Sunday, November 28, 2004

Back home again

Hey everyone. I write tonight from my beautiful home in California. I am still feeling like I should be at home with my family. I am only here for about 26 more days before I am back in Indiana again but either way, I am still longing to be with my family. I was only in Indiana for about 6 days after a drastically terrible plane ride there. I flew out on Friday the 19th and was landing in Chicago for a short (yeah right) lay over. It was supposed to be an hour or so and I ended up being there for about 3 before we got onto the plane. When we were up in the air for only 20 minutes, the pilot came on and said our wings had iced up. We had to make an emergency landing back at Chicago Mid-way where we spent another hour before being loaded onto a cold, smelly bus for the next 4.5 hours into Indianapolis. Unreal!!!!!!

That was the nightmare part but overall I had a great time in Indiana. When I first got there I went with my little sister and her boyfriend *Dan Dan the Cowboy Man* to my favorite Indiana restaurant Golden Gables. Golden Gables is the redneck hangout. Gotta love it! I had a big helping of Biscuits and Gravy and had to keep my eyes open to go and get my rental car. My rental car was supposed to be a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix but when I got there it ended up being a 2005 Buick La Sabre! That's too funny to even comprehend. I should have had to have a handicap placard to drive it. I didn't have enough energy to even care at this point because I needed to get down to Mitchell and surprise my family.

I got to my house at around 9:45 in the morning on Saturday. My older sister, Hilliary, who knew I was coming answered the door to tell me that my mom and little sis, Britt, were still asleep. We decided I would be their wakeup call. I went and woke up mom first and she was very shocked to see me. I then woke up Britt to tell her I would be going to see her in her school play that night. She was so excited and I spent the rest of the day being around them and enjoying their company. I also went to Jarrid's work and saw him. It was great to see his face again and spend about an hour with him.

Saturday night I went to see Britt's play and she was absolutely amazing. I am going to be posting some newspaper articles about it onto her page on my web-site. She played a drunk lady named Gay Wellington in the play "You can't take it with you." She was great! I had a great time watching her and beaming with pride afterwards while she got compliments over and over on her performance. Saturday night was ended with a walk with Jarrid. I went to get him at his house and he was all dressed up in a tie and everything. I was pretty lucky. He is a cutie! We then went for a walk and ended the night with a great talk.

Sunday was Jarrid's birthday day with me. We went up to bloomington to the mall and shopped around. We had a great time and you can see pictures of it on Jarrid's 3rd page on my web-site. We went out to dinner at Outback and went to Barnes and Noble after that. We ended the night by watching Antoine Fisher and doing personality tests. My idea of a great night.

Monday I spent the afternoon working out with my dad at the new gym in Bedford. I walked/jogged one mile on the treadmile, did 6 miles on the bike and worked arms and legs a bit also. We had a good time and then in the evening I spent it with my family *mom, hill, britt, and tasha* over dinner. We had fried chicken and mashed potatoes which is good Indiana eating. Overall a great night and I ended up getting a new rental car on Monday (a 2003 Pontiac Grand Am) Good change if I do say so myself.

Tuesday was a good day as well. I went to the gym to work out with Dad and ended up spending the evening at his house having a great dinner that Jane prepared for us. It was really good and we watched "Cheaper by the dozen" until I was about to pass out. I met Jarrid down at my house later that night and we went for a walk and a drive and talked a lot of stuff out. We had a great time as always!

Wednesday was a wonderful day in that I worked out in the afternoon and then went out with my friend Travis in the evening. In the morning/afternoon I went over and surprised my friend Carrie by coming to her house and hanging out for a few hours. I got to see the girls and play with them and of course see my favorite girl-Carrie and talk with her. She is thinking of coming out to Cali so I am stoked about that! Travis and I went to an amazing dinner at Scholars in Bloomington and talked through a great drive together. I got home that evening and hung out with my older sis for a while before heading to bed.

Thursday was Thanksgiving so it was obvious that I would spend it with family. I spent the afteroon with mom, hill, and britt and the food as always was completely awesome. We had a great day and there was no drama. Later in the evening I went to my dad's house to hang out a bit. I stayed for about 3 hours and we just had finger foods and talked and watched some old footage of my dad in his band.

Friday was my last day in Indiana so I wanted to make it count. We *me, mom, britt, and Jarrid* went down to Spring Mill State Park and walked and took pictures. We also went out to Lunch at Arby's and had a great time just laughing and being a family. Jarrid is like family to us. We then went back to my house and chilled for a while before I had to meet my dad at the car rental place to go to the airport. I left Indiana on Friday night at about 8:30 p.m. I had an amazing time with my family and Friends!

I am back to California now and completely ready for the things which lie ahead. I have a busy week ahead with plenty of work to do. I have to put as many hours as possible into work as I need the funds when I go home in December. I am also putting some work into Graduate School applications this week as I would like to get my app to Vanguard in before Jan. 1st. I would also like to work out a lot this week as my weight has plateued at 236 lbs. I am very frustrated with this as I worked out the whole time I was home. I also ate very badly since it was all Indiana food though and I really need to get back on the weight loss train. It's a hard thing to stay on.

I am trying to get very focused on my spiritual life and self-improvement so I am reading a lot and studying scripture and focusing on staying on track. Overall I just know that God has so much healing for me since there was even a huge difference as I came home. Things are just not the same. I love my family and my friends but I am trying to be a different person than the Erica who left Indiana. I am proud of me and totally ready to be all that God wants from me. It's a hard trek but noone promised it would be easy. I am currently reading a book that Claudia Degelman loaned me called "The gift of being yourself" by David Benner and it's an incredible read. I would recommend it to anyone who is trying to change by knowing yourself and knowing God.

I have a few notes to people in thanks before I step out for the day so here goes....

Tasha, Dan, and Kristen: Thanks for bearing with me in the plane ride to Indiana. I appreciate you all coming to get me and I will never forget it. Tasha I love and appreciate you keeping my secret, Dan you are hilarious and I appreciate your help and your being good to Tasha, and Kristen, so sorry sweety for the way the night went and hope you are feeling much better.

Mom: Thanks for always making home available. Thanks for being happy and proud of me when I come home! I love you so much and can't wait to spend Christmas with you!

Dad: Thanks for taking me to the airport and working out with my lazy butt in Indiana. I love you and I am praying for you. Can't wait for Christmas workouts!

Hill: Thanks for keeping my secret and thanks for making me cookies. I knew you loved me boss!

Britt: You are truly amazing. Great job in the play! I love you and thanks for loving me back. Thanks for taking absurd pictures with me and always being a fun and wonderful best friend!

Jarrid: Love of my life, you are truly a wondeful blessing to me. Thanks for being the best guy friend that ever graced the planet. You are exquisite and don't you forget it. By the way, I still think you are HOT! *I said hot..tee hee*

Carrie: I love you my dear. Thanks for making the cutest little girls in the world. I am sorry I busted in on you on a bad day but I am so glad I got to see you. I love you all dearly and pray for you daily. You are such a blessing. I can't wait to hang out @ christmas!

Travis: You are my favorite friend! Thanks for the amazing dinner and even more amazing company. I missed you and love you so much. Good luck on your move and know I will always love and pray for you. I am hoping to get there sometime during Christmas and see your new digs! I love you fazz!

Josh: Thanks for picking me up at the was so sweet of you! I won't forget it.

Heather: Thanks for coming to hold down the fort in the car when Josh goes the wrong way! You are the best!

Overall, I just love you Indiana folks and let's be honest my California folks too. Special word to Joel: I love you for keeping track of me while I was gone and caring about my progress. You really are the most amazing man I will ever know or love. Thanks for everything gorgeous! By the way, you really are amazing!

I love you all and hope that your Thanksgiving was as precious as mine. I have never been more thankful!

Friday, November 19, 2004

Theres no place like home

I AM SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW! I am so ready for this day. Big surprise today, I am leaving for Indiana and it's a surprise to my whole family. I won't be posting most likely just due to being home and chilling with my family. Have a great Thanksgiving people and be great to those you love this Turkey Day! ~Shalom~

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Life is short

Hello everyone. Today I come to you not knowing exactly how to write a post about death but I need to. A girl that I grew up playing softball with, playing with, etc...passed away on Sunday night. She was involved in a one car accident and didn't make it through it. Her name is Cristen Rayhill *Chapman now*. She was very close to me as a kid and it makes me so sad to think about her parents losing her at the young age of 22. She has brothers and sisters also so please be in prayer for her family. I am defintely sad for them and praying.

Through this I really learned that time is so short and you should take advantage of every moment you have with those you love. That makes a decision I made recently make all the sense in the world. God really does lead and guide our steps if we will just allow him to. Today I was able to spend my day with the man I love. I know that is pretty heavy to say THE man I love but let's be honest, if you are reading this, you know who I am talking about. Looking death in the face I realized that there is no fear in me loving him. There is only fear of never loving him. I have decided that is what I am going to do. Granted, I can't make anyone love me but I can do the best job I can loving others.

Today, I wanted to tell all of you, although I already did my thanksgiving speech, how much I truly love you and my life would not be the same without all of you. You are all precious and your lives are precious to me. I know that a few other people in my life have just experienced a death so you know about the feelings I am feeling right now.

In saying that, MAN I LOVE, just know my heart is yours. I don't care if you want it or don't long as I love you correctly now and as long as my heart stays that way. Thank you for a lovely day together and your wonderful friendship. I can't even begin to tell you how great each moment is in your presence. You inspire me! *nuff said*

Ok, well with all of that said today, I love you guys and please pray for the Rayhill family! ~Shalom Always~

Sunday, November 14, 2004


Well my friends, it is almost Turkey day and as the week starts, I am not sure if I am going to have time to do this so I have decided to do my thanksgiving post today. I am going to write an entire post of what I am grateful for in each of you! I hope you all read this and know that I care greatly for all of you. Have a great day and enjoy the read:

Mom -- Thanks for raising me to be a strong, self sufficent woman. Thank you for providing for my basic needs and telling me I could do ANYTHING I wanted to.

Hill--*Boss*--Thanks for being a true big sister and beating me up when I needed it. Mostly thanks for being my partner in crime *wink wink*

Tasha -- Thanks for the last year and being a shoulder for me at times. I appreciate that a lot. Also, quite the partner in crime!

Britt-butt -- is there even enough space?? Thanks for being my best friend in the entire world. You are quite a buddy! Thanks for being the reason I make smart decisions and giving me a reason to be an example. Thanks for bringing music into my life and laughter mostly. Thanks for being my twin! I couldn't do this world without you!

Dad -- Thanks for the last couple of years and learning how to become my father. I appreciate the strength it took to bite the bullet on that. Thanks for starting to take care of yourself so I have more of you to see!

Joel *my dear dear Joel* -- Thank you for being the best --non family-- friend I have. You are magnificent. Timeless, genius, and the list goes on. Thanks for so many great times and the many more I plan to have with you. Thank you for making me a better Erica and at times making me cry to get there.

Adolfo-- Thanks for 6 great years and for your continuing friendship to me. You are an amazing man and she is so lucky to have hooked you. Thanks for everything you have made me realize and the thousands of things you have forgiven

Jarrid -- Thanks for being Mr. Tightpants. Thanks for the movies, mac and cheese, hot dogs, and mostly tuesdays! Thank you for always understanding me and being my rock!

Carrie -- thanks for lots of high school memories and even more now a days. Thanks for bringing those two beautiful little ones into my life and thanks for being an inspiration as to what a mother really is

Heather B. -- Thanks for knowing everything about me and still liking me. Thank you for always checking up on me and always knowing I want to know about you. Thanks for research help until I die! ha ha Thanks for reminding me also it's not what you come from but what you become

Pammy -- thanks for tons of back room talks. Thanks for amazing food, great advice, and being my mom when I had none around. Thanks for being my friend mostly and always knowing where everything is. Yellow Pages are great!

Shirley --- thanks for the advising, laughs, mentoring, and mostly friendship. Thank you for showing me not only where dendrites are but how a human heart loves its best. Thank you for amazing classes, hilarious stories, and resilience that the world knows nothing of. You are amazing!

Claudia -- Thank you for caring about me! Thank you for staying up on my life. Thank you for an amazing semester in Methods and mostly your continued friendship

Hannah -- thanks for challening me friend! Thanks for keeping me accountable and making me laugh. Thanks for being a shoulder and someone to whom I can gush about a special boy!

Heather -- Thanks for being a super roommate. Thanks for standing up for me when it was a hard time. Thanks for always being there.

Josh -- Thanks for being my male counterpart. Thanks for being everything I am and more. Thanks for saying what needs to be said!

Gary -- Thanks for the great job and being a great boss. Thanks for our little talks and our laughs. Thanks for your flexibility and understanding and for bringing a new dimension into my life

Leslie -- Thanks to you new mentor. You are amazing and I am so sure of your influence in my life. Thanks for being an example of a woman after God's heart. Thank you for standing up for you and being strong!

Richard -- Thanks for the great place to live and sharing your little one with me. I love living here and having a place to call home

Christopher -- where do I begin. Thank you for being the kid I never wanted. ha ha. Thank you for teaching me the most important lessons in life. Thank you for being funny when I need it and challening the very bounds of my patience. Thank you for being the most adorable kid in the world and being sweet when I am learning!

Judy -- thanks for being the housing super hero but mostly for being my friend.


Jesus Christ--- I stand in awe of you Father. You are truly amazing. I am so grateful to know you and have invited into my heart. Thank you for making me into the woman I want to be. Thank you for all of the above people and the traits that you have engrained in me through them. Thank you for your love, salvation, blood, and strength that drives me. Thank you for dying so brutally on a cross for my salvation. Thank you for being my father when I had none. Thank you for being my comforter, my boyfriend, my friend, my home, my life. Thank you for wrapping your arms around me when the world walks out. All of the above people can let me down but you alone God ....are perfect. Thank you for the man I love, the friends I have, and the family I have been placed in. You alone are my desire father. Lord, thank you for one more day to share with my loved ones. To you lord...I sing:

I stand I awe of you
I stand I awe of you
Holy God to whom ...all praise is due
I stand in awe of you!

Stand in awe of him everyone and Happy Thanksgiving!

To all of you who don't have a spot are affecting my life but I have no more memory left. I am hoping I tell you everyday how much you mean to me. Keep on keeping on everyone and don't forget to show people you're thankful this year! ~Shalom~

Friday, November 12, 2004

Let me just tell ya......

The title of today's blog is one of what my friends *Heather and Joel* would call "Ericaisms." I often start a sentence or lengthy story with "Let me just tell ya..." Today I am starting one of those stories. Let me just tell ya that I am SICK of trying to lose weight. I am taking a giant step today in telling you all how I am feeling about being overweight. This is something that has torn me up for years. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel. I started losing weight in 2001 when Adolfo cancelled our wedding and I thought it was because I resembled a giant marshmallow in my wedding gown. I came to find out that it wasn't the weight that made Adolfo not marry was me. That is sad and depressing to say but that kid didn't even care that I weighed *not kidding* 336 lbs. I started out by just working out a little because a little is more than nothing. I did 30 minutes of Richard Simmons a day and I started eating a little differently. I cut out soda altogether and somewhat cut down portion size.

I have lost quite a bit of weight up to today. I got down as low as 224 in August. I was stoked. Well, lately I have experienced a little bit of a problem. I keep weighing in on Saturday to find myself gaining weight. I am back up to 238 and I am scared. I run every night and/or walk and I eat relativelyl healthy. I still don't drink soda and I try to limit my intake of bad items. However, lately I have been having a hard time losing and an even harder time with emotional eating. Tonight I realized how sick I am of being fat. I hate it every single day of my life. I should note here that I love myself. I love how I have a cute face and a great personality and make friends very easily. I love that boys like me even if I am chubby but let's be serious *another Ericaism* ...I can't stand it anymore. I hate the way my pants cut off my circulation, I hate the way I can't really enjoy myself at the beach with a swimsuit on, I hate how the man I love is perfect...and I am not! I hate how I feel around him. That being said, I am in despair about my weight and figured that someone out there would read this..and understand

I am starting over once again as most people who struggle with weight have to. I am going out walking/running tonight and comitting to an exercise plan all next week, drinking only water, cutting out any pork products, white bread, and sweets. I am so scared that I am going to get back up to 300 lbs overnight and never lose this plague around my middle. I am so sad about this and tomorrow is weigh in and it doesn't look good. I am still wearing the smaller clothes but not comfortably. Please pray for me people ...I want this more than I want anything in life. I should go now and walk but have a great night and eat for me since I won't be doing much of that any time soon! ~shalom and FAT BE GONE~

Monday, November 08, 2004


Hello everyone. I will explain the strange choice of title today but not until I cover how amazingly good God is. God is so great to me and teaches me beyond what I could ever imagine him to teach me. I spent this weekend in a phase of life’s classroom. I wept more than I have ever wept in my life this weekend. I grieved things that I didn’t even know made me sad. I cried out to God on issues that have been spanning years of time. I spent my Saturday feeling somewhat alone but intimately close to my Savior.

I, for the first time in a long time, really opened myself up to feel things that I was scared to feel before. I know where I am with God and I know where my heart is and what it desires. I am feeling more secure in His presence than I ever have. As I stated the other day in a post, I used to be very co-dependent upon other people in my life. I have no problem with friendships, romantic relationships, or family ties but I certainly feel very strongly about having a very personal and intimate time with your savior and learning that His love is sufficient for you. Healthy relationships are not co-dependent!!!

That being said, it’s time to explain the word INTERMISSION. Back in the day when movies were really long and good…*Like Gone with the wind* they had intermissions in them so you could stretch, get something to eat, go to the bathroom, and things of that nature. I am a supporter of the “intermission” and think it has lost its place in society. We can watch Harry Potter without blinking an eye …much less going to the potty! This post isn’t about movie intermissions but LIFE intermissions. I was thinking about this today and I came upon this idea.

This weekend I experienced what I believe to be a life intermission. The idea of intermission is that there is more movie to come and you are waiting to see what the ending is. It wouldn’t be good to give an intermission during the first 5 minutes of the movie, nor would it be good to give an intermission and not come back. There is always something waiting on the other side of intermission. The unwrapping of some huge story will be after that blank screen. I believe that God and I are in intermission.

I am in a place where I have NO idea what God is doing. He is “setting the stage” for something HUGE. I have no idea where he is taking me but I know it’s exciting. I have no idea what is going to happen in my career but I am stoked about seeing it come about. I don’t know whom I am going to marry but he is perfect for me and God is really working on him too! I don’t know what is going to come of Christopher or my job at Richmond but God is truly working. He literally communicates with me in analogies because I tend to understand better. This is the analogy that we ,me and God, came up with.

Intermission is defined in several different ways and I thought I would jot those down and show you all what God was saying to me (I might be called to preaching!) ha

Here are the definitions and how they relate….

The act of suspending activity temporarily – I am always in “activity” in some way or another. This was a great lesson to me because it refers to suspending activity temporarily and that is exactly what God wants to do with me sometimes. I am so busy at times that I forget that my most important relationship is the one I have with Him. Intermission is a necessity at times in the walk with Christ. That is how God used intermission first and foremost in our little time together.
A time interval during which there is a temporary cessation of something – I think the part that really matters in this definition is TIME. I wrote about time a few posts ago and it is still so important today. Time is essential in a complete walk with God. Making time for God is not the idea…making time for other things while giving your life to God is the task at hand. We need to sometimes have a temporary cessation of SOMETHING. That is what is so amazing about God, He will help us make time for other things if we rest in Him!

There are other definitions for this word but I figure you are probably getting it now. God has me in intermission and I am just resting and stretching and relieving myself with Him in my company. We are slowly learning how to walk together because I am a slow learner…but catching up. Thanks for reading my long winded post today and I love you all very much ~Shalom~

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Lost, Empty, Alone, Scared, PERFECT

Have you ever suffered greatly and knew it was the most perfect thing for you? I am doing that right now. Today is Saturday and I am sitting at home as usual resting up from a hard week. Today I woke up after a horrible dream crying my eyes out and wishing to not be alive. I should note here that I am not suicidal so please don't worry. I immediately called someone I love and talked things out with them. I feel very lost, empty, alone, and scared right now, hence the title of today's post. These feelings are scary for me but at the same time, needed. In my relationship with God in the past, I have never really depended on Him totally because there was always SOMEONE around to depend on. I used to depend on Adolfo a lot and my family and maybe a few guy friends. These people were my salvation so why do I need Jesus?

Lately I have focused greatly on my spiritual and mental health and God has led me to a place of alone time. He has greatly encouraged me toward being alone right now and that He will take care of the rest. I am learning to trust that God has the perfect person set aside for me and he is making him into the man of God he needs to be while I am being made into the woman I need to be. It is so hard in today's culture not to focus on romantic love. I have had a few instances this week where I could have completely settled and I didn't. I am really missing companionship and romantic love but I find that there are times that I am not missing it at all but dwelling in the safety of only "dating" Jesus right now.

I have been single for only 9 months and I have found out so much about myself. I have learned who I am and what I have to offer that beautiful man that God is creating. I have narrowed the search and figured out what it is that I am "looking" for. I have defined the weaknesses in me and started working on fixing them. I have declared my own dreams and taken steps to achieve them. I have found my hobbies and spend time doing them. I have learned the value of silence and wallowed in it at times. I have felt the strength of being at your weakest and still loving where you are. I am happy to say that 9 months later, God has remade me and is continuing to do so every single minute of every single day.

Today the plan is to go running, eat healthy, work on my grad school apps, read my Bible, stand up for something I believe in, and love my friends and family. I need to remember what is important to me. I am so focused on getting better that I am allowing myself to get worse. I don't want to be depressed. This isn't a time to wallow and hurt but to stand up and be joyful at all that God is doing. I am becoming a woman I can be proud of.

Next week holds a few exciting things for me. I am going out to a few lunch dates with friends and catching up with people I love. I am working as usual but making time for me. My mom will be 48 on Thursday and my older sister will be 29. Happy Birthday Mom and Boss! I love you both very much and thanks for always being around. You are the only two who always have been and always will be! I am so lucky!

Well I love you all very much and my apologies to a certain man today as I had to make a very hard decision. I apologize truly! Have a beautiful day all and I am praying for you. Please do the same for me! ~Shalom~

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

No Settling!

God is so amazing I cannot even begin to tell you. He is doing this amazing transformation in me as most of my posts are telling about. Tonight I went out running and it was magnificent. I ran a little more than I am used to and my heart was pounding so hard. I love the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement and pushing myself just a little harder each day. It's a very hard task for me as I have been over 200 lbs overweight for a long time. Since I have lost the 112 lbs I have learned that exercise is not the enemy but one of my best friends. I wish the rest of the weight was already off but I am patiently just sticking to the plan and hoping all will pan out.

The subject tonight is No Settling because I am finally to this point. In my life I have been one to settle for what is good for the moment. I have been known to settle on very stupid matters like a pair of shoes that are on sale although they aren't my favorite to something as huge as who I date. Today I realized that God has brought me to the point where I won't settle not even for convenience or comfort.

This specific post is having to do with dating. As you all know, I got out of a very long relationship in February of this year. I love Adolfo very much and will not use this forum to destroy or hurt him in any way. I left the relationship because we were both settling for having someone around to love and we cared very much for each other. Unforunately we both tore each other up daily through our actions because we did not match. We really did settle because we were physically attracted to each other, cared very much for each other, and had the longevity factor going for us.

Today I am one of those people that would honestly rather be alone than settle for less than God's best. I know that there are things I can't do without in a man. I know I can't settle for less than some of these things. I am not trying to say that if a man isn't exactly 5 foot 10 I won't date him but rather some pretty huge factors are being considered for once. I thought I would list my top ten on here to show you what I mean. Here are my 10 can't do without things that I will not date anyone without!

1. Must be a Christian and live that life
2. Must be willing to wait for sex until marriage
3. Must be passionate about something in life
4. Must have his own friends and go out with them also
5. Must be able to tell me NO
6. Must have a high self-esteem and care for himself greatly
7. Must care about his physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health
8. Must be a gentleman
9. Must have a sense of humor
10. Must be able to enjoy himself in a variety of ways

These things are crucial for me in any upcoming relationship and if they aren't there, neither am I. I think I have the right to stand up for what I really want or just be alone. I long for a certain relationship and I refuse to stand anywhere but where I need to in them. I am tired of being the "boss", tired of dealing with no passion, and mostly tired of people who say they are one thing and act like another. I want a man after God's own heart and that is bottom line. I know that right now I am experiencing love in my heart but I am praying that God will refine that love and clarify it for me. Too many people forget what they want ...really want..when a warm body comes around.

Please pray that God will keep me focused on not settling for anyhing but his best in all aspects of my life. Thank you all and have a great night ~Shalom~ *Happy Election Day*

Monday, November 01, 2004

Fear and how that affects me

Hey everyone. I am actually posting for yesterday right now because last night I went running down at Balboa and had this total great time with God and then when I came home to post, I never got around to it. I had a really great learning experience and wanted to journal about it almost immediately and I got sidetracked. I was so happy to get to get into my jogging pants and head off to the beach last night for some running time. I went down and stretched and busted out running/walking first.

After I ran/walked for a while I headed to this special place I have there where I sit on a concrete wall above some rocks looking onto the water and just poured my heart out to God. A lot of my prayers were focused around fear. Fear is a hard word to define for everyone I think and we are all afraid of so many things. My fears are a mixture of irrational and rational, stupid and quite intelligent, justifiable and completely unwarranted. Some things I am afraid of are very hard for me to talk about with anyone but the Lord and then others are so easy for me to be open about that I wonder if they have lost their sting.

Last night I mainly talked to God about my fear of being alone. I think all of the time how pleasant it was to be with Adolfo. I think about how nice it was to always have someone to eat dinner with, walk on the beach with, talk to before bed, cry to when I was hurting, and share my hugest dreams with. Now, I don't have that. I don't expect anyone reading this to feel sorry for me because I am aware that I left the relationship with Adolfo and I really shouldn't act like I was left.

What I am looking to explain is the feeling of being completely alone! I have felt very alone for the last 9 months and at times almost desperate for another person breathing to be near me. This has caused me to take on things I wouldn't normally take on. This has also caused me to sell myself short of all that God has for me. This has made me focus on things that I don't really care about and ignore the things that are more important to me. Overall fear has paralyzed me.

Recently I made a plan to stop needing people so much and realize my desperate need for God. I have fully realized how much I need the Lord and how much everyone else makes me feel alone. I have come to the conclusion that I have very unrealistic expectations for my friendships, romantic relationships, and even family relationships. I can't want so much and need so much right now. I need to realize that my ideal relationship to have someone near me and loving me is already there. I have that with the Lord.

I talked to God for about a half hour about everything I fear from the biggest of being alone forever to the smallest of not having enough money to buy a new car. There are fears in that list that don't make a lot of sense but I don't have to make a lot of sense to Jesus. He knows me! Overall, I poured my heart out and told God how scared I was and begged him to wrap his arms around me and hold me because I need to be held. I was held very dearly for 6 years and the man I loved so much, loved me better than I could ever love him.

Today, I wanted to first of all thank you Adolfo for the 6 years that you were my companion, friend, confidant, listener, and punching bag. I apologize for all I did to hurt you and wish the most happiness and joy that your life could possibly bring! I will always care very deeply and think very highly of you!

Secondly I want to remind all of you reading this that there is a perfect love relationship. That is the one between the Father and YOU! Learn everything you can about that relationship and you will understand how love is supposed to work. I am working on loving right now by learning from example. The example of how my heavenly Father loves me!

I felt like this lesson needed to be shared. I will be posting later on after my time with the Lord and my run in order to give you my learning experience for the day. I hope you all are doing great. More updates in the next post! Have a great night and ~Shalom~