Friday, May 21, 2010

Feeling more resolved.

Well, a couple of days ago I wrote a post that was very difficult for me and also very anonymous because I would never want to OUT someone online and treat them like I feel that I have been treated. All of that said, things seem a little more resolved for me now. I know more about the situation and feel clear on who I can and clearly cannot trust. I haven't really dealt with this kind of stuff since High School and I forgot how difficult it can be when you feel you have been misrepresented and really have no idea how to represent yourself without hurting others. I had to spend some time looking at my priorities and this is what I have come to....

I really love the person who is angry with me. Deeply love them and care very much for the pain that they are in. I am broken hearted for their journey and to be honest, have no idea what I can do anymore other than just step back and allow them time to deal with it and that may mean they never let me back in and that is a chance I am willing to take to do as they have asked. I also really cared about the person who talked badly about me without knowledge of the situation but I cannot trust them anymore and that saddens me but helps me make further decisions.

As for Hilliary, she and I are choosing the same course of action. We want to do the RIGHT thing but also are hurt ourselves and that means choosing to eliminate those kinds of things from our lives. I have learned that although someone is really important to you or even acts like they care about you and your life, you can't control if they really do. You can only trust until you see a reason not to and now, I have a reason. I have to do what is best for ME and take care of myself and my own mental health. The things this person has said have hurt me, Hilliary, and even insulted a few others and that makes me sad as I really did feel a connection and friendship before. Now, I have to grieve that there was NOTHING there EVER. I cannot tell you how bad that hurts.

Well, I am going to take my own advice and just exercise boundaries. I am going to treat that person with respect, love them through prayer, and make sure none of the things I struggle with, have a hard time with, or don't want shared or talked about are a part of their knowledge. That is hard for me, you have no idea how hard. I really wish I could defend myself, speak for myself, and fight for myself but to me now, it just isn't worth it. I would have to call someone out and tell things I don't feel comfortable telling and that is beyond what I want for my life. After all, High school was right around 11 years ago for me. That is long enough to know better.

So, in regards to this. I need your prayers. I need my heart to heal from this stuff but also, I need to do the right thing from here on out. I only want Jesus to be pleased with the way I treat others and although my heart wants revenge for being lied about, it just isn't worth it. I am just bummed.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Some people are not willing to look at anything

Over the last few days it came to my awareness that I was blamed for something (along with another person) that we had no part in. I know who did the alleged act and I also know that the person it was done to was hurt by it and had a legitimate reason to be but somehow me and my sister Hilliary got blamed. We, however, said none of the things that were accused of us and quite honestly did not give much thought to the situation and didn't have enough time to even care to be completely frank.

I also found that someone I trusted and really thought cared about Hilliary and myself found it necessary to discuss this situation at length and say some really hurtful things about both of us and give their opinion on a matter they knew NOTHING about except from the hurt person. OUCH! I am feeling like I am not sure who to trust and talk to anymore. I am feeling overwhelmed, hurt, and blamed for things that were not in my control.

When I did what I thought best which was to CALL the person who was hurt, apologize for their hurt and not take responsibility for it but understand it (the adult thing in my opinion) that person asked me to lose their number, stay out of their life, and go to hell. WOW is all I could respond because to be honest I have been there for that person when others weren't, have taken a lot of absolutely crazy phone calls from them, and spent a small fortune coming to them when I felt they needed me. I no longer feel any love from this person and although they are hurting deeply, it doesn't give them a right to strike out and hurt others either. I have given enough of my time worrying and caring to be blamed for things I would never do.

I have been accused to being immature now, ganging up on, and caring about things that I have no concern with. I have to give up this one, it just isn't worth the drama for me. I have a lot of relationships in my life that are positive, healthy, and loving and this one is a loss for me no matter how hard I tried to be there and do the right thing. As well as the collateral damage that has been done. This person has gone to others and outright been dishonest about myself and Hilliary. I would like a chance to be told what I did before others hearing something I did.

I guess I am just venting on here now because I have no where else to turn without jumping to conclusions and hurting others myself and I won't do that. I recognize pain, grief, and trauma. I deal with them in my own life and the life of others. I would never negate that. I also speak for Hilliary in saying she has been there and tried as well. We are neither one perfect and we were given not even a chance to be asked what we truly thought before blamed and outright thrown away. I can't say I am that surprised. We have always been second rate to some.

I am sad. My heart hurts. I have lost more than one relationship I thought I had. Now, it's time to do what they asked me to do...lose their number and move on. Sad.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

The Gym.

So I made a bold commitment last week of agreeing with God that no matter if I was uncomfortable, didn't want to do something, or even if it scared me I was going to obey what he wanted me to do. One of the biggest parts of this is the way I treat my physical body. I grew up in a home where exercise was not really a part of my day to day life. The only time that I got any actual exercise was with participating in sports. I was heavily involved in athletics in the summer with softball and that was probably the time that I got the most exercise. In saying that, I certainly didn't know how it affected my body or that it was the exercise I was trying to get. I just loved to play softball.

In the same respect, diet was not really a huge issue either. I grew up in the Midwest which means that most dishes that you eat are either fried, covered in gravy, or just made with the fattiest cuts of meat. I really didn't know the benefits of a healthy diet or making sure I got enough fruits and vegetables. It was completely cultural for me to view food as a way of celebrating and certainly a way to relax. I quickly understood that and used food for years to comfort some of the other unhealthy things that were going on.

On top of these two crucial pieces for health, I also didn't really value doctor's appointments nor their orders. I would go to the doctor if and only if I had strep throat, chicken pox, or something else just as serious that required the bubble gum tasting antibiotic Amoxicillian and other than that, there were no appointments. I don't remember going in for regular checkups even at the eye doctor or dentist...until there was a problem or braces. As you can see, in my home health was just not a priority.

This is not a post to bash my parents or even to put down the state of Indiana. It is just a start of why this problem is what it is. I have made a commitment to start caring about my health. This means the following:

1. Take my diabetic meds as directed. (Yes, it was hard to commit to that before)
2. Do 30-40 minutes of exercise EVERY day.
3. Eat appropriate meals to correspond with diabetic plan and demonstrate moderation in things that are NOT in the plan.
4. Get regular checkups with general physician, female doctor, diabetic doctor, dentist, eye doctor, etc...
5. Take care of my mental health by doing stress relieving quiet time each day.

For the most part, these are the guidelines that I think I need to learn to carefully take care of my body. I am sad that it took 30 years to figure this out least it is a start. I will be excited to share with you all on my journey to lose some weight and see my health increase significantly. Keep me in your prayers. It's hard to be obedient.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Just jump in!

Today I spent about an hour laying out by the pool enjoying the beautiful California weather and a nice breeze. Don't worry, I lay in the shade mostly, I am really fair and try to take care of my skin! While I was by the pool, there was a family of about 5 kids hanging out and swimming at the pool. There was a few little girls, a few little boys and this one little girl was about 12 years old. There was also an older brother/cousin/uncle or something that was their supervision. The little girl that my story focuses on was the 12 year old and her name was Jackie. Jackie was clearly a sweet little girl by the way she spoke to the kids around her and the way she spoke to her elders. All of the kids were doing the same things; cannon balling into the pool, running and jumping in, and the more daring boys were doing flips off of the side of the pool into the deep end.

Jackie was a little different than all of the other kids. She wanted so badly to cannonball into the pool, she wanted to do a flip off the side, and even tried the running leap but every time she tried to do something, fear kept her from it. She would run and stop abruptly right before the waters edge and her hands would fly up to her face and she would say "Oh, I am too scared!" This went on for literally an hour and although I wasn't watching the whole thing, I was out there and there was no way to miss all of things that were going on.

I should note, I went out there to lay in a chaise lounge and enjoy the weather and to just kind of be quiet with Jesus. I certainly heard His voice loud and clear while watching this all take place. Jackie was having a really hard time just letting go and allowing herself to do what she knew was going to be fun and exciting. Her fear and her lack of trust in her own swimming ability left her standing at the side. In the very first of all of this, she was trying on her own to jump in. She would do everything in her power to psych herself up to take the flying leap. It didn't work!

Next she tried to get the help of the younger boys who were carelessly throwing their bodies into the air, doing mid-air somersaults and catapulting into the 9 foot deep end. They came over and several times showed her how to do it and said something like "C'mon, just do it, it's EASY." It was anything BUT easy for Jackie. Jackie's next course of action was to ask the older guy there who was in charge of her supervision. He walked over to the side and mimicked what Jackie needed to do to get into the pool safely if she was going to jump. He showed her to position her body, that running wouldn't be the ideal choice, and that she needed to jump into the deep end so as not to harm herself. She still stood paralyzed on the side and over and over, stopped just short of her goal.

Finally, it came down to asking her supervision to help her by throwing her in. He came over and willingly tried to get her in and she grabbed a hold of his shorts so much that if he threw her in, he too would be in the deep end. She stayed glued to the side of the pool. I ended up leaving the pool area and Jackie still stood on the side, not enjoying her time as much as the other kids. My lesson had just begun.

I ended up thinking about Jackie most of the night but realizing it was just a very clear picture of myself when it comes to doing what God wants me to do and trusting him. I kind of see the pool as OBEDIENCE. I am the same as Jackie, most of the time I stand just outside the pool wishing I could just get in. I even do similar things as Jackie did. For instance, I think to myself "If I just talk myself through this, I will be able to do it. I know that God wants me to give 10% of my income to him, however, I am not sure if I do that I will be able to pay our bills. I know I should just trust him but that seems really hard, I think I'll just save the 10% and pay the bills. God will understand." There I the edge biting my fingernails.

I also do the whole running and jumping in thing. I stand on the outside of God's will and I come "I am going to just jump in with everything I have and leap blindly. I will go ahead and make a commitment to go to the gym twice a day until I lose all of this weight." More often than not, I run and jump but fall short of obedience because that pace I can't keep up so there I stand...overweight and out of his will. How frustrating.

I also have gone to other people at times to tell me what I already know. It didn't help Jackie to get instructions from the boys of how easy it was nor did it help her for someone to literally try to throw her in. It would only happen when Jackie was ready for it to happen. That is exactly like me. I have amazing female mentors who I go to with questions of a spiritual nature and they help me navigate what God would want me to do. No matter how many people clarify with me that it's appropriate to obey, I still stand on the edge of the "pool" and wish someone would just do it for me.

Lately I have been coming to a point where I am tired of being dry and watching everyone else be blessed in the "Pool." I am ready to jump in and get entirely wrapped up in God's flow of love where obedience starts!

I hope you get something out of Jackie's story..I sure did. I only hope she is able to jump in and enjoy it soon!

Then...this song came to mind...