Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Black Elephant in the Room

So the other night, Anthony and I were in the car and discussing some things that we have noticed about our marriage. I noticed that I have never really taken the time to write about what my irritations are in being in a biracial relationship. Now, most people will automatically assume that my irritations are about being married to Anthony and all of our cultural differences and on and on. No, not at all actually. My irritations are with white people in my life who say really thoughtless things and do really thoughtless things. This post is going to feel passive aggressive and for that, I apologize. There is no one specifically that I am pointing out for doing the following things but there are corporately a ton of people who have done these things. If you are one of the people who feels like this list may include you, I mean no harm but I hope that it helps you become a tad bit more sensitive to other's feelings on their privacy and their marital relationship.

Irritation # 1: The Myths!

I have heard this sentence from men and women alike and from people who know me very well and people who hardly know me at all..."Erica, are the myths true?" First of all, I will not begin to act like an idiot and not know what the "myths" they are talking about are yet I still make people voice them. If you are bold enough to get into my bedroom with my husband and myself, prepare to have a red face when you ask me if he is well endowed!! Secondly, I will not be answering that question. I would like you to take a moment and ask yourself how you would feel if I (a woman) came up to you (presumably a woman) and asked you what kind of heat your husband was packing??!! Do you want to slap me yet? Exactly! Also, please do not get mad when I do not let you in on whether black men perform oral sex or not. I have no intention upon putting visual images into your head about me or my husband in the privacy of our bedroom. This is not something you would ask a person married to a white man, so please don't ask me!

Irritation # 2: The second thing that really burns my biscuits and to be quite honest, makes me incredibly sad is when someone asks me or my parents "Are you okay with Erica marrying a black man?" Are you serious? I know a number of white women who are now divorced from their white husbands because that man has hit them, cheated on them, hit their children, etc... and yet they don't get asked that question. My mom has always told me it did not matter who I fell in love with as long as they treated me right because she was smart enough and street wise enough to know that there are awful people in every race plain and simple and Erica wasn't raised by a fool. I picked a man who makes my heart melt and treats me with so much respect, I start to think I am pretty great stuff! I wish all of my friends could have an Anthony....if only everyone in the world would figure out, my parents don't need to give me approval and they don't need yours either.

Irritation # 3: Here is a little hint, if every time I see you, you tell me how great it is that I married a black man and how "okay" you are with it. You are not okay with it! PERIOD. I will leave this one alone from here.

Irritation #4: I will just put the sentence here and speak on it for a minute "I worry about your kids, that they will be confused." This sentence translates to "I am confused and worried because you are threatening the way I think and feel...your kids are not even on my radar." First of all, please worry about your own kids and the ignorance you may be spreading and don't learn how colors mix in kindergarten. Dark Brown and White...makes lighter brown. NUFF SAID!

I am sure I have more, but I just had to put it out there. If you are offended or feel hurt by anything I have said, I wish I could say I am sorry...but I have been getting offended by these things for a long time.

Main Ideas:

(As Anthony would say) Stay out from under our clothes
My parents don't need your approval
I don't need my parents approval
NO you aren't okay with it

P.S. Thank you to those friends who just take Anthony as Anthony and never tell me they are okay with it. I know you are because of that! We love you right back!

The End!


lovenspice said...

I think you guys r the cutest. I do know what ur talking about though. My hubby is mixed but really has minimal knowledge of the hispanic culture. Fyi: our kids are fine!! They are gorgeous, intelligent, wel rounded and most of all and most importantly love Christ as any child would that have two parents who acknowledge and appreciate the differences of being Human Beings ;)

Dez said...

I couldn't have said anything better, myself! I love you so much & even though I don't know Anthony, I love him for loving you!!! If only others could understand. I PRAY to, one day, have a relationship & marriage as beautiful as yours! So happy for "All Things Erica"!

dazy said...

Well said. I showed my kids a litter of puppies once and asked them which color of puppies were the good ones and which color was the bad puppies. they both said without hesitation that it didn't matter what color they are. puppies are puppies. and i said, there you go. it's the same with people. it just isn't something we even think about unless someone we are talking to says something stupid.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that things are so differant here in small town Mitchell than they were in Ca. I am so glad you have found someone that makes you happy. My grandchildren ages 4 and 8 have a step-grandpa in Tn who is black. Once we asked them if they knew anyone that is black and they said no. They both love this man, but have never cared about the color of his skin. When we suggested maybe they knew him, they were just like "oh yeah we forgot". It's a shame we as adults we can not be more like the children and care for people for who they are on the inside. I am so sorry that people are inconsiderate and hurtful.

Keli said...

I love the both of you very much! You have always been my favorite little cousin and now I have a wonderful cousin in Anthony. He is an amazing, intelligent, and caring man. I don't see a color when I see him...I see a man who loves you and who is just wonderful! I wish we could all be blessed with a wonderful man and relationship like the two of you have together. Love you both and screw the haters.

Bridgett said...

I am very happy that you have fallen in love with someone who looks at you as though you hung the moon! It is so inspiring to me to see young couples happy and in love!! I am sorry that closed minded individuals say these things, even if they mean well. It still must hurt and I am sorry that you and Anthony have to go through things like this. I think you are an awesome, amazing, funny woman that any man would be lucky to have and obviously Anthony is some kind of wonderful since he is the one you chose to spend your life with! I wish you all the best and all the happiness you can handle!!!!

Anonymous said...

Erica you go girl. I got so sick of hearing those myself when I dated a black guy. Right on. but on the other hand I was lucky to fine my husband I have now and he is white. so you are right there are good and bad in all races of men not just one. and as for the comments on the bedroom stuff it is not anyone elses business what goes on or what he or she might have. You are to nice about it. I wouldve told that "busy body" to but out right then and there. Raina