Kidneys, Weddings, Love, and beyond

Hey everyone. I hope this Sunday finds you all in a restful state honoring the Sabbath. It finds me exhausted, thoughtful, and inquisitive. As I had last posted, I have been having some problems with my kidneys, diabetes, etc..lately. On Monday my friend and I went to the emergency room to get everything checked out only to find that I had another acute infection in my kidneys and that they are taking a nose dive yet again. You may ask me, isn't this surprising Erica? I would answer...not at all. See, when you are a diabetic who doesn't properly care for yourself, you should never be shocked at the news of damage being done. I know that many of you are frustrated with my constant lack of self-care and I feel your pain. I am frustrated with me too.

Since Monday's appointment, I have taken all of my meds including insulin, worked out every single day, and eaten moderately well. I would lie to say that the eating is under control because it isn't just yet. Next week I am working on getting a lot of things taken care of but mostly, I am going to a clinic to get some insulin prescribed plus syringes, looking into buying a new glucometer, and starting up a diabetic program that is more geared toward my life..than my demise. I have tried a number of times before to truly take care of myself regarding diabetes. I have made plans, kept journals, saw doctors etc..and never really stayed true to the plan. I am not here today to make some empty promise that I will care for myself every day for the rest of my life. I am here to say..I am working hard on loving me right now. I am taking steps that are difficult and profitable to heal and be ok with having diabetes.

I am also finding that healing is coming from other areas as well. Yesterday my friends Hannah and Aaron made vows to each other for life. I was honored to be asked to be a part of the wedding party (a bridesmaid) and it blessed my heart to know that Hannah loved me enough to allow me to stand at her side as she said vows, sit at her table to eat with her, and be a part of the most memorable day of her life this side of having children. As well as being honored, I was terrified. See, 5 years ago in July I had a wedding of my own planned. I had the dress, the tuxes, the cake, the dj, and everything else down to an art. I had the whole thing going to the very last single day of my life when my groom backed out. I was not only desperately upset but also mortified. Weddings, needless to say, are not my favorite pasttime.

When Hannah asked me to be involved with the wedding, I said yes without even a second thought as to my own healing or lack thereof. I am glad I did because healing came last night in a small dose. I was in the wedding and I didn't die. I danced and I didn't break. I was in pictures and I didn't collapse. I am stronger than I thought! I truly feel like this is a step in the right direction. Also, I came to a new place by wearing a dress in public. That was one of my 2005 resolutions and I didn't suceed in 2005 but 2006 brought the victory. I looked ok, I think and I tried my best to feel comfortable in it!

Now I say to God, where is mine? Where is the man that I so long for? Where is the man who can honor my intelligence, quirkiness, failures, successes, and beyond? I want to get married and start a family but God has other plans it seems. Please pray that I can come to some sort of peace with that! I wish I could just be ok with today. It's hard at almost 26 and no man who I can honor enough to marry.

Have a great day and Happy Father's Day to my father, your father, and my wonderful grandfather who has been gone for 6 fathers days now. I love you all!

~e~