Friday, March 31, 2006

I can't believe my own growth.

Do you ever sit and think about where you have come from? I sure have this last couple of days and really feel proud of myself today. There are a number of areas where I have changed and every one of them is a huge step in the right direction for me. I have certainly had moments of taking steps back, pit stops, and downright falls but overall the last 3-4 years of my life have been times of enormous growth. I should probably note too that in 3-4 years from now, I will think the same thing about these years. I am nowhere near where I would like to be in life but I am at least taking steps to get there.

Well it's Friday and of course, that sounds like Heaven to me! I get another couple of days to sleep in, do things I need to do, relax, read, listen to music, and NOT work. I like weekends but even more than I used to just due to being alone. I used to hate being alone and it sounded like the last thing I would want to do. This weekend, I am excited about just Erica time. I am excited about cuddling up in my bed with the fan on me and reading a great novel or something I have been wanting to get to. I am looking forward to organizing my room and cleaning out my closet. I am looking forward to watching a romantic comedy alone with Kettle Corn. I am looking forward to hanging out with my friend Heather on Saturday and just doing something fun and relaxing. I am looking forward to writing in my journal about my growth. Most of all, I am looking forward to prayer walks and reading my Bible. I am just looking forward to the weekend, period!

I went out with a very close friend yesterday who has been with me over the last 3 and 1/2 years of growth. He and I had some lunch and went for a walk in the park. I can remember 3 years ago when yesterday would have been a whole lot different. I can remember when I would have been a different woman and one that was not in any way healthy! I also remember how much I required of him before and now, it is simply a friendship and it's a good, healthy one. I can go another 3 months without seeing him and hanging with him and I would still feel loved. I have never before been able to feel that.

Also, money is a huge area of growth right now. This week I, for the first time in my life, saved money. I handed some money to a friend to hold on to for me until I have enough to set up an actual savings account and I am so excited about the possibility of becoming a financially healthy woman. I have taken great strides to also pay down some serious debt in the last week. I am proud of myself in these areas. I am seeing a credit counselor for the big stuff next week so please keep praying in this area.

I am really seeing so much growth in myself and feeling great about what God and I have accomplished together! :) I love all that is happening within me and value myself more everyday.

I love you all and thanks for stopping by!


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Fatherly advice and how that feels

I have always had my heavenly father and for that I am immeasurably grateful but father figures in my life have not always been a great area. I had one of the greatest grandfathers that a girl could ever have. He was a phenomenal person as well as a wise mentor. Recently God has restored my faith in fathers. Not only am I getting to know a new person who IS a father and a really great one but I also work for a great father and am developing a relationship with MY great father. I am proud of myself and my dad right now. Recently my dad and I had a talk that will literally change the course of my entire relationship with him. I am so happy that we had this talk and although some of the things I heard were disappointing or hard to hear, they were truth and that is what I have always wanted in my life.

This morning I woke up with goals for myself for the day. I was heading to the bank to make a deposit, mailing out some bills, making some decisions, and looking into my options for becoming a good financial manager. I am so proud of the changes I have made just over the last 2 weeks in my financial life. I am going to repair the damage that has been done to me and the damage I have done to myself. This is a huge part of re-parenting myself.

Today I talked with the bank about my options on SAVING money. See that is a concept I have never known about. My family always lived paycheck to paycheck or even worse, credit card statement to credit card statement. Living beyond my means was the only way I knew how to do things. Now, I am living below my means and it's comforting. I like the feeling of saving and I like the idea of actually caring about my future. I want to purchase a house (condo or townhouse) in Southern California and I need to start planning for that part of my future.

The reason the blog's title is about fatherly advice is that I am seeking financial advice from not only MY father but also Richard, my boss. He is very intelligent with his money and I knew he would know the proper steps for me to take to make my money work for me and create a nest egg for emergencies and my future. It felt good to have FATHERS to go to as well as of course, my Heavenly Father!

I am also really hoping that I can learn the discipline of being financially faithful in my walk with the Lord. I have started to get back on track with that and really have a plan of realizing that what is given to me is just that..given to me from Him!

I would ask that you pray that I can stay consistent with my financial plan and figure out how to dig myself out of this hole and become a responsible, financially sound woman! Thank you so much for stopping in and God bless you!


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Blogging..not sleeping

Hey everyone. It is literally 4:00 a.m in sunny Cali and I can't sleep. I would go into why I can't sleep but let's just say I wasn't aware that a medication I took had caffeine in it and since I NEVER partake of caffeine, I am wide awake. I have read my bible, journaled, did my budget, and a million other things since I should be sleeping. Oh well, I guess the blog will be the next task.

So I recently made a decision to change some of my financial habits and it is such a rewarding decision. I made the decision that I would spend the very LEAST money I can and start applying every single penny possible to my debt. God has already rewarded me and multiplied what I have. He is so faithful. Why do I forget that at times?

A friend actually gave me a huge monetary gift today and it was not a loan. They were giving it from their heart out of love for me and it was quite touching. I am applying every penny of that money to pay for my car. Cavie will really be mine very soon. Don't worry, the blog will be the first to know! This is such a huge accomplishment as I am the first in my immediate family to purchase a new vehicle myself!!!

I am also noticing that my gas tank is fuller, my bank account has money left at the end of two weeks, and I don't feel as much anxiety when I am being faithful with my finances. I know that God has called me to tithe, save, and pay debts. He has not called me to squander or live a life of disobedience.

I also am happy to report that I am back on the weight loss wagon in a sense. I have not made any eating changes (except no fast food) but for the last 2 nights I have worked out. On Sunday I went and took 2 walks. I took one in the day at the beach and the second one at night on the Island. They were both so great. Today I took a walk on the Island and then worked my arms out with weights. I am proud of myself. I really would like to drop at least a little weight before Hannah's wedding.

Have I mentioned that I am a bridesmaid for the first time in my life in June? Hannah has given me the distinct honor of being one of her bridesmaids. I am amazingly touched and to be honest, surprised. I have never REALLY been close enough to a woman to be in their wedding. I have never had that healthy of female relationships but with God's help, I am growing.

Something pretty disturbing has been going on back home. (I know, you are shocked!) Someone in my life has really held some serious resentment, grudges, or something against me and continues to talk about me as if we are still 16 years old. The sad thing is, I want the very best for this person and want them to really grow and realize that YES...I was a horrible person at one point in my life but I no longer am. I truly pray for them every single day and want them to come to a place where they realize the hurt and pain they are causing not only me but themselves.

Therapy is going really great. I am re-parenting myself on a daily basis and finding that the things I really missed are things that I can work on now and teach myself. I can also get these needs filled in other ways and really develop a healthy relationship with my parents as adults who probably WON'T change.

In sad news, April 8th will be 6 years since my grandfather passed. I miss him so much and as I journaled about him tonight, I realized how much he truly influenced my life. I would appreciate prayers surrounding April 8th and just how I can honor him this year and really grieve him the way that God intends me to. Also, please pray for my family who are all grieving him as well.

Well, I should get off here as I need to be under some blankets but I DO love you all so much and I pray the very most over your lives. Thanks to my special friend who gave me such an enormous gift today. You are precious!


Monday, March 27, 2006

Happy Birthday Sherrie Short

Today would have been Sherrie Short's 60th birthday! I just wanted to wish her a happy b-day here!


Friday, March 24, 2006

The boys are back in town.

Well my long silent week was absolutely glorious and if you all were wondering, I did finish all of the tasks that Richard had placed on his list. That means I called the piano people and scheduled a tuning, took mimi to the vet (see later update), cleaned out the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen, cleaned the linen closet, cleaned the office, picked up dry cleaning, took the garbage out, and the list goes on! I was pretty proud of myself when Richard walked in the door last night.

Speaking of Richard, he and Christopher had completely different views on how the trip went. Christopher thought it was "awesome" and met a special girl from Iowa that he really liked and enjoyed her company the whole trip. Richard on the other hand was exhausted and felt the trip was too much and didn't get enough rest through it. I guess that is the difference in being 13 and being 41.

I am doing ok but really working on a million things in my life right now. I just recently came to the conclusion that I have a real problem with saving money, budgeting, paying bills, etc.. I can't imagine why I have never learned these skills! In saying that, I am meeting with a credit counseling agency on April 6th and trying to figure out how I can work things out. I am also trying to write down all of my debt and start working it all down. My other goal is to start to create a budget. I am sure you are all thinking..yeah are 25 might be time. Well, I have been living paycheck to paycheck my entire existence and basically, that's how I learned to be.

Another great concern of mine right now is Graduate School. I turned in my application to the school I REALLY want to attend and now it's a waiting game. I am nervous that I won't get in and then another part of me feels that if God wants me there, I will be there. I have everything to them and the ball should be rolling to start processing my application. I can't wait to find out if this is where I will be getting my Masters degree. Oh my gosh, I am going to get a Masters degree...hopefully

Mimi, our cat, is very ill right now and she is at the vet today and ended up staying overnight. It turns out our precious Mimi has a hernia. She is really struggling with breathing, eating, and everything else necessary in life so when I pick her up today, I will find out the treatment plan.

The weight loss journey has been stalled for quite some time lately. I haven't really worked on it for a while and you can tell as my jeans are tighter, stomach is bigger, and booty is expanding. I seriously want to be at a healthy weight but I need to want it more. I have to start really putting in the work and being consistent. It will probably help that I can't spend a dime since eating out is so bad for me!

Re-parenting myself is going wonderfully. I feel like I have really made some progress since I started doing that. For example, in my financial attitude, my weight loss attitude, and even in my friendships and relationships. I am caring more about myself in order to start cleaning up my life a bit more.

I spoke with my dad on the phone for and hour and 1/2 yesterday and we really had a great talk. He allowed me and even invited me to ask him for some truths that I might need. I did need truths. I needed to know if the abuse I had thought happened, really did. I needed to know if he really wanted me or didn't really care. I needed to know how he felt about time with me as a child. I felt really loved after our conversation and my dad said the things I needed to hear like "Erica, I know you will get into Grad School" and "Erica, I am proud of you!" Those two sentences could hold me for years.

Well, I should get going and pick up meemers. Keep praying for all of the above I have mentioned and my friend Heather as she has been going through a lot and is graduating in May. Life is stressful for her right now!

I love you all so much and God bless you this wonderful Friday!


Sunday, March 19, 2006


Do you ever look around and realize that you have let your life get out of control? That's where this post is going today. I woke up today to the house by myself and no actual work until Friday of next week. I was optimistic about this since I have so much to get accomplished. I would love to call this a vacation but it really isn't since I have to work continually to get things done. I have things to do in my own life like finish the application process for grad school, clean my room, get rid of clothes that don't fit, get back into working out, and organize my life. I also have things to do for Richard like cleaning the office, cleaning out the linen closet, cleaning out drawers, getting things done on the house, and the list continues.

Today is Sunday and I always view that as a starting over point. I feel like I really need a starting over point today. I am so behind on everything. I just want to be done with things in the past and start a new chapter. I also am making a decision to talk with a financial counselor tomorrow and meet with my mentor on Tuesday in order to get my budget together. I am really hoping I can learn how to care for myself financially finally.

News in my life is pretty much the same but here are the updates:

Health: I am doing ok but I really need to get into a doctor for diabetes. I am going to try to get on a government program in order to have doctor visits paid for if nothing else.

Work: Off for the week because Chris and Richard and gone but back in action next week!

Grad School: I have an information meeting at Vanguard on Tuesday evening. I am turning my Vanguard Application in tomorrow and possibly one of the other ones. I am ready to go and hopefully God will let me in somewhere.

Family: My family is going through something really hard right now that they sorta asked for themselves but they need prayer!

I hope you are all doing well. Have a great day and God bless you!


Saturday, March 18, 2006

The nations capital brings me R & R..sorta

Hey everyone. I hope that this Saturday finds you feeling wonderful and experiencing joy in your life. I am in such a weird place in my life right now. I feel completely motivated yet frustrated. I feel driven, yet terrified. I feel accomplished, yet lost. I am always kind of balanced between these two extremes but not this week...I am one or the other.

The title of today's blog is due to Richard and Chris going to Washington D.C. this week. They left this evening and they are not coming back until the end of the week. This means that I am "off work" for the week. There is a plus side to this and a very negative side. The plus side is that I have time to get MY life together and do projects that get pushed to the back because of work. The negative side is that I am going to lose a great deal of money. Money is not something I am able to lose right now due to the horrible debt that I have gotten myself into.

I am frustrated beyond my limits and really distracted by anxiety and fear. Some days I wonder when my life will ever have an easy place in it. I wonder when I will have a day of happiness or joy or even reprieve from the daily worries. I am worried that if I don't get responsible and take care of things NOW..I won't have a chance to redeem myself

The next week is going to be dedicated to ME!!! I am going to work on my finances, health, organization, and money making strategies. I am going to have to commit to myself for a while! Please pray..I am at my wits end


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Cry me a river

I completely admit that the title of this blog is due to me listening to Justin Timberlake right now but it fit my attitude. Last night I just started crying and crying and feeling sorry for myself. I always wake up feeling better but I hate those nights. I decided that I had a moment of feeling hopeless and I'll chalk it up to girl emotions and hope it doesn't come back to stay!

Do you ever feel like your life is NOTHING like you would have planned. My life is absolutely zero % like I had imagined it would be at the age of 25. I am happy about this in some ways like I don't live in Indiana, I have a BA in Psychology, I am going to grad school soon hopefully, and mostly I have tons of great friends. In other ways, I am so sad about the outcome. I am not married, have no children, have bad relationships with my family, and mostly have no financial security right now.

I am sad and happy all at once. This is where I am today so I thought I would write about it.


Monday, March 13, 2006

75% your face unbelievers!

This weekend I really put "my nose to the grindstone" and got busy on my Grad School stuff. I know that most of the early deadlines have already come and gone but man, I am so proud of myself. I am at least in the deadline zone, even if it isn't the early ones. I have one application to finish up before they are all send-ready. The issue is now an issue of $paper$. I can't seem to make enough to cover all of my crazy situations in life. I will be so happy when I make enough for my bills and not only that...but have my issues from my past paid off!!!

I have been re-parenting myself for a week now and I wanted to share what I have come up with. The two things that have really crossed my mind that I missed so far are Affection and Rules. I know that most people would never wish for rules but I sure would. Affection is so important though and creates a whole different person if you don't have it. I find that I crave affection at every turn because of the way I missed it as a child. I also crave someone telling me the RIGHT things to do.

A lot of people take for granted that their parents say "Brush your teeth" or "Do your homework" That is just a sign of your parents actually caring. I can honestly say that anytime I have done my homework or brushed my teeth it wasn't because I was told to. I think a lot of people don't understand the value of discipline until they never had any.

Today I am going to finish my last application for Grad School and start reading up on Group therapy. I am thinking it would be beneficial for me to attend Group therapy with other people who have had dysfunctional upbringing. I also have to take Chris to the doctor today for his ADHD check-up. I hope all is well with him and that he has gained some weight. I think it's so important for him to do so right now.

Anyway, I should get going and close this post but I'll keep you up on what Re-parenting teaches me and also on the Grad School progress. At this point, it's a send them and wait and see process!

Have a beautiful Monday!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


So, my therapist suggested I do an exercise each day in re-parenting. I am not so sure how I feel about this yet. We did it together in my session on Monday and it felt odd and strange to me. Maybe it just felt odd and strange because I don't know parenting. We sat in the dim lighting and I closed my eyes as she said to pretend I had "little-erica" on my lap. She then spoke words of affirmation to "me" as a little girl. Things like "Erica, you are so smart and you are going to be so good at whatever you do." I was so sad inside.

I literally cried through the whole exercise because I realized, I never heard those things. I was never told I was smart, good, cute, beautiful, appreciated, loved, etc... In my house only words of complete destruction were spoken. My job is to re-parent myself and tell myself the things I need to hear! I am so aching inside thinking about this.

Not writing a lot..just wanted to share my exercise!



This past weekend we had plumbing problems that most people don't see in their lifetime. It has caused some water damage in my room and moreso...mold issues! Mine and Chris' throat are completely not good and we are feeling like junk. Please pray for both of us as we battle some sickness!


Monday, March 06, 2006

It's been so long

My blog has been the least of my worries over the past 2 weeks. Life has been crazy! I appreciate everyone that takes the time to keep up on my life through this blog and really enjoys it or uses it as a prayer forum. Today, I come to you really overwhelmed and completely emotional. I have a million reasons for this to be so but none that I care to write about. Today I return to therapy and to be honest, I can't wait. I need to talk to someone about the feelings that are haunting me and think of some strategies to work through them.

I have completed my GRE now and also filed my Fafsa so a few more steps are down in the grad school process. I am still dragging my feet quite a bit on the applications and that is one of the topics of today's session I am sure. I am struggling with decision making, finances, romance, family, and everything in between. I am hoping that after this giant growth spurt of 2-3 years that God is going to give me a break and let some happiness occur.

In other news, I am slowing becoming even more independent than I once was. I am so proud of myself for taking some steps to further seperate from my immediate family. I love my sisters and they are always going to be a part of my life in some way but there are other aspects where I know I will never be properly cared for.

Today, I am going to close this post up to get ready for my session and talk to some people and I have to pay this guy that is putting our trash compactor in. Have a great day and God bless you all!