Everything in moderation

Last night Anthony and I had a great date night and it was so peaceful, enjoyable, and romantic. I'll spare you the details of that but I wanted to talk about how we did things different last night. We decided to share our dinner and enjoy a night out without feeling badly about what we ate or how much we paid. We went to Olive garden and shared an appetizer and then got one dinner and shared it as well. It was nice to know that we were eating the same thing, enjoying the same atmosphere, and working together to be healthier and more frugal. It was nice to go out on a date and pay less than $25.00. We hardly ever go out because dining out costs more than our budget allows but we were given a gift card for Christmas that served us well last night.

There were a couple of things that may sound corny but that I learned last night while out with my husband.

1. Food tastes better when you truly appreciate it.

2. Food also tastes better when you don't have to go broke to eat it.

3. Food tastes better when you don't overstuff yourselves

4. Everything is better when I'm with Anthony and relaxed.

Lately I have worked really hard to relax and enjoy every moment of life, and it has been easily the best month of my life. Things are high stress right now but I will not allow it to overtake me and steal precious moments like date night with my husband.

Just like I titled this post, everything in moderation, except for happiness!

Are we done yet?

Anthony and I watched "Are we done yet" with Ice Cube the other night and it was pretty funny and a good moral to the movie. I like family movies because I don't have to think too much or feel awkward due to language or content. I try not to put junk in so junk won't come out. I noticed that the movie made my anxiety come up a little bit because things keep going wrong for the main character but after talking through it myself and noticing, I stopped worrying and started laughing. I think it's so sad that for me it is a process to actually enjoy a movie and not take on the anxiety of the characters. I don't know if this makes any sense or if I sound enormously crazy!

Yesterday I decided to talk to a close friend about the struggles I was having with anxiety. He is a strong man of God and a great friend to me so we talked about my lack of trust for God in most areas of my life. This is something I want so badly is to be completely trusting in God and his power in my life so today I started by just taking the time to pray about things that bother me even slightly. I noticed it first during breakfast. I know that is crazy but I worry so much about my health with diabetes and so I just began to pray about the food going into my body and doing what it should. Most girls worry about calories but I worry about my internal organs.

It's completely overwhelming the problem I have with anxiety so I just started taking it one bite at a time lately. It's been so much easier when I do it that way. Tonight I start back to school and I have two classes and I have some stress and worry. I am determined to let God take these worries and make them his own. Thanks for stopping in! Have a lovely day!

Responsibility

Today I had my own personal therapy and we have been working for a long time on perfectionism since it led to depression in me for so long. When I got married it got entirely worse because I gained yet another responsibility. Today the therapist challenged me to 1. give myself permission to do things that are not responsibilities, 2. decide what is my responsibility and what isn't, and 3. be observant of what I have gotten done instead of what I did not get done, and 4. give myself short term goals only and NOT long term right now.

These are so important to me right now since school starts again this Wednesday. I have a very high anxiety level and school brings out the worst in me. When I get into school I start to look around at everyone else and think that they have it together and I don't. I start to worry about deadlines and responsibilities and feel like a failure if everything isn't perfect and that means I always feel like a failure.

I have decided that this next and last semester of my life, I will not do that to myself. So, in preparation for this week I am going to blog my worries, concerns, etc... and try to chart out using my therapist's suggestions what I really need to be concerned with.

Worries/Anxieties:

1. I can't afford my books until I get my money back from school so I have no books to start school with.

2. I haven't found a second practicum site yet so I have to be ultra busy these first weeks to find a second site.

3. I have to start recording all of my sessions so that I have sessions to choose from for exit.

Those are my biggest worries and anxieties however when I wrote them down I realized they weren't even that big of a deal. Here are the steps I want to take for myself in order to be healthy.

Things I will do that are NOT responsibilites:

1. Practice my guitar

2. Watch movies that I enjoy

3. Read books that I enjoy

4. Work on Christmas gifts for next year. (This is fun for me)

What are my responsibilities for this week:

1. Do practicum hours on Tuesday between 7:30 am and 1:00 pm

2. Do case notes over clients on Tuesday.

3. Attend all classes on Wednesday

4. Attend class on Thursday

5. Attend diabetic education class on Friday

6. Attend supervision hours on Friday

7. Take care of my health daily

8. Care for my marriage daily

9. Research practicum sites and make calls to schedule interviews.

What are NOT my responsibilites for this week:

1. To be perfect with my clients.

2. To have everything in perfect order for classes that start this week.

3. To have a perfectly kept house during the first week of school.

4. To have perfect blood sugar levels when I go to diabetic education.

5. To find a practicum site on the first phone call.

6. To exercise for an hour and half each day and make sure and burn X number of calories.

Short term goals for this week:

1. Call 5-10 practicum sites to seek hours.

2. Attend all scheduled appointments

3. Do something enjoyable for at least an hour a day to relax

As sad as it is, this is what my semester is going to look like due to my natural problem with anxiety and depression. I am fighting this and really trying to focus on perfectionism becoming a thing of the past. I would appreciate any prayers you could throw my way.

Have a lovely week,

--e--

Memory Lane

This is another day of enjoying something from the past. If you are anything like me you had a nice little crush on Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh and if you are lost right now, you clearly did not watch Beverly Hills 90210. I decided to put on Season One tonight and enjoy Brandon and Brenda's journey from Minnesota from the beginning. It was so funny to see their clothes, hear their insults (In the first episode Kelly calls David a "Dork Meyer," and look at the guys I thought were hot back in the day with their mini-mullets.

I was just thinking how funny it is to know that when I first watched this I lived in Indiana which might as well have been 4 billion miles away from Beverly Hills and now I am no more than 45 minutes away and can relate when they talk about certain streets and now I know people who actually live on the streets they talk about. Crazy! Life sure brings you far in a few years. I would never have dreamed that one day I would see the high school that Brandon Walsh went to (It's in Torrance by the way, not Beverly Hills) or that I would actually know someone who lives on Doheny which is where Steve lived.

Anyway, all of that to say it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane tonight and enjoy some good old 90's memories. Life sure goes fast! My older sister who watched this show religiously during high school is now a wife and soon to be mommy. I am feeling nostalgic tonight I guess. I hope I haven't bored you!

Then she found me

Ok, so one of my main Jewish loves is Bette Midler. I love her in everything she is in and one of my goals is to see her show in Vegas. I watched a movie today called "Then she found me" with Bette Midler, Helen Hunt, Matthew Broderick, and Colin Firth. It was really good. It had a great story line and it was really moving. The main themes were marriage, divorce, love, adoption, and reuniting. I liked it a lot!

My favorite character in the movie was Frank played by Colin Firth. First of all, Colin Firth has such a great accent and he is funny in a really quirky way! This movie is no exception. I am enjoying my movie viewing lately and today's movie was really good!

Check it out if you love Bette and a good story!

--e--

Tall, Dark, and handsome

That's my batman! Tonight Anthony and I decided to watch one of our Christmas gifts, "The Dark Knight." Anthony's brother David got us the dvd for Christmas and this is the first time we have gotten around to watching it. It was stinkin amazing. I should note that my husband loves these kinds of movies and I love batman so there we have a match made in heaven. Here are my thoughts on the dark knight.

First of all, it was so sad to see such brillance in the joker and think about Heath Ledger no longer being able to portray him. I think that Christian Bale is a magnificent Batman although I have to admit that Michael Keaton will always be batman to me. I also love that they chose Michael Caine to portray Alfred Pennyworth. I have loved Michael Caine in so many films and he was a perfect Alfred.

There are so many great choices that they made for this movie and Batman's toys are completely amazing. I wanted to drive that batman motorcyle thing the minute it came out of the main batmobile. It was just the best movie I have seen for a long time. I would love to hear what everyone else thinks about it! I admit that it was very dark and sometimes a bit scary but again, great film.

The movie quest

I have always really liked watching movies but I never made the time to do so. I enjoy all types of movies...well except for kung fu movies and I decided it was high time that I did more things that I enjoy so I have started watching movies. I went online and looked through the top movies since 1960 and I have quite the list of movies that I want to see. Then there are of course the list of movies that are guilty pleasures that I just want to see because I am female and enjoy sappy stories and funny characters. My favorite movies are southern movies like Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Forrest Gump, Driving Miss Daisy, etc...

I like a story. I like a well developed story with well developed characters. I like drama, passion, quirky characters, and not too fancy graphics. My husband is the exact opposite. He likes superhero movies with great graphics. I like a movie that makes me think. I like a movie that can make me smile, laugh hard, cry, feel overwhelmed, nervous, and makes me think about it for nights and nights later. I like a movie that I can analyze about whether it is for children or not. I like a movie that makes me look at the relationships and marriage and observe patterns.

I just really enjoy cuddling up on my comfy couch these days and taking in a flick. Today, I decided to watch a movie that came out in 2006 starring Heather Graham as Gray Baldwin, Bridget Moynahan as Charlie Kelsey, and Thomas Cavanaugh as Sam Baldwin. The reason I wanted to see it was that Heather Graham plays a really quirky character who likes things a certain way and I am kind of like that. I have differences with the character for certain. If you know the story, there is one obvious difference but I enjoyed the movie nonetheless.

I also love Molly Shannon's humor and she is in this movie as well as a really off beat character. I just love her! There are a lot of really great moments in this movie. I would not recommend it if you are uncomfortable with homosexuality at all. It has a bit of inappropriate content so it's not appropriate for children. I really enjoyed the movie although it is not one you just HAVE to see!

The facts of life.

If you are anywhere near my age you probably remember a little show called "The Facts of Life." Lately I have been using one of my favorite things, my netflix account, to watch old episodes of the Facts of Life. It's been enlightening as I did not remember that so many deep issues were discussed on the show. I just watched the one where Blair found out there her grandfather, who she loved and admired, was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. It has really amazed me to find that this show that I thought was mindless and fun when I was little was actually teaching amazing lessons. I am enjoying my stroll down memory lane. I wish tv were this good still!

So, as a smooth transition, I have truly been learning the facts of life lately. There is a part of me that believes that I have never truly known what life was about until about 3-4 months ago. Anthony and I embarked on a new adventure pretty soon after we got married when we started discussing having a family. Anthony and I never really do anything without thinking, praying, and talking the heck out of things. We have really talked about our desires for a family, our ideals for raising that family, and how we will have the best marriage we can have through steps of growth and work.

As I made my 2009 "resolutions" I really thought about this goal and how powerful it is to have a good marriage these days. It's disturbing to see how many people take marriage so lightly and just want to have that day where they wear a big dress and look pretty just to have an ugly marriage. I have really made a concerted effort lately to connect fully with Anthony each day and I got to tell you, it has been so powerful. I have enjoyed every single minute of those connections no matter what we are doing. Last night we played quite a few games of Scene it and we had such a good time just being competitive and eating popcorn and discussing great movies that we both enjoy. The facts of life are these:

1. Being married is absolutely fantastic if you take the time to really connect with your spouse!

2. Being married is really hard work and requires actual awareness of what you are doing each day. It sounds lame but you have to think about what you are doing or you will forget to just BE in the marriage and forget about the meaningless details of life.

3. Loving your family is the most important thing in life and everything else is simply details and doesn't deserve the attention we usually give it. Yes, things are important like cleaning the house, doing well at your job, and being healthy in your body but being successful, healthy, and hygienic is only valuable when those you love are near and happy!

So to sum up this post..

sing it with me...

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both
And there you have
The facts of life
The Facts of life

There's a time you gotta go
And show you're growing
Now you know about the
Facts of life
The Facts of life

When the world never seems
To be living
Up to your dreams
Suddenly your finding out
The facts of life are all about You
You.....

Have a lovely day everyone and I hope that you value your family above all else! :)

Perfectionism defined

In my quest to stop being a perfectionist, I decided to look up the actual definition of perfectionism and I was astounded at the definitions. Here are the various ones I found:

• a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable
  
• a person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards
  
• The belief that a person can attain a state of sinlesslessness
  

These are so disturbing to me especially the last one being that with this belief, I don't need God. I obviously believe with all my heart that there is no way I could attain a state of sinlessness and God is the only way that I can even begin to be anything less than yucky! (Yes, yucky is an acceptable academic word) Upon reading this, I became not just tired of my ideas of perfectionism but absolutely disgusted by my attempts to take the place of a God who came to Earth for me as a human and took my place. I am DONE with perfectionism!

--e--

Rachel, my new friend.

So this year is going to be all about doing the things I love and being honest about them. Sometimes I don't do all the things I love because I try to do too much that I don't love. Well, I love to cook! I have been watching Rachel Ray pretty religiously for a few months and her recipes are always winners in my house. Tonight I am making something called a Ham & Cheese Strata. It's a recipe that Rachel showed using leftover ham and we have quite a bit of that from our New Years Dinner. If you want to check out what is in this little beauty than check out Ham & Cheese Strata on Rach's Website

I am working very hard on doing things I love and taking in each experience as I have them. I love cooking for my husband and other loved ones and seeing them smile and say "MMMM" That is very powerful for me and gives me what I need in my day. Well, I am off to clean my house. There are plenty of Christmas Decorations to be stored, dishes to be washed, and laundry to be sorted. I pray that you have a gorgeous January 2nd and that you do things that you love!

--e--

2009 My favorite year so far!

Hey everyone, I pray that your new year brings you many happy memories and joyous occasions. I titled this post my favorite year ever because I am determined to make it my favorite year no matter what happens. I am trying to learn how to roll with life and find peace and happiness in all things I do. Ever since I started graduate school I have really struggled with my own depression which I fully believe stems from a very unrealistic expectation level and perfectionism that is crippling. I am determined to give that up in 2009. I have been working really hard in my own therapy this year to try to eradicate that part of me that requires me to be perfect or to feel depressed. I refuse to live the rest of my life with that pain. Especially now that I am happily married and moving on toward goals and dreams that are powerful in my life.

I always write my annual resolution post and up to this year, it has been very indicative of my perfectionism and I always fall short and feel horrible so this year I am going to do something different. I am only going to write resolutions for things that are going to better me toward stopping this perfectionism stuff. Here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. Start each day with God; no rules...just seek HIM FIRST!

2. Do something each day that I truly enjoy (Options are endless; reading, puzzles, Wii, dancing, singing, playing guitar, sex (tee hee), scrapbooking, etc...)

3. Connect with my husband in some way each day and let nothing else distract me (no cell phone on, no computer, etc..)

4. Stop procrastinating so that things can be perfect and just do them and take my best as the best that can be.

5. Take care of myself first, my husband second, and everyone else after.

That's it, my five resolutions for the year.

Happy New Year to you!

--Erica--

Lucky

A long time ago I read a really awesome book called "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I literally read the whole book on one flight to Indiana so you can imagine that it was a pretty good read. It was heartbreaking but written in such a way that you couldn't stop reading it. First of all, I suggest that book but Alice also wrote a true story about her own life that I am really enjoying right now called "Lucky." Again, it's very hard to read but also very good writing. I also just spotted another fiction book of hers in borders so that is one of my goals for the holiday to buy that and read it. I should note that if you have been sexually victimized, Lucky is either exactly for you or not advised to read based on your own sensitivity.

A little bit more of Harry

I am a huge Harry Potter Fan and read every single book over and over and J.K. Rowling just came out with a new book called "The Tales of Beedle the Bard" and it was a book that was actually mentioned in the Harry Potter Series. This was a really cute fun easy read and let me have just a few more minutes with Harry!

On the bandwagon....

Well, I have done it. I got on the bandwagon and started reading the Twilight series. I am currently through the first two books. I am so far loving them! Let me just say I normally do NOT get into the Vampire type stories. I tried to watch Buffy and I just couldn't do it but I had to read this series because I heard that the writing was so good. I am here to confirm, it is good! :)

Books are love...they truly are

Today I revisited one of my oldest and dearest loves, BOOKS. I haven't ever really stopped loving them but I have taken a little vacation from them through graduate school. I don't often have the time to read for school and read for pleasure. It's usually one of them that wins and it's usually the one of them that earns my grades. I have been really soaking up my Christmas Vacation from school by escaping into my books. There are so many books on my book shelf that have been bought for me over the last few years that I have been dying to read. I decided that over break I would be in a book every day.

So far I have read 5 of my long awaited books over the last couple of weeks and I couldn't be happier. I thought my blog could reflect some of that as I wrote about the books I have been enjoying. They are all different so be prepared for some diversity. I like all types of books so maybe you'll find something fun to read for yourself. I would love some book recommendations too if you have any I should read. I am open to all genres!

Stay tuned for my book reviews.

I'll say it again for good measure

There have been so many posts on this blog about my weight and how hard it has been for me. There have been posts where I was losing weight, gaining weight, working out, not working out, binging, not binging and in between but I was never trying to be a mama and a wife back then. Ever since I have been a wife I have not just taken my weight as an issue but my health has been an issue. I have not missed my diabetic medication since the day I said "I do" 4 months ago yesterday. I take my vows very seriously and I know that I owe not just myself but Anthony the chance for a long life with me. We are both more focused on our health since getting married and even more so since deciding to start trying to have a child.

I am going to chronicle my weight loss on a private blog for myself but I also want to report into you guys just what is going on. I shockingly found out a few months ago that I allowed myself to get back to 303 lbs. I had lost all the way down to 220 and it felt great and when graduate school started, I stopped trying to do that. Today I am 299 lbs and I am working extra hard toward some goals. I see my doctor again on Monday December 15th and then the diabetic doctor again on Friday Jan 9th so I will updates on weight quite frequently.

I am working out again, eating on a meal plan, and focused. Life can not go on with these diabetic problems and weight issues. Please say a prayer if you think about Anthony and I as we embark on a very hard goal!

Grace and other therapuetic matters

Today I had an interesting thing happen while with a client. Although I can't share the details of it on here I will say that I realized today that I am capable of some things that would have really scared me before or made me shut down. I have grown so much in my grad school program and have really developed some therapeutic skills. That makes me so happy as this program seems to be an uphill battle for me daily. Today I was just really reminded of the grace I need to give myself as I try to learn the ropes. In my own therapy on Monday we talked about grace for most of the session due to my lack of grace for myself.

Grace is such a hard concept for me to grasp. It took me several years within my relationship with Christ to accept that his salvation was entirely free. That to me sounded silly so I continued trying to earn it and I fell short pretty much every minute on the minute. I battled myself daily trying to figure out how to do my spiritual disciplines perfectly in order to allow Christ to love me consistently. This was a battle I had to choose to lose daily and just allow God's love to stop the maddness.

In my personal relationships, this is even harder for me. I still have not come to the point where I can just let Anthony love me and not think I have to pay for it later or earn his love. He is the only person who has never asked me for anything in return. This should form in me the ability to accept his love and grace without problem but for some reason this is an issue for me.

A case of the yuckies

So I have this monster of a cold that is kicking my rear-end mainly at night. I seem to do "ok" during the day and then when I am going to bed this ferocious cough comes that keeps me awake, uncomfortable, and grumpy. Poor husband isn't getting any rest either with me bringing my lungs up several times in the night. I am so glad that we aren't pregnant yet with me feeling so sick. It would be horrible to not be able to take any meds for this and battle it alone. All that to say, I have been doing very well in all other aspects.

As many of you know, I headed to Indiana a couple of weeks ago to see my sister get married. She will be married 2 weeks tomorrow and just celebrated her 33rd birthday...so Happy Birthday and Anniversary BOSS! My mom celebrated her 52nd birthday the same day and that got me to thinking. Can you imagine, I started thinking? I started thinking about where I am at in my life and if I am happy there. I came to the conclusion that Yes....Yes I am. I thought I would take some time today to list some things I am thankful for as we approach Thanksgiving and maybe I will focus more on that than this nasty cold!

-- I am thankful that I have the most amazing husband and he helps me study when I am too sick to stay focused alone and he somehow knows exactly what Jerre is going to ask on her quizzes.

-- I am thankful that we have an apartment that I really like even if I don't like the city that much. I love going home and laying on my couch and wrapping up in my throw britt got me and realizing how much I am loved and provided for.

-- I am thankful that I am getting my diabetes in order and feeling much better.

-- I am thankful for the Hoag Diabetes Education Center who are going to teach me how to be a pregnant diabetic!

-- I am thankful for Grad Psych that has absolutely tore me up and put me back together again in the most painful manner possible but man am I a better woman than I came as.

-- I am thankful for a new appreciation for some of my professors and what they bring to my life.

-- I am thankful for new friendships that came from Grad School in Katherine, Elise, Christine, Nicole, etc... It's nice to have good girls in my life.

-- I am thankful for trying to get pregnant because not only does it make babies but it's fun!

-- I am thankful for 3 lovely months married and how much I have learned in just these three months.

God is so good and I just wanted to be thankful today as I sniffle and feel the world is unfair. :)

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Mom

All of these are names I have never went by. I haven't officially been an aunt for more than 13 days although two precious little girls call me Aunt Erica. I have always been a little sister, have been a big sister most of my life, and now I am even a sister in law. I have been a full sister, half sister, and now going on a step sister. I have been a step daughter, a grandchild, a step grandchild, and beyond. The one thing I haven't been in my 28 years is coming soon and scares the wits out of me while excites me beyond measure. I am going to be a mother soon. We are not pregnant YET but it's so exciting to think about how this title will be mine in the coming months (hopefully) There are still so many fears on my part beyond the regular ones of trying to be a good mother, delivering a baby, carrying a baby, caring for a baby, etc...

There is a fear of my disease being harsh to me while pregnant. There is a fear of my families mental illnesses being carried on. There is a fear of my career making me scared of everything while parenting. There is a fear of graduate school becoming too hard while I am pregnant. There is a fear of me becoming a mother and never using the degree that I have worked so diligently for. There is a fear of trying to balance home and career. There is a fear of incompetence and lack of knowledge of how to parent or care properly. There are so many fears.

There are so many excitements too. There is the excitement of hearing mama for the first time. There is the excitement of seeing Anthony holding our child and the way he already loves our future little ones. There is the excitement of knowing whose eyes the baby got or whose smile. There is the excitement of seeing the baby take its first steps, speak its first words, and go to school for the first time. I pray that my fears are not going to take over my excitement. I so long for God to help me to keep my focus on Him through this so that I don't forget how much of a blessing it is to be a mother.

I am ready!!! Or am I?

Home sick ..on my way.

It's been 10 long months since I have seen my family. That is unheard of for me as I usually head home twice a year and this year I am only getting one visit most likely. Last year I went home three times, one of them was not for pleasure but my nephew and step-mom's funeral so I would prefer not to go home for those such events. This time I am headed home to see my older sister get married. Happy times are always a better time to go home. On Friday I gain a brother in law and I get to see my family too which is great. I really miss them. I don't often have a hard time living so far away but around the beginning of September I began to feel pain.

I think this comes from growing up attending the Persimmon Festival back home and being around for my sisters' birthdays, my mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas and well into New Years. This time of year has me really missing the falling leaves, the snow, the christmas lights, and actually being COLD sometimes instead of living on the south side of hell, AKA Anaheim. I wish I could say that Anaheim has proven to be my dream home but it just hasn't. Anthony and I are neither one in our dream spot here but that also doesn't mean Indiana is either. I just miss my family! If my family lived here, I probably would go back to Indiana here and there but never to stay. It just wasn't my cup of tea.

I am very excited to head to Indiana tomorrow morning. I am also excited to see Hilliary get married and find her happiness. I am also happy to see Britt and my mom and meet Britt's new boyfriend. There is a lot going on back home and it will be good to be there for a few days. I will be there for 4 days and will squeeze everything I can into those 4 days. I might blog while I am there but I can't assure that so until then, have a lovely week and Happy Halloween!

--e--