him and continue to learn and love new things about him.

Thankfulness March 4, 2005:

I am thankful for lunch with Claudia. I am thankful that she is always there for me and guides me into truth and comfort. I am thankful that I can share my heart with her and more so learn from her own spirit. I am thankful that God is in the middle of our relationship and I am so happy that he blessed me with her!

~Shalom~

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy!

Today is a very special day on planet earth because 25 years ago, Joel Forbes was born. He is just the most precious person in my life and I wanted to take this time to dedicate the blog to him...my best friend!!! Happy Birthday Joel. Today's blog is going to center around birthdays but I am going to share an age old tradition with you all.

I have a little tradition I do, naturally as I am Jew, called the "birthday quiz." This is a little questionnaire that I pose to all of my birthday boys and girls. It's a tough one sometimes because it could be that the answers are hard and emotional but overall, good to reflect and look forward to the next year. My basic questions are.... (but not limited to)

1. What was the coolest experience of this year for you?

2. What is the worst thing that happened to you this year?

3. What is the best thing that happend to you this year?

4. What are you really proud of this year?

5. What have you learned about yourself this year?

6. What are your goals for the new year?

Etc....

These questions are not limited but they are good exercises to do on your birthday. The other thing I do is I tell the birthday boy or girl how they affected my life in their last year. It's a moving, emotional, bonding, and beautiful time. I really love the birthday quiz time. Joel is my favorite person in the world so doing the birthday quiz with him is always special. This morning he and I went over the birthday quiz and as always, his answers were great!

As you celebrate your birthday this year or any other year, try the birthday quiz out on yourself. I do this on myself every year. Also try it on your friends. Also, please hook me up with your birthday so I can give you the birthday quiz. It makes you live each year with a little more purpose and drive!

Note to my favorite birthday boy...

Joel,

You are one of the biggest blessings of my life and I am honored to share this existence with you. Happy Birthday my dearest boy! :) I want you to know that without you my life would be less of an adventure. Thanks for being my best friend and so much more than that. I look forward to many more fun times, fun talks, serious talks, and meaningful moments. Here is to forever friendship! I love you my sweet boy!

Here is my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning March 2, 2005:

1. I like my alone time although I used to hate it.

2. I am learning so much about myself recently.

3. Lunches with old friends are great.

4. There is no better feeling than exercise and I really need to get back to it.

5. Exercise makes me sleep better so lately I am not sleeping well.

Thankfulness March 2, 2005:

I am thankful for a great HONEST talk with my friend Kevin. I have been holding some stuff back from him out of pure fear and last night I was able to share some of that. I don't know what good it did but at least it's out there. Thanks for listening Kevin and thanks for praying with me. Also, thanks God for strength and peace that passes my understanding.

~Shalom~

Asking for help

Today I am learning a huge lesson and it hurts. I have been having some difficulties in life recently with emotions, hurts, pains, finances, and the list goes on. On the whole, I am very happy but I have been going through, what I like to call, a growth period. There are periods in your life when you are cruising along and everything is almost too simple. I have been through those times but not in a great while. For the last year and a half, I have been going through a growth period. God is ripping me apart daily and trying to put me back together piece by piece but I assure you, this is a painful process. I attribute a lot of my growth to the beautiful people in my life and their truth speaking friendship. I so enjoy when someone isn't afraid to tell me the truth and help me become a better Erica. That is a true friend!

Today and many days before this I have come to the conclusion that I have a hard time asking for and accepting help. I need a lot of help right now. I need help in a lot of facets. I have no idea where to seek this help or to grasp hold and try to find a way out. I need help in so many areas, it's scary and the reason for this is, I am afraid to ask for help, therefore, I keep needing it and eventually I am completely empty of being able to help anyone else. This comes from a background of being taught, directly and indirectly, to be a strong woman and not need anyone. That is just a falsehood. Having a need and expressing that need is a sign of complete and utter strength and confidence in your shortcomings.

I am not there yet. I believe that for every single friend of mine or family member but can't quite believe it for myself. I am aware that each of my friends, family members, and mentors have distinct strengths and I could be displaying my needs and most likely having them met if I didn't feel like a needy person when I express need. There is such a difference in neediness and having a need and making it known. It's funny because last night I was having a meeting with Richard, my boss. Richard is an interesting creature. He grew up catholic and basically really has no personal relationship with the Lord that I can see but he is great stuff. He has become an amazing friend of mine and speaks a lot of truth.

Each payday, we have a little meeting and talk about the things that are going on between us. It might be that I need to clean the counters down better or it can be something like Chris' improvement in school or we talk personally about our own lives. We often talk about Richard's success in business and what drives him and where he is in life and we talk about my quest for getting to know me and getting to fix all of the intricacies that I see fit to fix. Last night, we came upon an Erica emotional breakdown in the sense that no tears were coming and I was just at a loss for words.

I began to describe my heart as disheveled. I began to pour out all of the things I am worried about, hurting about, confused about, feeling guilty about...etc.... and Richard listened intently. He then said something that I have heard Christians say more often than unbelievers. He said "Erica, you have to find a way to get your emotional needs met, you are starving in a sense" He was so right. I am famished for love, affection, care, mercy, forgiveness, power, strength, friendship, etc...

I am getting a lot of fake feelings from a lot of fake filler items. I am filling my void in my heart with boys, food, control, hobbies, etc. and it's getting to be too much. I am physically not feeling well and mentally exhausted and feel like I am overextended. I am financially destitute and scared about the next step. I am feeling no purpose or drive. I am hard pressed on almost every side and I need help. I don't know if this is my first attempt or not but if you are reading this and you feel like there is ANYTHING you can do to reach out..please hear my cry. I am lost and quite honestly dying of emotional starvation. I am longing for medication...I am seeking the Lord so please know that he will meet the needs in some way. Pray for me please as I am in a hard place right now. Much love to all of you and ask for help people. Here is my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning March 1, 2005:

1. I really have reached quite a few of my resolutions already and I am proud of that.

2. I practiced the piano a lot yesterday and feel accomplished by it.

3. A lot of people I know had the dream to one day play piano. It's odd how few actually learn it.

4. Joel Forbes is the best friend I have ever had and there is no doubt in his wisdom and although many don't know this...that is a man after God's heart. SO IN LOVE :) (arggg..did I say that?)

5. My birthday present to Joel is exciting...he's 25 tomorrow people! Happy b-day Joel.

Thankfulness March 1, 2005:

I am thankful for a great talk with my best guy friend, Joel. He is just precious and always speaks so much truth into my life. I spent a good hour or two talking to him yesterday and it was amazing and heartfelt as always. His love is always so present and so obvious to me. He appreciates my blunders, ignores what everyone else finds intriguing and digs deep into me. I notice that he knows me best, yet loves me best. There must be something to that. Thank you God for this precious gift 25 years ago and thank you Joel for enriching my life.

~Shalom~

New Years Resoultions update!

Well, I made a committment at the first of each month to evaluate where I am on my New Years Resolutions and kind of take inventory. Today, I am going to do that since it's March 1st. Can you believe it's already march? It's amazing to me! Here is the update on all 50 resolutions.

1. Lose the rest of my weight: Well this has been very frustrating in the new year. I have joined a gym, changed some things, and really noticed my lack of self-control in eating patterns. My starting weight was incorrect on Day # 1 because I gained some weight in Indiana so I started the new year at 240 lbs. I am now at 241 lbs so obviously there is no weight lost and one pound gained. I have been having a hard time lately and I am hoping that starting weight training and pushing eating habits will help. I just recently also started a food journal. Please pray I can get it together.

2. Decide where to go to Grad School and apply to all schools considered: I am not doing this after much thought. I am not quite ready emotionally for grad school and really not ready financially as I am really in need of paying some bills down and rethinking some strategies. Overall, this resolution will be dropped from the list!

3. Get into a graduate school in a clinical psych program: This is another one that obviously doesn't apply anymore. I made my decision in February that it just wasn't time as well as rethinking some of my plans. I am gearing toward changing some ideas. Psychology is always going to be the goal but something is leading me toward behavioral analysis and things of that nature. We'll see!

4. Get a second job that I don't hate and make at least $3,000 a month: As you all know, this one has been a struggle. I decided also in February to really seek out a position in the field of psychology so I have been digging deep. My availablity with the nanny job is very hard on me finding a new job. Keep praying on this one and I will pick up the pace!

5. Pay off the Cavie in full and save $200 a month from May on: I haven't paid the cavie off and it won't be paid off until December of this year. I am looking forward to actually not having the loan payment anymore.

6. Go home for Britt's graduation in May: I really need prayer for this one folks. As I do not have a second job, I have no extra money to pay for a plane ticket. I really want to see Britt Graduate so please keep me in prayer for some extra cash to put aside for the ticket!

7. Pay $250 a month on accumulated debt in an attempt to pay off: Yeah right, no second job equals no extra money! Please keep praying for a job!

8. Handle Student Loans and make sure they are consolidated: Woo hoo. I accomplished this one today. I talked with a guy today and we made this happen. It looks doable but again, really need a job soon!

9. Find a church that I really like and attend faithfully: I haven't been to church at all in the new year so I am feeling pretty rotten about this resolution. I am hoping to get to church this next sunday..please pray that I obey this and do it! It's so hard the first time!

10. Develop a consistent and healthy relationship with my father no matter what: I really think I am doing well at this. My dad and I email each other about once a week and we are starting to delve into things that bother us both. I am hoping that each week brings a new step to this and we can stay up on it. This isn't really a goal that gets accomplished as much as just gets worked on.

11. Learn something new everyday in 2005 and record those lessons in my blog and journal: I am very proud to say that I do this every single day. If I miss a day in the blog, I make it up by still writing my learning and thankfulness. I am proud of this accomplishment!

12. Read through the Bible for the second time around: I have to be honest, I have not been doing very well on this goal. I have read about twice the whole year. I need to get into my Bible again.

13. Test blood sugar at least once a week throughout 2005: Not one bit have I done this goal. I need to test because I am no longer on insulin but I haven't tested the entire year. I really need to get onto this goal!

14. Weigh myself every Saturday of 2005 and record in a journal: I have accomplished this every single Saturday this year! Woo hoo!

15.Make sure and tell the people I love that I love them every time I talk to them in 2005: I have really kept this one as well. This is something I value so much and I try to love people the best way I know how. This is something I am doing well at.

16. Maintain good email and phone contact with my friends and family. At least one call or email per week to each person: not doing perfect at this but have done better in the new year. I hope to do better at this. Sorry to those of you feel I am failing you in this respect.

17. Send one random card a month to people I love and let them know what I feel about them: In February I did this but it was an E-card. I feel like I did the task somewhat and I completed this in January. I am hoping to touch someone's heart in March!

18. Buy one dress and wear it out in 2005: not yet, not confident in my own skin just yet.

19. Buy a swimsuit and wear it in front of someone in 2005 (non family member): Same applies here.

20. Have at least 2 professional pictures taken in 2005 to document any weight loss: not up for new pictures yet. Just had some done. Check them out at http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/psychgrad/index4.html They were with my family in December.

21. Maintain web-site well and keep it updated with new photos and news: So far I am doing great at this and maintaining it well. Go check it out and take all of the new polls, view the new pages, and enjoy the memories!

22. Take as many pictures as I can afford to take: I have only taken one roll in the new year and that was all I could afford.

23. Create a scrapbook of all of my pictures and make those memories last: I have started my scrapbook and it's amazing so far. I can't wait for all of you to see it. I have blogged about it a little and it's precious to me. I am excited about my new hobbie. It brings out my femininity and helps me create lasting memories. I am excited about it!

24. Go on a cruise to Mexico with my favorite Boy!: Still working on this...I am hoping funds will allow and we will find time. There is time though and possibly might have to do it in the summer or fall. :( Unsure

25. Visit Josh in Colorado during the summer: I am doing everything I can to head out to see Josh. I miss him so much right now as he is in London. I am looking forward to chilling with him and enjoying some us time! :)

26. Finish reading Atlas Shrugged: I officially have a deadline for this now. Joel is going away to Costa Rica for a bit and it is actually his book I am borrowing and I promised him to be done with it when he gets back..I have a goal now! WOO HOO. I am loving this book but it's a really hard read when you are limited on time. It's a priority I have to make though!

27. Have Carrie out at my place sometime in 2005: This is in the works, I am going to pray that Carrie gets time off and finances to do this. I can't wait to have her out. Need to check in on her about this!

28. Save money for Christmas to be able to get the people I love something great: Not a red cent has been saved yet due to the job crisis. I really need a job, have I mentioned that?

29. Pray everyday no matter how I am feeling or what I am doing wrong. Go humbly before the throne of God daily: I have failed miserably at this one. I have prayed about a handful of times this whole year. I have to get it together. My relationship with God is not very good right now!

30. Pay off hospital bills in Collections as soon as possible in 2005: Haven't had the opportunity to do anything above and beyond my everyday bills in the new year :(

31. Eat breakfast every day of 2005: I have done pretty well on this because I eat breakfast with Chris. On the weekends I struggle with this.

32. Take a multivitamin every day of 2005: This goes along with breakfast because I take the vitamin with Breakfast!

33. Drink 64 ounces of water every day of 2005: I come close to this everyday being that water is my only beverage. I think I come very close to this goal.

34. Work out in some way every day of 2005. This can be taking a short walk, doing weights, aerobics, shopping, etc...but I must be intentionally moving every day: I mostly meet this goal with a few slip ups here and there.

35. Lose 35 lbs at least by May when I come home for Britt's graduation: I haven't lost any weight yet and it's upsetting me. I could use some prayer as I really want to make my goal.

36. Work arms out at least 3 days a week due to them being very weak: Just recently I have added weight training to my regime and working hard on upper body, lower body, and abs! I joined 24 hour fitness for this purpose.

37. Work abs out 4 days a week in 2005. I have terrible love handles: Same goes for this one!

38. Have graduate school application in by February 1, 2005 to Vanguard: Does not apply as I am postponing grad school.

39. Save $10.00 of each paycheck in 2005 at least and place in a savings account in order to develop some savings: Haven't had any money to save as of yet.

40. Record all spending in 2005 to see where all of my money goes. (my guess is food): This has been found to be bills and gas in the new year! GAS IS A HUGE ONE!!

41. Get over Adolfo in 2005 by actually dealing with all of our baggage: I haven't spoken to Adolfo in a long time which is the idea and have been working through some of the huge things that got in our way and created problems.

42. Have a beautiful V-day in 2005 even if I don't have a date by loving myself: I had a great V-day even though there was no special guy. I was happy and established in my singlehood and 1 year free of misery!

43. Get dental work done in 2005 fixing my broken tooth and possibly more: I haven't had the extra money or insurance to do this yet.

44. Limit intake of red meat to 3 times a week in 2005: I try to stay true to this goal as it's a good one for my health.

45. Eat no pork products in 2005: I try very hard to stay away from pork in any way!

46. Read at least one psychology type book every two months in 2005...totaling 6 books in all throughout 2005: I have read one already and moving onto a second one.

47. Take lessons to learn something new in 2005 regardless of what it is...piano, karate, guitar, drums, etc... whatever comes to mind: Yes, I started piano lessons yesterday and although I think it is going to present a huge challenge to me, I am stoked about it. It's hard and will require a lot of my time, I am excited about learning even one song and understanding the notes.

48. Write one thing each day that I am thankful for in order to fully develop a sense of gratefulness toward God: I have done this everyday and record this in the blog. It's truly a growth experience to know what is good in my life. (Stay tuned for my learning and thankfulness later)

49. Practice giving others space in 2005 by limiting phone calls and things such as that when I feel I have gone overboard: I have been doing better and better at this. There is one person who I feel I have finally learned enough to understand their point of view and respect it. I love this part of our relationship!

50. Use caution and be protected in every case. Don't take stupid risks!!! (you know what this means Erica): I have not taken any stupid risks and still feel very smart about things.

Ok, well this is where I am on my resolutions. I will get back with you next month on these and until then, stay tuned!

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 28, 2005:

1. I like February becuase it's short..it doesn't feel all special like the other months and need so many days.

2. Piano is great but is going to be very hard.

3. I loved hearing from an old friend and catching up.

4. I love learning new things.

5. Hannah is an incredible piano teacher.

Thankfulness February 28, 2005:

I am thankful that Nick Pridemore called me yesterday and caught up with me after a few years of no contact. Nick is leaving for Iraq on Saturday if you could extend your prayers his way. Also, he and his wife, Merry, are expecting a little boy in August. Please just saturate these two precious people with your prayers. God thank you for Nick and Merry! Thank you for Nick's call and hey Nick, thanks dude!

~Shalom~

the quest for God-control

Upon writing yesterday I had several people read the blog and respond to me on several different levels. Some of you wrote me and felt very much the same and didn't really know how to control yourself either. Others of you gave me your own opinions and tried to guide me as well as you could. Others of you were actually invited to help me as a mentor or trusted friend and gave me wisdom immeasurable. Overall, I have come to the conclusion that I don't need to know how to control myself on a mother-board typescale. I need to be able to trust God to help me gain self-control. One of my trusted mentors pointed out something that I really wanted to share with those of you who struggle in this same area.

She mentioned that self-control is a fruit of the spirit. Fruits don't grow unless they are nourished. This is such an imperative thought to consider. I mean, if I am not nourishing myself in the Lord, how do I expect the fruits of HIS spirit to bloom?? This is such a valid point and somewhat directs me on the next step in obtaining this fruit. I looked into the verse about the fruits of the spirit last night and realized, I am not really nourishing any of these. I am not necessarily living in any of them and maybe I should be concerned about that!

I am telling you, it's hard being the kind of person who constantly thinks of things to work on or constantly thinks in general. I am a thinker and by nature, a person who is always looking to get better or healthier. I think this is good but can get a bit difficult as I try to make every one of my goals overnight. One of my hugest problems is patience with myself. I really need to try to work on being more patient with me! I am the kind of person who can accept that healing and change takes time in other people, but with me..I want it done yesterday. This self-control thing is going to take much time and much patience in myself. I am going to have to embrace having a hard time.

I don't think that there is anything new to report. No news on jobs yet. Nothing really huge happening in my life other than work and trying to lose weight. I have major focus right now on the losing weight factor so let's hope I can get it in gear. Your prayers would be appreciated.

Well, I should get going as I have a million and one things to get done today. Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 27, 2005:

1. Self control is not something that you can learn or inact without the help of God.

2. The fruits of the spirit need to be nourished just like a normal fruit would need to be. They do not come overnight to those who are worthy!

3. When I really try, I can accomplish goals that I saw as getting ahead of me.

4. I really miss Heather and Josh and they are literally two of the best friends I have ever had.

5. People do care about my opinion in their lives and miss me when I am not around.

Thankfulness February 27, 2005:

I am thankful for a trusted mentor in my life, Claudia Degelman. She was my professor at Vanguard but since I graduated a mentor and friend. She is very special to me and always takes the time to listen and really guide me in wisdom yet always helping me to understand things from my own point of view. I value her so greatly and thank God for her direct place in my life. Thank you God and thank you Claudia!

~Shalom~

Over and over again

Good Sunday Afternoon everyone. Today I sit in a place of frustration. I like to really tell the blog exactly what is going on and exactly the person I am. Authenticity has been a huge word in 2005 and I am trying to get there. Today brings me to a place of being tired of myself. I am frustrated with living in my own skin. I am angry with some of my mistakes and how I constantly make them. I have a serious issue with self-control. This is an aspect of myself that I have to work on in little bitty baby steps. I have virtually no self-control and because of that, I try to control the rest of the world. I even have no self-control in being controlling.

If I had to get down to the fundamental problem with me, it would be the word control. Control has been an issue for me since I was a little girl. In my home, there were several levels of abuse happening and when you are an abused child or someone who sees a lot of abuse, you try to gain control in any area that will sit still. I have tried to gain control in school, friendships, relationships, jobs, etc... I can't gain enough control to ever satisfy myself at this point though. I know that is because I feel like if I have control over a situation, it can't hurt me. There is a level of risk in life that I don't know how to take.

The other side of this coin is that I have no ability (or at least haven't up until this point) to control myself. This applies to areas of boys, food, exercise, discipline, procrastination, anger, verbal outbursts and the list goes on. I can't (or haven't) control my way of being. It's like, I can pretend to control all of the factors in my life but when you get down to it...I have no self-control. This is one of my hugest goals upon figuring this out. I need to gain control of my own actions. This is a fruit of the spirit that I don't possess.

I think the first plan in this problem is to really examine what self-control consists of. I am not sure the biblical view of it or even the psychological view of it. I am going to seek some godly counsel on it by going to a few trusted mentors and also a friend or two and discussing the concept of self-control. I need to just tell people how I am. I am afraid that this will affect our relationships but overall, if it does...this is me letting go of some control again.

Since my first plan is to seek out advice, I really need to pray for God to help me weed out the things that he needs me to hear about self-control. It might be hard for me to hear and it will most likely be hard for me to inact but I am willing and able to hear. I would like for everyone I pursue to be honest and open in telling me how to work with some of the things I am struggling with. I am going to be very careful in choosing the people to speak into my life about this specific subject.

My second plan of action is to gather all of the information that I have obtained and really look it over and look into my own heart. If someone tells me that I have a problem with something, I want to look that over and consider its truth. I want to really get to the bottom of why this problem is here and how I can attack it from all angles. I am ashamed that I have no control over myself. I am ashamed that I listen to every urge and craving and obey them promptly. I am ashamed that I deny myself happiness and joy in my spiritual life by allowing those urgings and cravings to control my every action.

Some of these self-control issues are very embarassing and somewhat intimidating. They are hard for me to confront or even admit. I have a hard time even admitting them to myself. I know that my life should not reflect most of the things that it does. I am not happy about the woman I am and for that reason, my life is constantly under the microscope. This blog is a extension of the work that is constantly going on inside of me. I am a person who believes in self-improvement. I am always working to achieve that next goal of being a better Erica.

Right now, I sit at a place of wanting a change and uncertainty of how to do it. I am going to immediately seek help in this aspect by asking people for advice and opening my heart up to accountability. I am seriously overwhelmed with this problem and just need to find a little light at the end of this self-control tunnel. Until then, please pray that I find the right people to talk to and that they understand this problem and hear God's voice to help guide me. Please also pray for strength because I will need it.

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 26, 2005:

1. I have no self-control and hate myself for it.

2. I still have a problem with anger when it comes and need to get back out the anger journal.

3. I have learned some serious lessons about boundaries and am starting to show some improvement in that respect.

4. The sound of one man's voice still makes my heart leap!

5. I am still very sad about Adolfo and I wish I could just be over it.

Thankfulness February 26, 2005:

I am thankful for my new hobbies and the things I use to get to know myself. I am currently doing a lot of new things in my life like reading different kinds of literature, studying psychology more, scrapbooking, organizing, meeting new people, etc...and they are growing me up as a person. I like spending time with myself and I am trying to learn that I am my best friend without isolating myself. I am thankful that I have come so far since starting this journey. I am thankful for a year of growth! Thank you God and thank you to all of my friends who have helped and thank you Erica :)

~Shalom~

My private journal

Hello everyone and happy Saturday. Today is my weigh in day and I am surprised that I maintained this week at 241 lbs. I ate horrible this week as well as started weight training so I figured I might gain. I am happy that I didn't though! Oh well, onto a losing week.

Today's title is "My private journal" because I decided to talk to you about my private journal. My blog is deep inside thoughts that I choose to share with others in the hopes that my thoughts and feelings will help some of you grapple with your own. I have a private journal as well. It's currently a red book with empty lined pages in it that I spill to every once in a while. I would be lying to say that I write in it daily although there have been stints of time where I had to. I write in it at no certain schedule and whenever I need to tell someone something very hard or very secret. I don't want to disclose my personal items to any human so I tell my journal and I feel accomplished in "getting it out."

Lately my private journal has been a friend to me. I have had many situations where I didn't feel confident telling another human about my problem, my feelings, or my actions. I would encourage anyone who has a problem with sharing things too much (like myself) to grab a journal (only about $5.00 at Borders) and start writing. I started my journal writing on April 3, 2004 and it continues today. It's the same book so obviously I don't write everyday but it's just about full. I feel accomplished knowing I have almost kept a journal for a full year. I can read back and see what I was doing at any given time and where my heart was in the healing of things.

I look back at those days and laugh sometimes and other times I cry. At times I am proud of myself for things achieved and seeing that I got through one of the hardest days I have ever had. The other night I was reading back through my journal and found a page where I wrote about my desire to kill myself. I would normally not share this with my blogging public but today, I felt it might help someone. I am usually a joyful person no matter what is happening in my life. That day I was at the end of my rope. I was at the peak of saddness and lonliness. I was struggling to maintin my breath not to mention any sense of dignity or self respect.

I was struggling with a decision I had made that I felt God has asked me to make. I was struggling with running back to this sin and doing it because it made me comfortable. The uncomfortable silence of God that day made me want to cut my life short. I told my journal how if I had some kind of certainty that my family and friends would be alright, I would do it without a second thought. I should mention here that I had never been in that place before and haven't been there since but man, that day was the hardest one I have seen.

I remember and read of what pulled me out of that funk. I had a friend who was willing to sit up with me until the wee hours of the morning (even though this friend had an early class the next day) and just remind me of my worth in God and that it was one day on a map of a million days and I would be stronger in the morning. That friend was right. About a year later, I can tell you....I am healing at a rapid rate about this hurt. I have my God, my friends, and myself to thank. I wanted to share that with you all knowing that most of you have probably been here at some point in your life and I urge you to talk to someone or write it out. Later, you will be amazed at God's love for you!

Well that's what I had on my heart to share today. Enjoy my learning and thankfulness for the last few days:

Learning February 24, 2005:

1. I do well in interviews, I just wish my availablity was better.

2. Autism is so interesting to me and I am going to start researching it.

3. I learned some new information about Eastern Orthodox today and I am going to look into that as a denomination.

4. Piano tuning is fun to watch because you go from hearing sour notes to hearing a beautiful song played at the end.

5. I love piano music and can't wait to learn anything on my own.

Learning February 25, 2005:

1. I am an interesting girl who can keep people on their toes. (Someone told me this)

2. My honesty is refreshing as well as hurtful at times (Again, said by someone else)

3. I have undergone a lot of changes in the past year.

4. I really like people who are humorous and care about me.

5. I learned something new and it made me really happy!

Thankfulness February 24, 2005:

I am thankful for the experience of a great theological talk with the piano tuner (Bruce). He is Eastern Orthodox and we talked about God and religion for the entire hour he was tuning. It was such an interesting discussion and he affirmed my strength in hearing a lot of my story and testimony. The truth is, I am a strong girl and I learned that from Bruce and I am thankful for God placing that discussion in my life.

Thankfulness February 25, 2005:

I am thankful for a talk I had with a new friend, Terrence. Terrence is really attractive and basically very much my type. We have been dating just recently. He is a really great guy and we had a long conversation where I learned new things about him and things that really motivate him. I am hoping that if nothing else, I can encourage him in his dreams and affirm his personality and talents. God has blessed me with a lot of new friends!

~Shalom~

Job interview update

Hello everyone and Happy Thursday. I have mentioned this before in the blog but Thursday is one of my favorite days. I have no idea why it always feels good but it does. This morning I had a giant surprise on my way to my job interview. I got a call from London. I was able to talk to Heather and Josh this morning which was magical. I love them both so much and it was awesome to be able to hear their voices. As you all know, they are currently studying abroad in London. I was stoked!

My job interview went well. I learned so much about the position and it looks like my availablity might hold me back from gaining a position there immediately. It's something I am terribly interested in and I am wondering if there is a reason I was there. I really hope I will at least gain some hours there or something because it's an amazing job. I also learned that there is a program where they teach young autistic children the fundamentals of soccer and they were interested in me working with that program. I used to know NOTHING about soccer but since meeting Josh and watching his games, I might be able to pull that job off.

Today through Sunday I am off work and happy about that. I need some leisure time and I am sure to get some this weekend. I am going to read, scrapbook, watch tv (desperate housewives), go on dates, and enjoy myself in the things I love like working out and going to the beach. I am looking forward to a few days of just being me! I realize that months ago, I could not have said that statement at all.

I sit now waiting on the piano tuner. He is going to be here at 2:00 and that should be good. The piano will be all ready for mine and Chris' lessons with Hannah. Hannah doesn't really know she is going to be teaching me too but I am going to sit in on all of his lessons so I will learn alongside him and be really excited about it. I love the idea of learning the piano and I hope I pick it up fast or at least at all. :)

Well that is where I am at for the day. Please keep me in prayer to find a psych position that fits my schedule and works with my interests and skill. I need a job soon! I love you all so much and have a great day! Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 23, 2005:

1. You can win back enemies in business by inviting them to Vegas and paying for them to stay in the 4 seasons! :)

2. A new porsche is a lot of money!

3. Piano tuning is expensive.

4. There are people with lives like mine and they live with the same pain.

5. Life is interesting when you observe it and analyze it. Don't let your life pass you by without taking a look into it.

Thankfulness February 23, 2005:

I am thankful that I finally was able to talk some things out with my mom about the "wedding." Many of you know that in 2001, Adolfo cancelled our wedding the day before it was supposed to happen. This is a deep wound in me not from Adolfo but from other people who were around when it happened and how they reacted. I figured out last night that I really need to work through some of that. Thank God for the talk with my mom!

~Shalom~

no drama and loving it!

Today my life is drama free. I have finally came to the point where I eliminate drama therefore I never have to experience it. I go into things honestly and never accept someone elses drama for my own life. I love that I am healthy enough to know what's good for me and know that I am my most important person! I just won't accept anyone's hand me down drama anymore. I love myself entirely too much.

Things in So. Cal are going pretty well. Today is my last day with Chris for a while and to tell you the truth, after 3 full days of him, I am ready for a break. I don't know about this mommy gig at all. It's amazing how much there is to it. The good thing is, there are breaks. Usually you are not in a house for hours with the kid. I am ready for a weekend of fun and that is exactly what is going to happen this weekend!

I have a job interview tomorrow morning and I am looking forward to hearing more about the position and letting you all know the verdict. I am hoping for a second job as I really need the income and I also need the outlet of psychology. I am also in deep desire for a place to go that will keep me busy and out of the fridge.

In other news, Christopher tests for his orange belt in Karate this weekend. He is really finding himself in Karate and doing really well at it. His birthday was kinda disappointing as it rained and he wasn't able to go paint balling as he had hoped. I think his dad is rescheduling it for a couple of weeks from now.

I am starting to lift weights again which is a big thing for me. It always helps me burn more calories and fat and makes my body take on a better shape. I am enjoying it so much and tonight is lower body and abs so I always feel great after that. Last night I did upper body and abs and it was great. I also do cardio every single day. Cardio is essential for a chubby!

I haven't touched the scrapbook in a few days but I am going to get back on it tonight. I am hoping to do a few pages of text as I am trying to write about each page I make. It's a great scrapbook so far and really honors the people in my heart.

My family seem to be doing ok. Britt graduates high school in about 80 days. She is really excited but scared and sad at the same time. My mom is doing a little of everything at the grocery store and I am hoping she will find her niche somewhere. She is good at practically everything so I am sure she will. Hill is the same as always and has been winning poetry contests and photography contests. Britt won one also so they are both terribly talented and creative.

My friends from out here seem to be doing well. Heather and Josh are in London for a semester and I hear from them frequently and they are doing well and experiencing a lot of new things. Joel got back from Hawaii the other day and will be heading to Costa Rica in March. He is a big traveller which is great. He is pretty much healed from the tumble he took a month ago. Hannah will start teaching me and Christopher piano on Monday. I am excited about this as not only will I learn piano but I will get to see Hannah once a week.

My friends from back home seem to be ok too. Jarrid is working in Bloomington now and seems to be healing more and more each day. Carrie is working hard and raising her two little ones well as always. I heard from Mike today (Neves) and he has recently got a job in Florida and is doing well out there and settling in. He likes it and it looks promising for him to be there and get himself together. I love the guy and it's great to have him back in my life.

Well that's the news from the Erica-front. I hope all is well with you. Let me know if anything new is going down. Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 22, 2005:

1. Christopher with Medication is a world different than christopher without.

2. I hate video games.

3. I don't like unexpected visitors.

4. I love phone calls from unexpected sources

5. I miss my little sis and wish we could just take a trip together.

Thankfulness February 22, 2005:

I am thankful that Richard gave away one of his cars. It was in my way on the street where I park and was getting annoying. I hated it and it was old and ugly anyway. I am just happy it's gone! I know this doesn't sound like a thankful event but it is!

~Shalom~

I'm back for today! :)

Ok, I am back. I had to run to the bank and do a few things before writing my post for today. As I said in my last post, I am having difficulty with being entirely too dependent upon food. I am frustrated with it and hopefully I will get better. I have been going to the gym and working out so hard but you know, it's a pain when you can't get your mouth to stop eating. I will probably get better when I have a job during the day and can get away from the fridge.

Anyway, things have been ok. I am gearing up for a job interview I have on Thursday for an actual psychology position. I am stoked about that. I am hoping that pans out and I am offered a position. The main problem is my availability with having chris most of the day. I am basically just dating, working out, working, and reading a lot right now. It's a great time in my life to get things done and heal some more about things that have been going on.

I haven't talked to Adolfo for about 2 months and it is an amazing feeling. I feel like I am finally over him. I don't need to talk to him or hear about his life now. I feel like I can breathe without him again. I have a few people I am interested in but nothing serious as of today. I am hoping to have some better luck and find someone at least that is cool to hang with.

Well here are my learning and thankfulness for the last few days. Enjoy:

Learning February 20, 2005:

1. Sometimes you need a day off from working out. It can help you get some perspective.

2. Naps are great, especially when it's raining.

3. I love my family more every day.

4. I miss my Jarrid and I can't wait to talk to him soon.

5. It's funny how I lose track of people sometimes.

Learning February 21, 2005:

1. I like a great leg workout. It's good to make your thighs burn.

2. The gym is so much better at night when it's just me and a few other people.

3. I love the show staring over...yet again and feel like I never want to miss it. It empowers me.

4. I sometimes need the words of my mentors to drive me to succeed.

5. I am a perfectionist and sometimes it's ok to loaf a bit.

Thankfulness February 20, 2005:

I am thankful for a restful nap in the middle of a dreary rainy day. There is nothing like turning on the fan, closing the shades, and cuddling up in your blankets for a few hours. It makes me feel all better and escape for a minute.

Thankfulness February 21, 2005:

I am really thankful that I have a gym membership. I love going to the gym to get away and spending an hour or two there and working on my body. I leave feeling so energized and better than ever. I am so happy to be able to have the luxury of being in the gym at 10 at night and feeling powerful when I leave. I love 24 hour fitness!!!! Get a membership people..it's amazing

~Shalom~

Addicted..completely and utterly

Hello everyone. I hope this Tuesday finds you doing well. I didn't write yesterday as my day was very busy. Christopher is off of school this week and I have him all day. It's stressful but it's money! Anyway, the title today is addicted..completely and utterly because I am having a hard time with my addicted to food.

I have to get to the bottom of this because I have changed my drinking habits (no more soda) and my exercise habits (work out every day) yet I am still not losing weight. I know this is because of my deep and intimate relationship with food. I medicate myself with food. I feel happy when I am eating. I am overwhelmingly happy and comfortable with a fork in my mouth.

Right now I am bummed out and don't want to finish this blog. I am going to write my learning and thankfulness in a later post today. Have a great day until then and please pray!

~Shalom~

A first, hmmmm

Yesterday was a good day. I spent much of my morning driving to Corona in the pouring down rain to pick up Christopher. He was supposed to have a birthday party yesterday and I am not sure how that went down. I try to stay out of family affairs. I hated my morning drive but other than that, things went well. I talked to a new person in my life yesterday and enjoyed a very good conversation. We had much in common and I found him sincerely interesting. We talked about 4.5 hours before I noticed how long it had been.

I then decided that I needed to spend some time at the gym. I went and spent a very long just trying out all of the machines and working on different muscle groups. It was fun to see how strong I am in some areas. I am trying to tone my body at the same time as losing fat. I am frustrated with my weight loss journey but I am hoping that with weight lifting I will prompt my metabolism a bit. After the gym, I felt on top of the world.

I then spent another 1.5 hours or so on the phone with the new person again. It was a great talk and we ended it deciding to get together and spend some time together. Last night I hung out with new guy and it was a fun time. I am not sure where it is going to go but nevertheless I had a good night.

Sometimes I realize that I am searching the world over for something that barely exists. I am looking for someone who is intelligent yet silly, sensitive yet masculine, etc...men have a lot to live up to for me. Either way, new boy is doing pretty well. I will update the blog if anything good develops. I have to report, it's been a year since the break-up so I am officially open for relationships again. I have not found anyone that I would like one with necessarily but I am "ready" if you can call it that. Adolfo and I haven't talked in about 2 months and it's so healthy for me to have him out of my life. I don't call him and most days I don't even think about him.

Well, I really need to do about a thousand things today in preparation for my new week but have a great day ya'll and we'll talk soon!

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 19, 2005:

1. I really like weight training. I love the burn and I love the pain the next day of knowing I am developing muscles.

2. I really like muscles on men! WOO HOO

3. It's been a long time since I have met someone who I could talk with. I like meeting new people to have discussions with.

4. I like my face. It's nice to be able to look in the mirror and feel like I have a cute face when my whole body is a challenge.

5. I like when boys smell good! :)

Thankfulness February 19, 2005:

I am thankful for my family! I love them so much. It's hard for me because they are the only people that REALLY know me. I have grown up with my mom, Hill, Britt, and my grandparents my whole life consistently. I miss my grandparents and wish they were here but I am not about to live in the past. I have my 2 sisters and my mom still backing me. I wish I could feel this way about my other sister and my dad but in time I will build a good relationship, I am sure. Today, I add a picture of my FAMILY! They are adorable. In case you don't know, I am the cute one in glasses :)

~Shalom~

down but not out!

Good Morning everyone. It is a very dreary Saturday here in So. Cal. The rain was coming down all night and I heard a storm "a-brewing" while I was sleeping. Sorry, I had to use that phrase, it made me feel at home for a second. I sleep so well when it rains and storms. That is probably due to my upbringing in the land of tornadoes back home. My sleep is always deep and uninterrupted. I can't complain since I have been sleeping rather well lately. My exercise habits and working a lot are making me crash pretty early and crash excessively hard.

Today, I come into the blog with bad news for me. Today is weigh in for me always. Saturdays are my start over day. This morning I got on the scale and had gained back 3 of the pounds I had lost. I am very upset by this as I went to the gym literally every day this week. I have been lifting weights and I have to believe that some of this is muscle gain but it bums me out. If I was to be honest with my blogging public, I am having a hard time. I have good exercise habits and really enjoy working out. I go to the gym every day because I am paying for it and always do cardio and something else. (namely weights or stationary bike) I know what my real problem is though. It's my eating habits.

This week I have not been a good eater. I have struggled so hard with foods that are what I call..red light foods. I have eaten birthday cake, pizza, greek food, koo koo roos and although most of those things are good for me, they are not good in the amounts I take them in. Last night it took everything I had not to go upstairs and have a snack after dinner. I wasn't hungry or I would have had to go and eat something. I just wanted to have the taste of food in my mouth. I am struggling hard with eating and to be honest, I always have.

This is the reason I used to be 200 lbs overweight. I used to drink sodas every single day, eat more than one sandwich at McDonalds at a time, eat only things that were greasy, fried, sugared, or covered in gravy, etc... and it really tore my body up. Today, I eat considerably better by only drinking water, eating no fried foods, limiting my intake of red meat, and eating much more vegetables and fruits. I am telling you, I need to learn what to do about this weight. I am frustrated and find myself back at 241 lbs. I was 238 last week. I know that I can chalk some of it to muscle gain but not 3 lbs.

I really want to meet my goal this year. I want to be able to get on the scale and be under 200 lbs. It's so hard when you work so hard to see no results. I know that my eating habits could be considerably better and I am going to try to work on that this week. My exercise probably needs to be pumped up a bit too and I could supplement the gym with some other workout at my house. I have to be honest, I don't want to overdo it and end up in plateau valley again. I have been dangling between 230-240 for a long time now and I really need to get back down and show this weight who is boss!

My title is "Down but not out" because this news of gaining weight really made me sad this morning but instead of crying about it, getting angry, or giving up...I am going to adjust my habits again and find a way to change my life and weight. I have no ability to stay fat any longer. I have places to go and people to see. I don't want to live my life in this fat suit! Please pray for me everyone as this is the hardest thing I have ever set myself to get done. I can do it though, I know I can!

Thanks for listening and here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 18, 2005:

1. I heard yesterday that I had a nice speaking voice. I have never heard that before so I am happy to report it.

2. I am finally to the point where settling on any man except the ONE man...is out of the question. YEAH :)

3. Yesterday I stumbled upon the news that there is 17 registered sex offenders in my area and that made me feel really unsafe.

4. I am not happy with ever being told to do something at the last minute or being disrespected. I need to look into this a little further.

5. In the last year, I have learned a lot about boundaries and I am now realizing how well I am taking care of my needs and my heart.

Thankfulness February 18, 2005:

I am thankful for scrapbooking. It makes me feel good inside and reflect on good memories. It also helps me get my creative energy out even though I am not terribly artistic. It makes me be able to find one more thing that I like about myself and gives me a chance to be alone and really enjoy it. Scapbooking is tons of fun for me and I am excited about giving this hobbie all of me and pouring myself into the pages of this book. I am excited to show all of you my new creation! :)

~Shalom~

Scrapbooking is therapeutic and healthy

Happy Friday to you! It's so exciting when Friday gets here and I am able to think about all of the things I want to do on the weekend to relax. I love that! Today, I made a trip to Jo-ann fabrics and Office Depot to grab some new scrapbooking items. That is my new hobbie that I came up with for this year. I am working on my scrapbook. I decided to start a scrapbook that would begin at my college graduation and would continue on through my adulthood. I think a lot of times in my life, I have been known to stare into the past and weep about things lost. I have decided that is completely unhealthy and I started this scrapbook at the happiest day of my life, my college graduation.

This scrapbook already has several pages in it. It has college graduation, trip up north with Joel, my birthday, trip to san fran with Joel, moving to the beach, and will contain one page for each of my really close friends. So far I have only done Josh's page. Not because he is more important than the rest of you but I found soccer stuff for the scrapbook and couldn't pass it up. I am also planning to do every trip I go on or memorable thing. I still need to do my colorado page and a few others but it's so much fun. Today I picked up lots of quotes, card stock, props, etc...and I am so excited about using my limited creativity to make my scrapbook better.

I have decided that this scrapbook is going to be a part of my healing process over the next year. It shows me how grateful I should be for the people in my life and helps me to dwell on happy times. It helps me to get out my creative energy even though I have no artistic talent. I am telling you people, you don't need artistic talent for scrapbooking, just need memories. It makes me want to take pictures at every turn in life and soak up moments that matter. I am hoping I will carry this hobbie on and use it to relax and enjoy myself. I think it is fun to imagine my new pages when I find the man I want to be with, get married, go on my honeymoon, get my first apartment out here, have a child, etc...I am excited more about all of those things because they fit into my hobbie!

If any of you actually do scrapbook, you know exactly what I am talking about. I am basically doing mine in the format of being adultlike and classic. I am not putting receipts, ticket stubs, cards, letters, etc...but only photos and little props to help me remember. I use vellum words that you rub on that are quotes, pewter tiles that say special phrases, etc. If anyone knows any great places to get scrapbooking stuff, please let me know. I am having so much fun with this!

One of my hugest goals this year was to find myself. Really find out who I am, what I enjoy, and what I am made of. I had always been terribly afraid of being alone before this year. I have been using my alone time for things that I enjoy such as reading, listening to books on cd, watching my favorite shows (Starting over, Dr. Phil, and Desperate Housewives), scrapbooking, organizing, and setting and making goals. I am having a lot of fun learning about Erica. I am becoming my own best friend. That is a great feeling!

Well, the subgoals are being reevaluated and I was thinking maybe I went too fast. I work on a very behavior mod type schedule. I am the type of person that must develop even the simplest habit due to my excessive laziness. This goes for how I learned to brush my teeth when I needed to, showering, etc... I know that sounds crazy but in my house there was no healthy parenting to tell me what to do. I have learned a lot of my regular adult habits by teaching myself. This is going to be true of my spiritual disciplines, my exercise habits, my eating habits, my emotional healing, and my advancement on my dreams. I know that I will have to whip myself into shape. Next week is going to be a big week for trying a new strategy. I have to figure out what that is during the weekend.

Please say a prayer for me if you think about it because tomorrow is weigh in and I really want to lose at least a pound this week. I maintained last week and I really just want some more weight off. I worked out every day this week which is huge for me. Today I did the treadmill and worked out my upper body. I need some muscles yo!

Anyway, here is my learning and thankfulness for yesterday. Have a beautiful weekend ya'll and God bless you!

Learning February 17, 2005:

1. A birthday is a huge deal for a child and we should all remember that.

2. If Pizza hut sends you a pizza with the wrong toppings, you get a pizza for free. :)

3. Cakes are expensive.

4. Being a parent really does take more than sleeping with someone of the opposite sex!

5. I have heard a lot lately that I have a beautiful smile and I am going to start believing it.

Thankfulness February 17, 2005:

Yesterday out of nowhere I heard from an old friend. He was a boyfriend in grade school and we continued to be very good friends all the way through high school. He was one of my favorite guys and really made me laugh and smile. His name is Mike Neves. He gave me a call yesterday on my cell phone and surprised the heck out of me. It was so nice to talk with him and catch up and hear what was new for him. He is a treasure and I am so happy that we got to talk. Thank you God for old friends and new surprises. Thanks Mike for the call, it was awesome!

~Shalom~

Happy Birthday To Christopher!

Today is officially Christopher's 12th Birthday! Wow, my little boy is growing up! *sniffles* :) So let me tell you how there is nothing I hate more than adults who can't grow up. This morning I had an argument with a person that I have to have close contact with in my life who needs an attitude adjustment. She is such a horrible, difficult creature that it is unreal. I find that it takes more to get a drivers license in this country than to have children.

I am going to get on my soap box for just one minute and talk about parenting. Now I know that I can't say much because I am not a parent but I feel like I have some say in this because for all intensive purposes, I raise a child from Monday through Thursday. Most if not all of you know I am a live in nanny for a (TODAY) 12 year old boy. He is the apple of my eye. I adore Chris and all of the challenges and growing experiences that he brings. Along with Chris comes much responsibility and much heartache and more worry than I have ever known.

So, today I choose to write a few parenting things that I think are important in the span of raising a child. I was a child once and find my own scars in this too. I know that my knowledge will not be in a parenting book or even make any of you think "Man, she knows about parenting" but it's things I notice when dealing with Chris in a non-parenting mode. Here are my ten insights for today on parenting:

• Always know the kids in your child's class. They care about this and expect you to remember that Jeff is the cool mexican kid who can do the moonwalk.


• Play video games with your little boy. You hate them while he loves them. Show him you care about his desires and his interests.


• Fix your child's favorite meal once in a while. They feel special, even if it is as simple as hot dogs and mac & cheese


• Laugh while doing homework. Don't be all business. There is nothing sweeter than a laugh that makes you both fall in the floor while doing the book report


• Never make your child feel guilty for giving them the necessities of life. They should be able to count on you for anything and know that mom/dad is their best advocate in the world


• Support your child's extracirricular activities by going to watch, asking about them, helping them practice etc...you should know as much as they do!


• Laugh at your child's jokes. It fosters a lot of self-esteem. My mom always laughed at me and look at me! :)


• Bring cupcakes to their class when it's their birthday. (This should not happen in high school) It makes them the star for the day!


• Read to your child and while you are reading, don't be afraid to cuddle up. Chris loves this cuddle time for just him and I and he is a 12 year old boy. Kids still need affection.


• Compliment your child's appearance like "Your hair looks cool today" or something like that. They need to know they are attractive even early on.


• Do not use curse words on your child. These are toxic to a child and can really damage them later on.


• Never allow your children hear you talk bad about the other parent. This is dangerous to everything a child is. It's silly and immature. GROW UP ALREADY

Ok, those are my parenting tips. I hope they help. Anyway, my sub-goals are going ok for today but not perfect. Today has been taken up by having the handy man here to fix a few things. I hate this because are constantly answering questions, trying to check in on things, and still get things done. It's crazy!

Anyway, here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 16, 2005:

1. Dating isn't really the highest priority in my life right now but man it captivates my thoughts a lot.

2. I love alone time now. Thanks to Joel, I have learned how to be alone gracefully.

3. There is nothing better than scrapbooking to me right now. My scrapbook is the best!

4. I have been exhausted lately and I don't know why. I need to figure that out.

5. Richard and I make a great parenting team!!!

Thankfulness February 16, 2005:

I am thankful that I had a talk with my friend Ryan yesterday. Ryan is originally from Indiana like myself and lives out here now in Long Beach. It's always good to talk to a fellow Hoosier who understands what it is like to wake up in the morning and think "Why am I here?" It's the hardest thing I have ever done. Moving away is hard and teaches you so much but it presents its own set of challenges as well. TOUGH STUFF! Either way, I am happy I have Ryan as a sounding board. He is a precious thing to me and I am praying for the best over his life. Thank you Ryan and thank you God..for bringing Ryan.

~Shalom~

Erica's Memoirs

Isn't memoirs a funny word? I think it's funny. It's strange how people write books just going over their thoughts and I do it every day. I have been considering actually writing a book about what I am going through on the whole, but who would read it? Would all of you who read my blog, read my book? I don't know! I think a lot less people read than before. I don't know when BEFORE is but I know less people read today! I noticed this week that I read a lot. I read books for fun, books to learn, books on cd, etc... I just love literature as a whole.

I am not doing so well people. I am not sad, depressed, anxious, nervous, hurt, etc...but I can't put my finger on what I am. Usually, I can come up with some fancy word to describe my innermost feelings. Today, I am having a hard time doing it. I feel content with where I am in life but overwhelmingly ready to change it. I feel tired and exhausted but extremely energetic about some things. I feel sad about being alone but extremely grateful for being alone. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but it's odd. See, if I was writing my memoirs, you might have put down the book right there.

My sub-goals idea was really great for the first couple of days but I noticed I have been slacking. Yesterday I only accomplished 2 of the 4 goals. That isn't good when you only have 4 goals a day. I need to figure out what it is going to take for me to really get things done in life. Most people see me as really driven and focused and successful because I have a great job, a college degree, and some sort of mental health on the rise. I am everything that is opposite of that. I have the nature of a sloth. I like to lay in my undies and read books and eat cookies. Chocolate chip cookies if you got em!

I like to eat fried chicken and mashed potatoes and then take a 3 hour nap only to wake up and eat it again. I am not the health buff that I am living my life to be. I am not the energetic person that gets up in the morning and goes to the gym for an hour. I am living this life because it is the only good life for me to live, but it doesn't come natural. Isn't it funny that not only in our life do we have a sin nature that makes obeying God difficult but we also have a lazy nature that makes living a healthy and productive life completely unnatural. I was thinking about this today as I wrote someone an email and told them "the story." Most of you know the story I am talking about. The story of the day when I realized my weight was out of control.

There was such a time where I woke up and realized I was dying of being obese. Today, I am not dying. I am getting better. I am still morbidly obese and over 100 lbs overweight. I still have health problems that are contributed to my over zealous eating habits from the past. I still have the desire deep within me to consume mass quanities of fried and/or sugary food. I still want to lay in my undies (and do quite often) reading a book and eating cookies. I still want to do NOTHING with my life but have mashed potatoes spooned into my mouth by a really attractive man. I don't know...my nature is that of a giant loser! At least I know it, right?

Isn't it funny that if we really got serious and told on ourselves for our habits and actual desires, we would not like who we are. We must embrace this people! I have figured out that to truly change the parts of you...you don't like...you have to know about them and accept them. I accept with every fiber of my being that I am a total fatty loser. I also accept that God has taken me outside of myself and taught me new skills and everyday by my own character and virtue and God's strength, I beat that old girl up! Gosh, nothing comes naturally!

Ok, so yesterday my goals didn't go as planned so today, I write down my goals in the hopes of me actually achieving them. Here they are:

1. Pray 30 minutes, read 1 chapter of gospels, no profanity all day (yes, before you ask, this is a problem I have..accept it)

2. Write a journal entry about the things I like about my dad (a tough one as I barely know him as of right now)

3. Work out 45 minutes on treadmill and do something else at the gym : already did this one today. I did the treadmill and then spent 2 miles on the stationary bike. I love that thing!

4. Read one chapter of book "Authentic Happiness"

Ok, I must share this great experience that happened at the gym this morning because it started my thinking on these things. I was working out on the treadmill as always and ...as always...this hottie Mexican guy who cleans the treadmills came over and cleaned my treadmill while I was on it. I was like "Woh, Paco, I think you are supposed to wait until I am off." I didn't say this, just thought it. So then he smiles (like everyday) and winks at me and I smile back thinking "Is this Indiana Hoosier's shirt really that hot?" (SHOUT OUT TO MY INDIANA HOMIES)

So anyway, he makes me feel good about myself so I continue my walk listening to Ellen's new book. I then decide the stationary bike is my next goal when I get off this blasted treadmill. I walk over the bike area and notice that they are surprisingly cleared out this morning. I am happy about this and pick the bike exactly where the fan hits. I then pump my own personal bike fan up to high and start to pedal my way to nowhere. Just then a cute (but white) 24 fitness guy comes over and he is a personal trainer. He walks by, makes eye contact with me and says nicely "I see a difference." I say "What?" and he repeats but adds a little..."I see a difference since you first came in, you're looking good" Again, this Indiana shirt is my ticket to hotties!

I start to feel good and the guy begins to ask me "fitness questions" like what are your goals and how far have you gotten. I share with him how I have shed a mere 100 lbs and he gasps and says..wow, great job! I then realize, YEAH IT IS! So this other random guy on bike in front of me starts talking about how I am to be revered and respected for how far I have come and how dedicated I am. I think to myself "Self, (shirley) you are as lazy as the rest of the world and you have done it..give yourself a pat on the back"

I finish my stint on the bike and decide it's time to go home and get to work on other goals. I say goodbye to my new friend on the bike, wink at my hottie Mexican who is emptying the trash can and talk briefly to my new personal trainer guy ...in whom I have forgotten his name. I can't ever remember a white guy! Hmmm...

Anyway, that's it. I am done. I have typed enough. My wrists hurt...I am shutting up..NOW Learning and thankfulness ahead:

Learning February 15, 2005:

1. Karate moves are a lot like dancing and require rhythm and percision. They are cool.

2. I think I need to take Karate in order to learn some discipline and structure.

3. I am falling to sleep at about 10:00 nowadays so I am either 85 or 5..not sure which.

4. I love payday!

5. Chris is learning to be more grateful and affirm people and I am proud of me teaching him that!

Thankfulness February 15, 2005:

I am thankful for noticing my mistakes and being smart enough to move on from them. Although I am not the perfect person, I do notice when I have messed up. I am hoping although I still posess all the makings of a loser, that I outgrow it by pure determination to not be one. Thank you God for my drive to quit being lazy and thank you Erica for acknowleding your failures (talking to self here...must stop drinking)

This is a funny post today, hope you laughed a little

~Shalom~

A healthy and happy life

Happy Tuesday everyone. I hope and trust that all of your V-days were excellent and there was much love exchanged. My V-day went so well I can hardly believe it. I was terribly loved and appreciated and overly happy about my life and where it is. The title of today's blog is "a healthy and happy life" because I realized today that I am headed to that. I will not pretend that I am entirely healthy or even entirely happy yet but I am working toward that every single day. My V-day started like every other day with preparing breakfast for Christopher and getting him off to school. I had made a special lunch for his v-day picnic at school and gently reminded him to give out his valentines..even to the kids he wasn't sure about. (It's funny how kids think)

After the drop off, I headed to my new favorite place, 24 hour fitness. I saw my favorite gym guy and went ahead and started my workout on the stationary bike. I did 2 miles and then headed to the treadmill for my normal 45 minutes. I decided to read a book by Ann Rule on the treadmill yesterday and it is disturbing but entertaining nonetheless. After my workout I headed home to work on my other goals. I blogged, journaled, checked and returned emails, did a little work on my web-page etc...until the flower guys came. I got flowers yesterday and felt very special upon receiving them!

I then worked on my other goals like following up on jobs, looking into South Coast Children's Society, and praying. I spent time in prayer and felt very good about the way my relationship with God is moving. Yesterday I didn't complete all of my sub-goals and I figured that would start to happen and I would have to fess up on the blog. Yesterday I did pray for 30 minutes, however did not read my Bible. I did work out as charted, did journal about my mom, and looked into South Coast Children's Society. I have to go into their office today to apply for a job so that is my afternoon goal today to finish that goal. Here are my sub-goals for today and my progress thus far:

1. Pray 30 minutes and read 2 chapters of the gospels (to make up for yesterday): not done anything on this goal yet.

2. Journal about hurtful things that have happened with my mom: I always journal right after blogging.

3. Work out 45 minutes on treadmill and try something new at the gym: I did my 45 minutes and listened to a book on cd while I walked. I am listening to Ellen Degenres' book which so far is really funny. I also worked out my arms with dumbell moves today and felt silly for the first time but also very happy because my upper body needs a workout.

4. Apply to South Coast Children's Society: going to do this after I get my shower this afternoon.

Anyway, I worked in the afternoon with Chris on homework after Karate, fixed dinner (barbecued chicken for the boys for v-day), and read with Chris to end work. I then got a call from one of my favorite girl-friends, Hannah. I love Hannah so much and she is one of the easiest friendships with a female I have ever had. I adore her and thank God so much for her. I also got a call from one of my guy friends, Ryan. He is a fairly new guy friend but one I cherish and I am getting to know more each day. We decided we are going to hang out on Friday night so I am pumped about that. I also talked to my mom briefly and then got a call from another guy friend, Jason. Jason is a bit more difficult because I am highly attracted to him physically so being that I am Erica, I have to be so guarded with him. Hopefully we will be able to get past this and develop a really deep and intimate friendship. Who knows!

Basically, I was blessed with a lot of interaction with great friends yesterday, a great day of accomplishment and movement on goals and dreams. I was very happy to report that the day left me feeling motivated, grateful, and no regret. Thank God!

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday as well as another picture of someone I love very much!

Learning February 14, 2005:

1. Valentines Day is just a day and there are ways to ignore the aspect of romantic love and focus on people that you love with a pure heart!

2. A year after a huge decision feels good when you know you made the right one.

3. Friends are the greatest gift that God has given me in my life.

4. I am building really healthy female relationships and I am so proud of myself.

5. I love my Hannah a ton and I am looking forward to seeing her more often.

Thankfulness February 14, 2005:

I am mostly thankful that God has gotten me through the last year without buckling. I had the power to really mess up my decision and do things that would cost me a great deal in my heart. As true as it is that things have changed in the last year and I have done things I shouldn't have, I have also really overcame a tough break-up. I move toward more and more healing every single day and learn more about what God wants for me. I am thankful for 6 years with someone who adored me and cared for me but more importantly, I am thankful for a clean termination of that same relationship. Thank you Adolfo for the many beautiful and challenging years and Thank you God for my release!

Here is a pic of the love of my life, my little sis Britt! Enjoy her new tongue ring!



~Shalom~

The first cut is the deepest!

Today is supposed to be a difficult day for me. Adolfo and I have been broken up for a year today. I left him in the darkness of his car after finding out he didn't do ANYTHING for me for Valentines Day last year. It was the last straw for me and I calmly took my engagement ring off, put it into his hand, and got out of the car and out of his life, forever! It was a hard moment and one I never thought I would have the strength for, but I did it! We were very unhappy for a long time and I am in a celebratory mood today in that I feel stronger than I ever have. I am supposed to be weeping and being sad but overall, I forgot until I was on my drive back from the gym and the song "The first cut is the deepest" by Sheryl Crowe came on the radio. I immediately thought of Adolfo and how that cut, is healing day by day! I am happy about this and so amazed at God's goodness.

Last night I had the coolest experience. Richard went yesterday to see his mom in Torrance and was gone until about 10 at night. When he came home, he had exciting news. He bought a brand new Porsche. It is magnificent. It goes 180 mph and it goes from 0 to 60 in only 3.5 seconds. It's absolutely amazing. It is a gorgeous vehicle also. He was very excited. Before anyone wonders...he didn't sell the escalade. He kept both! So anyway, Christopher went back to bad after the exciting news and we (Richard and I) went for a little spin in the new wheels. We got up to 100 mph and I was so excited. There is a natural high that happens when you go that fast. One of my friends would have totally enjoyed it! :) Overall, I am excited because at only 24 years old, I was able to cruise around in a brand new porsche. That is sweet! I live in the same house that it does :) ha ha ...ok you all know I am a car girl so this is the biggest news for a while.

Anyay, Happy Valentines Day to everyone out here reading this. I am not really observing the "holiday" in any special way. I love my friends and my family and that is all I am saying. I have one man in my heart romantically but many men (my boys) in my heart friendship wise. I thought today I would put some pictures in my blog to honor my best guy friends and let them know how much I love them! If there was any way that I could marry the perfect man...it would be a combination of you three. Here are my boys, below:






By the way, if you aren't aware (in order) that is Joel and me, Jarrid and me, and Josh and me! I love you boys!

Anyway, yesterday I ended up meeting all of my sub-goals and learned things I liked about me. I also started reading the book Jarrid got me for Christmas called "Christian Counseling" and it is going to be very interesting. I also read Matthew 2 in the gospels and I am trying to see the character of Jesus more completely. Here are my sub-goals for today and the status on them:

1. Pray at least 30 minutes and read one chapter of the gospels : Haven't done either of these things yet.

2. Journal things that I like about my mom: I am doing this one right after I blog.

3. Work out 45 minutes on treadmill and try something new at the gym: I went to the gym this morning and did my 45 minutes and I also did 2 miles on the stationary bike. I am trying to get more comfortable with the gym atmosphere.

4. Look into South Coast Children's Society and find out how to apply. Apply if able: Have not done yet but planning to do after journaling.

Anyway, things are really great here and I wanted to put a short note on here also thanking my friends for being there for V-day. I appreciate your heart and your love for me. I would not know what to do without all of you. Special love to Carrie! Thank you so much sweety!

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 13, 2005:

1. A porsche is a sweet ride and it's my ultimate car goal! :)

2. Richard deserves all of the luxuries that he has and I support him in that!

3. Christopher learned a big lesson yesterday and for that matter, so did I.

4. Everyday that I accomplish something, I feel better so goals are a good thing.

5. The value of naps can never be underestimated.

Thankfulness February 13. 2005:

I am thankful for a call I got yesterday morning before Joel left for Hawaii. I am thankful that he thought of me and gave me a call. I am thankful that he loves me and supports me in my life. I am thankful that I even get the privelage of sharing life with this beautiful man. I am thankful that he is getting to get away and enjoy Hawaii for a bit and enjoy his family. I am most thankful that God allowed me that small time to talk with him and the lifting of my heart that it did. Thank you Jesus and thank you Joel :)

I am also thankful for riding in the porsche! :)

~Shalom~

The gift of being your self :)

Yesterday, one of my goals was to finish a book that I borrowed from Claudia. It was called "The gift of being yourself" by David Benner. I read a great deal of it while I was on the treadmill in the morning and finished it last night. I learned so much. I loved the quote in the book that said (paraphrased) "In order to love yourself, you must love God, and in order to love God, you must love yourself" That is so true. I have found that if I am not ok with me, I am not ok with God and vise versa. It's amazing how powerful it is to know yourself and your humanness and not hate yourself. There are ways, I assure you.

I know that we are supposed to crucify ourselves to our sinfulness but like the book says, we have to first know that sinfulness. I have recently became very aware of my own mortality and sinfulness. I live a life that is depraved. I do a lot of things that I am not proud of and learn very much from my mistakes. It's the classic example of a Bible figure. I love my God so much and long to obey him but it's the same story.."I do what I don't want to do." There is a very huge sin nature on this planet and it's alive and well.

I am currently learning so much about myself and my God that I can barely contain all of the information that I am currently processing. Either way, I am excited about learning more about God and more about Erica in the process. This world is a very lonely and scary place as a Christian but this I can tell you...it can be a great experience if we will make the most out of it and allow God to use us in everything.

Yesterday I achieved all of my sub-goals and had a very productive day and also a very restful day. After another full week of sub-goals, I am going to add a category of "Self Care" to them in order to maintain a relaxing life and a pleasurable place. Here are my sub-goals for today and my progress on them:

1. Read 1 chapter of a gospel book (matthew, mark, luke, or john) :not done yet...after this
2. Write journal entry stating 20 things I like about me (really like): right after this
3. Work out for 45 minutes at the gym: Did this at 11:00 this morning
4. Read one chapter of new book "Christian Counseling" --later tonight

Anyway, haven't moved a whole lot on my goals but going to journal right after my blog today. I hope you are all doing well. I am doing really well and finding happiness in small things lately. Today I was awarded by God a great moment this morning and to be honest, I felt God's love in it. I knew that he did it to encourage me and strengthen me.

Please be in prayer for Joel as he and his family left for Hawaii today. Please pray for safety in his travels and of course because it must be miserable to be in Hawaii :) Also, please keep praying for me in my search for a second job as I am very nervous about being out of work entirely for a whole week. I am very uneasy. I appreciate your continued prayers and will be praying for all of you as well. Send me an email or give me a call if we haven't talked. Have a great new week and here is my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 12, 2005:

1. I can be self-controlled if only I really work hard on it and recognize my weaknesses.

2. I am very caught up in one of my sins and I have to work harder to get away from it than any other.

3. My perfectionistic tendencies come from my family...for sure.

4. I am a very deceitful person and although I am ashamed of that, I embrace it as I know God loves me anyway and can only work with it when I accept it as who I am.

5. I love the idea of Valentine's day even if it's a hard day for me this year! :)

Thankfulness February 12, 2005:

I am thankful for a really productive conversation that I had with my mom. We talked about unhealthy behaviors, changing habits, behavior mod, and several other things of value. We talked about her and my need to get healthy and have hobbies of our own. We talked about our perfectionistic tendencies and how to overcome them and embrace happiness and basically had a great talk. I am very thankful for the open door to discuss things that are struggles of mine. Thank you Mom and thank you Jesus!

~Shalom~

perspective -- the changing of one's view

In my life lately, my perspective has really changed. I have spent a lot of time lately just thinking about things and how I feel inside. I have written out thoughts, feelings, motives, goals, achievements, etc...and found myself in more ways than one! I am trying really hard to learn the authentic me. That means I have had to wade through a lot of crap to get to the things about me that are true. I started the other night with a sheet of paper that was completely blank and wrote the word "truth" on the top of it. I began to write truths. I have a lot of lies in my life as most humans do. The lies that I have told others, the ones I have told myself, the ones others have told me, etc..and it's time to get truthful. Now there is no way to reverse all of the lies in my life and go back and tell everyone the truth but there is a way to start over and start being truthful. I know that requires a little bit of sacrifice on my part but anything worth doing, requires sacrifice (so my mom says!)

I have decided to start living an authentic life in every way. I have been working on my sub-goals very hard and meeting them daily. Yesterday I met all 4 goals and ended up spending some of my night reading into positive psychology. It's an interesting area and I am going to be reading an entire book on it. I like the idea of someone actually writing about happiness for once instead of saddness in psychology. Overall yesterday was a very fruitful day and I learned much.

Here are my sub-goals for the day:

1. Pray at least 30 minutes
2. Journal over the things I don't miss about Adolfo
3. Work out for 45 minutes at the gym and weigh in
4. Read Benner book that claudia loaned me in it's entirety (short book)

Ok, so I have already prayed and weighed in this morning as it's only 9:40 am. I am going after this to the gym to work out and will be also journaling this morning. I am moving on my goals and it's not even noon. My prayer time went really well and I felt like I reached a new level in intercession this morning with a certain person. It was nice. Also, I weighed in this morning at 238 which is maintaining for me. I need to get my butt in gear and lose those pounds. I have a goal of 35 lbs lost by the end of May and I have only lost 2 of them. I am supposed to weigh 205 when I get home to see my sister graduate. BIG GOAL...I can do it if I just stick to it!!!

Ok, so that is my day and the things that are going on with me. No word on a second job yet. I am going to look into two more places next week. Please pray for me as Christopher is off school from Feb. 21-Feb 25 and that means we don't have him. This eliminates a great deal of income for me! I need a second job like I need oxygen but I am trusting that God will be my provision. Thank you Jesus for your continued support for me! :)

Here are my learning and thankfulness for yesterday:

Learning February 11, 2005:

1. I love the show starting over and I really would love to be a therapist that works with a show like that.

2. I am not settling for a job outside of the psych field. I want to be passionate about my second job the way I am about Chris.

3. I made a lot of money this pay period and I think Richard is making me more jobs to do to take care of me, what a nice man!

4. Hilliary should never add cough medicine to a sleeping aid. She starts to hallucinate (8:09...britt was not in bed)

5. I can go to Richard even with things that scare me and he will be level headed.

Thankfulness February 11, 2005:

I am thankful that Richard took me seriously when I presented a very scary situation to him. I am thankful that he is rational and level headed. I am thankful that he knows how to talk to people and be a problem solver. He is very together and has a great outlook on life and parentning. I am so thankful that he loves Chris with all that he has and works hard to raise him right and protect him properly. Thank you Richard and thank you God! :)

~Shalom~