Wednesday, December 24, 2008


A long time ago I read a really awesome book called "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I literally read the whole book on one flight to Indiana so you can imagine that it was a pretty good read. It was heartbreaking but written in such a way that you couldn't stop reading it. First of all, I suggest that book but Alice also wrote a true story about her own life that I am really enjoying right now called "Lucky." Again, it's very hard to read but also very good writing. I also just spotted another fiction book of hers in borders so that is one of my goals for the holiday to buy that and read it. I should note that if you have been sexually victimized, Lucky is either exactly for you or not advised to read based on your own sensitivity.

A little bit more of Harry

I am a huge Harry Potter Fan and read every single book over and over and J.K. Rowling just came out with a new book called "The Tales of Beedle the Bard" and it was a book that was actually mentioned in the Harry Potter Series. This was a really cute fun easy read and let me have just a few more minutes with Harry!

On the bandwagon....

Well, I have done it. I got on the bandwagon and started reading the Twilight series. I am currently through the first two books. I am so far loving them! Let me just say I normally do NOT get into the Vampire type stories. I tried to watch Buffy and I just couldn't do it but I had to read this series because I heard that the writing was so good. I am here to confirm, it is good! :)

Monday, December 22, 2008

Books are love...they truly are

Today I revisited one of my oldest and dearest loves, BOOKS. I haven't ever really stopped loving them but I have taken a little vacation from them through graduate school. I don't often have the time to read for school and read for pleasure. It's usually one of them that wins and it's usually the one of them that earns my grades. I have been really soaking up my Christmas Vacation from school by escaping into my books. There are so many books on my book shelf that have been bought for me over the last few years that I have been dying to read. I decided that over break I would be in a book every day.

So far I have read 5 of my long awaited books over the last couple of weeks and I couldn't be happier. I thought my blog could reflect some of that as I wrote about the books I have been enjoying. They are all different so be prepared for some diversity. I like all types of books so maybe you'll find something fun to read for yourself. I would love some book recommendations too if you have any I should read. I am open to all genres!

Stay tuned for my book reviews.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'll say it again for good measure

There have been so many posts on this blog about my weight and how hard it has been for me. There have been posts where I was losing weight, gaining weight, working out, not working out, binging, not binging and in between but I was never trying to be a mama and a wife back then. Ever since I have been a wife I have not just taken my weight as an issue but my health has been an issue. I have not missed my diabetic medication since the day I said "I do" 4 months ago yesterday. I take my vows very seriously and I know that I owe not just myself but Anthony the chance for a long life with me. We are both more focused on our health since getting married and even more so since deciding to start trying to have a child.

I am going to chronicle my weight loss on a private blog for myself but I also want to report into you guys just what is going on. I shockingly found out a few months ago that I allowed myself to get back to 303 lbs. I had lost all the way down to 220 and it felt great and when graduate school started, I stopped trying to do that. Today I am 299 lbs and I am working extra hard toward some goals. I see my doctor again on Monday December 15th and then the diabetic doctor again on Friday Jan 9th so I will updates on weight quite frequently.

I am working out again, eating on a meal plan, and focused. Life can not go on with these diabetic problems and weight issues. Please say a prayer if you think about Anthony and I as we embark on a very hard goal!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Grace and other therapuetic matters

Today I had an interesting thing happen while with a client. Although I can't share the details of it on here I will say that I realized today that I am capable of some things that would have really scared me before or made me shut down. I have grown so much in my grad school program and have really developed some therapeutic skills. That makes me so happy as this program seems to be an uphill battle for me daily. Today I was just really reminded of the grace I need to give myself as I try to learn the ropes. In my own therapy on Monday we talked about grace for most of the session due to my lack of grace for myself.

Grace is such a hard concept for me to grasp. It took me several years within my relationship with Christ to accept that his salvation was entirely free. That to me sounded silly so I continued trying to earn it and I fell short pretty much every minute on the minute. I battled myself daily trying to figure out how to do my spiritual disciplines perfectly in order to allow Christ to love me consistently. This was a battle I had to choose to lose daily and just allow God's love to stop the maddness.

In my personal relationships, this is even harder for me. I still have not come to the point where I can just let Anthony love me and not think I have to pay for it later or earn his love. He is the only person who has never asked me for anything in return. This should form in me the ability to accept his love and grace without problem but for some reason this is an issue for me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A case of the yuckies

So I have this monster of a cold that is kicking my rear-end mainly at night. I seem to do "ok" during the day and then when I am going to bed this ferocious cough comes that keeps me awake, uncomfortable, and grumpy. Poor husband isn't getting any rest either with me bringing my lungs up several times in the night. I am so glad that we aren't pregnant yet with me feeling so sick. It would be horrible to not be able to take any meds for this and battle it alone. All that to say, I have been doing very well in all other aspects.

As many of you know, I headed to Indiana a couple of weeks ago to see my sister get married. She will be married 2 weeks tomorrow and just celebrated her 33rd Happy Birthday and Anniversary BOSS! My mom celebrated her 52nd birthday the same day and that got me to thinking. Can you imagine, I started thinking? I started thinking about where I am at in my life and if I am happy there. I came to the conclusion that Yes....Yes I am. I thought I would take some time today to list some things I am thankful for as we approach Thanksgiving and maybe I will focus more on that than this nasty cold!

-- I am thankful that I have the most amazing husband and he helps me study when I am too sick to stay focused alone and he somehow knows exactly what Jerre is going to ask on her quizzes.

-- I am thankful that we have an apartment that I really like even if I don't like the city that much. I love going home and laying on my couch and wrapping up in my throw britt got me and realizing how much I am loved and provided for.

-- I am thankful that I am getting my diabetes in order and feeling much better.

-- I am thankful for the Hoag Diabetes Education Center who are going to teach me how to be a pregnant diabetic!

-- I am thankful for Grad Psych that has absolutely tore me up and put me back together again in the most painful manner possible but man am I a better woman than I came as.

-- I am thankful for a new appreciation for some of my professors and what they bring to my life.

-- I am thankful for new friendships that came from Grad School in Katherine, Elise, Christine, Nicole, etc... It's nice to have good girls in my life.

-- I am thankful for trying to get pregnant because not only does it make babies but it's fun!

-- I am thankful for 3 lovely months married and how much I have learned in just these three months.

God is so good and I just wanted to be thankful today as I sniffle and feel the world is unfair. :)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Mom

All of these are names I have never went by. I haven't officially been an aunt for more than 13 days although two precious little girls call me Aunt Erica. I have always been a little sister, have been a big sister most of my life, and now I am even a sister in law. I have been a full sister, half sister, and now going on a step sister. I have been a step daughter, a grandchild, a step grandchild, and beyond. The one thing I haven't been in my 28 years is coming soon and scares the wits out of me while excites me beyond measure. I am going to be a mother soon. We are not pregnant YET but it's so exciting to think about how this title will be mine in the coming months (hopefully) There are still so many fears on my part beyond the regular ones of trying to be a good mother, delivering a baby, carrying a baby, caring for a baby, etc...

There is a fear of my disease being harsh to me while pregnant. There is a fear of my families mental illnesses being carried on. There is a fear of my career making me scared of everything while parenting. There is a fear of graduate school becoming too hard while I am pregnant. There is a fear of me becoming a mother and never using the degree that I have worked so diligently for. There is a fear of trying to balance home and career. There is a fear of incompetence and lack of knowledge of how to parent or care properly. There are so many fears.

There are so many excitements too. There is the excitement of hearing mama for the first time. There is the excitement of seeing Anthony holding our child and the way he already loves our future little ones. There is the excitement of knowing whose eyes the baby got or whose smile. There is the excitement of seeing the baby take its first steps, speak its first words, and go to school for the first time. I pray that my fears are not going to take over my excitement. I so long for God to help me to keep my focus on Him through this so that I don't forget how much of a blessing it is to be a mother.

I am ready!!! Or am I?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Home sick ..on my way.

It's been 10 long months since I have seen my family. That is unheard of for me as I usually head home twice a year and this year I am only getting one visit most likely. Last year I went home three times, one of them was not for pleasure but my nephew and step-mom's funeral so I would prefer not to go home for those such events. This time I am headed home to see my older sister get married. Happy times are always a better time to go home. On Friday I gain a brother in law and I get to see my family too which is great. I really miss them. I don't often have a hard time living so far away but around the beginning of September I began to feel pain.

I think this comes from growing up attending the Persimmon Festival back home and being around for my sisters' birthdays, my mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas and well into New Years. This time of year has me really missing the falling leaves, the snow, the christmas lights, and actually being COLD sometimes instead of living on the south side of hell, AKA Anaheim. I wish I could say that Anaheim has proven to be my dream home but it just hasn't. Anthony and I are neither one in our dream spot here but that also doesn't mean Indiana is either. I just miss my family! If my family lived here, I probably would go back to Indiana here and there but never to stay. It just wasn't my cup of tea.

I am very excited to head to Indiana tomorrow morning. I am also excited to see Hilliary get married and find her happiness. I am also happy to see Britt and my mom and meet Britt's new boyfriend. There is a lot going on back home and it will be good to be there for a few days. I will be there for 4 days and will squeeze everything I can into those 4 days. I might blog while I am there but I can't assure that so until then, have a lovely week and Happy Halloween!


Monday, October 20, 2008

Let me talk to my husband first?

Ok, so I am one of those people that thought I would never say "Let me talk to my husband first" but lately I am noticing I am that girl. It's so hard to agree to go and do things with friends nowdays without checking the husband/wife schedule. The other night a well meaning colleague asked me to attend "happy hour" and I was totally taken aback as to how I responded immediately with "Let me talk to Anthony about that." I think this is probably pretty normal to shift immediately into the responsible wife but I was astounded that it came so naturally and to be honest, felt a little bit lame.

I was always so sure that I would keep my fierce independence when I said vows and I would just "do as I wanted." Oh how marriage has schooled me! Anthony has never asked me to clear things with him nor have we even discussed this matter but somehow I had an engrained response that said "Erica, you must check with your husband regarding this matter." Now, I should note, there are things that I do not check with Anthony on. I do not ask Anthony to make coffee dates with friends on my own time. I do not check with him on what girls I befriend or even what I do while I am at school but when there is a chance that an event could break into married time...I seek counsel from my gorgeous husband.

Did anyone else experience this immediate need to be wifely and seek counsel? I really pray that someone understands me. Give me an Amen if you relate! :)


Friday, October 17, 2008

Insomnia is not my friend.

I can't figure out what is going on in my world. I haven't been able to sleep lately. I seem to take hours to get to sleep and when I finally do get to sleep I do not stay asleep. This totally sucks. I have a huge day today filled with teenage clients, a WAIS administration, and then I still need to function in order to be a wife, driver on the road, and a diabetic. This may sound like NOT a big deal, but it is. I am running on empty in my world but my brain won't let me just rest. I layed awake for about an hour and 1/2 tonight as my husband snored his cute little self to pieces. I then finally got to sleep and woke up again promptly at 4:00 am and layed in the dark tossing and turning and thinking until 4:32 when I gave up and got out of the bed to go into the living room and prepare for my day. I hate this! What is going on? Anyone have any ideas as to why my sleep is so interrupted and brief? This is so frustrating.

I need to sleep so I guess I have to wait until this exhausting day is over and I hope I can just shut my brain down!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

More every day.

Today I had something really weird happen. Anthony went up to Fontana in order to celebrate his brother Paul's birthday with him. I decided I would stay in Anaheim in order to study but really because I think he needs that time with his brother and I wanted Anthony to be able to give his full attention to that. This morning Anthony and I went out shopping in order to pick up a few things for Hill's bridal shower but also decided to go the shoe store and see if there were any nice heels for Hill's wedding. We ended up finding two very hot pairs of shoes on clearance for 70% off equaling $30.00 for two pairs of name brand shoes. It was awesome. Even more awesome was that I seriously just love time with my husband.

We then headed home so Anthony could go up and meet his brother for lunch. Anthony dropped me off and I wanted to run after his car because for some reason I already missed him. I spent the next 10 minutes crying because I missed him so badly. I am usually not like this at all. Anthony works sometimes 10-15 hours a day and I am away from him entire days while I am in school but for some reason there was a saddness in him being off work and I wasn't going to be with him. Let me add here that Anthony invited me and wanted me to go with him and I chose not to. I knew that he needed that time with his brother and there are a few other reasons that I will not blog about. Either way, I had not experienced that intense of an emotion about him leaving before and it felt odd.

The minute I walked away from him today I thought outloud..."I love that man so much!" and I realized just how passionate I am about my husband and how over the last 2 and 1/2 years with him my love has grown enormously and even more so over the last 2 months of being his wife. It's just really strange to realize how head over heels you are about someone when you thought you knew. I don't know, I feel weird today. Enough of this, I might cry again.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Old...yet new.

Yesterday I was at my special studying spot which is no big secret to the world nor is it that great of a find but I study at Starbucks for a couple of reasons. First of all, they have food now so I can get a drink and study through lunch and I don't have to go anywhere new. Also, they have the best music playing in the background so it inspires me to continue studying for some reason. Also, I can't seem to study at my house because there are far too many distractions there like cleaning, watching tv, being on the internet, etc... I don't even take my laptop to Starbucks because I know myself all too well and my awesome study hours would be spent playing Mah Jonng or writing blogs to be honest.

Well, yesterday I was there for about 6 hours studying and then meeting up with a friend and while I was there in the afternoon, they played a cd of entirely Ella Fitzgerald and I remembered how much I like old music. Music used to be about talent. Music used to be about instruments coming together to sound like something inspirational. Music used to be about lyrics that made you understand the writer. As I was listening, I heard an oldie but a goodie...Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered and now that I am older, I think I know what she was talking about. I think we have all been here as women and so I decided to pay tribute today to Ella and her amazing song by posting the lyrics here. Enjoy some older music if you get a chance and if you need me, I'll be at Starbucks!

After one whole quart of brandy
Like a daisy, I'm awake
With no Bromo-Seltzer handy
I don't even shake

Men are not a new sensation
I've done pretty well I think
But this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep
When love came and told me, I shouldn't sleep
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He can laugh, but I love it
Although the laugh's on me

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

He's a fool and don't I know it
But a fool can have his charms
I'm in love and don't I show it
Like a babe in arms

Love's the same old sad sensation
Lately I've not slept a wink
Since this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I've sinned a lot, I'm mean a lot
But I'm like sweet seventeen a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And worship the trousers that cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he's at his very best

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank God, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Wise at last, my eyes at last,
Are cutting you down to your size at last
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Burned a lot, but learned a lot
And now you are broke, so you earned a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Couldn't eat, was dispeptic
Life was so hard to bear
Now my heart's antiseptic
Since you moved out of there

Romance, finis.
Your chance, finis.
Those ants that invaded my pants, finis.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Thursday, October 02, 2008

When you wish upon a star...

Lately I have been having a really hard time just feeling unmotivated and sad. Things have been slowing down in life a bit and as things get spirit gets louder. The things that I have genuinely gone through over the past 28 years of life have slowly been making their way around and bringing me back in the quiet. This week I took a bold step on my part and took the week off of school. It worked out better than I imagined and I had the support of my professors and husband in that endeavor. I chose to truly take a step to take care of myself. There have been times in the past where I took the days off but I would do homework, catch up on errands, clean, work, etc.... Not this time! I did what I said I would do. I spend the entire day yesterday with my husband. We had a glorious time. We smiled, we laughed, we bonded emotionally, bonded physically, sparked up some passion, and rode pirates of the caribbean. That's right, we spent 9 hours in Disneyland.

Anthony and I have a special relationship with two locations so far. One is Las Vegas as we have had numerous weekends together there and our most recent weekend involved our wedding day. The other location is the Magic Kingdom, the happiest place on Earth, Disneyland! We love everything about Disneyland. We love watching kids that are so excited with all that is around them. We love watching married people holding hands and sitting in Small World boats together kissing. We love mickey ears, mickey shaped balloons, lanyards and pin collections, and Anthony loves their $6.00 corndogs right off of Mainstreet.

The Magic Kingdom really is that to us..magic. It made the day special, relaxing, peaceful, not stressful, depressing, or sad. I am truly at home behind those gates and turnstiles. I am in a place where nothing can reach me or sadden me. The world is somewhat forgotten while I am in there in my disney gear, holding a bottled water that cost more than a gallon of gas but the perma smile on my face makes it all worth it. I love Disney!!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hide and Seek

Life and God is teaching me something new lately. I have always had a hard time being known. I have no problem with knowing. Many people feel safe and comfortable telling me what is on their hearts and going on in their lives. I have had several friends and even acqaintances tell me things that were clearly difficult for them to admit and probably caused them some level of shame. This never led me to reciprocate. Over years and years I have had a terrible time allowing others to get to know me. This blog is the closest thing to honesty I have ever known. Even the blog does include some level of hiddeness which is probably good since it's public.

That being said, I am learning to be more open. God is putting me through this task for authenticity with Him, but even on a social level I am starting to open up. I am terrified of this decision as this gives these people an opportunity to tell everything they know and ruin my life or so I think! This probably would never ruin my life so let's get gives these people an opportunity to judge me and for the other people they tell to judge me. Judgment is hard for me and especially if your judgment includes me being stupid, weak, bad, less than, or not "together."

I know that on some level...I AM all of those things. There are moments when I make stupid decisions. There are moments where I feel incredibly weak and present that way. There are certainly times where I do things that God doesn't like and they are BAD decisions. There are a million topics on which others are better than me at something including grades, sports, art, crafts, friendship, money, etc... There will always be someone better. As for being "together" I think we know from this post that it isn't true. I am so tired of holding up this guard and facade that I am starting to realize that it's not worth it.

I started with a new therapist last week and it was a freeing experience to be able to tell him that I hide from the world and tell him I do not plan to do that with him. I plan to chance it under every circumstance. If something causes me pain or heartache, I have to get it out or I will never feel better. I want to feel better. I have been battling so many things for so many years and it's time to let them go. I want to have a happy life, marriage, and family and this is a step on that path. God help me be honest!!!

Here is to being sought!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Golden Rule Doesn't Apply to Children?

I am going to sound a little overly passionate today and the truth is, I am. On Thursday of last week I took a little time for myself and went to Mimi's for lunch to just sit and relax and read for school. I was on an extra long break from class and just wanted to go somewhere relaxing. I went in and ordered my quiche and coffee and settled in for some good Erica date time. About 10 minutes into my relaxing lunch, a woman came in with her son. If I had to guess, he was about 8-10 years old. She looked about 40-45 years old. I am telling you this so you can see that she was old enough to know better. She was on her cell phone when she walked into the restraunt and was greeted by the host. She was quickly seated as it was a really quiet time in the afternoon and she stayed on the phone talking loudly and clearly having a social conversation and gossiping about someone who had treated her poorly according to her loud story. Her child sat there and tried to get her attention as she shushed him and went back to her conversation.

She stayed on the phone as he continued to try to get her attention, as the waiter came over for their drink order, as the waiter came back with the drinks and took the actual food order, as she ran out of soda and got up out of her seat to let the waiter know just how slow he really was and to huff and puff as she had to recap the drinks they had ordered previously. She finally got off the phone just in time to gulp down her burger and fries but it was already too late for her son. He had laid down in the booth and fallen asleep before his food came because in all reality he was eating lunch alone.

So I got to thinking...Is there no respect for children at all? I wasn't really respected as a child but I thought we had come further than this and realized that children are just smaller people, therefore, they deserve the respect that all other persons deserve. Then I started realizing that this woman did not respect anyone. She did not respect the host as she spoke on her cell phone. She did not respect the waiter as she talked on the cell phone and spoke down to him as if he was lower than herself. She did not respect me and the other customers who were trying to enjoy our lunch and she talked very loudly. Just a note, I was not the only one having a quiet reading lunch. Mostly, she did not respect herself. She was unkempt in appearance, ate horribly, and drank 4 regular sodas in a 20 minute period.

I left that restraunt sad. I was sad for that little boy who doesn't feel important to his mother. I felt sad for the waiter that was treated so poorly. I was sad for those of us trying to read our books who got nothing done but watching this bad behavior. I mostly felt sad that his woman does not understand her child's worth, her own worth, or other people's worth. Maybe this issue wasn't about children but I wanted to state that I think the golden rule applies to children too! How many of us would want to be out to lunch with someone we cared for and sit in the booth with them while they had a conversation with someone else. And quite honestly, which of us would do this to a friend? I made a vow to myself and God that my children will be treated with respect in my life!

Just a thought!

--Erica Lewis--

Friday, September 12, 2008

I am a Knit Wit!

So lately I have been learning a new craft and if you read our Lewis Family Blog then you know that we are knitting now. I have been doing it for about 3 days and I have quite a bit done on my scarf. I am going to load pictures up through the progression and I would ask you to remember that this is my FIRST project. Also, I am not entirely craft minded so this is a huge step for me to even take this on. Academics have always come easily to me but crafts, art, creativity, etc... has always been my downfall.

I am learning so much from knitting. I am learning to relax and be still. I am learning patience as it is something I have to learn and practice. I am learning self grace as I know this is challenging for me and I don't excel at it right now and that is a huge issue for me normally. It's also a bonding experience between me and my husband because he is really creative, artistic, and crafty and he taught me how to do it by learning it himself. He is enjoying it too and he is secure enough to say so!

Anyway, I just wanted to share what is new in my life and say Congratulations to my beautiful friends Jamie and Brent Barnett who just welcomed their first child into the world. Thier son, Corban Azariah Barnett was born on Sunday September 7th at 3:45 am. He is gorgeous and I am so happy for them! Congrats Barnett Family! :)

--Erica Lewis--

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I am learning to Knit

Yes, you read right. I have decided to learn to knit. I always am so impressed by people who do arts and crafts who are actually good at these things. I have no patience to learn a new skill sometimes because I feel inadequate and stupid when it doesn't come easy to me. All of my life art projects and things of this nature have been a sore on my behind. When I was about 20 I decided to start scrapbooking and I finally found something I enjoyed and was pretty good at. Now, I love scrapping and I can make homemade cards and do a few other things but I still have difficulty with anything involving my fine motor skills.

So, tonight I had my mind fixed on learning how to Knit. Anthony and I picked up yarn and knitting needles and a book and sure enough, we have started to knit. The only reason Anthony is even doing this is to learn so he can teach me. I have no patience and he has all the patience in the world to teach me things. I love my husband so much as he sits in front of youtube videos and searches out directions on knitting with blue knitting needles and pink yarn all because his wife wants to learn to do this! This man loves me so much. How did I get so lucky?

Anyway, pray that this all works out and I learn this. I want to be posting progress of my projects as I learn! I am proud of myself for even challenging myself in such a manner. Oh crafts, why are they so hard for me yet I want to be so good at them?!

Monday, September 08, 2008

Moved to tears!

Watch the video below and just thank God for the days that you have before you. These people are truly heroes in my eyes!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Wedding Prints for virtually nothing!

Hey everyone, I had to tell you about the great deal I got today thanks to an awesome blog and my own searching....

Money Saving Mom --a few of the ideas came from this awesome blog!

I went onto York Photos,, and Snap Fish and made new accounts with each of them. An account with these companies as well as photo storage is completely free. Well, add to that that you get free prints from each company and I was able to get our wedding prints (a total of 120 prints) for about $3.00 total! Is that amazing or what? Also, just a note, York Photos are only 8 cents a print after that so I would suggest that company for further photo needs. Also, has amazing deals on gifts like a photo collage poster for $12.49 as do the other companies. The bonus to CVS is that you can order them online and pick them up in your local store so it sidesteps the shipping process and the possiblity of your prints getting bent in the mail. That's a huge issue to me since I ordered a really great print and it was bent completely in half when I received them from another company.

Thanks for stopping in and I hope you get some free prints out of this deal like I did!

--Erica Lewis--

Awesome greeting card giveaway!

Hey everyone, I wanted to let you know about an awesome giveaway I found on a really cool blog. Check out the giveaway and enter to win but also stay a while and check out the blog that I have been recently enjoying! Have a lovely day and use the link below to get to the giveaway posting! :)

Enter for Beautiful Greeting Cards

Have a lovely day my blogging public!

--Erica Lewis--

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Blogging, another love, not new but certainly strong

So I am officially a blogging addict. Not only do I have this blog but I have a Lewis Family Blog and I visit around 10-20 blogs a day and keep up with them on a normal basis. I thought I would give a shout out to the ones I view everyday and love with all of my heart. Some of them are blogs of inspiration and help to me as a Christian and a wife, some of these are money saving tips, freebies, and coupons, and others are just for the pure entertainment value or I love the writer. Here are my favorite blogs and what you can find there!

The Howerton Family Blog This is a blog of a friend/professor of mine and I love keeping up on her lovely family and beautiful children.

Mama Manifesto This is a blog that my above friend/professor writes for and it features several moms and great tips, recipes, humor, etc...

My Special Ks This is a blog I stumbled upon yesterday but it's now one of my favorites. It is about a family (The Garcia's) and it just moved me. I can't explain. Give yourself a whole afternoon and go and read about their journey!

Money Saving Mom This is a blog where I Find freebies, coupons, deals, etc...

Newlyweds This blog is about a young family with twins and it features deals, coupons, recipes, and pictures of their beautiful family.

There are so many new ones I have bookmarked and plans to come back to so my blogging life is only beginning. I have personally had a blog since 2004 as you can see on my archives here but I am only now getting really serious about it and planning on making mine more public. I love blogging and I love to read a good blog. If anyone finds a great one out there, share with me! I am always excited to read a new one. Have a bloggirific day! :)

--Erica Lewis

Monday, September 01, 2008

Coupons, the new love of my life!

As I became a wife and learned about budgeting I became very insistent about learning how to get the most for my money and do the most wonderful things on a budget. So far, I have learned how to clip coupons and use them to get the best deals, make money from home, homemake Christmas gifts, cards, and ornaments, and entertain on very low amounts of excess dough! :) I am proud of myself.

Tonight as Anthony and I watched Robin Hood Men in Tights, I sat one the couch like the domestic queen that I am and clipped coupons and seperated them into their respective departments like Frozen food, Dining Out coupons, Services, Crafts, and the like. I find this game fun and I am really good at it. I am loving being a wife and Anthony is really proud of the things I learn while I am working so hard at keeping us fed, clothed, entertained, and put together! I love making him proud and he loves that I try so hard!

Overall here are a few lessons I have learned:

1. Clip all of the coupons you find, you never know what could go on sale and could be FREE at some point.

2. Use coupons in conjunction with sales at stores and you will get things for very little money, free, or could even have money back.

3. Smartsource (sunday paper), online coupons, and a magazine called "All You" *found at Wal-mart* are good sources to find coupons.

4. Coupons might not be worth it if there are not sales on that item currently, keep them until they are on sale.

5. Give away coupons to friends who have pets, babies, etc...if the products don't fit your life. They may have things that you need.

I love this life. It's so fun to see how far the money can stretch and find something outside of school that gives me purpose, fun, and helps my family. YAY Mrs. are the wife you have always wanted to be! :)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Reunion time.

Tonight I was able to catch up with a friend whom I haven't spoken with in more than 7 years. When my wedding was cancelled in 2001, she was my best friend in the world and was even supposed to be my maid of honor. We slowly lost touch when she herself got engaged and then married. I think my own hurts, disappointments, and pain kept me from continuing a relationship with her. Lately I have missed her so much and it was awesome to be able to talk with her tonight and begin working on our friendship again. She was the best friend to me over years and years and there is nothing I wouldn't do to regain the relationship. I am just praising God for this reunion. When you have a true friend in life, you don't want to lose them. She also has a little girl now and she is precious. I can't wait to meet her in person. I just wanted to share this news and thank God for it on here. I like to chronicle my whole journey and she is a huge part of my entire journey. I am happy to have you back Keisha! :)

Friday, August 29, 2008

School update

Hey everyone, so school is officially back in action. I have only had 3 of my 5 classes so far due to schedule differences at the program. On Wednesday I had Psych testing. It is really going to be a lot of work but I am excited to learn how to administer tests and score and things. On Thursday I had both special topics and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and they were both really cool. There is a large work load in all of my classes but after 2 years of this, I was prepared for that. There are quite a few writing assignments, a ton of reading, and two clients so far that I have to have for my classes. I need one client for testing in order to administer, score, and interpret the tests and one for Cog B to learn techniques and practice them.

The classes I haven't had yet are Case conceptualization and Clinical Psychopharmacology. I am excited about both because I am a total nerd and love being in school. Also, it has been really nice since Anthony is working for both of us and I don't have to have a job. I am making small amounts of money on the side right now doing things from home and a small assistantship at school. From home I am doing online lesson plans for a tutoring company, recycling, online tutoring, etc... At school I am going to be decorating for Holidays and cleaning up the Grad Psych department on a regular basis and it makes decent extra cash for groceries and household supplies. It should be a busy but good semester.

I just started at a new practicum site location. I am still with the same agency but I am just working at a different school. I was able to visit the school today and it was a much better environment than my last school and I am looking forward to working with the clients there. I am very excited for all that this semester brings and the ability to focus on school entirely this year! Graduation in May never looked so good though! :)

I hope everyone is doing well, leave a comment with what's new in your life or jot me an email. I miss everyone back home so much!

--Erica Lewis--

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It's official

I just wanted to write in here and let everyone know that I went to the Social Security office today and changed my name legally to Erica Lea Lewis! YAY! I am officially Mrs. Lewis! :) Just wanted to let everyone know!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Give Peace a Chance

So tonight I was watching one of my favorite ministers recorded on DVR and it was about putting on the full armor of God and I was just thinking about the shoes of peace. She (the minister) asked the congregation what stole their peace. I began to think about the things that literally steal my peace and I came up with the following list:

1. Procrastinating-- When I procrastinate on things I really need to get done I lose all of my peace. I can't sleep well, I don't enjoy rest time, I don't feel good in my spirit and it makes me feel badly toward the project or task I need to do. An example of this is having an assignment to do for school. Let's say I have to read 25 pages of text by the next Wednesday. I have one week to complete the reading assingment and get the material digested. I will not do this until Tuesday night possibly Wednesday morning and then I might not even do it at all if I am pressed for time. This makes me want to skip school and not go to class or it makes me feel inadequate once I am in class. I often don't do as well on assingments as I could have if I finished the reading and I can not really engage in class discussions without having read the assignment. Procrastination steals my joy and my peace!

2. Being spread too thin -- When I overbook myself I tend to lose all of my peace. Sometimes I will take on too much in order to look like a superhero and in turn, wear myself out and I end up doing nothing to my full potential. The house will look awful, my school assignments will be half done and my clients suffer in my attention span and rest. I have learned not to do this but the old self sometimes rears up and I want to take on more in my 24 hours than I honestly can do. I am ok being a human, superhero status steals my peace!

3. Not keeping comittments -- When I fail to keep a comittment I have no peace in my life. This might happen in something I have agreed to do for my husband, an appointment I have slept through or cancelled due to earlier said procrasination, forgetting to call a friend, etc... Not keeping comittments steals my peace!

4. Money issues -- This one is going away slowly day by day with God's help but when I am in financial crisis, I have no peace. This is usually brought on by myself but lately God has really been changing me. Before, I might go out and buy lunch out, a new shirt, spend $60 at target on absolutely nothing, etc... and I would have no peace about it after I did it. Now, I know how to tell myself no and there is so much peace knowing I am doing the best thing for me, my marriage, my home, and my God. Money issues steal my peace!

5. Feeling Ill -- Being sick makes my peace go out the window. Again, usually this is self-inflicted as I am a diabetic and have often not taken good care of my health. I gain weight, my sugar goes out of control, I get headaches, I feel depressed, I get infections of all sorts and my doctor visits are always bad news. This completely steals my peace!

These are the big 5 things that steal my peace. The minister also said that we need to change ourselves in order to walk in peace. If we know what steals our peace, we should be making changes to walk in peace like the Bible tells us in Ephesians. That is part of our armor against the Devil's attacks. The way I plan to make changes are below:

1. Stop procrasinating and do things when I think of them and when they are assigned. Give myself shortened periods to be on the internet by setting a timer and only earning time on the internet when I have completed my tasks. Get adequate sleep, rest, and self care time in order to refuel myself to do assigned tasks.

2. Say no! Think logically about the responsibilities I have in life such as keeping my house clean, making meals, shopping for the household, laundry, homework, client paperwork, practicum hours, class time, work projects, etc...and realize that no new comittments really fit!

3. Let my yes be yes and my no be no. Remember that faithfulness is one of the fruits and when I am not faithful to my word, I am not sharing the fruits. Do not comitt to things I can't do.

4. Let God have the money issues and pray over the things God trusts us with and learn to say no to myself about things I might want but will regret later.

5. Take time to exercise daily, eat correctly for my disease, take all necessary medications, listen to the doctor, attend all appointments, and try to make healthier choices daily.

This is what God spoke to me tonight and I wanted to share it in case someone else struggles in letting their peace get stolen. I am no longer allowing my peace to be out there for the thief to steal!

--Erica Lewis--

Ericaland has a new look

Hey, for those of you who are avid readers of my blog, you have probably noticed I have a new look. I also changed our look over at The Lewis Family Blog at where you can find all of the Lewis Family news. I wanted to let you all know that I got this awesome background at a really cool site where you can get free backgrounds for your blog that are simple and cute and also don't take over your blog or make it hard to read. You can find this amazing site at

Have a lovely day and posts to come...

Erica Lewis

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Discipline continued and other news

So Anthony and I have been husband and wife for 11 days today. We got married on August 9th in Las Vegas which was planned for about 2 months. We had a really beautiful ceremony and moreso are really working toward a beautiful marriage. Every night we spend time going through the Four A's which are affirmation, affection, apologies, and Amen (asking for prayer), we are praying together and working through a devotion we got for a wedding gift. God is really moving in our lives and teaching us great lessons through our marriage.

I see Anthony growing so much and I hope he sees the same in me. We are excited to be married but also realize that we have to constantly keep our relationship centered in Christ if we want it to be blessed, happy, and strong. A cord of three strands is not easily broken after all.

Britt was here for two weeks from August 4-18 and it was a blast having her here. We watched a ton of movies, went to Ripley's Believe it or not, enjoyed Vegas together, had coldstone and Joe's Crab Shack, went clearance shopping, made cupcakes, had my birthday party, and all kinds of other things. She went home on Monday of this week and I miss her terribly! I will most likely be going home in October though so only a few months until we can hang out again.

Discipline has not been going so well in August due to the wedding, birthday, and having a houseguest so I am back on track today and working toward getting my goals for the day done. Those are keeping the kitchen cleaned and working out mostly as well as hearing God's word in some form or fashion. I am making small steps because when I have made radical ones in the past, it hasn't lasted. I want lasting change in my life so I am working slowly and taking small bites.

I will write again tomorrow most likely and update on my progress. God help me!

Thursday, July 31, 2008


So here is the definition of my topic today: training to improve strength or self-control. This is a topic that I have stayed away from in the past because it even sounds painful for me. Discipline when you are little means getting a spankin, grounding, or perhaps making amends in some way for something you have done wrong. This isn't the true meaning of the word and it wasn't meant to be construed this way. I have been reading a book about spiritual disciplines and really searching my heart about how disciplined I am in my spiritual journey. I am not very disciplined at all to tell the truth. I am going to be blogging about my journey through this book and through my heart in this quest to become more spiritually disciplined. There are also other areas that I want disciplined in. These are:

-- Money
-- Exercise
-- Food
-- Household tasks and chores
-- School work and career development
-- Affection/Caring for others
-- Anger/emotional managment

I am kind of at a starting over place in my life and what better time to learn the word discipline and start to practice some of the disciplines of life. These take time so I am going to document my journey which may take more than one year to get some of these down.


I am starting at HEARING the word of God on a regular basis. I have decided to DVR some preaching that I know is from a reputable speaker, listen to my Bible Experience DVDS each day, and read literature that is written from this perspective. This is a great first step to my spiritual disciplines. I want to learn about God's word and hearing it is one step. I also want to find a church in our area that we can attend and start to develop our family in.


I want to keep a spending log for the entire month of August for our household to begin to see our budget in a new light and start to work harder to manage it and not have excess but to really use what we have and only get what we need.


I want to use August to visit the gym in my apartment complex 4 days a week and use the equipment provided like treadmills, weight machines, bikes, walking area around the complex, and pool in order to gain exercise time. If I can not get to the facility on 4 days, it is my responsibility to get to 24 hour fitness or do an exercise tape in my home.


I want to use August to develop a habit of eating breakfast in my home and thinking it through daily while eating carbs, protein, fat, and dairy every morning. I want to use the diabetic outline and start to get fueled in the morning for my day.

Household Tasks and Chores:

I want to make sure all dishes are done and kitchen is properly cleaned before bedtime for the month of August. I will not place any other standards on myself but getting used to a kitchen routine of doing dishes, putting away leftovers, and cleaning down counters each night. This includes making lunches for the next day, keeping drinks stocked, and preparing for the next days meals.

School work and Career Development:

I will make a committment for August to attend all of my classes, do all of my reading, and attend all of my sessions with the kids at Access in order to develop more in my career. Easy for me to say since School starts on the 27th! :)

Affection/Caring for others:

I will make it a point in August to discipline myself to be more affectionate with my husband and use physical touch (his love language) to be connected with him. It is very hard for me to remember as it isn't that big of an issue for me but it is vitally important to him so I want that discipline in my life.

Anger/Emotional Managment:

I will make it a point in August to discipline myself to not raise my voice to my husband. I want to use a calm voice no matter what I feel inside but also express my true feelings to him but with love and gentleness that God wants me to use.


In August, I want to discipline myself to keep my planner up to date always and try to manage my time according to the planner and not waste a lot of time in my life. Procrastinating causes me so much anxiety and I want to stop doing it.

I will continue to check in on where I am on all of these things. I am excited to start to learn discipline. Some of these will take shorter times to discipline myself towards than others.


Goodbyes and stresses

So my life is completely changing in the next month. By September I won't have the same job, same practicum site, same relationship status or same last name. Everything is changing. I will be a married, unemployed, housewife, student, and stress ball. I am nervous about so many things right now that I can't even begin to write a post that makes any sense. My body is reacting heavily to all of these stresses in that my digestive tract is very messed up and even my female body doesn't like all that is occuring.

I think my body tends to tell me when too much is going down so that my emotions don't have to process it. I am going to try to process my emotions on here about all that is going on through the next couple of weeks but to be honest, I am dry right now. I cried for a literal 20 minutes straight last night in all of my disappointment, excitment, goodbyes, and stresses. I am losing some relationships, gaining other relationships, and possibly gaining a lot more responsibility than I have ever had.

I am absolutely bottomed out on emotion. My next post is gonna be about something I don't have yet and wish to develop. DISCIPLINE!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Being poor

So I have a real problem with not having excess of things. That includes money, food, hair products, health, organization, drinks in the house, etc... This may sound crazy and it probably is crazy but it's something I have had a problem with since I was very young. I tend to hoarde (not in the sense of stacks and stacks of things piled up in my house) everything I buy. For instance, I have more shoes than I really need. Yes, this could be chalked up to the part of me that is rather feminine and loves shoes. I always feel like I am going to run out of things. For example, when I go to the store and buy ziploc bags; I always buy 3-4 boxes of them because I might run out and that causes me anxiety.

I am not sure where this anxiety of "running out" has come from but I grew up in a wealthy family where I got all of the things I needed and most of the things I wanted. It was within reason because my mother certainly did not just give in to every whim of my childhood desires and for that, I am glad. The one thing I always remember is that my mom (as we say in the midwest) "cooked for an army." When she made fried chicken, she would cook 10-12 boneless skinless breasts for a family of 5. When she made cheeseburgers, there would be 10 cheeseburgers for our family which indicated we each got 2, no matter how old we were at the time.

All that to say, it has created in me not only a weight problem but a problem with having the necessary things in my life. I can't just have what I need and live within my means that way. I tend to worry constantly about running out of things that I can easily go to the grocery store or Target and buy more of when I am out. If you saw my hall closet by the bathroom, you would ask yourself "Who needs 15 bottles of shampoo?" to hold them. I am not by any means some kind of style queen either who has to try all of the different shampoos. They are all completely full except for the one in the shower that I am currently using. I feel like a Costco as a person.

In my kitchen, you will notice we have about 20 different snacks because I might run out or get bored of the ones I have. I have cleaning products out the wazoo yet I only have a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. I have more diabetic supplies than CVS and most of the time, I don't even admit I have diabetes. What is wrong with me? There is something drastically wrong.

Now, this is coming up in my life in a way that leads me to think I need to work through it. I am getting ready to get married in 13 days from today. I am also transitioning to quitting my job on August 1st. This means our income will be cut in half. We made more than enough to pay all of our bills when we both worked full time. I am going to be working only part time from here on for the next year. We are going to have to cut back significantly on things such as food, electricity use, entertainment, phone use, etc... because those are the areas that can be cut unlike rent or car insurance.

Anthony is having no trouble at all doing this and says "I will do what needs to be done to make it work." I say the same thing but deep in the inner parts of me, I am anxious. Terribly anxious. I am nervous that I won't have enough to eat, that I won't have enough entertainment, that I will run out of things or things will break and I will be without. Now, there is an obvious correlation that I can think of when I realize that this problem has gotten out of hand. My mom was never much of a financial planner in the sense that she would work, get a paycheck, spend her paycheck and then run to my grandparents to pay the bills. When they died, her life got very unmanageable. Utilities were quickly turned off, our house was forclosed on, and she ended up in a two bedroom section 8 apartment, on food stamps, and public assisted everything.

She bounced more checks than cleared and she would fall back on "borrowing" money from me or my sisters to make ends meet. She would take handouts from anyone who would give them and for that, it was disgusting. I get anxious even thinking about being anything like that and needing others to take care of me. I am worried that with me not working and us not having "excess upon excess" that I am not being responsible enough and will end up in the place she is. Not literally but metaphorically.

All of this comes to a place for me where I need to begin praying about this and working on it in therapy. I am terribly uncomfortable with how it makes me feel and my heart is stunted in my relationship with Anthony as my anxiety turns to anger and frustration and then causes difficulities in what will be our marriage. I want to be Proverbs 31 in whatever way I can but this is not one of her qualities..I am sure!

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today. I am exhausted thinking about this but thanks for reading.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Burn out

Have you ever given your entire self to something and really dedicated yourself to it just to be underappreciated and treated like you were never faithful. Today, I got that treatment when taking a day off from work. In just 7 work days (9 days if you count weekends) I will be done with my obligation to the nanny position. In 4 years, I have taken maybe a total of about 10 sick days. I have worked most holidays excluding Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have also allowed my job description to change drastically while my pay changed minimally. I have taken on being a mom when I got hired as a Nanny. I have been a friend and confidant in times of trouble, I have done things that were beyond my comfort zone and not quit over them but simply talked them out. I have been a faithful employee and all because I missed two days in a row, I am "slacking off" and "abusing our relationship."

This all came as a shock to me today and really made me feel badly about myself most of the afternoon. I refuse to allow it to continue to make me feel that way. I know what I have done for this family. I know the sacrifices I have made at times to help out. I know that I have not been able to give my school work the attention it deserves because I was practically doing the child's homework with encouragement from the father to do so. I have been blamed for things that a 15 year old has done and to be honest, I am burned out on being treated with disrespect.

Because I am a woman of my word, I will finish strong with these last 7 days and then I will celebrate and rest knowing that my job was well done and was left at the right moment. God help me finish this the way you would want me to!


Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm Engaged!!!

Anthony asked me to marry him on July 14, 2008!!!! We are so excited. The wedding is happening in just 19 days from today on August 9th in Vegas with a few close friends and family. We are going to have a big ceremony In August of next year most likely after I have graduated and can focus more! It will be a renewal of vows with the whole deal! :) Here are a few pics of my ring too!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The lifestyle change.

So lately I have realized that I need to change my lifestyle. Now, that sounds like another post about my weight. It isn't. Sure there is a component that has to do with my weight but it is one of several things that need to change. I will list for you the things that need to change in my life and you'll see, it's a complete LIFESTYLE change.

  • Lose weight
  • Eat better
  • Exercise daily
  • Spiritual disciplines
  • Stop spreading myself so thin
  • No more procrastinating
  • Believe in me!
  • Respect and Honor my boyfriend entirely
  • Keep my house in order
  • Stop having to be perfect and just be "good enough"
  • Forgive and forget
  • Find a church home
  • Financial maturity

As you can see, I have my hands full. I am going to use my blog to report on how I am doing and the steps I am taking to get my life together. Not everything will be moving at the same time but everyday I will be making choices that make these areas better. I'll check in later maybe.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Life, updated and changed.

I was just stopping in to read my last post so I can see where I should catch up and sure enough, I couldn't believe I had posted that. I was so frustrated. Things are certainly different nowdays. Anthony ended up keeping his job due to his work record being very good and was only suspended for 10 days. It made a dent in finances but it really was the best situation we could have had. On April 18th we signed the lease to our new apartment. We now live in Anaheim and it's ok. It's not where I really wanted to live but it is in our price range and provides the items and amenities we really wanted. About a month ago, I put in my notice with the nanny job. I have decided to not continue doing it after August 1st. I have just had enough of it because it takes so much of me and so does Graduate School. I want to give school the best of me for the last year.

That was an incredibly hard decision to make but since I have made it, God has shown me numerous ways that it was the right decision. I am loving my apartment in the sense that it is fully furnished now and looking more like a home every day. Anthony and I really did not want to live together before we were married, however, finances do not allow for us to have seperate places when we are so close to getting married. Anthony hasn't officially popped the question yet however we know that we are going towards getting married in the next year.

Therapy is going much better than last stated. My individual is starting to move again toward some of the bigger issues I am tired of fighting. I think that this will be the biggest hurdle for me right now and we are working on food/diabetes/caring for my self issues. Also, group therapy is going much better, but I wish I would have picked a different day as my job sometimes gets in the way of me attending. That is a bummer. Oh well, that is about to stop being a problem in August. Premarital is going as well as therapy can go. I used to think that our therapist kind of picked on me but lately I am starting to see I am a huge part of the problem so she has no choice. I am seeing a vast increase in our harmony when I make changes to how I do things. I am proud of myself most days in our relationship.

Things have been hard here and there but God has been good and I passed advancement with no problems. I am very proud of that and I have decided to do an assisstantship for money in the school year and won't be working. I am excited about focusing on school again. Anyway, I will stop in soon and keep up on Anthony and I at...

Hope to see you there.


Friday, April 11, 2008

Damn Grad School

So I have figured out that Graduate School was definitely not what I thought it was going to be. My first thoughts were that I would get in and learn all of these interesting things and therapy would come naturally to me and I would be star student and when it all ended, I would be glad I chose it. How my life has changed since I got into Vanguard. First of all, this damn program shows you all of your stinkin faults through a magnifying glass called countertransference. The classes I feel like are in fast forward and you barely get to scratch the surface before they are pushing you through and calling it finals time. I am getting ready to go through advancement and I feel like I just started the program a few minutes ago and I know very little from what I knew day one. I have taken a bit more clients now but I don't feel like I really know what it is like to do therapy and feel like I know what the hell I am doing.

At this point I attend individual, premarital, and group therapy and each one is exhausting in its own rite. Individual I feel is at a stand still. I don't feel like I am growing right now in my individual life. I feel like I am on a slippery slope with myself in terms of self care, organization, and just being able to "keep it all together." My premarital is annoying the shit out of me too because I feel like mine and Anthony's therapist makes just about everything my fault and hell, maybe it is my fault but can you at least pretend he has some part in it? As for group, oh hell...these people all trigger me on some massive level. Ok, only one person does but she triggers me on the worst level....MOM.

So I was reading a book tonight trying to grasp some concepts about Borderline Personality Disorder just so I can begin to understand my own relational style. Sometimes I think maybe I am not just a daughter of a Borderline but rather a Borderline myself. Could it be I just learned this way of communication and relating to others? Could I be I learned from example or am I truly borderline? Who even knows. As I read the description of this personality disorder I felt like it was reading pages out of my own journal or my life story.

Today with clients I realized how valuable it is to get a full history and realized I just don't really know what my history really is. I have lived a lie for so long I need to figure out my own history. I can't bear to not know it anymore. It's so hard to think about not knowing yourself truly and knowing why you do what you do. I am exhausted...truly exhausted. I need to get away. I want to run away as fast as I can and not tell anyone where I am going for fear I will have to live this life another day.

Anthony is currently on suspension from work for wrecking his truck and we don't know if that means termination or not. This is just like my life..when things are good, pull out the artillary. I am broken, very broken right now.


Saturday, January 05, 2008

sick and disorganized

I had all of these amazing plans on how I would start 2008 and for the most part it was completely halted by the yucky sickness that completely ravaged me in Indiana. I flew into Indiana via chicago and ended up having to have my dad come up to Chicago to pick me up because flights were halted out of Chicago. The trip looked to be picking up when I finally reached Mitchell and got to bed at about 4 in the AM the next day. We celebrated Christmas as a family the next day and it went ok. The next day was the day with my dad and Tasha and I started to feel a little sick. That night we celebrated with the sisters and sure enough the sickness reached me.

The next few days were spent at Hill's apartment just laying around and coughing and blowing my nose. Anthony got sick too and so traveling sounded like the last thing we would want to do. We ended up having a pretty uneventful trip home wth no delays or issues. The only big thing was I got really sick at Chicago O'Hare and vomited on the floor. Not good

I have so much to do right now and I can't bring myself to do anything. I should be working out, reading, cleaning, organizing, making calls etc... I am so overwhelmed. Please God let there be some resolve to this sickness!!!