Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ajustment of the attitude

Last night I had what some might call a "change of heart." Lately I have been hard to live with. I have been crying, angry, bitter, resentful, critical, and downright negative. To be honest, I felt like I deserved to be. I realize now that I owe my husband more than that. We were both going through so much these last couple of weeks. Not only did we have the miscarriage but we saw a sudden scare regarding our finances. Anthony's job has been going poorly for some time and also the hours have been getting thinner on his paychecks. We have had to be late for bills we had never paid late, we had to not pay others while we waited for money to come, and we are having to really cut back on everything in our house. It has been an overwhelming and extremly stressful time in our house but I do not think we helped it any.

We have started to attack each other and be at each other's throats daily instead of being the one place where we are safe. It helped to read emails (comments) from people who love me telling me that it is important to stay together on this. Thank you Terra for your love and encouraging words during this time. They have been priceless. I really took these words to heart and totally changed my atttitude last night. I talked with Anthony before bed and told him how sorry I was that I had not treated him the way I had vowed to a year ago at our wedding. I apologized for the loss of HIS child and how much that must have broken his heart. I vowed again to treat him with respect and be his safe place to fall. I promised him that even if his job does not stay, I will be behind him. I promised him that not only would I encourage him, believe in him, and love him but I would pray for him every hour on the hour while he was at work because it is my job to support him emotionally, lovingly, and spiritually. We made a pact with each other and restarted our book last night "Love Dare" which is loosely based on the movie "Fireproof" that came out last year.

We made a dare to each other today to not say anything negative to each other for the whole day. It won't be hard because I believe that God has truly changed my heart. I have prayed for the healing of my heart today as well and I believe that the healing is coming and our little one will be here before we know it and will be healthy. God has his hands all over our situation and again, thank you to those of you who have been so supportive and loving to me over the weeks of pure pain. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


JayneSees said...

I so admire you for recognizing the unhealthy patterns that were starting, and committing to being positive as much as you can! At the same time, it IS okay to be hurt and angry, and express thos feelings. The key is to not become consumed and divided by them. I'm proud of you and Anthony and I love you very much.

Terra said...

It has been my experience that when we hurt, we tend to hurt the worst those we love the most. I know when I'm upset, Toby & Liv get my wrath much more severely than anyone else. Why do we do this? I don't know for sure, but I think it's because we feel the most secure letting it "all hang out" with those people most special to us. The biggest, most important thing is that you can see you're doing it and work to fix it now before it grows and damages your marriage. In my mind I see these kinds of actions (which, BTW, even after being together for over 12 years we STILL sometimes do) as weeds sprouting in our "garden" of marriage (I know it sounds corny, but it's true). If you allow weeds to grow they take over your garden and you won't be able to see the beauty of the garden anymore. BUT, if you pluck them out while they are still young - your garden will continue to be beautiful and you will appreciate that beauty even more because you remember the work you put into it to make it that way.

You're both on the right track. Marriage is never a perfect, smooth union and (trust me) money can destroy a marriage quicker than just about anything. Cling to one another and you'll both be fine. I've been known to tell Toby that I'd live in a cardboard box under an overpass with him - I love him THAT much and the rest is all just material things. And, you know what? I truly mean it. (Although I hope it never comes to that :)

Still sending up prayers & mental hugs to you daily! Luv ya!