Friday, July 17, 2009

My first love

Tonight as I sat awake, I decided to seek out some refuge in my first love, Jesus. I started to pray in my heart, search the scriptures, and just ask God what he wants from me. I have known for a long time that his first direction to me is seek first the kingdom. I will say that I haven't always done that. Sometimes I have sought first my relationship, sometimes my education, career, babies, money, health, and the list goes on. God is gently correcting me on this matter this morning as I lay awake trying to find some kind of solace in all that I am going through. Isn't that just like God to show us an area of growth needed when all we want is some comfort and refreshing.

I do not in any way view what happened this weekend as a punishment from God or even as a wake up call. I view it as a very unfortunate event that probably stemmed from a medical problem. I know that God loves Anthony and I very dearly and probably wept with me last night as I begged him to let the pain stop and tonight as I beg him to make my heart stop hurting. God is a compassionate and loving God and I enjoy every time he gently corrects me on where I am in life. I was looking through scripture and came across a scripture that I have heard more than a hundred times I am sure and yet today, I realized how much I have lost direction on this one.

John 13:34-35: A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

This verse really convicted my spirit tonight. This has no relevance to what is currently going on in my life but my lack of love lately has been pretty disturbing. This goes for on the freeway when someone cuts me off, at the grocery store when the cashier doesn't give me what I believe to be great customer service and when someone hurts me intentionally or unintentionally. Lately I have been short on patience and love. I think that right now my spirit is so pliable and willing that God is using this time to really speak to the parts of me that need to hear something. I am going to be open today to allow God to show me areas where I can love better. I need to get back to my first love, Jesus Christ!

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