Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Grace and other therapuetic matters

Today I had an interesting thing happen while with a client. Although I can't share the details of it on here I will say that I realized today that I am capable of some things that would have really scared me before or made me shut down. I have grown so much in my grad school program and have really developed some therapeutic skills. That makes me so happy as this program seems to be an uphill battle for me daily. Today I was just really reminded of the grace I need to give myself as I try to learn the ropes. In my own therapy on Monday we talked about grace for most of the session due to my lack of grace for myself.

Grace is such a hard concept for me to grasp. It took me several years within my relationship with Christ to accept that his salvation was entirely free. That to me sounded silly so I continued trying to earn it and I fell short pretty much every minute on the minute. I battled myself daily trying to figure out how to do my spiritual disciplines perfectly in order to allow Christ to love me consistently. This was a battle I had to choose to lose daily and just allow God's love to stop the maddness.

In my personal relationships, this is even harder for me. I still have not come to the point where I can just let Anthony love me and not think I have to pay for it later or earn his love. He is the only person who has never asked me for anything in return. This should form in me the ability to accept his love and grace without problem but for some reason this is an issue for me.

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