When I got back I headed to the women's retreat I wrote about in my last post where I centered my attention and prayers on healing over the baby and how that was for me. I had so many fears after losing Jamie that I would never give birth to a child and every pregnancy would end the same way. I know that I have zero control over this issue and that really brought me to a place of healing on the retreat and I was able to come home and begin Operation Baby Lewis yet again. This year it means something different to me. One of the things that I realize upon having these precious babies (Kaylea & Shawn) in my life is that there are things about me that I would never want to teach a child.
I won't go into specific detail about most of them as they are far too vulnerable to share, however, I will say that there are days that I remind myself of someone that I do not admire. I don't appreciate that I have taken on characteristics that I do not admire in myself as a wife, a friend, a sister, a Christian, and a woman overall. There are things that I really want to be in life and some of those are crucial to raising a child. I don't plan to get "perfect" before conceiving again but while I wait for God to give us our little one, I want to be in progress as I have been the entire journey of this blog. This blog has traveled with me since 2004 and I am proud of the person I have become, but I am not a finished product.
There was a certain level of health that I wanted to have in my life before I got married and for the most part, I attained that. I have certainly grown in multiple ways since marrying Anthony but I did feel entirely ready to be married. I am glad I did feel ready and did a lot of prep work because our loss of Jamie and Anthony's loss of his job really took a toll on us personally and luckily the strength of our marriage has gotten us through it. We are not entirely out of the woods from the repercussions of the job loss or the baby loss but...we are certainly farther than we were. Overall, we are stronger than we were when we started this journey and I pray that each year of our marriage...actually each day of our marriage makes us more dedicated to this journey together.
The way that Anthony and I have decided to proceed into the baby territory is just to allow God to do his will. (chuckle) As if we have a choice! :) I really like control of situations and I like charting my own path and knowing exactly when something is going to happen. In my life, I have been able to accomplish that for the most part with my career, my marriage, my health, my relationships, etc...but this area is one that I can NOT control and I have given my desire away to do so. Anthony and I deeply want a child (biological or otherwise) and are taking one step at a time towards that. The main goals for us both are to have a VERY happy and healthy marriage and healthy bodies as those are great assets for parents to have.
I will go ahead and address this question as it always comes up to me, I will not be telling anyone when we are "trying" so we could be right now..and maybe we aren't. We have also chosen not to disclose to anyone about a pregnancy until we are able to know a gender, unless for some reason there is a desperate need to tell (like I am as big as a house!) These decisions are not to hide anything from anyone or to avoid conversation about it, it is simply for Anthony and I to get through the scariest part of the process (conceiving and the first trimester) so that we feel a sense of peace and security with how things are going. You can never feel entirely secure in pregnancy in general and even more so after losing a child but...we are going to get the peace we both need through the process and ask that everyone understands our desire to hold this by ourselves.
We are also not going to disclose when and if we pursue adoption or other such options. We are just trying to navigate this as married people and we find that the pressure that comes from our loved ones knowing is overwhelming given our circumstances. We understand that a lot of the questions, concerns, and curiosity is out of love for us and we are truly thankful for your love and for the way our family and friends held us up in prayer during the loss of Jamie. It literally saved our lives so many times. We both feel a great sense of peace and feel led to do this in this manner so we appreciate in advance all of the respect we know that we will feel with our decision. We just ask that the day that we do disclose any info, that you will understand that our love for you is real and we never mean to withhold information but to simply wait until its proper season.
In saying that, I have started Operation Baby Lewis in our home and that is simply Anthony and I joining together to get healthy physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and otherwise so Baby Lewis is in the best home he/she can possibly be. We both feel a need to get physically healthy including eating better, taking better care of our health concerns, and exercising as if we like it! :) We both also feel a need to make sure we are on sure footing spiritually to bring another life into this house and mold their lives. It is a huge responsibility and it is one we definitely don't want to take without God's leading. We are both pursuing financial maturity through this process of job loss and learning what it means to be a good steward and to make wise financial decisions. Overall, we are spending a lot of time fostering our marriage in date nights, intimacy, and working on our communication constantly so that the home is the most happy home we can make it be.
Anthony and I both come from very different homes but equally there were things we would like to do differently than our parents. Both of our parents are divorced and have remarried. We are really concerned about that aspect first because parents who are happily married and in love and work together create secure kids who know they have a safe place to fall. That is hugely important to us and we are very dedicated to that part our lives. We both feel that many couples have children well before they are ready to and in turn don't have their own relationship solidified and everyone suffers from that decision. We know we can't entirely ready for the challenges that children bring into a marriage but we can know ourselves and our relationship enough to be highly invested and as ready as we can be.
Anthony grew up in a saving home while I grew up in a spending home and we really want to be somewhere in between financially. We don't want to be so concerned with saving money that we forget to enjoy life and see the world but we also don't want to spend so much that money stresses create an unhappy, overextended home. We are beginning to work on this balance and we are really happy with how far we have come.
In saying all of this, we are seeking God's face on Baby Lewis and are excited to have you all pray with us through this journey. We both appreciate all of the support you have given us and we overly appreciate the lack of questions like "when are you going to try again" or "Have you decided not to have children now?" These questions are hard from any avenue during this process but it was nice that the people who love us and know us best have not even gotten near them. Thank you for respecting my grief, pain, and loss. You will never know how truly valuable it has been to not be afraid of these questions with my dearest friends. I will also speak for Anthony in saying thank you for understanding that although a woman goes through the actual miscarriage, Anthony is Jamie's daddy and his pain is very real as well. We have been through a lot together and we have really been so lucky to have the friends we have in this process.
We can't wait until we can give you news but in the mean time, please pray for Operation Baby Lewis 2010 -- ????
Thanks everyone for reading,
E & A
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