Baby Steps

Well, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Babies. We are coming up on the anniversary of our first child's death. July 16th of last year I was in severe pain both emotionally and physically and watching one of my biggest dreams die. I really went through so much the last year in terms of my own healing and even seeing the ugliness in myself. It is so hard sometimes to feel happiness and joy for others when they find out they are pregnant, when they have children, and when they tell me what their baby's gender is. I try so hard to keep a smile firmly planted on my face but overall, I am just happy to get through it.

Although the year has brought many sad and difficult moments, it has also brought a lot of happy moments. I have not lived a horrible existence from what happened to me. I have hurt at times and I have had joy at times. I decided that when this happened, I would still serve God, love Him and trust him with my life. I also chose that I would still delight in the things that he has blessed me with like a wonderful husband, an awesome niece and nephew, great sisters, my awesome kitty cat Nika, and various other people and things in my life. So, although it has been a hard year, it has been a year I wouldn't take back.

Now, onto the topic. Everyone asks me and Anthony when we are going to have children and although we never really have an answer, I think I can finally answer it. I am not ready just yet. Although I have grieved for a full year and feel confident about trying to have a child again, I want to be in the best health I can be. So, I have started (about 2 months ago) to work out on a regular basis and trade in my old processed foods for whole foods and try to lose some weight. I have not been successful in losing any weight but I do feel a whole lot better. I am not sure what is holding back the weight loss but I will press on and continue to strive for better health.

My diabetes is in the best place it has EVER been in because for once in my life I have taken my shots for about 6 months straight with no failing. It has been the best I have felt in years. I have no idea if God is going to be bless us with a little one of our own but we do know that we want children so I just wanted to address this on the blog because I have been asked so much.

Yes I will try again

Yes, I do want children

Yes, Anthony still wants children

No, we have not been trying

Yes, we are considering adoption

Yes, I am scared to death of losing another child

but....

God has this in his hands and until I am healthy (by a doctor's standards) I will not try to have a child. If I get pregnant while NOT trying, then we will take the best care of my pregnant body but as for actively trying to get pregnant, WE ARE NOT.

I pray that as each day passes of this second year, I can get more and more healing over my heart and that my body becomes a great vessel to bring Baby Lewis # 2 into the world.

I appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers over the last year and will never forget the heart felt words you have all shared with me.

I can't wait to be a mom but...I will to be the best one possible!

--E--