Thursday, July 09, 2009

I feel like an alien

So last night Anthony and I were heading out to the post office to drop a few packages off and I said in the car the weirdest statement I have probably ever said to him. I breathed a big sigh and said "Anthony, I feel like an alien!" He paused for about 2 full minutes with silence and then finally said "I guess I should ask what that means." I thought it was a pretty funny moment but when I started to explain the statment to him, I started to well up with tears. Lately I have felt like I live in an alternate reality. Since the day I found out we were pregnant I have been in a whirlwind. The day was weird in and of itself because we had been trying for 6 months and I figured I just would not be able to get pregnant with my diabetic issues. I fully intended to take the test and then throw it away in the waste basket at the Carl's Jr. I tested at as it would most certainly say "not pregnant." Yes, I know...classy joint to find out you are pregnant in!

Well then I set up an appointment with my general physician and the OBGYN and before I knew it I was hospitilized and learning that I was going to be taking 6 shots a day and basically running my whole life around eating and poking myself. We then got home and started to adjust to all of the changes that were happening while we were housesitting for a friend. When we finally got back to our apartment and started living life as normal, I started to feel like an alien. I feel like I have been abducted and the person who lives in this apartment with Anthony is the alien that has replaced me.

I no longer have the drive to think about making money, being a therapist, or even cleaning the house most days. I have a one tracked mind...this one track is "did I do something that could harm our child" 24/7! While in the hospital they really built up a thought of me losing the baby and totally made me believe that I had already done the unthinkable. My lack of knowledge had put my baby in peril and I would probably have to grieve a loss in no time. The last couple of weeks I have been waiting for the moment when I would have to say goodbye and grieve one more time in my life. (cue the tears)

I have tried to have an upbeat attitude and realize that so far I have no symptoms of losing this baby. I have tried to reassure myself that it was just way earlier than we thought and that I probably caught the pregnancy fast enough that I was able to get the sugars down and controlled so the baby could develop and grow. I try to remind myself that God put this child here and that means something. Then I remember losing my nephew in 2007 and that he put that baby here too. I remember that I have had tragedy after tragedy that I did not expect and that this one would just be another way that I had lost. I remember that people tell me that my losses are for a purpose...they are supposed to make me into a better therapist who understands the struggles that my clients are going through. There is this constant fear that everything in my life has to be a learning experience.

I realize that God loves me so much that he sent his son to die for me. I realize that Jesus' life was full of heartache,grief, and pain. I realize that I really don't have any better coming then what he went through and what many others go through every day. I realize that in my life I have never had anything handed to me and have never had anything easy as long as I can remember. These are the facts that paralyze me with fear. Am I being negative and doom and gloom or am I simply accepting the facts of my life. I have lived on this planet for almost 29 years and I simply cannot name a year where there wasn't trauma and grief. This is not an attempt to throw a pity party because to be honest, my life is still so much better than a lot of folks out there. I still have an education, talents, and abilities. I still have quite possibly the best husband that I could ever imagine having. I still have the most wonderful beautiful sisters that I could have. I still have a gorgeous nephew that is alive and a beautiful neice on the way. I still had one of the most precious nephews ever for 13 days. I still have a mama who loves me and sacrificed a lot for me to be successful. I still have a dad who was able to really claim his mistakes and begin developing a relationship with me after 21 years of no relationship.

I still had amazing grandparents who did well financially so that we would eat and have a place to live when my mom could not possibly support us financially. I still have friends galore who are praying over my child and reminding me daily that Anthony and I will be amazing parents. I still have the luxuries of a full belly, a roof over my head, and amenities all over the place thanks to AT&T and the job Anthony has. I still have medical benefits that take care of me diabetically and I still have the most amazing healthcare team that money can buy. I have no pity or sorrow for myself but the reality is...I still believe that bad things happen to me and I learn and grow from them immensely so I do not curse GOd for them.

In the hospital me and Jesus had one of the hardest discussions I have ever had with him before. I sat on my hospital rocking chair in my very sexy gown and thanked him for saving me over and over again when I did not get the diabetic memo. I thanked him for even giving me one minute to see that "pregnant" sign on the urine stick of a $7.00 test I picked up fully knowing I wasn't pregnant and then I said these words.

Jesus, no matter what happens to this baby or with this baby. I will love you. I will continue serving you and I will accept it as your will. If I carry full term and we get to raise this child. I will raise this child for you. If I get only a few weeks to be pregnant before it's over. I will praise you even then. If I get to be pregant a long time and then lose it, you are still my Lord. If I get to have the baby and then you choose to take it away once I already love and know, I will still serve you even then in my devestation but Lord give me strength to love and serve you no matter what and to accept your will in my life yet again.

I really wish I could see another outcome and believe that for once my life will be different. Anthony, after all is a way my life is different. I wish I could be myself for a mintue and be positive even when the chips can fall wherever they want. I have this default setting that comes in me that says "expect the worst and prepare for that and when anything good happens be estatically surprised!" Why do i operate on such saddness and expectation of pure pain? Why can't I believe that there will be something wonderful in my life that doesn't come with tears, heartache, and disaster before it. Why do I have to qualify for the "hard knock lesson" before getting the smile and the elation that comes with joy. I am in pain today and realizing that life has been difficult and it has proved to create in me almost an inevitable expectation of devestation. Please Jesus let have more hope and less preparation. I want to be filled with joy and anticipation and all I am is an alien form of myself going through the motions for fear I might love this child even more than I already do and be a shell of a person after the verdict comes down.

I would appreciate prayers for my mind today and all that it is going through. I am already a mama and that means I am already in love and hoping that I get one more minute with my little one and get to look at his/her face and decide if he or she looks like me or Anthony in the face. I know it sounds corny but I look forward to each and ever night that I don't get sleep. I look forward to every diaper that I gag at when changing. I crave those moments of realizing that I haven't ate a warm meal in years because that is the joy of being a mother and I sincerely hope for it. I fear blood every time I go to the bathroom and am paralyzed with worry when I feel any pain in my body. I practically go into hyperventihilation when the ultra sound screen comes on and just close my eyes to start to pray that it's better and more developed than last time. They call this a high risk pregnancy but I would call it a white knuckle, edge of your seat, painfully realistic, never feel happiness for one minute with follow up with anxiety pregnancy. Jesus Help me! Help me praise you and accept everything that is coming even when it's difficult, painful and scary. Remind me of your faithfulness to me in the past and that even when I went through pain, you were always there with beauty to follow the ashes. You have kept your promise with a rainbow after every torrential downpour. You are good God and I need to reminded each and every doctor visit heck every bathroom visit.

Please pray for me and with me over this post. This is what my heart is going through. Thanks for loving us and little lewis friends. We appreciate you!


Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. The uncertainty is the hardest part....I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks a couple of years ago, and it after a few weeks of "maybe," it was almost a relief to know for sure.

I think that all you can do is offer up your child to God, just like you have done. There are so many things that can go wrong (both before and after they're born!) and there's no way you can keep them safe all of the time.

You three are in our prayers!

Anonymous said...

I dont know you, I stumbled to your blog through anothers. My pregnancy was normal but after giving birth my beautiful boy wasnt. He is now 10 and some 20 sugeries later I dont blame myself anymore. I blamed myself for a long time that if I had known of my pregnancy sooner I could have stopped my migraine meds, thinking they may have caused his problems. Now I realize we are blessed that God chose us to be his parents. He has taught us so many things about life we wouldnt have known otherwise. I wish you all the luck and will pray for you and your baby, as well as your husband.