Friday, June 25, 2010

I Don't Wanna Grow Up!

I have been thinking a lot lately about adulthood. As I stare 30 square in the face, I have decided I do NOT want to grow up. The last couple of years have been the most "grown up" of my life. I got married in 2008, lost my first child in 2009, and Anthony lost his job in February of this year. It has been a rough couple of adult years. In saying that, I have been looking around at the children in my life and thinking of how jealous I am of where they are.

My biggest worries paired with theirs ends up being a funny parallel.

Money: I worry a lot about Money. I worry if we can pay the rent, afford my medication, keep our cars running, get more clients, get Anthony a new job, etc... when my niece and nephew are only really worrying about when their mommies are going to put more Gerber puffy snacks on their walker tray. ah, the life.

Health: I worry about my blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, sodium, weight, etc... while my niece is worrying that she can't get her toes entirely in her mouth.

Career: I worry about being the best I can be at my job, helping my clients efficiently, and knocking out my dreams one by one. My nephew is only really focused on getting the box underneath the tv so he can stand on it and be that much closer to woody.

Children: I worry that I will never be ready to have another child, I worry that I will lose more of them before I have one that lives, I worry that maybe I will never have children, I worry that I am getting too old to start on having children, etc..and my niece is just looking around frantically for the pink doggie rattle that she really wants so she can chew on his ear.

Losing Weight: I worry as I work out daily that it won't pay off, I worry that I have destroyed my body forever by being negligent the first 29 years, I worry that I am going to have serious consequences for allowing it. Shawn (my nephew) on the other hand, can't gain weight and eats metric tons of everything he gets handed while wearing every single drop he can all over his face.

Having a breakdown: I worry that all the pain I am in from some losses will all collapse on me and I will be not be able to function. I worry that all of the things that have occurred over the last 30 years will one day be too much and I won't be able to hold it all together. Shawn & Kaylea on the other hand, have no shame....every time their teeth hurt from a new tooth coming through they scream bloody murder and know that their mommies are going to tell them it will be all ok and hand them a cold carrot to munch on. I wish someone would hand me "my cold carrot" somedays.

Life is hard....adulthood is harder....I am going to have more Shawn & Kaylea moments.

No comments: