Sunday, January 02, 2011

Happily Married

If there is one thing that I have learned about marriage in my last 2.5 years is that you can NOT be selfish and happy at the same time. I think I started out in Marriage incredibly selfish and kind of had it in my mind that Anthony's job was to make me happy. I quickly learned that there is no way that works. The marriage that works and is happy is where both people have a servant's heart and want to help the other.

Lately God has really been dealing with me on being selfish. We have had a very hard last year and a lot has changed in our plans for our life. Anthony lost his job in February of last year and everything sort of changed. Our plans to have a child got drastically put on hold and even living in California is up in the air at this point. My dream was to stay in California and try to have a child in the next couple of years. I am not sure what God's plan is but I have learned that my plans are not necessarily in conjunction with His.

Lately, I have really been thinking about my issues that make marriage harder. I am a control freak. Growing up in a home where things were unpredictable to say the very least made me someone who hates change and hates not being in control. I try not to use my blog as a place to blast my parents or tell the world what I think they did wrong. I have learned that parenting is literally THE hardest job in the whole world and so, I will no longer throw stones. I would do things very differently than both of my parents did them but what is done is done.

I also do things very differently in my marriage than I have seen married people do. My grandparents were married for over 40 years, however, it didn't seem that they really liked each other. I think there was love for sure but there was so much ignoring, bickering, and lack of intimacy. In my home, my mom and dad divorced when I was 1.5 years old so I don't remember ever having a nuclear family. My mom remarried when I was 5 and had my little sister so things were very different and chaotic in our house. My dad remarried when I was 4 and had my other little sister and at that point, I felt like I completely disappeared.

The step-parents were worlds apart. My step-father was in my home and had a lot of say in what I did, said, and how my life was. Again, this isn't the place to talk about things that went wrong but I'll just say, they went wrong. My step-mother was one of the most genuinely good people I have ever known. She really treated Hilliary and I like a priority and never tried to be our mother which was paramount to my respect for her. She passed away in 2007 and I truly miss her.

We went through another divorce when my mom and step-dad divorced when I was 16. I mostly saw their marriage in action and what I recall was hiding things, a lack of respect on both sides, inappropriate behavior, and totally forgetting how to parent. I guess for me, I am so afraid if I am not in control that these types of things will happen in my home.

The new year is bringing me new awareness. The number one awareness it is bringing is that Anthony CAN BE TRUSTED. I have known that for the last 5 ish years but somehow it has not translated to my behavior. I think I am beginning to see that God picked him in mind of all that my heart had to go through as a little one.

Thank you Jesus for loving me through this and through my past!

I pray you all are Happily Married! :)

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