Monday, July 27, 2009

I've been healed!

I don't mean this in some Benny Hinn TBN throw a jacket on me and knock me down kind of healed. I mean deep in the inner recesses of my heart kind of healed. Today is a "special" anniversary and you know what is awesome...I did not remember. Today was 8 years since my wedding was cancelled to my ex. He cancelled it the day before the wedding and basically broke my heart. Today was awesome because I had to be reminded what day it was and if you knew who reminded me you would be even more amazed. When I realized what day it was (by being reminded) I sighed and said to myself "I am over it, Finally!"

Every year before this I did not have to be reminded because I would wake up in a terrible horrible no good very bad mood and would be depressed the whole day that I wasn't married, wasn't good enough, was treated so unfairly, he didn't pay me back for the wedding, blah blah blah and this year...that all sounds so stupid. This year I feel grateful. I am grateful to be married to the most wonderful man on the planet. I am grateful to not be married to someone who was such a coward and lied to me. I am grateful to be the mother of a child for only a few weeks but it was Anthony's child. Thank you Jesus for saving me from divorce for one more year and for healing my broken heart.

Thank you to my ex who gave me that gift as well.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ajustment of the attitude

Last night I had what some might call a "change of heart." Lately I have been hard to live with. I have been crying, angry, bitter, resentful, critical, and downright negative. To be honest, I felt like I deserved to be. I realize now that I owe my husband more than that. We were both going through so much these last couple of weeks. Not only did we have the miscarriage but we saw a sudden scare regarding our finances. Anthony's job has been going poorly for some time and also the hours have been getting thinner on his paychecks. We have had to be late for bills we had never paid late, we had to not pay others while we waited for money to come, and we are having to really cut back on everything in our house. It has been an overwhelming and extremly stressful time in our house but I do not think we helped it any.

We have started to attack each other and be at each other's throats daily instead of being the one place where we are safe. It helped to read emails (comments) from people who love me telling me that it is important to stay together on this. Thank you Terra for your love and encouraging words during this time. They have been priceless. I really took these words to heart and totally changed my atttitude last night. I talked with Anthony before bed and told him how sorry I was that I had not treated him the way I had vowed to a year ago at our wedding. I apologized for the loss of HIS child and how much that must have broken his heart. I vowed again to treat him with respect and be his safe place to fall. I promised him that even if his job does not stay, I will be behind him. I promised him that not only would I encourage him, believe in him, and love him but I would pray for him every hour on the hour while he was at work because it is my job to support him emotionally, lovingly, and spiritually. We made a pact with each other and restarted our book last night "Love Dare" which is loosely based on the movie "Fireproof" that came out last year.

We made a dare to each other today to not say anything negative to each other for the whole day. It won't be hard because I believe that God has truly changed my heart. I have prayed for the healing of my heart today as well and I believe that the healing is coming and our little one will be here before we know it and will be healthy. God has his hands all over our situation and again, thank you to those of you who have been so supportive and loving to me over the weeks of pure pain. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The journey

Things have been really difficult lately for me and I am not sure how to navigate through them. Each day seems like a new challenge and because it is so piled up on top of each other they don't seem to be things that I can handle at the moment. I am normally a very "problem solving" person but lately I feel like each problem that surfaces takes me out for at least a couple of hours in a meltdown. I am very much ready to try to get my life back but my heart just isn't ready.

I have honestly been through so much in my 28 years that you would think that I have some sort of advantage to others that go through pain but it turns out that grief is not a respector of persons. I am grieving so much. I am grieving the loss of our child and quite honestly a dream. I am grieving this stupid disease called diabetes and the ways that it changes my life. I am grieving our finances and the difficult place we are sitting right now. I am grieving with my homesickness. I miss my family so much and really want to see them. I am grieving that I will have a birthday and our one year anniversary in just a few weeks and we don't have a dime to celebrate.

I am just grieving. That is all I know how to do right now.

Friday, July 17, 2009

My first love

Tonight as I sat awake, I decided to seek out some refuge in my first love, Jesus. I started to pray in my heart, search the scriptures, and just ask God what he wants from me. I have known for a long time that his first direction to me is seek first the kingdom. I will say that I haven't always done that. Sometimes I have sought first my relationship, sometimes my education, career, babies, money, health, and the list goes on. God is gently correcting me on this matter this morning as I lay awake trying to find some kind of solace in all that I am going through. Isn't that just like God to show us an area of growth needed when all we want is some comfort and refreshing.

I do not in any way view what happened this weekend as a punishment from God or even as a wake up call. I view it as a very unfortunate event that probably stemmed from a medical problem. I know that God loves Anthony and I very dearly and probably wept with me last night as I begged him to let the pain stop and tonight as I beg him to make my heart stop hurting. God is a compassionate and loving God and I enjoy every time he gently corrects me on where I am in life. I was looking through scripture and came across a scripture that I have heard more than a hundred times I am sure and yet today, I realized how much I have lost direction on this one.

John 13:34-35: A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

This verse really convicted my spirit tonight. This has no relevance to what is currently going on in my life but my lack of love lately has been pretty disturbing. This goes for on the freeway when someone cuts me off, at the grocery store when the cashier doesn't give me what I believe to be great customer service and when someone hurts me intentionally or unintentionally. Lately I have been short on patience and love. I think that right now my spirit is so pliable and willing that God is using this time to really speak to the parts of me that need to hear something. I am going to be open today to allow God to show me areas where I can love better. I need to get back to my first love, Jesus Christ!

Grief keeps you awake

Over the years of losses in my life, nothing quite seems as traumatizing as last night. I know that it's crazy to give your blog parts of you that you don't give to people but then again, I know you are reading so maybe this is my way of reaching out. Last night I lost my baby. That was one of the hardest sentences I have ever blogged in keeping this blasted blog for over 5 years. Anthony and I have been trying to have a baby for some time now and were just thrilled when the pregnancy test finally revealed we were pregnant. It seems like a million years ago now when I saw the test and felt joy. I have been through so much upheaval these last 5-6 weeks that I don't remember the joy, only the fear and pain.

As this past weekend was bad enough as I started cramping and bleeding, thought that I had miscarried, attended my appointment to have new hope and then went through the most physically painful and emotionally traumatizing experience of my life last night as my body felt like it was attacking me. I am going to spare you most of the gory details as I know that some of you have had miscarriages and I don't want to retraumatize those parts of you. If you have been through this just know that my heart goes out to you. I know that no two people have the same pregnancy and therefore probably don't have the same miscarriage but mine was anything but uneventful. I was up for 12 hours straight bleeding more than I have ever bled in my life, feeling pain I didn't deem possible, and begging my husband to tell God to stop it! It was so hard on both of us.

Today we both spent the day fading in and out of naps on the couch and eventually said goodnight to each other so Anthony could get some sleep for work and he put his arms around me and the tears would not stop. I was breathing huge gasps for air as the pain started to surface. He is so sweet and just reassured me everything was going to be ok and that he loved me so much. I finally stopped crying and went through about a dozen kleenex before finally talking and saying "I just need to let this hurt for a while I think" to which my husband replied "me too" and I realized this was something that we had a choice about. We could let this tear us apart or draw us closer and we chose the latter. We need each other through this disappointment and hurt and it's such a beautiful time to use our pain to bond us together instead of ripping us apart with isolation.

I can't get to sleep. It could be because I am still in a lot of pain and sitting with a heating pad firmly attached to my side or it could be that I lost my child. My first and only child so far and I loved that baby more than anything I could begin to explain to you. I know that might sound silly to those who have never had a baby or perhaps have had children but never lost one....but you love with everything in you and regardless of what happened last night I was that baby's mama and I am sad I will never see his/her face or hear the word mama from it's sweet voice. My heart is broken tonight. Will I try again? ...I am sure I will after getting through this and taking God's direction on when the timing is right for Anthony and myself. Will I love another child? Sure I will. Will I be ok? Yes, I know I will as God is a healer of all things broken.

Am I a little less of myself because of this event. You better believe it. I appreciate you reading and letting me just get it out for a second. I am guessing this isn't the last of a post of this nature. Sleep might be something I don't understand for a while. Of all the losses of all 28 years, this one biggest.

Thanks for all of the prayers and support friends. I won't forget it and I hope you allow me to be there for you through trials of many kinds.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

I feel like an alien

So last night Anthony and I were heading out to the post office to drop a few packages off and I said in the car the weirdest statement I have probably ever said to him. I breathed a big sigh and said "Anthony, I feel like an alien!" He paused for about 2 full minutes with silence and then finally said "I guess I should ask what that means." I thought it was a pretty funny moment but when I started to explain the statment to him, I started to well up with tears. Lately I have felt like I live in an alternate reality. Since the day I found out we were pregnant I have been in a whirlwind. The day was weird in and of itself because we had been trying for 6 months and I figured I just would not be able to get pregnant with my diabetic issues. I fully intended to take the test and then throw it away in the waste basket at the Carl's Jr. I tested at as it would most certainly say "not pregnant." Yes, I know...classy joint to find out you are pregnant in!

Well then I set up an appointment with my general physician and the OBGYN and before I knew it I was hospitilized and learning that I was going to be taking 6 shots a day and basically running my whole life around eating and poking myself. We then got home and started to adjust to all of the changes that were happening while we were housesitting for a friend. When we finally got back to our apartment and started living life as normal, I started to feel like an alien. I feel like I have been abducted and the person who lives in this apartment with Anthony is the alien that has replaced me.

I no longer have the drive to think about making money, being a therapist, or even cleaning the house most days. I have a one tracked mind...this one track is "did I do something that could harm our child" 24/7! While in the hospital they really built up a thought of me losing the baby and totally made me believe that I had already done the unthinkable. My lack of knowledge had put my baby in peril and I would probably have to grieve a loss in no time. The last couple of weeks I have been waiting for the moment when I would have to say goodbye and grieve one more time in my life. (cue the tears)

I have tried to have an upbeat attitude and realize that so far I have no symptoms of losing this baby. I have tried to reassure myself that it was just way earlier than we thought and that I probably caught the pregnancy fast enough that I was able to get the sugars down and controlled so the baby could develop and grow. I try to remind myself that God put this child here and that means something. Then I remember losing my nephew in 2007 and that he put that baby here too. I remember that I have had tragedy after tragedy that I did not expect and that this one would just be another way that I had lost. I remember that people tell me that my losses are for a purpose...they are supposed to make me into a better therapist who understands the struggles that my clients are going through. There is this constant fear that everything in my life has to be a learning experience.

I realize that God loves me so much that he sent his son to die for me. I realize that Jesus' life was full of heartache,grief, and pain. I realize that I really don't have any better coming then what he went through and what many others go through every day. I realize that in my life I have never had anything handed to me and have never had anything easy as long as I can remember. These are the facts that paralyze me with fear. Am I being negative and doom and gloom or am I simply accepting the facts of my life. I have lived on this planet for almost 29 years and I simply cannot name a year where there wasn't trauma and grief. This is not an attempt to throw a pity party because to be honest, my life is still so much better than a lot of folks out there. I still have an education, talents, and abilities. I still have quite possibly the best husband that I could ever imagine having. I still have the most wonderful beautiful sisters that I could have. I still have a gorgeous nephew that is alive and a beautiful neice on the way. I still had one of the most precious nephews ever for 13 days. I still have a mama who loves me and sacrificed a lot for me to be successful. I still have a dad who was able to really claim his mistakes and begin developing a relationship with me after 21 years of no relationship.

I still had amazing grandparents who did well financially so that we would eat and have a place to live when my mom could not possibly support us financially. I still have friends galore who are praying over my child and reminding me daily that Anthony and I will be amazing parents. I still have the luxuries of a full belly, a roof over my head, and amenities all over the place thanks to AT&T and the job Anthony has. I still have medical benefits that take care of me diabetically and I still have the most amazing healthcare team that money can buy. I have no pity or sorrow for myself but the reality is...I still believe that bad things happen to me and I learn and grow from them immensely so I do not curse GOd for them.

In the hospital me and Jesus had one of the hardest discussions I have ever had with him before. I sat on my hospital rocking chair in my very sexy gown and thanked him for saving me over and over again when I did not get the diabetic memo. I thanked him for even giving me one minute to see that "pregnant" sign on the urine stick of a $7.00 test I picked up fully knowing I wasn't pregnant and then I said these words.

Jesus, no matter what happens to this baby or with this baby. I will love you. I will continue serving you and I will accept it as your will. If I carry full term and we get to raise this child. I will raise this child for you. If I get only a few weeks to be pregnant before it's over. I will praise you even then. If I get to be pregant a long time and then lose it, you are still my Lord. If I get to have the baby and then you choose to take it away once I already love and know, I will still serve you even then in my devestation but Lord give me strength to love and serve you no matter what and to accept your will in my life yet again.

I really wish I could see another outcome and believe that for once my life will be different. Anthony, after all is a way my life is different. I wish I could be myself for a mintue and be positive even when the chips can fall wherever they want. I have this default setting that comes in me that says "expect the worst and prepare for that and when anything good happens be estatically surprised!" Why do i operate on such saddness and expectation of pure pain? Why can't I believe that there will be something wonderful in my life that doesn't come with tears, heartache, and disaster before it. Why do I have to qualify for the "hard knock lesson" before getting the smile and the elation that comes with joy. I am in pain today and realizing that life has been difficult and it has proved to create in me almost an inevitable expectation of devestation. Please Jesus let have more hope and less preparation. I want to be filled with joy and anticipation and all I am is an alien form of myself going through the motions for fear I might love this child even more than I already do and be a shell of a person after the verdict comes down.

I would appreciate prayers for my mind today and all that it is going through. I am already a mama and that means I am already in love and hoping that I get one more minute with my little one and get to look at his/her face and decide if he or she looks like me or Anthony in the face. I know it sounds corny but I look forward to each and ever night that I don't get sleep. I look forward to every diaper that I gag at when changing. I crave those moments of realizing that I haven't ate a warm meal in years because that is the joy of being a mother and I sincerely hope for it. I fear blood every time I go to the bathroom and am paralyzed with worry when I feel any pain in my body. I practically go into hyperventihilation when the ultra sound screen comes on and just close my eyes to start to pray that it's better and more developed than last time. They call this a high risk pregnancy but I would call it a white knuckle, edge of your seat, painfully realistic, never feel happiness for one minute with follow up with anxiety pregnancy. Jesus Help me! Help me praise you and accept everything that is coming even when it's difficult, painful and scary. Remind me of your faithfulness to me in the past and that even when I went through pain, you were always there with beauty to follow the ashes. You have kept your promise with a rainbow after every torrential downpour. You are good God and I need to reminded each and every doctor visit heck every bathroom visit.

Please pray for me and with me over this post. This is what my heart is going through. Thanks for loving us and little lewis friends. We appreciate you!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

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