Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hide and Seek

Life and God is teaching me something new lately. I have always had a hard time being known. I have no problem with knowing. Many people feel safe and comfortable telling me what is on their hearts and going on in their lives. I have had several friends and even acqaintances tell me things that were clearly difficult for them to admit and probably caused them some level of shame. This never led me to reciprocate. Over years and years I have had a terrible time allowing others to get to know me. This blog is the closest thing to honesty I have ever known. Even the blog does include some level of hiddeness which is probably good since it's public.

That being said, I am learning to be more open. God is putting me through this task for authenticity with Him, but even on a social level I am starting to open up. I am terrified of this decision as this gives these people an opportunity to tell everything they know and ruin my life or so I think! This probably would never ruin my life so let's get gives these people an opportunity to judge me and for the other people they tell to judge me. Judgment is hard for me and especially if your judgment includes me being stupid, weak, bad, less than, or not "together."

I know that on some level...I AM all of those things. There are moments when I make stupid decisions. There are moments where I feel incredibly weak and present that way. There are certainly times where I do things that God doesn't like and they are BAD decisions. There are a million topics on which others are better than me at something including grades, sports, art, crafts, friendship, money, etc... There will always be someone better. As for being "together" I think we know from this post that it isn't true. I am so tired of holding up this guard and facade that I am starting to realize that it's not worth it.

I started with a new therapist last week and it was a freeing experience to be able to tell him that I hide from the world and tell him I do not plan to do that with him. I plan to chance it under every circumstance. If something causes me pain or heartache, I have to get it out or I will never feel better. I want to feel better. I have been battling so many things for so many years and it's time to let them go. I want to have a happy life, marriage, and family and this is a step on that path. God help me be honest!!!

Here is to being sought!

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