Check this out

This is a great giveaway if you are interested in some school supplies for your kids or even yourself...

Daily Essentials Giveaway!

An awesome blog to check out!

Go here and check out a great blog and great giveaways for mama's!

Baby Lewis

Hey everyone. It is probably going to be common knowledge by the time I post this news on my blog but I am pregnant with my first baby. Anthony and I are going to be parents! We are so excited and can't wait for all of the new steps that life has to offer. I found out on Tuesday morning and went to see the doctor yesterday to confirm. She approximated that I am about 9 weeks pregnant right now. My first OBGYN appointment is on Tuesday June 23rd and that is when the ball will start rolling. I am very excited and would very much appreciate your prayers through the pregnancy. We have started a pregnancy/baby Lewis blog so please become a follower of it and keep up on all of the changes and news of Baby Lewis! :) It is located at...

Baby Lewis En Route!


Love Ya'll!

Failure

Tonight I was up way too late and reading on Psychology Today and found an article about failure. I decided to read it since that word alone sparks fear in me. The article was about the strategies that we can use as people to not "die" in a sense when we fail at something. I have always been really sensitive to failure. This stems a multitude of areas like a dinner that doesn't taste so good, a grade that was lower than I would have liked, a friendship having a moment of discord, a disagreement with my husband, and more personal things like not losing weight fast enough or putting weight back on.

As I read the article, it mentioned that failure really serves a valid purpose in our lives. It teaches us so much. I would completely agree with this although the pain that comes with failure to me always seems to over shadow the idea of growth for the moment. I can think of a huge failure in my life right off the top of my head that truly taught me so much. I was in a relationship a few years before meeting Anthony for 6 years. It was such a chaotic relationship that I really don't know if it was mostly good or mostly bad. There were certainly good times and my ex fiace was actually a very good man.

In saying that, we both made a ton of mistakes and inevitably we failed at keeping the relationship strong and happy. In my heart for years after the breakup (I was the one who left) I felt like a big failure. I felt I had failed at being a good girlfriend, failed at loving another person, failed at being loved, and failed him mostly. It was incredibly painful and it took me 2 years to get to a place where I could legitimately realize that I wasn't doomed to failure within a relationship. Even in the first year or so of dating Anthony, I still felt like any minute I would blow it.

Another area that really crossed my mind when I started thinking about failure was my weight loss journey. I lost a total of 130+ pounds a few years ago. I was really getting to a place where health was of optimum importance. I would go to the beach every day and run and then go to 24 hour fitness (my awesome gym) and work out again. I have ALWAYS loved to eat so that is just something that I have to accept that I have to work out more. I didn't really mind because I had SUCCEEDED in developing a habit of exericse. Well, then I met my beautiful now husband and started attending Graduate School and the gym and beach were a thing of the past and over 3 years I put back on 70 of those pounds. When I graduated last month, I got on the scale and felt like a big FAT failure.

I do not give myself a lot of heat about weight. I never have. I have always felt like I had a lot to offer the world and that my confidence and attractiveness had nothing to do with the number on the scale or the tag on my jeans but I have also always valued sports and being healthy and I got to a point in Grad School where I was neither atheletic or healthy anymore. I also have always known that given my family background I would be a woman who is shaped like..well a woman. I would have curves in the back and front and would most likely have a little more meat on the bones. That has never bothered me and more than excites my husband. There is also a part of me that knows that there is an issue when your health is bad due to it and there has to be a healthy weight for me at 5'1."

In saying that, I wanted to use some of the advice of the article I read tonight in psychology today to try to work on my aspect of failure and kind of bounce back from these two big failures. The breakup was over 5 years ago and I have learned a lot since then about being a loving person, loving another person, and obviously have married the man of my dreams so I am getting there on that topic. There is the other one to think about though. I am constantly faced with daily failure in this area when I am lazy and don't head to the gym even though I have paid for a 3 year membership.

I need to work on my image of failure. This failure is keeping me in a failing position. Any ideas how to get myself out of the failure funk?

Learning my passions and talents

I love that parable in the bible about the man who gave his servants a certain amount of talents and they were each given a choice of how to use those talents (which was an amount of money in the bible). The basic premise of the story if you haven't read it, is that there were three servants and the master gave one servant 5 talents, one servant 2 talents and the last servant he gave 1 talent. The first two servants did the same thing with their talents, they put them to work (invested) and doubled their money. The third guy buried his and did not do anything with it.

The gist of the story is that the servants who invested their talents and came up with more were told by the master to join in their master's bounty and that since they were trusted with little, they would be trusted with much. The third servant was scolded because he did not even put the talent into the bank to gain interest. Just wasn't a smart decision on his part. I was thinking about this parable and how God is molding me these days.

I feel blessed to have a lot of passion in me and quite a few talents. I am not especially good at most things but I am decently good at a lot of things. I can organize well, I deal well with people and their problems (hence the whole therapist thing), I am a great friend after many years of learning how, I can cook very well, I budget my household down to the penny, I love people with everything I have, and there are many others that I am proud of.

I have seen lately that God has really called me to be trusted with little. I have learned how to really be grateful for every dollar he gives our house. I have learned to use coupons and budget our food and even get a lot of items for free. I have learned to cook well with fresh products so as not to waste money on fast food or processed foods, I have learned to appreciate the love and romance of a beautiful marriage instead of expensive gifts and distracting dates. I have learned the comfort of my own home and entertaining myself. I have learned to do my hobbies with just as much passion as I used to shop for purses and shoes. I have learned to be content where I am and invest my talents in such a way that will bring glory to my master so I can share in his bounty. I am feeling so blessed these days and also feel that God is trusting me now with little and I am claiming his promises to trust me with much!

What are your talents?

My new passion

So I have almost been out of school for a whole month. In that month, I have been able to enjoy some of the joys of being a wife that I did not get to enjoy so much while in school. Some of the joys I made time for, if you know what I mean! (wink wink) Yes, I know, I am inappropriate. Anyway, I am now beginning to enjoy more of the domestic things that I really love. I know that most people don't view me as very domestic and that's fine, you aren't my husband and his opinion is really the only one that counts in that domain, no offense. As much as I have tried to fight my femininity in the past, Anthony has always made me able to embrace it. I super love to be the nurturer and really enjoy cooking for my husband. I have really started to take so much interest in the Food Network and started to try new recipes and learn how to cook different kinds of food.

I grew up in a house with a mama who could seriously cook but we basically had the same 20 ish recipes every month. I was determined to be different than that in my house and it certainly is easy to get into a dinner rut. I have been really focusing lately on my cooking and it honestly comes really easy to me. I feel it is very therapeutic for me to create something that is delicious. Also, this is an issue of health and I enjoy not eating out but really enjoying our food and having more quality ingredients.

Another thing I am really enjoying is managing the money and trying to find deals for our weekly groceries and things. I am very good at saving money and being thrifty and often get a lot of things at our house for free or very cheap due to my intense use of coupons. I am finding a lot of pride in these things in my home. Anthony is always very proud to see how far I can make our grocery money and household supply money go. I am learning this is an amazing talent to have and it's really helping with where Anthony and I are right now in our finances.

So, tonight I made an awesome dinner of creamy cheddar soup (homemade), an iceberg wedge salad with tomato, bacon, green onion, blue cheese crumbles, and blue cheese dressing, and nice crusty french bread. It was delicious. Also, today I did my grocery shopping and ended up getting many things free or very cheap and am able to make gourmet dinners for 2! :) I am feeling pretty good about this wife stuff. I love it!

Easily annoyed or justified?

Today I was really made aware of my annoyances in the world. I am not sure if I am super sensitive today or more analytical about those annoyances. I am not in a bad mood by any means but something was really making me aware of the things that really bug me. I am sure there are way more than these but I thought throw them out there and see if any of you relate so here they are....

I am annoyed by people who break driving rules. Ok, I am annoyed by people who break rules period. I am one of the few people that I know who believes in keeping order and following rules. I have always felt that most rules are put in action to provide protection and order. Maybe that sounds "goody two shoes" but I don't care, it's who I am. I have a unfaltering desire to correct people when I see them breaking rules but I never do. A couple of examples are people who still hold their phone to their ear and drive, who cross a double yellow line to get in somewhere just 5 seconds earlier than they would have if they went up to an entrance, and when people park in a no-parking zone in my apartment complex causing me to not be able to get out of my space or get into my space.

I could talk about rules being disobeyed all day long. Anthony calls me "the ethics police" because I also do not like when people are unethical. I hate to see someone sneak into a movie, not return extra change they have received from the cashier, or steal cable, utilties, or internet use from their neighbors. I think this comes from an annoyance of paying my bills and struggling to do so while others disregard that. I should note here that I have friends who do some or all of these things and it doesn't change my love for them but for me, it's a no go and I do not participate.

I also noticed today that I really don't like when you are in a small room with someone and they are smoking and they do not put it out or leave the room out of respect. I at least feel that they should check with you if you are ok with the smoking since it's your lungs that are being damaged. This comes from me doing my laundry the other day in our apartment complex facility. There is one at the end of each hall so the room is only big enough for 2 washers and 2 dryers and a lady came in smoking a cigarette and folded her clothes while smoking which means not only did I have to breathe in her nonsense but my clothes that were just washed also had to. Annoying!!!

Oh man, you thought I was done...nope. Also, I hate when people go through the drive through and ask a billion questions that are clearly stated on the menu. Example, today when I was going for some breakfast this woman in front of me had to be told the flavors of syrup available for her coffee no less than three times even when they were boldly displayed on the lit up screen. I wanted to get out of my car and slap her in the face. Here's the deal lady, if you don't know the menu and you can't read it in like 2 minutes, GO IN THE STORE!

Then it gets better, I don't like when companies have to put down another company to make themselves feel better about their sub par performance. Example, today I heard a commercial from a reputable cable company whom shall not be named (cough Time Warner) that had to put down another reputable cable company that not only provides superior service but also better workers and more options and luxuries. I also will not mention that company's name (cough AT&T) My husband works there and for some reason when I hear these catty commercials I tend to feel they are putting him down and I get mad. Yes, it's silly I agree.

Oh and here's another one, so I have a neighbor who has a dog. I do not have a dog for about a million reasons. Namely because I don't like dog pee and poop. I don't want to have my furniture and/or carpet soiled by a dog. I have a dirt square that California people call a yard and until I have something that Indiana people would consider a yard, I will not have a dog. The neighbor's said dog, came into my house tonight uninvited when they opened their door without the little beast on a leash and he peed on my carpet. Yes, directly on my carpet. Which may I add, I just stepped in.

Today I feel Charlie Brown...I just want to yell GOOD GRIEF! I have decided that half the population is stupid and the other half are just plain inconsiderate. Where does this leave me you ask? I am hoping neither but we shall see.

I feel like these gripe fests are kinda fun. Give me a few of yours if you are willing!

Support in numbers

Things have been pretty hectic lately with graduating, trying to find employment, and holding together the house while finances are an issue. In that quest to hold everything together I have really noticed that when you ask for help and support, you truly get it. I really appreciated the other day when I blogged about my husband's moods and how they affect me when everyone let me know where they were with it. Some wrote about how they understood because their husband's were going through similar moods and I really appreciated when people could help me understand where Anthony is right now.

Here is a little more into the issue. Anthony has been working for AT&T for about 2 and 1/2 years. He loves his job in that he enjoys making his customers happy and seems to get fulfillout out of the actual work. The politics of work are not so exciting for him. He came into the company when U-verse (their new television service) was not even on the market yet. He was on a temporary contract since they did not know if the sevice would work out. He did not care as it was the first job he had ever had that really fulfilled him while also paying well. We all look for that combination.

Just about 6 months ago things started to get very difficult. Their contract ended and they were working for a permanent contract and every 5 minutes it seems they threaten to take away benefits, change the job description to require more of the workers yet not pay them any more for their work, and then the guys talk about striking. In this economy that sounds like a nightmare to us. Not to mention I just graduated and it takes a little more time to start to be a therapist than people would think. We require a number from the Board of Behavioral Sciences to even be able to make money at it and that all requires a lot of filing of paperwork...Back to Anthony.

So as the company beared down and started requiring all of these nonsensical things from the workers it started to make Anthony have a lot of anxiety. He does great work there and even has gotten several calls from customers telling managment how wonderful he was to them. I am very proud of Anthony for always doing quality work. Sadly, the company seems to devalue the quality work and overvalue the quickness of work. If you want to do your job well, you can't be in and out of a customer's house. Every single house is wired differently and to make sure they have the best television service possible, you have to do a quality job. Every month the productivity numbers get harder and harder to meet without doing a crappy job.

This is not what we believe that God wants from us as a people. We are both very set on doing the best job we can do and honoring God with our work. Anthony feels like he is scolded on a daily basis for doing quality work and leading with his personality. I am saddened that he has to go through this every single day. It certainly comes home with him too as I am the one person who affirms him for doing a good job and pleasing his customers. My heart is in that as I am therapist and my job is entirely about people.

All of that to say, it's been hard for me to watch him be in agony some days for doing what he feels God wants him to do and not receive any affirmation about it at work. I really appreciate the input everyone gave me as it certainly made me feel more normal as a wife and helped me look over the issue well and respond to Anthony very well. I love that guy and really want him to have fulfillment in all he does. I forget sometimes that I can't save him from what the world really is. He still really likes his job and enjoys the people he works with so I am praying that soon...that will pay off for him.

Anyway, thanks for reading the new installment on this issue...I will try to keep everyone posted on what I learn through this.

Marriage and moods

Lately I have been learning a very hard lesson and I am not sure what exactly to do with it. Today I went to therapy and discussed it for 50 minutes and it still did not seem clear. This is something that I guess I probably knew about marriage but lately has seemed to be more and more real to me. Every time either Anthony and I have a bad day, it ruins the other person's day. Lately life has been pretty difficult with financial concerns, job concerns, family frustrations, and the like and it really shows in the way our home runs. I notice that the moods are really contagious and it is incredibly hard to stay in a good mood if your husband or wife is in a bad mood. When something bothers Anthony it really bothers me too.

This has started to cause some serious problems for me. Not in how much I love Anthony or even how happy I am in the marriage but I have noticed it makes me lose sleep. I have had a hard time lately getting to sleep and staying asleep and I think that I am really worried about Anthony's happiness in life. We both have such a fantastic time together when it's his day off but as soon as he is back to work, I notice his level of happiness is drastically different and I feel so sad and concerned.

It's so weird for me to feel this way because I deal with people's problems for a living and yet, it is so different when it's the man you love. I am used to listening to people for 50 minutes and then walking away and being able to let go of their stuff and get back to engaging in my own life. Anthony is my own life and his happiness is paramount to mine. Anyone that has been married for a while...check in on this and let me know if this is something you deal with and how do you balance your own contentment in life and your mate's lack of contentment or vice versa. It's a really difficult balance when it is not the marriage that is having difficulties. I want Anthony to find happiness in his own identity and profession as well. I am going to keep praying for answers but I would really appreciate any feedback you all have!

The hunt is on

Ok, so I now have this glistening brand new Masters Degree and here I go into the job world. It's weird because although I have worked for over 13 years, it seems like this is the first time I have entered the "real" world of work. I guess that is since I have worked jobs I was never interested in making my career (food service, retail, nanny-ing, desk work, etc...) I am here to tell you that it isn't just hard to find a job these days if you have a high school degree or even a college degree. It's still hard even with a Masters Degree. The job search is going well although there are few and far between places that want to pay a therapist intern.

For those of you who are not privy to the information on how to become an MFT...here is the run down. First you get a Bachelor's Degree, hopefully in Psychology but it does not have to be. Then you get a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage/Family Therapy where you will clock as many hours in the field as you can that are supervised and you are called a "Trainee." You graduate and then you file to the Board of Behavioral Sciences for an Intern # and you are then an "Intern" and you try to get as many hours in the field as you can each year until you reach the total of 3,000 hours. These are not only your client hours but also your case notes, supervision, etc... Well, then you take the state exams and become licensed where you are officially a Marriage/Family Therapist.

In all of this crap, I am in the step of applying for my intern number. I have to wait for my degree to post at Vanguard and then I send in all of this paperwork and start the process of getting my intern #. That should be fun. Well, then I get paid to do therapy, if I am lucky at a reputable non-profit, group home, psych hospital, or private practice. All of that to say, I feel like my hands are tied.

I am fairly certain that my degree will post soon and I can start the process but there are so few positions out there for paid internships in my area and it is so discouraging. I got a job just recently to make money elsewhere while I wait on all of the psych stuff to pan out. I am working with a therapist I know doing her paperwork, filing, etc... while I wait for the Intern #.

I would appreciate if everyone could say a prayer for my job search and that God opens doors for me. I am willing to work anywhere where I can learn, earn hours, and be in my field. I am not too picky! Also, please pray that the intern # thing will go swiftly and God will help that along as well.

Overall, I am grateful for the current work I am doing and making enough money to help out at home but I need a full time income for us to take the next steps in our lives as well! Thanks for your prayers ahead of time.

Learning is painful...yet again

Lately life has been difficult to say the very least. I have seen a lot of accomplishment and happiness like achieving my master's degree and my nephew Shawn was born as well but with those things have come some serious problems. The first thing that has been very difficult has been money! When I got done with school I also got done with an assistantship that provided our monthly groceries and most of our gasoline. Anthony's hours have been cut significantly like the rest of the nation's due to the economic situation our country is in. On top of that, I am ferociously looking for a job as a therapist and realizing that it's just as hard to get a job with a Masters Degree as it was with a Bachelors and with a high school diploma. Pretty sad when you work so hard to get educated and still can't find a position.

There are some things that I have learned over the last couple of weeks of a very "THIN" financial time. Here are a few of my learning experiences so that one day when everything is better..I don't forget.

1. Dates that happen at home can be just as romantic as those that happen outside of the house, if you are only creative.

2. Take advantage of the things that you like to do that don't cost any money.

3. Look around you and notice that you are still of the wealthiest people in the world.

4. It's amazing how great good nutrition sounds when you can't really afford it and when we can, we waste our money on fast food.

5. God wasn't kidding when he said be a good steward because if you aren't, it will come back to hurt you.

There are so many things that I am learning through this hard time and mostly I am learning finding a job IS a full time job. I did applications, resume sending, and cover letters all day today and got ONE call back which was someone who did not have any availability! ARGGG..

Help me Jesus!

Too cute to not share

I mean really...how cute is he?

My new precious nephew

Today God blessed me with a new little one in my family. My oldest sister, Hilliary gave birth to her first child, a son!

Name: Shawn Christopher Lee

Weight: 6 lbs, 15 oz

Height: 20 and 1/2 inches long

Born: May 12, 2009 @ 6:49 AM (Central Time)

He's goreous!

A Graduation Montage

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Commencement Speech

Ok friends, the speech is finally over and it went really great so I thought a good place to post the speech would be right here on my precious blog. Here it is, although you don't get the emotion with it. Let me know what you think! :) Anthony took video of it so maybe if I can figure out how to edit it and put the speech on youtube I will do that and put a video of it on the blog. Hopefully I will be able to figure that out! ;)

Here it is....

When I was asked to speak to you today, one thing immediately came to my mind. “ I can’t believe after three years of these people knowing me that they still trust me to speak in front of a large group!” Honestly, it was absolutely the most wonderful thing for me to hear because I realized it was an affirmation of how much work I had done in this program. In Zechariah 13:9, it says that fire refines us and tests us in our lives and work. In my case, the fire of Grad Psych has done both. I came into this program with a lot of battle wounds. I had lost a lot in my short 26 years and had overcome a lot of obstacles including a diabetic diagnosis that almost took me out of this world, witnessing suicide first-hand, abuse, broken dreams, and like everyone, a lot of heartache before I darkened the doors of my beloved home, Graduate Psychology.

These challenges did not suddenly stop just because I came to the program either. In the 2nd year of my program, my 13 day old nephew and step-mom were killed in the same day in a tragic car accident. You would think that this would have stopped me in my tracks and made me quit. It sure didn’t! This program gave me some amazing tools to not only do therapy with but also to use in my own life. I learned to stop and grieve my losses even when it hurts terribly. I learned to lean on others through pain and allow their support to help me when I had no more to give. I learned to listen to these brilliant professors when they said their famous words, “No Erica, I am pretty sure that is your stuff!” Most of all, it taught me that although we are all alone in our suffering as humans, there is a God that loves me and is always holding us through it. I can honestly say that there were days that I felt Grad Psych saved my life.

There are a few things that got me through Grad School that I have to give credit to; my awesome professors, my classmates who are going to be amazing therapists, marrying the love of my life and relying on him through thick and thin, my amazing friends who are my family, and the love of my grandpa who although could not make it here today in body, is here with me and proud beyond measure. He would probably have some car analogy to let me know that by saying I was “built Ford tough.” Those things right now would be amazing to hear. Luckily this program taught me how to give myself what I need and today I need to be proud and I am. I am proud of me and all of you (turn to look at other graduates) It’s been a long, hard journey and we finished the process that God started.

The biggest question I get these days is “Man, Erica I bet you are so tired of school and ready to be done. You must be burned out.” To that I respond, “Nope, not burn out or burnt up, just more refined gold.

Laying it all down

Last night I had some serious time with Jesus. I have never had quite the time with Him that I did last night. I could not sleep, probably due to the enormous amounts of anxiety that I was experiencing about speaking today. I decided to come out in the living room and read my Bible and pray about all of the emotions that had been welling up with this occasion. Just to name a few, I have been having a hard time missing my grandpa these last couple of days, having a hard time not feeling supported by my family as no one will be at graduation, and a disappointment of not being a mother yet when I am finishing my Masters Degree. I know that I should be so excited about these events so I just wanted to lay all of this down.

I spent hours just laying my fears, hurts, pains, and cares down at Jesus' feet. It helped so much. I slept like a baby in my Father's arms. Today, I am ready to represent my class, ready to go the next step of my life, ready to allow Jesus to have every single care of my heart and every desire of my life. Jesus really is my guide, heart, and breath. My heart would be broken without him and today I get to tell a lot of people about my healing. Jesus will be with me and guide my every word and no matter what, HE IS PROUD OF ME!

Speaking award and Graduation party

Last night my whole class got together to celebrate our graduation with our professors and spouses at our Claim Jumper Graduation party. It was absolutely beautiful. We had a great dinner, dessert, and a program put on by our professors. Our spouses were given "awards" at this program for being available as support to us through the program. I thought Anthony deserved that so much.

Also, we got to see our video again that announced our class name, THE COURAGEOUS 21.
Each professor was given a list of students and asked to announce on those students on what they saw in them in the program and how they grew. Jerre did mine and it was beautiful. We got a lovely gift of a really nice coffee mug that says "Grad Psych Alumni." Those might be my favorite words to date.

I was also given a scholarship for the Outstanding Student award and that was really nice to receive. It will be funding a little getaway for Anthony and I after graduation. A marriage retreat of sorts. It was a pleasant surprise to be sure.

Overall the night went very well and it was such a honor to be there and share with my friends and professors and mostly Anthony what we have accomplished. Today I am spending the day cleaning with Anthony to get ready for a house guest and get my life back together. Tomorrow, I speak at hooding! I am excited and yet very nervous. Prayers would be appreciated.

Graduation Party night

Tonight I am very excited as our class is all meeting at Claim Jumper for dinner for our graduation party. We get to bring our spouses so it's even more fun. It will be really nice to share a meal with our professors and look back at our time in the program. I am not looking forward to a time of extreme emotions or goodbyes but honestly a time of letting go and having fun. I love the girls in our program so much and it will be nice to break bread with everyone and really just kick back. We only have one guy in our program which is why I said girls. We all love Kev too though!

On Wednesday, Anthony and I get to share a day at home together which unfortunately will be spent cleaning up our apartment as we are going to have a house guest on Friday. Thursday is the big day and I get to speak! I have really been looking forward to this and really am feeling so excited about the next few steps. We are looking forward to our little getaway next weekend as well.

I had clients all morning today and it was nice as next week will be my last week at the site. I have loved working there but at the same time, it's a new season and I have to find my new place. I really enjoyed all my clients and learned so much there. I feel like this new season is going to be very exciting.

Well, I should head off to get ready for the party. Hope all is well in your world.

Changing my way of "dress"

So as of Saturday night Anthony and I started going back to the gym. This was one of my huge goals as Grad School ended. Before I started grad school and met Anthony, I went to the gym daily and was up to running 2 miles per day and had lost a total of 140 lbs. Over the course of Grad School I have went to the gym maybe a dozen times and have gained about 80 lbs back. That is horrible and I absolutely hate it. However, it is not in my goals to berate myself or punish myself for this but to do something about it. On Saturday night I started working on getting in shape. For me, this has never meant a certain number on the scale or a certain waist size. For me, it's all about being in good health, being an athelete, and being happy in my own skin. I haven't been happy lately just due to my clothes getting tighter, being more lethargic and tired, and just feeling like crap.

Yesterday I went out and purchased two dresses for my graduation activities. Usually I hate dresses and literally have worn two of them for the past 10-15 years. One of them was for my friend Hannah's wedding and the other was for my own wedding. As you can tell, it has to be pretty serious for me to wear a dress. Well, that has really changed with the acceptance of my femininity. I think Anthony and our marriage really helps me embrace being feminine so I was really excited to put on my dresses yesterday and show him how I looked. He was of course very happy and complimented me all over the place so it felt good. I realize I do not look like a super model and surely don't have all the weight in the right places but I do like nice in my new dresses and that I can accept.

It takes daily work to accept yourself and understand what you are capable of. I am not accepting myself in the knowledge of being over 100 lbs overweight and happy about it. I am accepting myself in that I am the only one who can do anything about it and my husband loves me very much. Also, if I did not lose another pound God made me and that gives me worth. My goals are never to be a skeleton or extremely skinny because I honestly think it's not attractive to be extra skinny. I have never longed for that super lean stick figure thing. I love that I have curves and look like a woman. I am hoping to lose 150 lbs and be a vibrant, atheletic, health, curvacious woman.

In that being said, say some prayers for continued motivation for myself and Anthony and pray that I find dresses along that way that make me feel pretty and that I can keep embracing my female-ness! :)

Commencement

Commencement -- Beginning; the act of starting something.

So since I haven't blogged on my personal blog for a few days, I decided maybe it was time to talk about how everything is going with school. Last night was my last class in Grad Psych. We had a lovely dinner together and sang Karoke to our heart's content. We were also able to open up with each other and say our goodbyes. It was so great to be able to just tell people what they mean to me instead of ignoring that part and acting like we are all going to be best friends after this program. Next week is all of the activities that go into graduation. On Tuesday we are all getting together as a class and having a dinner at Claim Jumper. Spouses are welcome so Anthony will be there too. On Thursday, we have our hooding ceremony which is where I will be speaking. I went yesterday and got my speech approved and it was exactly what the program was looking for, which was nice. Then on Saturday it all comes to a close with Commencement.

As you see above, the word commencement means to begin or to start so it's so interesting that they name your graduation ceremony this. It is a start for me! It is the start of a normal marriage. It is the start of hopefully Anthony and I having a family. It is the start of my career as a therapist. It is so many things starting that I can barely think about all of the starts without getting overwhelmed.

I haven't written since, but I really did well on Exit. Exit scared me so badly but I am really pleased with the outcome. Just as everyone, there were areas that I needed help to navigate but overall, I was really pleased with how everything worked out. I felt very good afterward and really light. I described this to Anthony as if someone had asked you to lift weights for the duration of 3 years and through that time you held on the weights and most of the time you were lifting them but sometimes you would just hold them, but never put them down. At the point where I passed exit, it was like someone told me to put the weights down. Just as if you were really lifting weights, I was shaky, lighter, and stronger. It was a fantastic experience.

As Commencement draws near there are so many things I am passionate about and excited about with my new life without school. Mainly, starting a family, learning guitar, learning spanish, reading books for pleasure, going back to the beach a lot more, enjoying my husband a lot more, and various other things I am so excited to be doing.

Thanks for your prayers over exit and if you are in the area, I hope to see you at hooding, commencement, or both! :)