Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The work begins.

As I pondered the new year, I have thought of several dozen things I would really like to work on in me. I know that as my years come and go I will find things about myself that are really great, things that need work, and things I didn't even know about. I know I will find patterns that don't work, communication styles that need revamped, and relationships that need roto-rootered. That is the lovely part about only being 26. I was talking today to someone I really respect who is coming up on their 60th birthday on Friday. She is literally one of my mentors, heros, and almost like a mother to me. She has helped God in molding me into the woman I am to become in the long run. She has encouraged me, prayed with and for me, and mostly driven me onto being more than I was raised to be. In saying that, I only hope I am 1/2 as wise as her when I am 60.

I have decided that the new project is to start working on these things one at a time and not overwhelm myself. This means I will take one weakness of mine and blog it to death. I will modify my behavior, work on my emotions that surround it, find out why I do it, and try to overcome it or accept it as a personality characteristic. Sometimes I will have to just accept it might be something I struggle with forever.

The first thing that pops into my mind when I think of my authentic weaknesses is Inconsistency!!

This covers just about every single facet of my life including but not limited to; my diet, my weight, my health practices, my motivation and drive, my academics, my work ethic, my moral obligations, my ethical guidelines, my Bible reading, my prayer life, my church attendance, my kindness in relationships, my friendship levels, my blogging, and even down to my water intake. I know that this is a serious problem in my character and life and shapes me in so many ways as well as adds stress to my life.

My first step to recovery in this area is to really assess where I do this and how I do it. I think I will start in the most important place: My spirituality!

Quiet Time: This is an area where I really struggle. I need to build a habit of first having about 15-20 minutes of quiet time every day.

Prayer Life: This is an area where I do better but only when I really NEED God and not just to grow in my relationship; I am going to commit to prayer each day, there will be no time limit and no restrictions. This is to create a more welcome prayer life as opposed to strict guidelines I won't hold to.

Bible Reading: I am going to commit to the one year bible this year and try to just digest the Bible a little at a time so that I can truly get God's word.

Church Attendance: I have been really horrible about this so I know I need to start at the beginning. I am going to commit to going to church once a month through 2007.

These things are #1 on my list to really try to be consistent in. I want them so badly that I will do anything to build the habits of being in HIS presence. I am going to see if I can just do this and let myself slide on some other items until I get my footing in this most important one. I am not sure this will solve my inconsistency problem but I want my relationship with God to be a priority. I am going to start this immediately so that I can begin to feel strong in my faith first.

I will be reporting on how this is going first until I really learn how to be completely consistent in one area of my life. I will start this tonight when I have some time to myself. I won't be attending church until the new year since I am going to Indiana but the other things are going to be happening.

I really love my blog because it gives me a place to kind of throw everything out and think it through.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Being introspective

Tonight I was sitting in my room reflecting after a good day that turned a bit bad. Today was Anthony's 26th birthday and it went wonderfully. We celebrated with gifts, a movie, a cake, and lunch at Buca De Beppos! We enjoyed some really intimate time together and enjoyed each other's company so very much. We shared some Fettucini Alfredo with chicken, red peppers, and broccoli as well as a sampler of all different kinds of baked pastas and some great fresh bread with olive oil and vinegar. It was an amazing meal with an amazing man. We finished our meal and headed to target to create our awesome greeting cards on the digital picture thing. They are way cute and if you are reading this, you are probably getting a copy. I am very proud of them. We are so happy together and for once in my life, I love back. I am so excited about our future and every step we take together is such a monumental time and an enjoyment.

Later on in the evening, I had someone really violate my personal business. I can't really go into details on here and describe what happened nor who did it, but I can say that I am terribly angered, hurt, and annoyed by this violation. They not only attacked my personal character, my work ethic, and my spirituality but also my relationship with Anthony which is a place where noone is welcome to tread. This relationship is the first thing I have done right in years and I am proud of it, protective of it, and all about being focused on keeping it sacred.

Needless to say, I am a little bit introspective today because when you have a wonderful day, you already just think a lot about your life. I have been thinking about how special it is to be with Anthony. I have been thinking about how amazing it is to look at rings with him, think about the future, and dream together. Also, since this other "event" happened tonight, I have had time to ponder the things about me that this person has attacked. I have been thinking about how I can clean up my character, my work ethic, my spirituality, and my relationship with Anthony. I should say, this person was completely incorrect in their assessment of me but either way, I am hoping I don't reflect any of this. I am really hurting, angry, and tired of this person and their opinions.

Tonight I sat down with my journal and started to think. I wrote down my strengths and weaknesses first. I am really unhappy with many areas of my life just like many people are I am sure. I am also entirely proud of some of the growth that has happened in my life in the last 6 years now. Since a fateful day in my life, I have powered through making changes and really fought against some of the things I was raised in. I have set up boundaries, made good choices, pursued my dreams, accomplished some serious goals, and established a healthy romantic relationship. I want to give myself the credit I am due but some of me is really disappointed in myself and can't stop thinking about the failures that have surrounded all of these successes.

Tonight, I am going to journal a little more and pray over these things so much to see where God wants to take me in this journey. I know I have come far but I really hope there are more places to go. This new year, I am not making resolutions but true and solid goals with steps and plans to accomplish them! I love myself enough to see it and work through it.


Sunday, December 17, 2006

Happy Birthday to the man that completes me

Today is my Prince's birthday. Anthony is turning 26 today and I am so blessed to have him in my life to share it with him. I am in love people and God has truly given me the world. I hope he knows just how much I adore him. He makes my life better and more than that, makes me better! I love you babe and Happy Birthday!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

A new year on the horizon.

So it's almost 2007! I can't believe how quickly this year went and how many crazy things happened and how many great things happened and how many things I learned. I thought it would be good to start reflecting on 2006 and start looking forward to 2007 and the changes it will bring. I have had a very hard day today that included a job problem, a school problem, and friendship issues. I have no idea why this day happened but I am ending it by being in a contemplative mood about my life and what I want out of it. Here are some things I thought I would jot down.

Things I have learned in 2006:

-- Bigots will be bigots even if you try to educate them.

-- Fighting with someone who is in ignorance is only a way to stoop to their level.

-- Sometimes when you go home, it isn't home anymore.

--Letting go is the hardest part of truly loving someone.

--Losing someone over money is not worth it.

--There are some people who will NEVER change and I must accept that.

--Love comes when you least expect it and when you can't take any more fakes.

--I can wear a dress and I don't look horrible in it.

--I have good features that draw others to me and I won't let people tell me I don't.

--Hearing negative feedback is not easy for me but I would rather hear it then miss the point.

--I was good enough for Grad School.

--There is a diagnosis that made my childhood hard.

--There were a lot of lies given to me about my father and I am happy to get them debunked.

--Someone loves me for me and I don't blame him, I have become someone I am proud of.

That's all I have to say I have learned up until now but I am sure there are hundreds more where that came from. The next list is the things I really want to accomplish in 2007 (ideally)

1. Develop a relationship with God that is completely mine and sort out what I believe and think about Him.

2. Read the Bible through again.

3. Find a church home and attend faithfully.

4. Go to all doctor appointments and accept diabetes.

5. Learn how to maintain diabetes in the best way possible.

6. Lose weight (not a specific amount)

7. Start and continue a work out plan for my life.

8. Eat better (PERIOD)

9. Create a budget that works to get debts paid off.

10. Pay off all debt besides student loans by December 31, 2007.

11. Create a savings account and accumulate at least $1,000 savings

12. Attend therapy for myself and find a couples therapist.

13. Deal with key issues in therapy and start to really be more open and authentic in relationships.

14. Be slow and deliberate in how I love Anthony.

15. Develop close and intimate girl friendships and do not focus on male friendships.

16. Enjoy reading again and really develop a strong literary base.

17. Take up a sport that i enjoy and play it for fun and fitness.

18. Do one nice thing for myself per month that is not about food.

19. Have one date with Erica per month.

20. Do all reading for Grad School and prepare for classes adequately.

21. Create a time schedule for my life that prohibits procrastination.

22. Attend all classes and ask questions when I am confused.

23. Join study groups and be involved with classmates in Grad School to get full experience.

24. Be in close contact with academic advisor, physician, professors, and therapists to create the best learning environment.

25. Find a practicum site that utlizes my talents and also challenges my weaknesses.

26. Pray each day for my relationship, my education, career, job, and otherwise

27. Learn to listen better!!!!!

28. Be more gentle in my speech.

29. Work on taking negative feedback better and accepting it in love.

30. Explore my female side better this year and learn more about it.

31. Learn black history to the best of my ability.

32. Learn at least beginning spanish.

33. Keep up with home life when doing school.

34. Do the best I can with my job for Chris.

35. Be honest in all of my endeavors with others.

36. Be ethical in all that I do, and moral.

37. Start to really allow myself the dreams of a wedding and a future.

38. Make concrete plans for my health in preparing to have children.

39. Be a better friend in every way.

40. Strive to be the best Erica I can possibly be each day!!!!

That's it so far!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


My family life continues to amaze me and yet, not really. Today I got another call from the family saying that my mom has severely lost her mind. I don't think she's ever been ok. I don't think she will ever take responsibility or gain self. I don't think she will ever take care of her truly! I have lost my faith in her recovery but I have gained my faith in my savior to be with me through it.

Today, I went to school and gave a presentation that I didn't think I had the strength for. I presented and I presented well! I am proud of myself no matter what she is! No matter who she is. No matter who she thinks I am! I am coping with the loss of a mother I never had!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Old loves part II

So I was speaking before about old loves and first loves. I was talking about reading and softball so I decided to talk about the book I just picked up a few days ago. I just started a book called "Alentejo Blue" by Monica Ali which was on Oprah's summer reading list. I am about to start the book club list but this book will be first. I have tried to make time this weekend to watch tv, read fun literature, do homework, hang out with the boyfriend, talk with friends, etc... While that is true, I found that I was getting rather lazy about my body. I am eating what I want to eat, not exercising, and not really taking care of my medications properly so tomorrow I am back in diabetic action. I am going to find out about insurance, take medications, work on my eating plan, and work out. I don't want to lose my first love, which is me!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Recapturing my first loves.

Today I was thinking about my first loves. Not the boys that captured my heart when I was young and made it go pitter patter. Not the celebrities like Michael Jackson that had me doing the moonwalk and wearing only one glove. I am talking about the things that I truly enjoy. We all come into the world as someone. We come in with an attitude, a personality, interests, passions, dreams, goals, and desires. We obviously develop these over time and learning things but the thing that mostly I think is that we are hardwired from God as well. I truly believe that I was truly ERICA the minute I was conceived. I am me and I am totally not able to be replicated. I think that this is GREAT and I am happy to be me. I was thinking today that I truly need to get back to my true loves.

Anthony is the love of my life in so many ways. He is a man who makes me blush when he says I am beautiful. He is the man who makes my stomach have butterflies when I haven't seen him for a bit and I miss him and I am about to see him. He is the man who makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and tears form at my eyes. He is the man whose voice makes me smile just with hello. He is the man who I hate hurting and I am uneasy the minute I do.

There are other loves in my life like my sisters and a love I can't even explain. I want to protect them from everything. I love my friends and I can't even begin to say the things I wish they had in their lives. I love Christmas and traditions of love and gift-giving and carol singing. I love Vanguard and how the minute I stepped on campus, it became home. I love a great breakfast in the quiet of the morning. I love biscuits and gravy and the way they make me full and help me nap. I love a really great sleep that makes you feel new when you wake.

I love a lot of things and the love is different but what I was thinking about getting back to is doing the THINGS I love doing. One of the ones that formed at my mind immediately was reading and good literature. I decided to join Oprah's book club and start reading things that I make myself feel guilty for reading because it isn't school related. I used to escape with books and at the library when I was younger and being abused in my home. Books were my escape. I am choosing today to get back to that and start reading for fun again. I really loved that!

I loved softball so much when I was younger. I would go across the street and throw the ball against a wall by myself just to play catch. I would wear my uniform on days when I didn't even have a game. I loved being at bat and seeing my cleet marks in the dirt. I loved the crack of the bat and the smell of hot dogs from the concession stand. I loved shaking hands with the opposing team and saying good game and heading to the concessions for a snow cone. I truly loved softball. I want to start working on getting my game back by working on my skills again so next year I can join a league.

I loved so many things when I was young and it's a good start to getting back to those things. I am going to start thinking about what I truly and relive those loves yet again while building on them and starting to have new loves like scrapbooking, psychology, organizing, dvd tv series, movies, museums, walks in the cemetary, working out, being healthy, and being Erica!

Thanks for stopping in and reading my rantings.