Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Sherrie Short...my tribute

Normally I write in my blog as much as possible and have tons to say but words are somewhat fleeting right now. On Sunday, February 19th at 5:22 a.m. my friend Heather's mom, and someone I loved and respected very much, passed away. Tonight as I sat in Heather's room praying with her and crying over her loss and my own saddness of missing Sherrie...I realized how amazing this woman was. She raised three wonderful children and was an amazing wife to Don but was even more than that. She brought several people to know the Lord, created her own craft business, headed up tons of projects at the church, and was all around loved by EVERYONE that knew her.

As I have spent the last few days with a grieving family, I am completely and utterly amazed by their strength and dedication to their mother and wife. They are all pulling through together and with grace. I believe that Sherrie would have so proud of her family as they make decisions, love each other, and grieve their loss. I am truly proud to have known Sherrie and to continue to know the Short family.

I want to close today's post by writing a little something to Sherrie since I didn't make it here to say goodbye.

Dear Sherrie,

I truly loved you! You have been a mother to me when finding a normal one was hard for me. You have created such a beautiful daughter for me to share my life with. She is so much like you and for that, I am lucky to call her a friend. Thank you for all that you did for me throughout our short relationship. Thank you for showing me an example of godly love and sacrifice. I truly miss you already and this house isn't the same without you! It truly isn't. I will forever hold you in the highest regard.

All of my love and dance it up in Heaven! The shackles are off..and now you may only PRAISE HIM!


P.S. Hug your mamas today!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Raw Emotion

Have you ever been so raw that you would growl at love songs, cry over everything, and just basically feel like putting the covers over your head and not coming out? I am at that exact point in my life right now. I have had a hard couple of days. I have experienced the ending of a relationship that I was really enjoying plus finding out that certain people in my life felt differently about me than I had thought. It's such a hard place for me to be. Yesterday was the totally over commercialized, entirely made up holiday Valentine's Day and I was just plain bitter. I had all of these plans this year to heal and feel whole. I had found a man I wanted to share my special "love day" with and had purchased the appropriate cards, gifts, etc... all to have him give up on me in Vegas and not even communicate with me about it. COWARD is a great word for this occasion.

I am a million emotions all at once; bitter, confused, angry, sad, broken, distraught, stressed, grateful, relieved, scared, livid, perplexed, frustrated, aggitated, annoyed, and mostly just plain depressed. I have had some pretty hard days in my life for sure and this isn't the worst of them but it certainly isn't the best either. I shared my whole world with this boy and he completely threw it in the garbage.

The one thing that completely makes me regret everything is that I opened up with this boy about my greatest love in my life...my grandfather. I trusted him with my deepest, darkest emotion and he completely tossed it to the wind. I fear that I opened myself up more than I ever intended to and it was a mistake. I am going to be so much more careful with who I let in my heart. I am scared that I am going to shut myself off from this and never try to love again.

I made some mistakes with Avery ..that is for sure but the thing I am most proud of is that I took responsibility for my part in it. He took no responsibility at all including not keeping his word in the end. He was a pitiful coward and for that, I am truly grateful to be rid of it.

I also really owe a great thank you to my friend John who willingly took care of me on Sunday when I was scared, alone, and hurt. I appreciate when real friends come through for you. I appreciate my boys who want to kill people for me and for my girls who cry with me.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and I disagree....I would rather have NEVER loved this man or anything that he was. I am truly sorry for allowing him this deeply into my heart and life. Good bye and good riddance! I am truly raw and sad at this point and I am only blogging to hope it lets some of it out in the open.


Monday, February 13, 2006

hmmm...too good to be true

Yes, if you haven't already heard..this relationship thing was too good to be true. It's over because to be quite honest, I have NO IDEA. It's not good manners to break up with someone and say "it's me..not you!" PLEASE! Anyway, back to the drawing board but I am gonna say this..I trust NO ONE anymore! I hate people today. I hope all of you are ok. I am going to study for my GRE because it's what deserves my time.


Monday, February 06, 2006

Communication and how much better it is.

As everyone that reads this blog knows, I was in a VERY long relationship at one point in my life and a lot of times, I think it was time wasted but I am learning...it just wasn't. I have learned that the time I spent with Adolfo and the relationship that we had was there for a reason. I learned so much about men, communication, and mostly how to love. I know that with Adolfo I made more mistakes than really should have been accepted but either way I truly learned. Someone in my life recently said that this is where the rubber meets the road. They weren't kidding.

I am a girlfriend for the first time in 2 years and it's true, I really did learn. I am completely confident that much of what I went through with Adolfo is going to serve me well in my new relationship. I can honestly say this is the happiest I have been with a man in 3-4 years so I want to do this correctly. I want to love Avery the way he needs to be loved. I want to pay him enough attention, not be demanding, give him what he needs, and communicate effectively. I think that these things are coming out of me because of growth from old wounds.

Today I am going to compare this to weight lifting. When you decide to start weight lifting, the first of it is painful and makes you sore for so long. You obviously love the pain of weight lifting but try to forget that for this analogy. Anyway, the more you do the weight lifting, the stronger you are. Well, that's the same with this. That first long relationship hurt me and left me very sore. I am so strong now though and I am able to lift more weight than ever. I am able to love better and stronger.

Anyway, I thought I would just jot down my thoughts on growth today so that I can look back in a year and see I have grown even more. I know that I will.

Avery, it's been so fun and I can't wait to hang out with you this week and get closer and stronger together. You are a gem and I am so glad that I can bring anything to this new relationship!

Have a great day everyone and God bless you! Also, congrats to all you Steelers fans...I knew it was gonna be them!


Sunday, February 05, 2006

Superbowl Sunday yet again.

Hello everyone and Happy Superbowl Sunday! Do I care about this day at all? Not really. You see, football first of all isn't really my sport. Hockey is my sport by first choice. I love basketball and baseball too but really Hockey has my heart. Football is a long long way away from even gaining any attention from me. Just recently I learned that my boyfriend's favorite sport is ...you guessed it...football. I have chosen to start learning about it because I don't want to sidestep his interests, however, I am certain that it will never reign supreme over Hockey. By the way, please take a moment of silence for my Colorado Avalanche as they got beaten down by my enemies..the Red Wings! I was so sad so Joshua and I had breakfast this morning to grieve our losses.

Anyway, this post wasn't supposed to be about football or hockey so I will get back on topic. Lately life has been so stinkin great that I can't even comprehend it and I am a bit scared of it. I mean, it's still my life where it has bills, family drama, friend issues, and weight loss struggles but there is a happy cloud sitting over all of it. I know what you all are thinking and yes...I am in love! :)

Avery has changed the way I view my life. He is a pleasant surprise every time my phone rings with Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder. He is the upbeat to everything I do. Just when I get discouraged about something, I think about him and the worries melt away. When I am worried about the GRE, he says encouraging things to make me believe I can do it. When I am discouraged about weight loss, he reminds me of how health is beneficial. He is the sweetness in my days!

Now, you all know that I am not the kind of girl that gets too fluffy about things. I am usually the girl who talks about love very matter of factly and never really feels it. I can tell you that this boy has my heart and I can't wait to spend time with him this coming week. I feel like before relationships stopped me on my way to my goals and dreams. They distracted me in a sense. Avery does the opposite. He makes me want to achieve all of my goals and dreams and makes me believe they are 100% possible. I am so grateful to him for being that kind of man!

Avery, as you read this today, realize how much I appreciate not just our relationship and the romantic part of it. I also appreciate the man you are. I appreciate your sweet personality, your encouraging words, and mostly the fact that you are becoming my best friend. I hope that as we grow together, we can learn more and appreciate more about each other. I am going to learn all I can about you, Kenya, football and whatever else matters to you. You are worth every second of my attention and love! Have a great day today knowing your girl adores you!

Well everyone, I hope I have not grossed you out but have really inspired you toward things that matter. It looks like Erica is coming out of cynicism once and for all! Have a great Super Bowl Sunday and I love you all!


Friday, February 03, 2006

Embracing my female-ness

As I think about a year ago, I think about a lot of things that were so hard for me. I think about how hard it was to realize my family weren't going to change. I think about how hard it was to accept loss of a broken relationship and broken friendships. I think about how hard it was to confront my health head on. Mostly I think of how hard it was to trust females. A lot of you are aware why females have been a struggle for me. Today is a new day and today I trust so many females and feel so happy about that.

I decided to dedicate today's blog to my female friends and all that they bring to my life. These notes are a clear distinction that indeed...my heart is healing.

My Britt Butt: Although you were the easiest to trust because you are my lil sister, I love you more everyday. I am so happy that we are adults together now and that you are becoming such a great person. I pray the most over your life and fulfillment of all of your dreams. You are truly so talented and bring so much to everyone's life that is lucky enough to be a part of yours. I am so sorry about the loss and hurt you have been going through but I love you sweety and I am here "always and forever." I just want to love you baby..I just want to hold you tight (LOL)

Heather: How do I possibly began to summarize all that is our relationship? I think it's a lot like a pheonix..like in Harry Potter. It had to die in order to become the beautiful thing it is today. I appreciate the friendship that has developed and the heart that you have been developing as well. God has really placed His amazing touch on your life and I am truly proud of everything you become day in and day out. I knwo that life isn't easy all the time and I am telling you..this too shall pass. I love you dear girl and thank you for everything. We are a permanent thing and I couldn't be happier about that.

Carrie: Thank you for being the best friend that Indiana could produce. I love you and your girls and your smelly husband. I look at you as an example of what I could be someday in my marriage and family. I can't wait to share my children with you the lovely way you have shared yours with me. I love you Hailey and Riley. Those kids mean the world to me and I thank you for every moment I get with them. Carrie, I love our friendship and how simple and great it is. You are a great girl and I am so lucky to have you.

Hannah: I am so excited that I am going to be a part of the most special day of your life. I am excited that you have trusted me with such an honor. Our friendship has always been pretty easy for me and I appreciate the kind of woman you are and that we are both so completely chill people. Our intensity is always ok to the other person and that is comforting. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for calling me on my crap, loving me when I was unlovable, and being a constant source of humor and love!

Heather Welday: Oh yeah, you have a new last name! I am so proud of calling you my friend. There are times when I think about what kind of person I would like to be and you come to my mind. We have both come from a crazy place and you have truly shined and shown that environments have nothing to do with developed character. A true psychological miracle in my opinion. I love you sweety and I wish you all the happiness in the world and it looks like that is what you are working on.

Pam: I love you like a mom ...you know..a normal one. I appreciate all of the normal things you have brought into my life. Thank you for bringing me medicine when I am sick, looking out for me, and always knowing EVERYTHING. I am so proud of all you have accomplished since I have known you. You are my hero Pam-cakes! I love you dearly

This blog was dedicated to my nearest and dearest females but there are plenty more where that came from...Martha Fellure, Claudia Degelman, Barron Harley, etc...

Anyway, that was beautiful and now I am girled out! To my cute boyfriend, I am enjoying every second we get and thank you for being completely wonderful and loving me for me! :) Have a great weekend ya'll


Thursday, February 02, 2006

1 week and my life couldn't be more beautiful

Have you ever made a decision in your life and though..ahhh..yes..this is the right one. I have finally made one of those. For one week of my life I have been sharing all of my moments, hardships, love, strength, weakness, etc with one of the most wonderful men I have ever met...Mr. Avery Lakim Shabazz! There is no way you could find a better man..because one doesn't exist. Ok, maybe that is pushing it but I haven't been so happy for YEARS!

Avery has brought so much happiness into my life in just the short week we have been "official" and I can't tell you how amazing that feels. I wanted to dedicate today's blog to him and just say a few things!

Avery: It's been amazing this past week and I am looking forward to every week ahead of this one. Let's not take one day for granted. It's great when you find someone you are attracted to, respect, admire, and desire. Life is good when you are in it. I love you sweety boy and I can't wait for all that our time together will bring us!

Have a great day ya'll and find love today!