Friday, April 11, 2008

Damn Grad School

So I have figured out that Graduate School was definitely not what I thought it was going to be. My first thoughts were that I would get in and learn all of these interesting things and therapy would come naturally to me and I would be star student and when it all ended, I would be glad I chose it. How my life has changed since I got into Vanguard. First of all, this damn program shows you all of your stinkin faults through a magnifying glass called countertransference. The classes I feel like are in fast forward and you barely get to scratch the surface before they are pushing you through and calling it finals time. I am getting ready to go through advancement and I feel like I just started the program a few minutes ago and I know very little from what I knew day one. I have taken a bit more clients now but I don't feel like I really know what it is like to do therapy and feel like I know what the hell I am doing.

At this point I attend individual, premarital, and group therapy and each one is exhausting in its own rite. Individual I feel is at a stand still. I don't feel like I am growing right now in my individual life. I feel like I am on a slippery slope with myself in terms of self care, organization, and just being able to "keep it all together." My premarital is annoying the shit out of me too because I feel like mine and Anthony's therapist makes just about everything my fault and hell, maybe it is my fault but can you at least pretend he has some part in it? As for group, oh hell...these people all trigger me on some massive level. Ok, only one person does but she triggers me on the worst level....MOM.

So I was reading a book tonight trying to grasp some concepts about Borderline Personality Disorder just so I can begin to understand my own relational style. Sometimes I think maybe I am not just a daughter of a Borderline but rather a Borderline myself. Could it be I just learned this way of communication and relating to others? Could I be I learned from example or am I truly borderline? Who even knows. As I read the description of this personality disorder I felt like it was reading pages out of my own journal or my life story.

Today with clients I realized how valuable it is to get a full history and realized I just don't really know what my history really is. I have lived a lie for so long I need to figure out my own history. I can't bear to not know it anymore. It's so hard to think about not knowing yourself truly and knowing why you do what you do. I am exhausted...truly exhausted. I need to get away. I want to run away as fast as I can and not tell anyone where I am going for fear I will have to live this life another day.

Anthony is currently on suspension from work for wrecking his truck and we don't know if that means termination or not. This is just like my life..when things are good, pull out the artillary. I am broken, very broken right now.


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