Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Black Elephant in the Room

So the other night, Anthony and I were in the car and discussing some things that we have noticed about our marriage. I noticed that I have never really taken the time to write about what my irritations are in being in a biracial relationship. Now, most people will automatically assume that my irritations are about being married to Anthony and all of our cultural differences and on and on. No, not at all actually. My irritations are with white people in my life who say really thoughtless things and do really thoughtless things. This post is going to feel passive aggressive and for that, I apologize. There is no one specifically that I am pointing out for doing the following things but there are corporately a ton of people who have done these things. If you are one of the people who feels like this list may include you, I mean no harm but I hope that it helps you become a tad bit more sensitive to other's feelings on their privacy and their marital relationship.

Irritation # 1: The Myths!

I have heard this sentence from men and women alike and from people who know me very well and people who hardly know me at all..."Erica, are the myths true?" First of all, I will not begin to act like an idiot and not know what the "myths" they are talking about are yet I still make people voice them. If you are bold enough to get into my bedroom with my husband and myself, prepare to have a red face when you ask me if he is well endowed!! Secondly, I will not be answering that question. I would like you to take a moment and ask yourself how you would feel if I (a woman) came up to you (presumably a woman) and asked you what kind of heat your husband was packing??!! Do you want to slap me yet? Exactly! Also, please do not get mad when I do not let you in on whether black men perform oral sex or not. I have no intention upon putting visual images into your head about me or my husband in the privacy of our bedroom. This is not something you would ask a person married to a white man, so please don't ask me!

Irritation # 2: The second thing that really burns my biscuits and to be quite honest, makes me incredibly sad is when someone asks me or my parents "Are you okay with Erica marrying a black man?" Are you serious? I know a number of white women who are now divorced from their white husbands because that man has hit them, cheated on them, hit their children, etc... and yet they don't get asked that question. My mom has always told me it did not matter who I fell in love with as long as they treated me right because she was smart enough and street wise enough to know that there are awful people in every race plain and simple and Erica wasn't raised by a fool. I picked a man who makes my heart melt and treats me with so much respect, I start to think I am pretty great stuff! I wish all of my friends could have an Anthony....if only everyone in the world would figure out, my parents don't need to give me approval and they don't need yours either.

Irritation # 3: Here is a little hint, if every time I see you, you tell me how great it is that I married a black man and how "okay" you are with it. You are not okay with it! PERIOD. I will leave this one alone from here.

Irritation #4: I will just put the sentence here and speak on it for a minute "I worry about your kids, that they will be confused." This sentence translates to "I am confused and worried because you are threatening the way I think and feel...your kids are not even on my radar." First of all, please worry about your own kids and the ignorance you may be spreading and don't learn how colors mix in kindergarten. Dark Brown and White...makes lighter brown. NUFF SAID!

I am sure I have more, but I just had to put it out there. If you are offended or feel hurt by anything I have said, I wish I could say I am sorry...but I have been getting offended by these things for a long time.

Main Ideas:

(As Anthony would say) Stay out from under our clothes
My parents don't need your approval
I don't need my parents approval
NO you aren't okay with it

P.S. Thank you to those friends who just take Anthony as Anthony and never tell me they are okay with it. I know you are because of that! We love you right back!

The End!

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Finding a new place in life

We moved to Indiana over 2 months ago now and we are settling in nicely. I am learning that I am in a different place in my life right now. For the last, oh let's say 13 years I have been all about my career for the most part in finishing my Bachelor's degree, my Masters Degree, getting hours for a license as a Marriage/Family Therapist, and beyond. When we decided to leave California, I just assumed that I would continue to be consumed with my career, just in a different zip code. That could not be further from the truth. My whole heart has changed since moving here. Maybe this is what God had in mind?

This is not to say that I still don't have passions/dreams/goals for my career. It just seems like the importance they used to hold is not quite there right now. I have been having a really hard 2 years in dealing with the loss of our child and thinking about when I would like to proceed in trying to have another baby. I have NEVER came to a place where I felt like I was completely ready and would go forward. I am still not there to be honest, but I am way further than I was in California. I am at least focused on my health here and doing the right thing by my body to prepare for having another child.

The doctor and I have agreed entirely on the plan and I am moving toward those goals that we have set out. I am still working in the meantime by tutoring, coaching, and pursuing my associates number here to finish hours for Indiana licensure but it just isn't the thing at the forefront of my mind. I think daily about what it takes to be a good parent. I think about what it means to take care of yourself and really get your body in a good place to not only carry a child but raise one. I think about my marriage and how I could be a better wife each day. My priorities seem to have shifted and in my opinion, are beginning to be clear and in order.

I am getting so excited for our first holidays in Indiana. We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house so it should be a blast. I love to entertain. I am also having a big birthday bash for Anthony in December for his 31st! These kinds of things are really making me happy in the midst of a very uncertain and waiting time. I am enjoying being around my family and seeing my nieces and nephew so much. It is such a blessing to be able to watch their daily lives and growth. I do miss California in some ways but to be honest, mostly the people I left there and not the state itself. I feel so much more peaceful here and my blood pressure has come down to normal on a daily basis. That can't be a coincidence!

Anthony and I both feel happier, more well rested, and less stressed than we have for the last 5 years! I am hoping that my blog will also be something I now have time for as it has always been a great friend to me.

I hope you are all well and check back in often for updates! Happy Thanksgiving in advance!