Thursday, July 31, 2008


So here is the definition of my topic today: training to improve strength or self-control. This is a topic that I have stayed away from in the past because it even sounds painful for me. Discipline when you are little means getting a spankin, grounding, or perhaps making amends in some way for something you have done wrong. This isn't the true meaning of the word and it wasn't meant to be construed this way. I have been reading a book about spiritual disciplines and really searching my heart about how disciplined I am in my spiritual journey. I am not very disciplined at all to tell the truth. I am going to be blogging about my journey through this book and through my heart in this quest to become more spiritually disciplined. There are also other areas that I want disciplined in. These are:

-- Money
-- Exercise
-- Food
-- Household tasks and chores
-- School work and career development
-- Affection/Caring for others
-- Anger/emotional managment

I am kind of at a starting over place in my life and what better time to learn the word discipline and start to practice some of the disciplines of life. These take time so I am going to document my journey which may take more than one year to get some of these down.


I am starting at HEARING the word of God on a regular basis. I have decided to DVR some preaching that I know is from a reputable speaker, listen to my Bible Experience DVDS each day, and read literature that is written from this perspective. This is a great first step to my spiritual disciplines. I want to learn about God's word and hearing it is one step. I also want to find a church in our area that we can attend and start to develop our family in.


I want to keep a spending log for the entire month of August for our household to begin to see our budget in a new light and start to work harder to manage it and not have excess but to really use what we have and only get what we need.


I want to use August to visit the gym in my apartment complex 4 days a week and use the equipment provided like treadmills, weight machines, bikes, walking area around the complex, and pool in order to gain exercise time. If I can not get to the facility on 4 days, it is my responsibility to get to 24 hour fitness or do an exercise tape in my home.


I want to use August to develop a habit of eating breakfast in my home and thinking it through daily while eating carbs, protein, fat, and dairy every morning. I want to use the diabetic outline and start to get fueled in the morning for my day.

Household Tasks and Chores:

I want to make sure all dishes are done and kitchen is properly cleaned before bedtime for the month of August. I will not place any other standards on myself but getting used to a kitchen routine of doing dishes, putting away leftovers, and cleaning down counters each night. This includes making lunches for the next day, keeping drinks stocked, and preparing for the next days meals.

School work and Career Development:

I will make a committment for August to attend all of my classes, do all of my reading, and attend all of my sessions with the kids at Access in order to develop more in my career. Easy for me to say since School starts on the 27th! :)

Affection/Caring for others:

I will make it a point in August to discipline myself to be more affectionate with my husband and use physical touch (his love language) to be connected with him. It is very hard for me to remember as it isn't that big of an issue for me but it is vitally important to him so I want that discipline in my life.

Anger/Emotional Managment:

I will make it a point in August to discipline myself to not raise my voice to my husband. I want to use a calm voice no matter what I feel inside but also express my true feelings to him but with love and gentleness that God wants me to use.


In August, I want to discipline myself to keep my planner up to date always and try to manage my time according to the planner and not waste a lot of time in my life. Procrastinating causes me so much anxiety and I want to stop doing it.

I will continue to check in on where I am on all of these things. I am excited to start to learn discipline. Some of these will take shorter times to discipline myself towards than others.


Goodbyes and stresses

So my life is completely changing in the next month. By September I won't have the same job, same practicum site, same relationship status or same last name. Everything is changing. I will be a married, unemployed, housewife, student, and stress ball. I am nervous about so many things right now that I can't even begin to write a post that makes any sense. My body is reacting heavily to all of these stresses in that my digestive tract is very messed up and even my female body doesn't like all that is occuring.

I think my body tends to tell me when too much is going down so that my emotions don't have to process it. I am going to try to process my emotions on here about all that is going on through the next couple of weeks but to be honest, I am dry right now. I cried for a literal 20 minutes straight last night in all of my disappointment, excitment, goodbyes, and stresses. I am losing some relationships, gaining other relationships, and possibly gaining a lot more responsibility than I have ever had.

I am absolutely bottomed out on emotion. My next post is gonna be about something I don't have yet and wish to develop. DISCIPLINE!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Being poor

So I have a real problem with not having excess of things. That includes money, food, hair products, health, organization, drinks in the house, etc... This may sound crazy and it probably is crazy but it's something I have had a problem with since I was very young. I tend to hoarde (not in the sense of stacks and stacks of things piled up in my house) everything I buy. For instance, I have more shoes than I really need. Yes, this could be chalked up to the part of me that is rather feminine and loves shoes. I always feel like I am going to run out of things. For example, when I go to the store and buy ziploc bags; I always buy 3-4 boxes of them because I might run out and that causes me anxiety.

I am not sure where this anxiety of "running out" has come from but I grew up in a wealthy family where I got all of the things I needed and most of the things I wanted. It was within reason because my mother certainly did not just give in to every whim of my childhood desires and for that, I am glad. The one thing I always remember is that my mom (as we say in the midwest) "cooked for an army." When she made fried chicken, she would cook 10-12 boneless skinless breasts for a family of 5. When she made cheeseburgers, there would be 10 cheeseburgers for our family which indicated we each got 2, no matter how old we were at the time.

All that to say, it has created in me not only a weight problem but a problem with having the necessary things in my life. I can't just have what I need and live within my means that way. I tend to worry constantly about running out of things that I can easily go to the grocery store or Target and buy more of when I am out. If you saw my hall closet by the bathroom, you would ask yourself "Who needs 15 bottles of shampoo?" to hold them. I am not by any means some kind of style queen either who has to try all of the different shampoos. They are all completely full except for the one in the shower that I am currently using. I feel like a Costco as a person.

In my kitchen, you will notice we have about 20 different snacks because I might run out or get bored of the ones I have. I have cleaning products out the wazoo yet I only have a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. I have more diabetic supplies than CVS and most of the time, I don't even admit I have diabetes. What is wrong with me? There is something drastically wrong.

Now, this is coming up in my life in a way that leads me to think I need to work through it. I am getting ready to get married in 13 days from today. I am also transitioning to quitting my job on August 1st. This means our income will be cut in half. We made more than enough to pay all of our bills when we both worked full time. I am going to be working only part time from here on for the next year. We are going to have to cut back significantly on things such as food, electricity use, entertainment, phone use, etc... because those are the areas that can be cut unlike rent or car insurance.

Anthony is having no trouble at all doing this and says "I will do what needs to be done to make it work." I say the same thing but deep in the inner parts of me, I am anxious. Terribly anxious. I am nervous that I won't have enough to eat, that I won't have enough entertainment, that I will run out of things or things will break and I will be without. Now, there is an obvious correlation that I can think of when I realize that this problem has gotten out of hand. My mom was never much of a financial planner in the sense that she would work, get a paycheck, spend her paycheck and then run to my grandparents to pay the bills. When they died, her life got very unmanageable. Utilities were quickly turned off, our house was forclosed on, and she ended up in a two bedroom section 8 apartment, on food stamps, and public assisted everything.

She bounced more checks than cleared and she would fall back on "borrowing" money from me or my sisters to make ends meet. She would take handouts from anyone who would give them and for that, it was disgusting. I get anxious even thinking about being anything like that and needing others to take care of me. I am worried that with me not working and us not having "excess upon excess" that I am not being responsible enough and will end up in the place she is. Not literally but metaphorically.

All of this comes to a place for me where I need to begin praying about this and working on it in therapy. I am terribly uncomfortable with how it makes me feel and my heart is stunted in my relationship with Anthony as my anxiety turns to anger and frustration and then causes difficulities in what will be our marriage. I want to be Proverbs 31 in whatever way I can but this is not one of her qualities..I am sure!

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today. I am exhausted thinking about this but thanks for reading.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Burn out

Have you ever given your entire self to something and really dedicated yourself to it just to be underappreciated and treated like you were never faithful. Today, I got that treatment when taking a day off from work. In just 7 work days (9 days if you count weekends) I will be done with my obligation to the nanny position. In 4 years, I have taken maybe a total of about 10 sick days. I have worked most holidays excluding Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have also allowed my job description to change drastically while my pay changed minimally. I have taken on being a mom when I got hired as a Nanny. I have been a friend and confidant in times of trouble, I have done things that were beyond my comfort zone and not quit over them but simply talked them out. I have been a faithful employee and all because I missed two days in a row, I am "slacking off" and "abusing our relationship."

This all came as a shock to me today and really made me feel badly about myself most of the afternoon. I refuse to allow it to continue to make me feel that way. I know what I have done for this family. I know the sacrifices I have made at times to help out. I know that I have not been able to give my school work the attention it deserves because I was practically doing the child's homework with encouragement from the father to do so. I have been blamed for things that a 15 year old has done and to be honest, I am burned out on being treated with disrespect.

Because I am a woman of my word, I will finish strong with these last 7 days and then I will celebrate and rest knowing that my job was well done and was left at the right moment. God help me finish this the way you would want me to!


Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm Engaged!!!

Anthony asked me to marry him on July 14, 2008!!!! We are so excited. The wedding is happening in just 19 days from today on August 9th in Vegas with a few close friends and family. We are going to have a big ceremony In August of next year most likely after I have graduated and can focus more! It will be a renewal of vows with the whole deal! :) Here are a few pics of my ring too!