Slow and Steady wins the race

Yes, this post is #498! Only two more posts until the big giveaway post. I hope you keep up on it so that you don't miss a chance to win!

You know that old saying "Slow and Steady Wins the race?" Well, it completely annoys me on so many levels. I might be one of the most impatient people that have ever walked this fine planet. The other night Anthony and I were doing our devotions before bed and the topic was "Love is Patient" and at the end of it, it said to ask ourselves the question "Are you patient?" The answer was a resounding NO from me and Yes from Anthony. I believe fully that Anthony is VERY patient and that I am the polar opposite.

This is NOT good for my life at all to be this impatient. There are reasons to numerous to fully list but here are a few...

-- I want a child yet it isn't time

-- I am building my caseload for work and it takes time

-- I need to lose weight and that will take time

--I am not in shape and it will take time to get there

-- I am a diabetic and taking care of myself takes so much time

Have you seen a pattern? Everything that is crucial to my survival and life are time consuming and I am a "get it done" kind of girl. Nothing that matters to me at all can be completed, accomplished, achieved, or mastered in the amount of time I want to spend which is negative minutes. I guess there is no escaping this lesson. I just need to go ahead and give the time it takes to learn it! ARGGGG

Baby Blues

First of all, if you are reading this...scroll down to the next post and make sure and be aware that on my 500th post I will be doing a giveaway in honor of my beautiful blog making it through 500 long posts!!! Now...onto my topic of the day...

So, life has been a bit difficult lately. As many of you know Anthony and I went through the loss of our first child (miscarriage) on July 16th of 2009. Well, this next couple of weeks are going to be especially difficult on this journey as our little guy would have been due on February 15th. As this day approaches we are tender hearted and sensitive about this issue. In just a few weeks we would have been walking out of the hospital with our first little one in new parent bliss and instead we are grieving the loss of one of our biggest dreams.

I know, I know...as you read this you are thinking "Oh Erica, you can try again" or "There is always next time" and to that I say "SHUT UP!" Just kidding..but seriously please don't say that to someone who has lost a little one. This is a loss just like any other...it hurts and breaks your heart. There is a dream attached to each pregnancy if the person carrying the baby is a human and I had dreams for my little Jamie. I dreamed of his first words being Mama. I dreamed about him playing with his cousins Shawn & Kaylea. I dreamed about him being like Anthony and having his beautiful Chocolate brown eyes. Most of all, I dreamed about loving him and tucking him into bed every night. My dreams have been destroyed. The only dreams I have for Jamie now is that when I get to be face to face with Jesus, he will hand me my little one and allow me to do what every mama wants to do ...HOLD THEIR CHILD. In saying that, I pray for that day...not in any suicidal way but in anticipation. I crave the way it would be to hold MINE and ANTHONY'S child.

So, as February 15th approaches I am feeling raw. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully soon) I will want a child again. I feel hopeful that one day (hopefully not so soon) I will have another child. However, I will never have a first child. I already had one and he didn't get to meet his wonderful daddy who I respect more than any man on the entire planet. He won't get to play T-ball and experience the amazing feeling of falling in love. On the other hand, he gets to be with Jesus while my heart breaks. You can imagine my feeling torn. I am so happy he does not have to experience heart break, pain, and brokenness but I am selfish and wanted to experience being a mom to him.

Today, I just needed to write about my pain and I hope that my writing has helped someone else put words to a desperate place that every mom of a little one who is "too beautiful for Earth" has to deal with. I think I will end this post with a letter to my little angel.

Jamie,

I miss you terribly as your "birthday" gets near. I pray that you are enjoying every minute of being in Jesus' presence but my heart breaks in never getting to know you and seeing you grow up. Happy Birthday little one. We love you so much and as we grieve/celebrate who you were to us....I pray you can see how much we miss you.

Someday we'll be together my love,

Mama

Almost 500!!!!! GIVEAWAY!!!!!

I logged onto the blog today to kinda "vomit" my feelings on some stuff in my heart and realized that this is post #495 on my personal blog. Wow, I have almost written 500 posts in 6 years of having my blog. That is a lot of posts. I realize that a lot of people are WAY more consistent with their blogs but mine has been a friend for me over the last 6 years and I am so excited as I approach my 500th post. I decided that in honor of it...I will do a giveaway!!!! So, I am going to announce the giveaway on the 500th post so keep checking back in. I will have you all answer a question in the comments section and then will put all the names in a hat and randomly choose a winner for the giveaway! Get excited Ericaland readers!!! :)Now, I shall end this post and write another one of a less exciting nature!