Monday, May 04, 2009

Changing my way of "dress"

So as of Saturday night Anthony and I started going back to the gym. This was one of my huge goals as Grad School ended. Before I started grad school and met Anthony, I went to the gym daily and was up to running 2 miles per day and had lost a total of 140 lbs. Over the course of Grad School I have went to the gym maybe a dozen times and have gained about 80 lbs back. That is horrible and I absolutely hate it. However, it is not in my goals to berate myself or punish myself for this but to do something about it. On Saturday night I started working on getting in shape. For me, this has never meant a certain number on the scale or a certain waist size. For me, it's all about being in good health, being an athelete, and being happy in my own skin. I haven't been happy lately just due to my clothes getting tighter, being more lethargic and tired, and just feeling like crap.

Yesterday I went out and purchased two dresses for my graduation activities. Usually I hate dresses and literally have worn two of them for the past 10-15 years. One of them was for my friend Hannah's wedding and the other was for my own wedding. As you can tell, it has to be pretty serious for me to wear a dress. Well, that has really changed with the acceptance of my femininity. I think Anthony and our marriage really helps me embrace being feminine so I was really excited to put on my dresses yesterday and show him how I looked. He was of course very happy and complimented me all over the place so it felt good. I realize I do not look like a super model and surely don't have all the weight in the right places but I do like nice in my new dresses and that I can accept.

It takes daily work to accept yourself and understand what you are capable of. I am not accepting myself in the knowledge of being over 100 lbs overweight and happy about it. I am accepting myself in that I am the only one who can do anything about it and my husband loves me very much. Also, if I did not lose another pound God made me and that gives me worth. My goals are never to be a skeleton or extremely skinny because I honestly think it's not attractive to be extra skinny. I have never longed for that super lean stick figure thing. I love that I have curves and look like a woman. I am hoping to lose 150 lbs and be a vibrant, atheletic, health, curvacious woman.

In that being said, say some prayers for continued motivation for myself and Anthony and pray that I find dresses along that way that make me feel pretty and that I can keep embracing my female-ness! :)

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