Come to me..all who are weary

For some time I have been completely weary. I have been tired of trying to change myself, work on things, fight broken relationships, health, etc... I have just been WEARY. Well, I came to the point where I could no longer handle my own life and decided to take God's advice and come to him..since I was weary.

I have started relying on His power, His strength, and His virtue..since mine always fall short. I am excited about the new developments in my life and I am looking forward to all that God has for me to be.

Updates: I joined a small group today and I am very excited about that. I am getting involved in children's ministries, women's ministries, and serving opportunities. I have a new counselor that I am starting with soon and that should be good. I also am trying to plan for the upcoming holidays and work on finances. Mainly life is good because I am taking it one breath at a time.

Have a great day and I am praying for you all!

~Erica~

Children and what I can learn from them.

Today I had a meeting with Gabe, the man at my church that heads up children's ministries. It was a very nice meeting and I found out that the church (one of them) that I have been attending is very good about leading children to the right place. Upon that acknowledgment, I have decided to give of my time on Sunday mornings to serve the children at the church. I am going to be working within the 1st grade class (this is my favorite age).

This is a project that has many facets that will really lead me to where I need to be. First of all, I will be learning with them since I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I think a lot of these lessons are things that people assume that I know since I am 25 years old but I just don't know the character of God the way it is taught in Sunday School. I wasn't raised in that environment at all. As a matter of fact, my mom was a practicing Satanist for 10 full years of my life. She isn't now and is actually a believer and that is a good thing.

The second reason for Children's ministries is that I have a pull on my heart for children. I have recently realized that one of my largest dreams is to be a mama. I of course want to be a mom when I am love with a man who will be the father. I want to be a mom when I can properly care for a child (financially and emotionally). I am not in any rush but it is one of my nearest and dearest dreams. This means that I get to invest in the life of children and speak truth to them that will literally revolutionize their lives.

The third reason I want to do Children's ministries is quite simple really. I need to keep my head out of my sin life. I have a very real and pervasive sin life. I have a hard time keeping away from it unless I am otherwise occupied in things that cannot co-exist with it. I can't tell children on Sunday morning to honor God, respect Him, obey Him, and treat themselves with respect if I don't do it Monday through Saturday. I AM NOT a hypocrite so therefore..I must change my tune to do this ministry.

I am getting very excited about the many areas that God is taking me into and how much I am growing into the woman I SO want to be. I appreciate your prayers and continually pray for all of you. Please continue to pray about this sin area as well as the new places God is taking me. If you could also lift my friend Jarrid up in prayer that would be great...he is getting married in about a month and needs some things to fall into place. Also my friend Heather is getting married in October and also needs some details to fall into place, please lift she and Jason up in prayer. Also, congratulations to Nick and Merry Pridemore (dear friends) as they just welcomed their first child into the world. Welcome Little Calvin!

Have a great day everyone and thanks for stopping in!

~Erica~

I never even noticed...

I never even noticed how bombarded we are by immoral behavior everywhere we turn. I am talking about billboards, tv, movies, music, and even today as I drove my car by the back bay...a woman almost completely naked..running. Now I know it's hot here in Southern Cali but come on people...wear some clothes. I am not saying that tv, movies, or music are immoral in and of themselves but some of the things we watch and listen to..oh my gosh. I am guilty of this as well. I have been known to purchase quite a bit of music that I would NEVER let my children listen to.

I was thinking about my sin life and how much of a struggle it is and what kinds of things I might be doing to "feed" it. My music, movies, and tv came immediately to my head. I put so much junk into my head...what else could possibly come out of me?! I have decided to only put in, what I wish to come out of me. I think that is a great way to live in general. I am only holding myself to this so no worries that I am watching what you are doing all the time...just me!

I need prayer people...please pray!

~Erica~

I need to talk.

So my title tonight is "I need to talk" because I really do need to. There is something in my life that has literally shook me to the core. Everyone that ventures onto my blog probably has a sin in their life (if you are Christian, you acknowledge these as such) that really permeates your being. Everyone probably finds their sin life rather embarassing, private, and completely sacred to you. You might step out in faith and confess to some people in your life but my guess is..they get a censored version. I am not going to get on the internet and post my deepest, darkest sin life and expect it to be some clarifying, wonderful experience. I think that would not only be really awful for me, but rather unsafe as well. I am going to write about this sin life though and how it has ransacked me and left me stranded.

There is a moment in time where you realize that something is not right. There is a line in (lyrical genius) John Mayer's "Why Georgia" that says "Am I living it right?" That is a question that I had to come to on Saturday of this past week. I am going to mark that day as a transforming day. Something horrific went down in my sin life and I learned quite possibly the largest lesson that I have ever learned while here on planet Earth. My sin life actually came out to the surface and showed its despicable face. I was tormented by it and completely taunted as it ran circles around me and had a sing-song voice saying "we finally have you for good" over and over. It's not a funny scene although it may sound like it.

For years (11 + to be exact) I have danced with this sin, romanced it, honored it, justified it, and married it. It is now time for a divorce. I am claiming irreconciliable differences. My God (Jesus Christ) lives inside of me and so does this sin. They are having a hard time living in the same house and the stronger tenant (J.C.) has started working on evicting the other one. Someone is getting voted off of this island and it certainly won't be the God of the universe. It's time for me to live for one God and one God only.

It's always easier to get a clear picture when you aren't in the middle of the painting yourself. I took a moment on Sunday (the day of reckoning) to really step outside of myself and hear my friend confront my sin. Because the sin had become evident in me on Saturday, I had to be honest and forthright and completely vulnerable to someone I think is the most godly man I know. I heard him loud and clear and chose that day..whom I would serve!

Today is Tuesday and it's not easy to start your week thinking about the radical changes that have to take place in a life of disease and destitution in order to find health. Sunday was easy to play because I felt so horrible, it wasn't even an option to delve into this sin. Monday was about the same because guilt and shame have a long shelf life. Today is a new day and my sin is rearing its ugly head again and seeing if I will pay attention to it. Well, I am not. I have decided to make steps to beat this sin with God's help and support and well...let's be honest...He'll have to do it!

I have started by writing up a contract with me and God and a friend. It's a list of guidelines that will help keep me on the path to healing. I have also chosen to start working with memory verses so that I am armed in this battle. I have went to this battle not only weaponless but completely naked! (I am not even kidding) It's time to take my weapons and walk on. I am not going to go to the enemy's camp however and dance in front of the door and say "You can't get me!" That's ignorance so this plan is going to make sure that I am as far away from this sin as I can get!

In saying all of this, I hope that you all take a step back today and confront that monster that is stealing from you, changing you, and deciding your fate. Take your power back through the big J.C. Below is my weekly memory verse..which I already memorized! :)

1 Cor. 10:13

No Temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with that temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

I will find victory in this through HIM! Please be praying and again, call me if you feel led to discuss this further. I could use all of the support I can get. Have a great day!

~Erica~

Cleaning up

Doesn't it feel great to have a clean house? I love walking into my room and seeing my bed made, every picture frame in place, no stacks of things around, and the vacuum marks still in place on the carpet. Yes, I am a little bit of a neat freak so you would think my life would be cleaned up as well. Well, that's a no. For a while now, approximately 11 years, I have been carrying around this sin life that some people in my life know about and others just assume I have it under control. That is not true. It's pervasive and it seriously stunts every bit of growth in my life. It is ugly and dirty! There is nothing about this that is in order.

I am using this forum to confess my sin (sort of) and tell you that I have made a decision to clean up my life in this area and do anything to get away from this sin. I long to be whole again and stop giving my heart and soul away to it. Please pray with me about this and if you would like to pray with me personally, give me a call. I love you all dearly and hope you are all well.

~Erica~

Creating a new family

Yesterday morning I had a talk with an old friend from Vanguard and really started to speak some things into existence that I hadn't fully realized until that moment. She and I were talking about the loss of family and how it takes more than blood and DNA to make people family. I started to think about what family means to me, what it means in general, and what it looks like. I have been, for some time, searching out a family and a home out of people who do not share my blood or DNA. I have since found that group of people and it continues to grow even today.

When I started this quest of bettering myself and getting to be a healthy woman, I knew I would need help on the journey and be obligated to build a support team. When I chose to do this, I just figured I could go with the support team I already had in motion and be successful. I found out that if you are unhealthy, there is a great chance that the people you are around, are unhealthy as well. The people that were in my life at the beginning of this quest are not here now for the most part. I have an entirely different group of friends and mentors in my life starting in 2001. I made new decisions and stopped allowing people to seek me out, I started to seek them out. I found out that the friends I had in the past were people who needed me and thrived on my unhealthiness as well as I did theirs. It was a world of gossip, drama, confrontation, and pain.

I let go of that world in 2001 by making a huge step to admit to my wrongs, deal with anger appropriately, and start to forgive. Those were the three things that I view as essential to my starting over point. It was hard at first to actually admit to my failures and shortcomings because I was (and am) a very prideful person. I am working on this aspect of myself daily by allowing myself to NOT be perfect. I have found that I need to give myself and others more of a grace period in life. It was also very difficult to let go of my normal response to anger. I used to blow up every time something made me the slightest bit upset. I am now a very controlled and calm person when dealing with frustration, shame, embarassment, hurt etc. I learned that anger was a secondary emotion and often times I just needed to figure out what the real emotion I was feeling was.

Family is something I have never really had but have come to understand just recently. This is not to say I was an orphan or anything like that. I have two parents and three sisters. I had all 4 of my grandparents growing up as well. The thing I didn't have was unconditional acceptance, support, and love. In my family's defense, they didn't learn how to love, support, or nurture anyone before this so they only did what they knew. I know that my family did the best that they knew how to do and since then have come to the realization of how messed up our outlook is.

I completely forgive my parents for the things that they chose in my childhood. I forgive my grandparents for raising my parents to be the way they were. I accept that my family is what it is and it won't change. What I wouldn't accept is that I can't have a family at all. I can have a family but it will not consist of actual relatives in my case. It consists of great female mentors that I have met along my path, amazing men of faith that have been great friends to me, and beautiful women who show me everyday what friendship really is. I am lucky enough to have one sister that really is my sister and friend. Britt is the best and I have really been able to hold on to that relationship no matter what.

I just wanted to take some time today to thank all of you who have become my family in some way. Thanks to Pam,Steve, Heather, Markita, Mel, Mary, Alison, Martha, Randy, Jake, Claudia, Doug, Shirley, Carrie, Paul, Riley, Hailey, Jarrid, Josh, Randy, Sheryl, Sherry, Sarah, Joel, Grandma, Gavin, Hannah, Aaron, Caleb, Nathan, Richard, Chris, Sandra, Kevin, Kahlil, Terrence, Steven, and the list goes on. You have all become my mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and mostly friends. I appreciate the family I never had. It's a great family indeed.

~Erica~

Erica's Apologies

First of all, my apologies for being MIA for so long. My little sister got here on August 4th and left last night to go home so I have been super busy and not really accessible. Let me take a few moments to recap her visit, news on me, and then move on with the journey.

Britt's visit was great. It was good to have her around and see her meet my nearest and dearest Cali buddies. She was able to spend a lot of time with Joel and Josh which was my heart's desire. She met a lot of my friends and loved ones and was able to get to know Chris and Richard since she stayed at our house for the full 11 days. We took a ton of pictures and experienced a lot of California things together including but not limited to Hollywood, In-N-Out burger, Downtown Disney, Knotts Berry Farms, etc... I will be posting pictures on my web-site soon. We were able to celebrate my birthday together which was amazing and yes that means I turned 25 while she was here!

Things with me are going well. I feel out of the loop since I have been away from the computer, not doing my normal routine, and haven't really had a moment to record thoughts, feelings, or insights. I did indeed celebrate my 25th birthday on August 9th. I had a little get together at Dave and Busters and then ended the night bowling with my lil' sister and Joel. It was a magical evening and ended up way better than it started. I really felt loved and supported and totally know that my family is not of flesh and blood but rather the ties of friendship!

My weight loss goal has been put on the back burner until now. I am back in the saddle today and hopefully will be on new footing tomorrow morning with my walks. My grad school preparation was also ignored for 11 days so I am back on that today. My goals were basically ignored as I was experiencing a vacation from life. I am now ready and willing to get back in the game. I am a little concerned about a few situations in my life right now and could really use your prayers. My family and I are not doing well (doesn't surprise you huh?) and I really need prayers for the right steps to take. I also have some financial concerns happenings and mostly just really would like to be secure right now. My therapist is also moving away and I am getting transferred from her so that is really sad since there was a real connection between her and I and we were doing good work. I am just needing prayers for the right therapist to come along.

I guess that's all to get you all caught up. I will be posting soon with the next step in my life and how things are going on those steps. I am always working to achieve more and knowing that you all are reading..helps! Have a great day everyone and God bless you!

~Erica~

We teach people how to treat us

Here is a life law that everyone needs to recognize. We teach people how to treat us every single day. If we allow people to treat us with disrespect, we are literally teaching them that lesson. This life law became really important about a week ago. I was very unhappy in a relationship in my life and how things were going. I felt I was being treated poorly but for some reason, couldn't get that person to stop doing it. I could cry all night, pray about it, and perhaps even show my discontent but nothing was changing. I was reading Dr. Phil's book last Monday when it dawned on me that this life law was at work.

I was teaching this person in my life how to treat me. I was teaching them to hurt and neglect me. After talking with this person about the problem and apologizing for my anger and bitterness, I decided to start teaching them how to treat me. Since then, I have learned that it's imperative that you communicate things to people because they love you and want the best for you and wouldn't want to hurt you. Since this talk and my new way of being, I am completely happy in the relationshp and feel very loved. I was just teaching how to treat me. I have to teach new things now!

I would recommend each of you focusing on the relationships today that you aren't happy in and ask yourself if you are teaching that person how to treat you! I love you all very much and keep on keeping on! My birthday is a week from today and I am so excited to have you all in my life this 25th year! Stay tuned for Erica's Birthday quiz...coming up!

~Erica~

Life is Managed, It is Not Cured

Wow, this is one of those life laws that sounds harsh and does not look like good news but I assure you it's imperative to accept. There are times in our life that we just wish we could fix things and not have to deal with them in such a harsh way. Well, I am here to tell you...it doesn't get fixed, just managed. Dr. Phil defintely had his head on when he came up with this one. There is no doubt after all the work I have done over the last 4 years that I am in NO way cured...simply managing my life better.

I think when I first started working on myself that somehow I would wake up one day and not be an overeater, not lie to make myself feel better, not need so much attention, feel good about me, and fully accept my dysfunctional family. Guess what, if I waited for that day, I would be waiting long into my fiber-needing days. I have since learned that anything that is worth changing in your life, takes time and more importantly practice.

I am going to use a great example here that I just talked to one of my mentors about. Take the example of sports. Let's imagine for a second that I want to learn the sport of tennis. (Which I plan on taking lessons for soon) The first thing I would need to do is learn the fundamentals of the sport. Then I would have to practice, practice, practice before I would get good at it. Then after I have practiced and gotten good, I would have to continue practicing for the rest of my life to keep this up. (Note: Dr. Phil is an excellent Tennis player)

This is the same way things go with life. I'll use the example of not having angry outbursts. I know it's hard to believe but this used to be a problem of mine. (ha ha) Well, what I had to do first was learn how to have a proper response to my anger. After that I had to practice using that response as much as possible and I continued to practice until I became good at having positive responses to anger. Now, I still have to PRACTICE it or I will slip right back into angry outbursts. See how this works? I believe that everything in life that you don't know naturally like swallowing or breathing..takes practice. This goes along with Dr. Phil's idea that life is managed, not cured.

I hope you all had some thoughts about this and thought about how you could practice or manage things better. I certainly did! Have a great day and God bless you!

~Erica~

There Is No Reality, Only Perception

Hi there. I hope your weekend has been going well and that you are enjoying learning Dr. Phil's 10 life laws. Today's life law is really important because I think all of us tend to believe that our personal experience is reality. We really believe everything we see, hear, and feel as gospel truth. I am here to tell you that Dr. Phil is right on in saying that there is no reality, only perception. I have learned this the hard way.

I have had to go through the school of hard knocks to know that what I think is real or true, most of the time is just a product of my very distorted thought life. This is especially true when dealing with my friends. A great example is my friend Yogi. Yogi is a fictitious name to protect the innocent. My friend Yogi has a very busy life. He is always working, working out, doing favors, or basically doing anything that doesn't involve me! That sounds harsh, but to me..true. Yogi, I believe, cares very much for our friendship but something always gets in the way of a phone call, text, or friend date between the two of us.

As this is true to me, I always sit and cry about it and feel very neglected. I feel like Yogi doesn't care, avoids me, and possibly doesn't wish to continue a friendship with me. I have learned that this is my perception and I must take steps to find truth, not just Erica's perceptions. I have to go to Yogi and explain my feelings and hear his perceptions or else I could lose Yogi over what might not be reality.

Now, I know that this was hard to follow as you picture me hanging out with a bear and his picnic basket but I assure you that if you think on it, you can attach my example to something in your life. Take the time to realize today that whatever it is that you see, hear, smell, touch, or taste...might just be your perception, not reality!

Have a great rest of the weekend and I love you all dearly!

~Erica~

Life Rewards Actions

The most important part of any goal is not our intention, our strategy, or our focus...it is always our action. If I woke up one day and realized that I was severely overweight and started to think about things my intention would be to lose weight and get healthy. My strategy would be to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and treat my body well. My focus would be on maintaining health. None of those fluffy words makes me lose weight. What makes me either lose or gain weight is my action or lack thereof.

I found this to be true many years ago when starting on my life changing journey. I made a choice to get out of bed each day and work out. I made a choice to eat 3 meals a day that were healthier. I made a choice to stop drinking sugared soda and the list continues. The choices where made and then I acted on them. I did get out of bed and walk 2 miles a day and do 45 minutes of aerobics a day. I did not drink any sugared soda. I did eat 3 healthy meals a day. These ACTIONS made my life change and I eventually lost over 100 lbs. I would not have if all I had done was make choices...I had to ACT on them.

Today I am choosing to act on another choice. I am currently working on preparing for the GRE in order to get into Grad School. I also have 7 applications to fill out for the different grad schools I would like to attend. I also have several essays to write, a resume to create, and several recommendations to ask for in this mess. I have done NONE of this. I have studied at length for 2 weeks but somehow let that go and lost my steam. Today, I am making a decision to stop procrastinating and realize how essential these steps are to my success. I am going to act on these things today by packing them into a backpack and heading to the library for a minimum of 2 hours. I am going to take my applications, my study materials, and will have many resources at my fingertips for writing essays and doing a resume. I am going to ACT on these thoughts, decisions, and choices!

Today, I encourage you to take a good look at what you want, think of a strategy, focus on it, and more than anything DO IT! It's time to act and be successful. People that dream about success continue to dream about it. People who take steps to get there, actually arrive at the scene.

Have a great Saturday everyone and ACT like you want to get things done!

~Erica~

You Can Not Change What You Do Not Acknowledge

Today's life law is so essential to everything I am that it's embarassing. For many years (22 to be exact) I lived my life in a complete state of ignorance. I had no idea that the behaviors and attitudes I held were horrible. I had to have things brought to my attention and truly acknowledge them in order to start changing. For the many years that I have been overweight, most of them were spent in denial. I would just go about my life at 350 lbs and act like I was happy and joyful. I had a boyfriend, friends, good grades, etc...what more did I need? Well, I needed my life back!

The day that I realized that I was in serious trouble health wise (July 27, 2001) I was shocked at the number that was displayed on my bathroom scales. I immediately blamed the number for all of my problems in life and began to lose weight. I acknowledged that day that I was severely morbidly obese and needed to do something about it. That was only a physical realization, the mental/emotional realization came later and I had to acknowledge more things and begin to change those.

In my life of change (4 years now) I have acknowledged a lot of things about myself and only when I acknowledged them, could I change them. Today, I encourage each of you to do an exercise of acknowledgement. Be truthful with yourself about who you are and don't be afraid to realize it. That is when true change begins. Today, I acknowledge that I live in a world of black and white with no room for gray. Since I acknowledge that, I have to take steps more often to try to see the middle ground in things.

I hope that today made you realize things about yourself. Have a great day and even better weekend!

~Erica~

People Do What Works

Today's life law was really hard for me to accept. I really didn't think there was any payoff for some of the things I did since I so badly did not want to do them. A great example of this is overeating. It seemed that all it brought was misery coupled with more weight to lose on my walk to Italy (http://italybound.blogspot.com) Dr. Phil's point in this is that EVERYTHING that you do provides a payoff or you wouldn't be doing it. My payoff for overeating is calmed emotions and easing of boredom. These things are very powerful and have taught me that no matter what I am doing, there IS a reason.

What you do in this life law is write down the top 5 behaviors that you would really like to NOT do. Two of mine were

• Overeating
• Be dishonest to earn people's love

I realize that the second one is kind of deep and for that, I apologize. I will break these down so you can see what I mean by payoff.

Overeating:

My feelings: I hate overeating. It makes me so mad at myself after I do it. I know that I don't need that amount of food but I eat and eat anyway. I always feel sick after I eat too much and it makes me feel guilty inside. I know that when I get on the scales on Saturday I am going to pay for that entire cheesecake but it doesn't stop me. I know that I will have to work extra hard on exercise in order to burn those calories but I ate the entire box of cookies anyway. Why do I do this?

Payoffs: I do this because it makes me feel better. I feel sad at times and it takes me away from my saddness. When I am really lonely, it is a good friend to me. It watches tv with me when I really need a pal. It makes my emptiness feel full at least for a minute. I don't ever feel hungry even if I feel something else emotionally. I am bored so I will go to the kitchen and get something to eat and that will make me entertained.

Being dishonest to earn people's love:

My feelings: Why did I lie to Sally today? I mean, she can either like me or else leave me alone. Why did I tell her that I ALWAYS exercise. She obviously knows I don't or I wouldn't be 100 lbs overweight. Why can't I admit my weakness to her? I don't want to lie to my friends anymore. They should love me because they love me, not because I am flawless. I mean, who is flawless anyway? I don't want to hide anything anymore but something is keeping me from being completely truthful. Why can't I just tell the story I actually live?

Payoffs: I told Sally that I always exercise because it made her proud of me. It made her like me a little more because I am diligent. She realized how seriously I work on myself and admired me. She probably thinks better of me than if I told her that I have to force myself some days to exercise. I feel better knowing that Sally thinks good of me! Whew, it's a good thing I lied to her.

Now, as you can see, these things are disturbing. I do things in my life that I wish I didn't all the time. I never quite understand why I do them at the time but lately I have been breaking them down into payoffs and I assure you, there always is one. I encourage you to take the time to break your life down into 5 behaviors you don't like and find the payoff. Only when you find the payoff can you truly break that cycle because after all, people do what works!

I hope you all have a lovely day and please check out "Erica's Walk to Italy" and help me reach my goal and pray, support, invest, whatever! Thanks my people!

~Erica~

You Create Your Own Experience

Today's life law is so profound yet exactly what I believe to be true about life. The life law is (as stated above) "You create your own experience." This life law is something I lived with far before I ever delved into Dr. Phil's book. I believe that children in abusive homes learn this far earlier than any other person. You have the choice with what to do with your life. You can run from your troubles and drown them in some addiction. You can be a hermit and completely alienate yourself from the real world. You can be bitter and completely stop being functional as a nice person. My personal favorite is that you can kick that abuse's butt and be everything that you dream to be! That is the path I have chosen.

This has not been an easy path for me to take. Somedays I really want to be the recluse, the bitter one, or the addict. I choose to be that person some days. Most days though, I create my own experience and choose to be someone who is in love with their chosen career and focuses on bettering herself every single day. I choose to allow people to speak into my life with truth and fight hard to stay alive beneath the grueling schedule of being a healing person.

I challenge all of you reading this today to really look at how you choose to create your experience. If you tend to give up and cry when things go wrong and just sit and wallow...you created that. If you tend to run from your problems and drown them in a pint of Cherry Garcia..you are not only just like me...you are also creating that yourself. If you choose to get up, brush yourself off and take another step knowing it could hurt you, you are creating that beautiful experience too. I have chosen to start creating my own experience knowingly and create the best one! I am totally in love with this life law!

I hope you are all doing well and have decided to read Dr. Phil's book. It's amazing. I have made some changes to the web-site if you want to check them out. Have a great day and God Bless you!

~Erica~

You Either Get It, or You Don't

Well as I told you, I am going to be writing about Dr. Phil's book "Life Strategies" for a bit since it is changing a lot of my thinking and I make it a point to share everything with my blog. In this book, there are ten life laws and the first one is, "You Either Get It, or You Don't." This is just a simple fact but one people don't realize. There is nothing you can do if you don't know why you do the things you do or why other people do what they do. You always want to operate with the necessary information in your life. There are many people who don't get it, and they are the ones sitting around crying about their life and doing nothing to better themselves. Resolve today that you will be one who will get it.

There is much that I have learned about my life even in the last 4 years. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that my life changed. I chose on July 27, 2001 to be a better person because I finally got it. My life was nothing that I wanted it to be and certainly had no silver lining on the dark rain clouds overhead. I learned that day that I needed to live differently. That is the day that I chose to "Get it." My change began that day and has continued for that last 4 years. It has been a huge battle and has sometimes left me laying on the floor wishing I was relieved of the pain but other days the sheer joy of knowing I am not that same girl..is enough to push me to tomorrow.

I would encourage each of you that read the blog to really take a look and decide to "get it" today. This doesn't mean that you can see all of your flaws, change everything, and move on today. What it means is that you are open to the possiblity of taking a gander inside and learning about you and trying to do everything in your ability to create the life that you want. Dr. Phil has a quote on the beginning of his show that says "I want you to get excited about your life." That is what I want for all of my friends, family, and blog-readers. I want each of you to look at your life and get excited about the possiblities.

I want to be honest with you and say that I am not always excited about all of the things that I have to do to be the person I need to be. It's exhausting and continually discouraging to beat one small battle just to see a new platoon headed toward me in the morning. I know that it can really get you down to take a good look and "get it," but it is far more excruciating to be 10 years down the road regretting the last 520 weeks of your life. Take a moment today to really "get it" and strive to understand yourself, know yourself, and better yourself. The next 9 life laws will be a better ride if you are ready to "get it!"

Today, I get it. I know who I am, why I do what I do, and striving to become all that I need to be. I have decided that the one thing that I am working on right now is honesty/authenticity. I believe that these qualities are crucial to living a fulfilled, happy life. I don't think I will ever have true friends, good relationships, or a good walk with God unless I get honest and authentic with God, myself, and others. I encourage everyone to pick a step to start working on and begin the reformation.

Have a great day everyone and today, choose to get it!

~Erica~

Life Laws in Action

Today is going to start a series of posts where I will be reviewing the book by Dr. Phil called "Life Strategies" in my own way. I am currently reading this book and it's amazing and has already shaped some of my life and behaviors so I thought I would share it with my blog in the hopes that someone who would not normally pick up a Dr. Phil read...might get the lessons out of it. It's amazing how this book is good for all people. I support Dr. Phil in every possible way as I tape his show daily, read his books, and abide by his weight loss plan. Dr. Phil is my hero!

In saying that, you probably realize that this blog series could be exceptionally biased. I am currently on the latter part of the book so a lot of this I have had time to read, study, and journal about so don't assume that I read this and totally got it the first time. I took time and energy to try to apply these things to my life. In this book, there are 10 life laws. Each one is essential on your path to health and wellness in your life. I like that it reads like the commandmants so I can apply it as such.

Today I am not going to write about any of the life laws but ask you to evaluate whether you are happy in your life. Do you wish you could get out of negative patterns and behaviors? If this is you, I encourage you to stop in to the blog for the next 10-12 days as I seek to apply this book to my life and help you apply it to yours. Again, I didn't write these life laws...the beautifully bald and talented Mr. Phil McGraw did and you can purchase "Life Strategies" at any bookstore and PLEASE DO!

I would appreciate your continued prayers as my life is constantly under the microscope and trying to get better. I appreciate your hearts, friendship, and support through one of the roughest periods of my life. Thank you so much for being here!

~Erica~

The newest quest

I really want to know myself! I have no other desire but to truly know myself and fix the things that I don't like. It's such a frustrating journey of trying to turn around several years of bad thought processes and bad behavior. My newest quest is getting to know me and accepting the things that I am and can't change and starting to work on the things that I can. It's like the serenity prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference) That prayer is very popular in the AA program among the other programs that are for addictions. That is for a reason...there are so many people out there who confuse the two (changeable and unchangeable) and then get frustrated as they try to better themselves. I am one of those people.

I have a new project going and you might have gotten an email or call from me asking you for your help. I am gathering data from a number of people in my life so that I can see myself more realistically. Often times I either look fondly upon myself in areas I don't deserve or can not accept the things that are really great about me. I have asked several people in my life (still haven't asked everyone yet) to jot down 5 pieces of constructive criticism for me and 5 things that they admire or like about me. This is going to be an exercise of learning how to take constructive criticism as well as learning to take a compliment and realize things that are good.

I really believe that seeing myself is going to require me to be introspective, opening myself up to other people's wisdom, and really praying about seeing myself. I want to work on things that matter and that are really problems to my well-being and other's well-being. I don't want to worry about things that are an intricate part of my personality and make me Erica. I want to allow myself to be Erica and be comfortable in my own skin.

So far, I have only gotten one person's half answer back so I have several other people to contact for their answers. I appreciate everyone who is helping me or would like to contribute to me working on myself. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you are all doing well and I am sorry if I have been out of the loop, trying hard to get me together. Have a great day and God bless you all!

~Erica~

Indiana Erica vs. California Erica..It's on!

Have you ever felt like you have waged war against yourself? I have for a long time now. Three years ago (almost exactly) I moved to southern California. I was moving out here for a mixture of reasons including that Adolfo was here, Vanguard was here, and a new fresh start was here. I had grown up in the southern portion of Indiana where my whole life had begun and continued until the day I got in my cavie and headed west. I never knew that the move would make such an impact on me. Almost immediately I realized that there was a difference between me and everyone else. I had a very different personality, different accent, and different morals. I find out today, that I was only 1/4 of the person I would soon become.

This blog is in no way trying to degrade Indiana or the people that choose to live there. My entire family is there plus many of my friends and loved ones. I have no problem with the actual state...I just have a problem with the person I was in that state. Today, I went back to therapy after 3 weeks out of it due to my therapist being on vacation and then myself being on vacation. It was great to see her and get to talk about my issues that have been developing or continuing since we last met. Today, my main point was about consistency. I am having a hard time making changes in my life. I have progressed so much in the last 4 years total that I can barely recognize myself ...but for some reason, I am not very consistent with advances.

Lately I have been working on a lot of really hard things in my life including personality flaws, sins, and past hurts. The main four things that are encompassing my life are preparation for Grad School, losing weight, my need for attention, and a major sin that I am not willing to share on my blog just yet. I promise I will share it when I feel comfortable though in order to help you in case you also struggle with this sin. I truly believe that when there is growth, we should share in order to help others around us get out of that place.

My therapist gave me an exercise this week to work on where I compare Indiana Erica and California Erica. This means that I make a page of things that Indiana Erica was like and then write all of the things that California Erica is like so I can see the progress I have made. An example of this would be that Indiana Erica weighed 350 lbs and California Erica weighs 220 lbs now. That is just a small example. Another exercise that she gave me to do was to write all of the things that I don't like about Indiana Erica in order to start working on destroying her. There is nothing wrong with where that Erica came from...just what she was with the tools God gave her!

In doing these exercises, I am hoping to gain some perspective on how hard this journey has been and give myself some grace to continue changing and growing. This growing experience is very frustrating and painful. I slip up quite a bit but I am trying to realize that now that I am knowledgable about where I am...my responsibility is to continue to move. I have no problem with the fact that this part of my journey is going to be difficult..but I am scared that the other side of it isn't easier or happier but rather...more struggle. I would really appreciate your prayers as I continue to become the woman that God wants me to be. I really want so much out of my life yet I am not sure the steps to take. I am so appreciative that I have a support team and a therapist to help me grasp a lot of these changes.

If you are reading this today and you know both Ericas (Indiana and California), I would appreciate your input on this matter. Please tell me how I have changed since you have known me and what things I should be looking out for in Indiana Erica! Thank you all so much and I love you all to pieces!

Much luv,

~Erica~

Actions and their consequences

Lately there has been an underlying theme in my life of learning about actions and their consequences so I thought maybe God was leading me to write about it. Today the main thing is that Christopher was kicked out of school for a day because he chose to fight with a kid. The story goes like this... This kid (we'll call him Bobby) started to push Chris early in the morning and Chris continued to tell him to stop all throughout the day. This came to a climax in the parking lot after school when Chris chose to unleash the "gun-show" on Bobby and bust his mouth. Chris notably is told everyday by Richard and myself that noone has the right to harm him and he should always defend himself. Richard and I also really push for him to take every option available before hitting someone. Chris has the option of speaking with a teacher, principal, whatever before going crazy on the kid. Chris chose to allow his anger to boil over and cause a major problem..which as now led him to be kicked out of school and will affect his grades. (I also want to note that Bobby was kicked out as well..so justice was served)

Anyway, I felt like this was just another example of actions and their consequences in our lives. I see consequences for my actions every single day. Each of us choose our payoff when we make a decision in our life. I will use the example of overeating and exercising, a good action and a bad action. We'll start with the bad action in order to end on a good note. Overeating feels good at the time by allowing us to feel full, experience emotional satisfaction, and possibly to help us socialize. There is a distinct pay-off of overeating. There are also consequences from doing that. There is the sick feeling that you get after eating too much, the weight you might gain, and the damage you might do to organs depending on what you are eating.

Exercise works the opposite way. It gives us hard consequences at first like exhaustion, sore muscles, and might make us extremely hungry or thirsty. The consequences for this action are very different however...they are good consequences. They include a good euphoric feeling from the endorphins that are going through your body, a strong and fit body, and good health throughout your life. It is a harder decision to make first but pays off way better. My premise is that we need to begin to look at the consequences instead of the immediate gratification or punishment of a situation.

In writing this post, I have been dealing with much different aspect of consequences that are more inside and emotional by dating the wrong types of men, getting into the wrong friendships, taking improper action etc... I am learning to take a moment and really think through what these actions might bring about. I wish I was 12 again so that I had someone to explain these things to me now and how to control my impulses in order to protect myself. I am learning this at 24 and it's exciting and new and maybe I can live the rest of my life making better choices.

It's interesting to see God drive a point home through your own authority. I think God was speaking to me through Chris today and really wanted me to share this with you as well. Have a great day and God bless you all!

~Erica~

Home Sweet Home

It's odd when you move away from your first home, it takes so long to really get to where somewhere else is home. It has taken me almost 3 complete years before coming back to California is coming home. Yesterday I walked off of the plane and felt a sudden breeze of cool ocean air and breathed a sigh of relief. It used to be the way I felt about seeing Indianapolis International Airport, so it's happened, I am finally...HOME! In saying that, I should note that Colorado makes me feel the same way. Maybe there are several places that you can feel at home.

I had such a great time on my vacation to Colorado to see Josh. We spent good time together and it was amazing to see him after 7 months. We did a lot of fun things and ate more food than any human really should consume. I have to get back on my plan now that I am back. I am grateful to his parents, Randy and Sheryl, for always making me feel extremely welcome and providing me a great place to vacation. I adore them and enjoy every minute that I get there. I also always feel really welcome with Josh's friends and so thanks to Dan and Hannah for your company.

I really wanted to gain some perspective upon visiting Josh and hanging out and I got that. He and I had a heart to heart and I really learned quite a bit. It was extremely fruitful to go and visit him and learn more about him every single day I was there. This is a friendship that I value so much. I think that my guy friends give me a glimpse of some of the things I would want in a husband without being all of those things. Either way, my report is that Josh and I had a great time and the vacation was marvelous.

I was also able to see Martha Fellure while I was home. (Some of you know her) She is a great mentor to me and a personal friend. She and I went to church together when we lived in a Indiana and she went on to design my wedding dress and also counsel me through an anger problem and we have been friends since. Obviously I didn't use that wedding dress but we have talked about it and one day she will redesign for the man I actually marry. It has been a great relief to know she is where I can visit and know she is out there pulling for me. I caught up with her regarding her family and career and always look forward to seeing where God takes her.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that everything was great and I'll get back on my writing schedule tomorrow! Thanks again Josh, Randy, Sheryl, Sherry, Dan, Hannah, and Martha for a great trip!

~Erica~