Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sin City makes closer relationship to Jesus, says the Tabloid

So Anthony and I just back on Monday morning from Vegas for the weekend. We went to celebrate our 6 month married anniversary and God just really used Vegas to teach me some really important lessons. Things have been hard lately to say the very least. Anthony and I have been "trying" to get pregnant and that is the most anxiety ridden adventure I have ever had. In October when we decided that we wanted to start trying, I was so ready, excited, and completely into the idea. Then a few months passed with no "pregnant" on the pee test and I started to get very sad and down.

Well, when we went to Vegas this weekend it was after finding out that we weren't pregnant for the 4th month in a row. It was after I was 2 and 1/2 weeks late and really started to think it had finally happened. I went to Vegas with an agenda! My agenda was to GET OVER IT and stop wanting something so badly that I can not control. It didn't work. It's like when someone tells you not to think of a pink bunny. What are you thinking about right now? A pink bunny right?

All I could think about all weekend was being a mom since I saw numerous parents carrying children through the casinos with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other and thinking "why not me Lord?" What did I do to not deserve a baby and these people think casinos are kid friendly? As you can imagine it was a hard time.

It was the last day and I was going to bed because I am not one of those cool people who can not sleep! God kept me up all night teaching me about myself and showing me areas I can work on. The one that was brought to my attention so much more than the rest was materialism and having to keep up with everyone else. I live in this way so much and I can't blame it on Orange County, California when I was like this in Lawrence County, Indiana!

I am not saying that the reason that God is not giving me a baby is due to my sin life but...I am saying...maybe I would like to take care of this area first. Just a thought for today!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The book of myself starts here

So I picked up a book at Borders the other day called the book of myself. It has been pretty enlightening. I am learning about myself more and more and remembering things that I wasn't sure I even knew. I thought I would put a question a day on here so that I could record some of this on the blog and if you want to answer the questions so I can get to know you, that would be great. Here we go....

Question # 1:

This is how people described me as a child, and how I saw myself:

My mom often says that I never met a stranger and often entertained those around me. I was extremely outgoing and often got along well with adults and people my own age. I always had a large problem with constantly worrying. I was often referred to as "sensitive" and was said to wear my heart on my sleeve. I always had a large desire to be liked and I am and always have been a "people pleaser" I talked all of the time and often felt very self conscious.

I thought I would start to share these things with the blog and see if anyone wants to share with me. I love getting to know myself better and also know others better.

Hope you are all well!

Monday, February 09, 2009

Spread thin but trusting God

Over the past 3-5 years I have been spread thin on a consistent basis. This has been with working, going to grad school, etc... and this is my first year of truly learning to trust God in those times. Today marks 3 months exactly until my graduation day and I am so happy to know that one of my dreams is coming around the bend. I always dreamed of having an education and being able to be good at something. At least I'll finally have the education (joking)

I just took on a second practicum site as well and although I really like the people, the environment, and feel that I will learn so much it adds another dimension to being busy. For each practicum site, you have to have 1 hour of individual supervision or 2 hours of group supervision to every 5 hours that you spend with clients. Add this to 11 hours in class per week and several hours of reading and homework and you have my life in a nutshell. Often my sink has more than a few dishes in it, my mail and paperwork are often organized in stacks, and my DVR is full of tv shows that I would love to watch but just can't get "around to it." My husband and I use every spare minute to reconnect and have a meal together and it's hard to get through that.

Looking forward 3 months and knowing that this schedule is over and something new is beginning makes me feel quite a few emotions. One of them, happy! I am happy that I can focus on my family and my responsibilites at home and not think about the next paper being due or what reading assignment I am procrastinating away from. Another emotion that comes up is sad. I am sad that my life in school is over. I feel incredibly adult and yet feel like I am not ready for the "real world" while I have been living in it for a long time. The major emotional reaction I get is pure anxiety and fear. What comes next?? Who am I without school? What do I do when I am not overachieving in academics?

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today? What's on yours?

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Those two harsh words


Anthony and I have been trying to start our family for a few months. Although we are not concerned yet about fertility issues, it has been hard every month for me to see these two stinky words: NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to talk openly about this on my blog because I feel like I have always been honest on here and I have hestitated to talk about how deeply this is affecting me because it seems so silly. When I told the Doctor that we wanted to start trying to have a baby she was excited and made sure to tell me that it could take anywhere between 6-12 months for a 28 year old woman. I felt very excited that first month and also quite positive. We started trying in October so that means we have been trying for 3-4 cycles or so. I know that isn't a lot and to be honest, there have been a lot of other things going on as well but something inside me feels inadequate as each month brings those same words on the test, NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony assures me that everything will be fine and that we shouldn't even worry about it and maybe "not trying" would be more affective. I feel like the most useless person no matter what he says. I deeply desire being able to tell him we are pregnant, buying baby stuff, and planning for our little one. Right now, I am so tired of being disappointed and so tired of academia I am completely and utterly over it. On top of everything else, this has been plaguing my heart. I don't want to continue avoiding my blog so I don't have to talk about this. My blog is this safe place for me to express what is going on in my heart without censoring and there I was hiding from it. SO, here I am now admitting that this is the hardest thing for me because I am used to wanting something, going after it, and getting it. God seems to have a different plan this time and I am frustrated and sad.

Also, there is the issue of the family pregnancies that are continuing to be both happy news and sad news for me. Am I horrible because I can't get this out of my head and my desires are over riding my happiness for others? :( I would love feedback but mostly, thanks for reading.