Feeling more resolved.

Well, a couple of days ago I wrote a post that was very difficult for me and also very anonymous because I would never want to OUT someone online and treat them like I feel that I have been treated. All of that said, things seem a little more resolved for me now. I know more about the situation and feel clear on who I can and clearly cannot trust. I haven't really dealt with this kind of stuff since High School and I forgot how difficult it can be when you feel you have been misrepresented and really have no idea how to represent yourself without hurting others. I had to spend some time looking at my priorities and this is what I have come to....

I really love the person who is angry with me. Deeply love them and care very much for the pain that they are in. I am broken hearted for their journey and to be honest, have no idea what I can do anymore other than just step back and allow them time to deal with it and that may mean they never let me back in and that is a chance I am willing to take to do as they have asked. I also really cared about the person who talked badly about me without knowledge of the situation but I cannot trust them anymore and that saddens me but helps me make further decisions.

As for Hilliary, she and I are choosing the same course of action. We want to do the RIGHT thing but also are hurt ourselves and that means choosing to eliminate those kinds of things from our lives. I have learned that although someone is really important to you or even acts like they care about you and your life, you can't control if they really do. You can only trust until you see a reason not to and now, I have a reason. I have to do what is best for ME and take care of myself and my own mental health. The things this person has said have hurt me, Hilliary, and even insulted a few others and that makes me sad as I really did feel a connection and friendship before. Now, I have to grieve that there was NOTHING there EVER. I cannot tell you how bad that hurts.

Well, I am going to take my own advice and just exercise boundaries. I am going to treat that person with respect, love them through prayer, and make sure none of the things I struggle with, have a hard time with, or don't want shared or talked about are a part of their knowledge. That is hard for me, you have no idea how hard. I really wish I could defend myself, speak for myself, and fight for myself but to me now, it just isn't worth it. I would have to call someone out and tell things I don't feel comfortable telling and that is beyond what I want for my life. After all, High school was right around 11 years ago for me. That is long enough to know better.

So, in regards to this. I need your prayers. I need my heart to heal from this stuff but also, I need to do the right thing from here on out. I only want Jesus to be pleased with the way I treat others and although my heart wants revenge for being lied about, it just isn't worth it. I am just bummed.

--E-