Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Those two harsh words


Anthony and I have been trying to start our family for a few months. Although we are not concerned yet about fertility issues, it has been hard every month for me to see these two stinky words: NOT PREGNANT. I wanted to talk openly about this on my blog because I feel like I have always been honest on here and I have hestitated to talk about how deeply this is affecting me because it seems so silly. When I told the Doctor that we wanted to start trying to have a baby she was excited and made sure to tell me that it could take anywhere between 6-12 months for a 28 year old woman. I felt very excited that first month and also quite positive. We started trying in October so that means we have been trying for 3-4 cycles or so. I know that isn't a lot and to be honest, there have been a lot of other things going on as well but something inside me feels inadequate as each month brings those same words on the test, NOT PREGNANT!

Anthony assures me that everything will be fine and that we shouldn't even worry about it and maybe "not trying" would be more affective. I feel like the most useless person no matter what he says. I deeply desire being able to tell him we are pregnant, buying baby stuff, and planning for our little one. Right now, I am so tired of being disappointed and so tired of academia I am completely and utterly over it. On top of everything else, this has been plaguing my heart. I don't want to continue avoiding my blog so I don't have to talk about this. My blog is this safe place for me to express what is going on in my heart without censoring and there I was hiding from it. SO, here I am now admitting that this is the hardest thing for me because I am used to wanting something, going after it, and getting it. God seems to have a different plan this time and I am frustrated and sad.

Also, there is the issue of the family pregnancies that are continuing to be both happy news and sad news for me. Am I horrible because I can't get this out of my head and my desires are over riding my happiness for others? :( I would love feedback but mostly, thanks for reading.


Toby and Terra said...

Don't take it personal. I have to agree with Anthony, maybe "not trying" would work better. :) I am a firm believer that we are blessed with our angel when we need them. There is a plan in store for you and I have no doubt your little bundle of joy will come right on time. Years later you will look back and hindsight will show you why the time that is chosen was chosen. I never had to wait on the "pregnant" word to pop up with my little surprise angel, but (before her) I did have to accept that I might not have children at all because of some other circumstances. (We decided to not try for #2, but I have no way of knowing if #2 would have ever even been possible.) Either way, I'll always see her as a miracle...and her timing was perfect even though I didn't know it at the time.
As for all the family pregnancy stuff...be glad that your miracle is waiting. Then when the time comes you'll have all the attention to yourself and you can focus 110% on you, Anthony & your new addition.
Hang in there! I'm sure Mommy-hood is just around the bend for you!

Oh and PS - Be leery of any fertility doc that wants to implant 8 embroyos :)

JayneSees said...

Oh, my darling Bettie! I can really relate to this post...it really is heartbreaking every month, even though you tell yourself over and over again that it takes time. I also know how it feels to mourn over other people's pregnancies, than to feel joy, and I think that's normal...It's hard to watch people have "happy accidents" when your doing everything under the sun... Hang in there! I'm here if you need me! xoxo Gigi