Friday, January 29, 2010

Baby Blues


First of all, if you are reading this...scroll down to the next post and make sure and be aware that on my 500th post I will be doing a giveaway in honor of my beautiful blog making it through 500 long posts!!! Now...onto my topic of the day...

So, life has been a bit difficult lately. As many of you know Anthony and I went through the loss of our first child (miscarriage) on July 16th of 2009. Well, this next couple of weeks are going to be especially difficult on this journey as our little guy would have been due on February 15th. As this day approaches we are tender hearted and sensitive about this issue. In just a few weeks we would have been walking out of the hospital with our first little one in new parent bliss and instead we are grieving the loss of one of our biggest dreams.

I know, I know...as you read this you are thinking "Oh Erica, you can try again" or "There is always next time" and to that I say "SHUT UP!" Just kidding..but seriously please don't say that to someone who has lost a little one. This is a loss just like any other...it hurts and breaks your heart. There is a dream attached to each pregnancy if the person carrying the baby is a human and I had dreams for my little Jamie. I dreamed of his first words being Mama. I dreamed about him playing with his cousins Shawn & Kaylea. I dreamed about him being like Anthony and having his beautiful Chocolate brown eyes. Most of all, I dreamed about loving him and tucking him into bed every night. My dreams have been destroyed. The only dreams I have for Jamie now is that when I get to be face to face with Jesus, he will hand me my little one and allow me to do what every mama wants to do ...HOLD THEIR CHILD. In saying that, I pray for that day...not in any suicidal way but in anticipation. I crave the way it would be to hold MINE and ANTHONY'S child.

So, as February 15th approaches I am feeling raw. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully soon) I will want a child again. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully not so soon) I will have another child. However, I will never have a first child. I already had one and he didn't get to meet his wonderful daddy who I respect more than any man on the entire planet. He won't get to play T-ball and experience the amazing feeling of falling in love. On the other hand, he gets to be with Jesus while my heart breaks. You can imagine my feeling torn. I am so happy he does not have to experience heart break, pain, and brokenness but I am selfish and wanted to experience being a mom to him.

Today, I just needed to write about my pain and I hope that my writing has helped someone else put words to a desperate place that every mom of a little one who is "too beautiful for Earth" has to deal with. I think I will end this post with a letter to my little angel.

Jamie,

I miss you terribly as your "birthday" gets near. I pray that you are enjoying every minute of being in Jesus' presence but my heart breaks in never getting to know you and seeing you grow up. Happy Birthday little one. We love you so much and as we grieve/celebrate who you were to us....I pray you can see how much we miss you.

Someday we'll be together my love,

Mama

1 comment:

JayneSees said...

Oh, dear friend...

I just read your post and I'm currently bawling.

I have been there. I still hurt when my previous due dates pass and I remember my 2 lost little ones.

Finally having my son has filled me with so much joy, but nothing can erase the children that came before.

I love you, and I pray for your and your hubby every day.

Hang in there, and on to each other.