Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Mom

All of these are names I have never went by. I haven't officially been an aunt for more than 13 days although two precious little girls call me Aunt Erica. I have always been a little sister, have been a big sister most of my life, and now I am even a sister in law. I have been a full sister, half sister, and now going on a step sister. I have been a step daughter, a grandchild, a step grandchild, and beyond. The one thing I haven't been in my 28 years is coming soon and scares the wits out of me while excites me beyond measure. I am going to be a mother soon. We are not pregnant YET but it's so exciting to think about how this title will be mine in the coming months (hopefully) There are still so many fears on my part beyond the regular ones of trying to be a good mother, delivering a baby, carrying a baby, caring for a baby, etc...

There is a fear of my disease being harsh to me while pregnant. There is a fear of my families mental illnesses being carried on. There is a fear of my career making me scared of everything while parenting. There is a fear of graduate school becoming too hard while I am pregnant. There is a fear of me becoming a mother and never using the degree that I have worked so diligently for. There is a fear of trying to balance home and career. There is a fear of incompetence and lack of knowledge of how to parent or care properly. There are so many fears.

There are so many excitements too. There is the excitement of hearing mama for the first time. There is the excitement of seeing Anthony holding our child and the way he already loves our future little ones. There is the excitement of knowing whose eyes the baby got or whose smile. There is the excitement of seeing the baby take its first steps, speak its first words, and go to school for the first time. I pray that my fears are not going to take over my excitement. I so long for God to help me to keep my focus on Him through this so that I don't forget how much of a blessing it is to be a mother.

I am ready!!! Or am I?

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