Friday, July 17, 2009

Grief keeps you awake

Over the years of losses in my life, nothing quite seems as traumatizing as last night. I know that it's crazy to give your blog parts of you that you don't give to people but then again, I know you are reading so maybe this is my way of reaching out. Last night I lost my baby. That was one of the hardest sentences I have ever blogged in keeping this blasted blog for over 5 years. Anthony and I have been trying to have a baby for some time now and were just thrilled when the pregnancy test finally revealed we were pregnant. It seems like a million years ago now when I saw the test and felt joy. I have been through so much upheaval these last 5-6 weeks that I don't remember the joy, only the fear and pain.

As this past weekend was bad enough as I started cramping and bleeding, thought that I had miscarried, attended my appointment to have new hope and then went through the most physically painful and emotionally traumatizing experience of my life last night as my body felt like it was attacking me. I am going to spare you most of the gory details as I know that some of you have had miscarriages and I don't want to retraumatize those parts of you. If you have been through this just know that my heart goes out to you. I know that no two people have the same pregnancy and therefore probably don't have the same miscarriage but mine was anything but uneventful. I was up for 12 hours straight bleeding more than I have ever bled in my life, feeling pain I didn't deem possible, and begging my husband to tell God to stop it! It was so hard on both of us.

Today we both spent the day fading in and out of naps on the couch and eventually said goodnight to each other so Anthony could get some sleep for work and he put his arms around me and the tears would not stop. I was breathing huge gasps for air as the pain started to surface. He is so sweet and just reassured me everything was going to be ok and that he loved me so much. I finally stopped crying and went through about a dozen kleenex before finally talking and saying "I just need to let this hurt for a while I think" to which my husband replied "me too" and I realized this was something that we had a choice about. We could let this tear us apart or draw us closer and we chose the latter. We need each other through this disappointment and hurt and it's such a beautiful time to use our pain to bond us together instead of ripping us apart with isolation.

I can't get to sleep. It could be because I am still in a lot of pain and sitting with a heating pad firmly attached to my side or it could be that I lost my child. My first and only child so far and I loved that baby more than anything I could begin to explain to you. I know that might sound silly to those who have never had a baby or perhaps have had children but never lost one....but you love with everything in you and regardless of what happened last night I was that baby's mama and I am sad I will never see his/her face or hear the word mama from it's sweet voice. My heart is broken tonight. Will I try again? ...I am sure I will after getting through this and taking God's direction on when the timing is right for Anthony and myself. Will I love another child? Sure I will. Will I be ok? Yes, I know I will as God is a healer of all things broken.

Am I a little less of myself because of this event. You better believe it. I appreciate you reading and letting me just get it out for a second. I am guessing this isn't the last of a post of this nature. Sleep might be something I don't understand for a while. Of all the losses of all 28 years, this one biggest.

Thanks for all of the prayers and support friends. I won't forget it and I hope you allow me to be there for you through trials of many kinds.


Mommy to those Special Ks said...

I am so sorry Erica. My prayers are with you. I know that one day you will be reunited with your baby in Heaven. What a beautiful day that will be! In the meantime, it's ok to hurt and grieve. I pray that physically at least you will heal quickly. Hang in there.

Terra said...

I completely understand what you mean by you were already a mama to your baby...when I found out I was pregnant with Livvy one of the biggest/hardest things for me to accept was that I was and would always be a mom .... forever. Whether I lost her before she was born, carried her full term and lost her later as a child, or whether she one day buries me. Whether I'm a good mom or a bad mom...I am and forevermore will be a mother. For this gal, who had never done anything she couldn't walk away from or change her mind about - this was HUGE!! And a concept that many others didn't seem to get. As I told Tasha after she lost Isaiah, you ARE a mom. The loss of your baby doesn't take that from you and having carried that child for even one second has changed you forever. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that nothing can take that from you.

In hard times, we (as couples) can come together or fall apart. For you and Anthony to not face this together, hand-in-hand would shock me. I can see how much you love one another and how devoted you are to one another. Years ago, I remember telling Toby that I felt like it was me & him against the world. At the time, I was young & dumb and upset over something stupid my family had done without any idea of how hard "real" life could be. Over the years though I've come to realize that it really IS us against "them" much of the time. I am so comforted that Toby is there for me in both the times when I celebrate and the times when I am lost and broken. You will be amazed at how strong your relationship becomes as you grieve and grow together through this.

I'm still praying for you both and will continue to do so. Sending big hugs your way, hoping that you find peace and comfort in knowing God has a plan, and praying that you heal, at least physically, quickly.