Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What is it worth?

Today I had a devotional that prompted some deep thoughts and I thought I would share them with you. The devotional was talking about those antique roadshows that are on tv. The basic premise is that people gather at these conventions and bring their belongings that they think might have value and meet with appraisers from all over the country who then tell them what their wares are worth.

Well, the devotional made a valid point. There is not some magic criteria that decides what these antiques are worth. It is not size as the tiniest item and the largest item can be worth the same amount of money. It is not age, as items can be hundreds of years apart in age but of the same worth. It is not cleanliness as some of the items can be very grimy and still worth several hundred thousand dollars. It's also not expense because some people payed mere dollars for the items hundreds of years ago and now they are worth quite a bit.

The worth of an item is decided by what someone will pay for it. This devotional was speaking about John 3:16. We were worth so much that God gave his only son for us. That is a huge price to pay at any auction. Today this prompted my thoughts. I was sitting here thinking about where I find my worth. I look at the same criteria that I just told myself don't matter.

The size of my body sometimes makes me think I am worth less. I think if I get down to 125 lbs I will be worth more when the reality is...125 lbs or 350 lbs...Jesus still gave his life for ME! I also try to make it about age. I think, oh I am just 25 years old and know nothing...when I get older in the Lord ..I will be worth more. NOPE, Jesus loves a 6 year old who just gave his/her life to him just as much as a 65 year old missionary. Most of all...I try to make it about cleanliness. How perfect can I be? I can get really perfect and then I will be worth something. No, what I am worth today is the same thing I was worth at 350 lbs, sinning every minute, and at 15 years old searching for God. He loves me the same today and would pay the same price, HIS SON!

Take all of this in and evaluate your own worth today. It's worth it!

~I love you all~

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Parenting and expectations.

Today I write about a sensitive subject. Neither of my parents actually read the blog so I know I have an open forum today to talk. I decided to do a little research and see what the actual definition of "Parents" really is. This is what I found.

Parenting comprises all the tasks involved in raising a child to an independent adult. Parenting begins even before the child is born or adopted and may last until the death of the parent or child. Parenting is a part of the relationship within a family.

This defintion may make a lot of people say "yeah that's what I thought" or "I had great parents!" My thoughts and feelings upon reading this defintion are saddness, grief, and overall disappointment. I have come to a very important place in my emotional healing. This past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest ones of my life. I was very ill and lost my job all at the same time. I lost a lot of hope regarding my diabetic healing and mostly, I have lost the hope of ever being parented.

I love my mom and dad very much although I really don't feel they deserve my love. Then again, who deserves love anyway? I know that if you are reading the blog, you are aware of my background and the many trials my childhood provided. I didn't ever have my dad around until I was 21 and that was by my doing that we started a "relationship." My mom raised us (Hill, Britt, and I) virtually alone with the financial help of my grandparents. There was much abuse, neglect, and abandonment in my childhood. These are things that I have grown accustomed to and worked through daily in my own personal progress. I have forgiven my mom for some of the horrible things that I endured and I have even forged ahead in my relationship with my father.

Today, I come to a sad realization and a new place in my life. I am 25 years old this year and to me that really constitutes ADULTHOOD! I know that by law we are adults at age 18 but I really felt like there was a maturity level and realization I needed to reach before I was an adult. This week I have come to the conclusion that my parents are not people I can count on. I can't count on my mom for financial help when I lose my job and I am sick. I can't count on my mom for wise financial advice, emotional guidance, or healing sympathy. I cannot rely on my dad for anything whatsoever and this truly saddens me.

The above mentioned definition of parents really made me sad because not only did my parents not start parenting before they had us but we were all basically "accidents." They do not parent successfully nor are they still parents until death. It is just a sad day in my life because although I have known the dysfunction..I really had a glimmer of hope for my parents. Now, I am not saying that my parents can't heal and work on their issues and one day be great! I am saying that I can't hold onto that hope any longer. I must forge ahead and create for myself a new family where I have a soft place to fall.

This will include my friends, mentors, church family, and one day my husband and children. I am praying for all of this and would appreicate your prayers with me. Thank you for reading the innermost thoughts and feelings that I am going through and I am praying for all of you as well. Have a great day and please keep praying as I am waiting on God's healing and provision.

Much love!

Friday, May 27, 2005

On the way down

Hello everyone and I hope that this blog finds you all doing much better than myself. If you are logging on today there is a huge possibility that you already are aware of the tragedy called my life. An update on the situation is as such. Today, I payed my car insurance just to leave myself nothing to live on or pay my cell phone bill with. I am really scared right now about my financial security but again, I see an opportunity to watch God be faithful yet again. I have called most of you and asked you to be praying over my situation because to be honest, I see no hope or light at the end of this tunnel. I know God to be a faithful God and I know HE loves me very much but man, this is so hard for me.

Losing my job really made me realize that God wants to get me alone right now. He wants to get me to where I have no ability to function on my own so that I learn the valuable lesson of leaning on him and other believers to help me survive. It's the scariest place I have ever been. I need to be completely honest right now and recognize the disobedience that got me to this place. I have been living outside of the will of God for a while now. Mostly since about November of last year. I have had a prayer life and even attended church here and there but overall, have been doing things that aren't in my best interest nor things I believe in morally.

I have since chosen to cut off my dating life and only be involved with people that are supportive, loving, helpful, and overall, followers of God's word. I am not in any position to date at this time in my life because I do not know the proper attention level to achieve nor the way to recognize genuine care and not lust. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now and addressing my scary need for male attention as well as my lack of boundaries.

I am currently reading the book by Cloud and Townsend called "Boundaries" and working through the workbook that supplements it. It is eye opening for sure and has shown me the ways that I do not use my own boundaries and completely run over other's boundaries. My goals and desires in life are not getting achieved due to my complete resistence to God's leading. I have to start to get real with myself and others and really work through the problems that have gotten me here.

I want to give you all an update on everything at once so that I don't have to write 4,000 emails so here it all is...

Overeater's Anonymous: Since going through this illness I haven't been to a meeting but I am currently 1 month and 17 days clean.

Health: My sugar is still not regulated but I am taking my insulin and medications as the doctor says. I need prayers for financial help because I can't afford the dr visits, diabetic testing supplies, insulin, medications, and such.

Finances: Praying for money to pay bills right now!

Heather and Josh are back in the states at their respective homes and safe.
Heather and Jason just celebrated a year together!
Hannah Graduated from Vanguard on May 7th with her BA in Liberal Studies (Highest GPA in the major) Stay tuned for pics!
Josh is in colorado working for the summer, get to see him in July!
Heather's mom just got through another brain surgery and is doing well.
Carrie, Paul, and The kids are doing great. I got to see them while I was in Indiana. Stay tuned for pictures!
Jarrid has a new job and is getting married to Sarah on September 24th.
Joel is job hunting and deciding on grad school and is still my hero!
Britt graduated from high school on May 20th and I got to be there. Stay tuned for pics here too!

Emotionally: Just seeking God's comfort daily on a million and one things. I trust him though and I know I'll make it.

Weight loss: I weigh 220 lbs now which is a total of 130 lbs gone..total. This is the smallest I have been in years! Hallelujah!

Jobs: Stilling working for Richard as Chris' nanny. He is getting ready to finish his 6th grade year. We are struggling with homework still but he is doing great in Karate and is up for his purple belt soon. He is also doing great in Piano and just finished his first recital with his teacher (Miss HANNAH) :)

I guess that is my update and more than anything..I need prayer, friendship, and help. Please keep your heart, ears, eyes, etc..open for ways that God leads you to encourage me. I need all of the help I can get! Have a great day and God bless you all this memorial day!

~Much Love~

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Hopeless but hopeful

Hello everyone. If you have been logging onto the blog and not seeing any changes, my apologies. Life has handed me quite a hand lately. First of all I have been going through one of the worst illnesses I have ever had. 2 weeks ago I woke up with a headache and slowly through the weekend, it got much worse. By Monday morning I was so much in pain I couldn't even see. I called Joel and asked him to take me to the doctor and before I knew it, I was full on diabetic SICK. I had a severe kidney infection, sinus infection, and very high sugar. I fought my sickness all week until Thursday night when I got on a plane and headed to Indiana to see Britt graduate. In Indiana I was ok for the most part with very high sugars here and there. I got back to California yesterday when I went to the doctor to find out my situation hasn't improved much.

This morning I got up to head back to work and sure enough, I was fired. They told me to take the week off last week due to my illness and since decided that I am not WELL enough to work for them. I am devestated and I sit today wondering exactly what God is doing. I have recently made some huge decisions and choices in my life and I am wondering exactly what's happening. It's so strange how life works. I am fighting to obey God through this and more than anything...just trust him. I am hurting and broken and sick.

I need prayers so much and would appreciate all of your thoughts right now. Thanks everyone and sorry I have been so sporadic in my writing. Much more later.


Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Mayo Jar and 2 cups of Coffee

This is something I stumbled upon and regarded as worthwhile to the blog. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

The Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if! the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Define your "alcohol"

Today was another big step in my life. I went back to counseling today. I am to the point where I cannot move any further in my life without help. As you all know, I have been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. Today I am 29 days clean. I am very proud of myself that Tuesday will be one month for me but unfortunately I am learning more and more about myself as the food leaves day by day. I am learning that I have certain foods that are my alcohol. They make me binge. I am trying to figure out what my poison foods and situations are.

I also am working on not caring so much about what others think about me. I am so concerned about other's views that I forget what I want. I am ultra concerned with image and it's taking over my life. I am doing things that I don't believe in or want to do for approval from others. I need something from everyone all the time. I need attention, admiration, respect, etc.. and it's getting aggravating. I need to start realizing what I need for real.

I am going to stop writing today because I need to get ready for Hannah's graduation. Congrats Hannah! Have a great day and I"ll write soon. I apologize for my quietness right now. I am journaling a lot in my private journal.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Today I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about how I am pretty content right now. Contentment is defined as " a happiness with one's condition and situation in life, or the state of being satisfied." Now that sounds like a very rash statement to make considering the world we live in but today, I am truly content. I was thinking about how I have a great God that always takes care of me regardless of the situation, great friends who love me and care about my life, great co-workers and bosses who are considerate and caring, and a family I love that loves me back. My life hasn't always been peaches and it's not today either but I know this, I am truly content.

You might be thinking, "But Erica, you don't have a husband, children, your career yet, a brand new car, a house of your own, and the list goes on" To that I respond, I have all that I need in my life today. I truly believe that I am in a season of my life where I am yearning for all God has to teach me. I am not yearning for all he has to give me. I know that one day I will have a beautiful, intelligent, handsome, adorable man of God to share my life with. I know that one day I will have a child or children that I love and adore. I know that one day I will be a successful therapist who helps heals people daily. I know I will have all that I need one day but today, I have all that I need for May 3, 2005!

Yesterday I made the step to get back into counseling. I am looking forward to meeting with a therapist and figuring out a few steps of things I have learned from dealing with this eating disorder. I am also trying to find a sponsor in OA and take that very seriously right now. I am also forging ahead with plans to go home in the middle of this month. Britt, my lil'est sister, graduates high school on May 20th. Please send her an email at Pinkybh18@aol.com when you see this and tell her congrats! I am so incredibly proud of her and I am getting the amazing blessing of getting to see her walk when I go home. I will be in Indiana for about 5 days with my family which isn't a lot but more than I can hope for.

I am in the midst of planning a few other trips this summer. I plan on taking a few weekends and going up to see my friend Heather in Northern California. I am also heading to Colorado in July to see my friend Josh. I am also planning a few little excursions like a cruise to Mexico. God is so amazing to allow these things in my life every day. I am a very blessed and ultra content girl today!

How I wish I always saw God moving in my life when he clearly is. I am praying for that right now, to really see God when he is present and moving. God, you are truly amazing!!

Well, I should get going but have a spectacular day today all. I love you all so very much!


Monday, May 02, 2005

Letting go!

There are times in everyone's life where they think of things that they have to let go of. They have to grieve things that couldn't ever be and overcome things that already have been. Lately my life has been a series of instances where I have had to let go. I decided today I would restate the things I have to let go of and start to work on them for myself. I am planning on recapping my resolutions in the next few days so I can see some progress. Here are the top ten things I am working on letting go:

1. My admiration and love for a certain boy that doesn't love me back.

2. My dreams for Adolfo and I to be friends.

3. My obsession with food and my weight.

4. The idea of the PERFECT man.

5. The idea of the perfect me.

6. A faultless life.

7. My pride.

8. My lies.

9. My overwhelming sense of self-sufficency. (I never ask for help)

10. The dream of Marriage and Children for now!

Well I thought I would share my heart with you all today and please keep me in your prayers. I am 23 days clean today and so proud of myself but always needing help and support. Have a great day and God bless you all!