Monday, July 31, 2006

New challenges, dreams, and hopes

So in just 9 days I will be 26 years old. I think I always believed that by 26 I would be married and be a mama. There is a saddness that hangs over this birthday because I am nowhere near being a wife or a mother yet. I am a girlfriend and it's hard for me to even say that I am good at that. I adore Anthony and I care deeply for him but I am always scared of the next step and always unsure of my abilities to be a good woman. The things I did in my last relationship made me ashamed to be me. This year is certainly different. My relationship with Anthony is so much healthier than any I have ever had. He looks at me and I melt. He deserves my respect, therefore he gets it.

In just 30 days, I begin my first class in Graduate School. I am so nervous I can barely talk about this without feeling nauseous. I have most things handled with the exception of finances. I have my class schedule, have looked up all of my books on Amazon, have registered, etc... I just need to financially register and purchase my books and a lap top. These are things that I am going to have to rely on God for because I don't have the $1,000 it is going to cost. My dreams are finally going somewhere. My Bachelors felt like such a huge step for the moment and such a small step in the grand scheme of things. This masters degree feels huge to me.

I am just full of thoughts, emotions, concerns, anxieties, etc... today. I am worried about Anthony as he searches for his lot in life. I am worried about our relationship as I start a new phase in my life. I worry about my mom as she struggles to make it while recovering from a stroke. I worry about my older sister as she forges ahead trying to become an adult and do for herself. I worry about Britt as her heart breaks from loss yet she needs to find herself truly in this world. I worry about myself as I start grad school, maintain a new relationship, work 40+ hours a week, attend classes 9 hours a week and try to be a good diabetic.

I just worry! PERIOD. Please say a prayer if you read this. I am stressed.


Thursday, July 27, 2006

5 years......hmmmmm

Well it's been 5 years today since my wedding was cancelled and it's amazing how fresh the freakin pain is. I try to think about this day as the day I was "saved" from divorce but I don't think anyone can convince themselves of such when they have gone through such a traumatic cancelling of their dreams! Today I am feeling sad, angry, annoyed, and mostly just really concerned for my future. I try to realize that Adolfo is LONG gone and so is his cowardice. I try to think that this was all for the best. Still, I wake up on July 27th with a pit in my stomach and the need to punch him in the face!

I am sure that he woke up today and went to work with not so much as one thought as to the damage he did 5 years ago. He probably doesn't even remember the day he took my heart and did the Mexican Hat Dance on it. He is probably completely clueless as to who he hurts and how it affects them. I am sure there is some major sports game on today that will distract him from the idiocy that he did 5 years ago. The video games will take away all of the responsibility of hurting another human so deeply. He won't even comprehend today that he STOLE my dreams and a large sum of money!

Today, I am just going to try to remember why I didn't want to marry that man. It doesn't seem to matter that he is not the one for me. I still feel stolen from! Hmmmmm......I need to get over this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I would have been married for 5 years! What?????? How did I ever think I was ready then when I am not ready now? What was I thinking? I would have been the worst wife to him and the worst mother to our 57,000 kids! These are the positives to not walking down the aisle 5 years ago. I guess today what I should be saying is "Thank you Adolfo!"

Well, I am done crying now!


Friday, July 14, 2006

Update on life, been MIA for a bit

Hey everyone, Today is catch up day with emails, tasks, friends, phone calls, and the such. I have had a busy few weeks as I have been enjoying my new relationship with my bf. He is great and I am enjoying all the steps that are happening in getting to know each other. Even the growing pains aren't so bad. I have a few new pix that I thought I would share with the blogging public. Here are the pix and the stories behind them.

This first picture is my absolute favorite of the new boyfriend. He is so adorable in it and really looks so sweet.

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This next one is of Anthony at his old job. When we started dating he worked at Grauman's Chinese Theater as a tour guide so this is a cute posed picture of him making an announcement.

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This picture is of me and Anthony standing high above Hollywood looking down on tinsel town! :)

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This last one is a really cute picture of Heather and I shopping before she took off to Russia. See below on Russia details.

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So that's my life right now in pictures. Heather left on Wednesday to go to Russia and work in an orphanage. I am so proud of her and her efforts to become all that God wants her to be. Her mama would be so proud!

My birthday is coming up faster than I expected and will be here in just 25 days! I can't believe it..I will be 26 on August 9th!! Wow!

Anyway, I should get going as I have a million and one things to attend to. I hope you are all well and I am praying for all of you!


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Life is sweet!

Hey everyone. Sorry I have been out of the loop for a while with things going on in my life. The last you had heard, I had just been in Hannah's wedding. Her honeymoon went great and they are back and safe. Just last week I had the distinct privelage of hosting my two friends Paul and Carrie in their first ever trip to California. We went to various places and did various things and I hope they enjoyed themselves.

I am now seeing someone very special and it's going very well. His name is Anthony James Lewis and he is absolutely the bees knees! HA HA I am having a great time getting to know him, spending time with him, and being his girl! I am absolutely blessed to share my life with this man. He is a loving, gentle, caring, God-fearing, amazing man and I am so happy about it!

This is a picture of he and I together, in case you are wondering. This is taken on Hollywood blvd in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. My friend Carrie took it! :)

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Anyway, that is what is going on in my life. Work is busy, school in in progress of starting, and my birthday is in about a month! Life is good. I will stop in and post more later. Have a great day everyone!