Thursday, November 13, 2008

A case of the yuckies

So I have this monster of a cold that is kicking my rear-end mainly at night. I seem to do "ok" during the day and then when I am going to bed this ferocious cough comes that keeps me awake, uncomfortable, and grumpy. Poor husband isn't getting any rest either with me bringing my lungs up several times in the night. I am so glad that we aren't pregnant yet with me feeling so sick. It would be horrible to not be able to take any meds for this and battle it alone. All that to say, I have been doing very well in all other aspects.

As many of you know, I headed to Indiana a couple of weeks ago to see my sister get married. She will be married 2 weeks tomorrow and just celebrated her 33rd Happy Birthday and Anniversary BOSS! My mom celebrated her 52nd birthday the same day and that got me to thinking. Can you imagine, I started thinking? I started thinking about where I am at in my life and if I am happy there. I came to the conclusion that Yes....Yes I am. I thought I would take some time today to list some things I am thankful for as we approach Thanksgiving and maybe I will focus more on that than this nasty cold!

-- I am thankful that I have the most amazing husband and he helps me study when I am too sick to stay focused alone and he somehow knows exactly what Jerre is going to ask on her quizzes.

-- I am thankful that we have an apartment that I really like even if I don't like the city that much. I love going home and laying on my couch and wrapping up in my throw britt got me and realizing how much I am loved and provided for.

-- I am thankful that I am getting my diabetes in order and feeling much better.

-- I am thankful for the Hoag Diabetes Education Center who are going to teach me how to be a pregnant diabetic!

-- I am thankful for Grad Psych that has absolutely tore me up and put me back together again in the most painful manner possible but man am I a better woman than I came as.

-- I am thankful for a new appreciation for some of my professors and what they bring to my life.

-- I am thankful for new friendships that came from Grad School in Katherine, Elise, Christine, Nicole, etc... It's nice to have good girls in my life.

-- I am thankful for trying to get pregnant because not only does it make babies but it's fun!

-- I am thankful for 3 lovely months married and how much I have learned in just these three months.

God is so good and I just wanted to be thankful today as I sniffle and feel the world is unfair. :)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Mom

All of these are names I have never went by. I haven't officially been an aunt for more than 13 days although two precious little girls call me Aunt Erica. I have always been a little sister, have been a big sister most of my life, and now I am even a sister in law. I have been a full sister, half sister, and now going on a step sister. I have been a step daughter, a grandchild, a step grandchild, and beyond. The one thing I haven't been in my 28 years is coming soon and scares the wits out of me while excites me beyond measure. I am going to be a mother soon. We are not pregnant YET but it's so exciting to think about how this title will be mine in the coming months (hopefully) There are still so many fears on my part beyond the regular ones of trying to be a good mother, delivering a baby, carrying a baby, caring for a baby, etc...

There is a fear of my disease being harsh to me while pregnant. There is a fear of my families mental illnesses being carried on. There is a fear of my career making me scared of everything while parenting. There is a fear of graduate school becoming too hard while I am pregnant. There is a fear of me becoming a mother and never using the degree that I have worked so diligently for. There is a fear of trying to balance home and career. There is a fear of incompetence and lack of knowledge of how to parent or care properly. There are so many fears.

There are so many excitements too. There is the excitement of hearing mama for the first time. There is the excitement of seeing Anthony holding our child and the way he already loves our future little ones. There is the excitement of knowing whose eyes the baby got or whose smile. There is the excitement of seeing the baby take its first steps, speak its first words, and go to school for the first time. I pray that my fears are not going to take over my excitement. I so long for God to help me to keep my focus on Him through this so that I don't forget how much of a blessing it is to be a mother.

I am ready!!! Or am I?