Friday, July 24, 2009

The journey

Things have been really difficult lately for me and I am not sure how to navigate through them. Each day seems like a new challenge and because it is so piled up on top of each other they don't seem to be things that I can handle at the moment. I am normally a very "problem solving" person but lately I feel like each problem that surfaces takes me out for at least a couple of hours in a meltdown. I am very much ready to try to get my life back but my heart just isn't ready.

I have honestly been through so much in my 28 years that you would think that I have some sort of advantage to others that go through pain but it turns out that grief is not a respector of persons. I am grieving so much. I am grieving the loss of our child and quite honestly a dream. I am grieving this stupid disease called diabetes and the ways that it changes my life. I am grieving our finances and the difficult place we are sitting right now. I am grieving with my homesickness. I miss my family so much and really want to see them. I am grieving that I will have a birthday and our one year anniversary in just a few weeks and we don't have a dime to celebrate.

I am just grieving. That is all I know how to do right now.

1 comment:

Terra said...

I still pray for you both everyday. Without going into a lot of detail, suffice to say that I understand financial problems. It is always especially hard when you have an event to celebrate and no money to celebrate with. For me, at least, it seems likes those times really drive home how big the problem feels like it is. It's hard not to be depressed and reflect on the bad instead of focusing on the good.

For us, we've made it through those times by remembering the important thing - we're still together and we still have one another. I think I've mentioned before that Toby & I have made a tradition out of eating at McDonalds on our anniversary. Some years we could go someplace nicer, but many years we had to scrimp and pinch pennies just to get a value meal at MickeyD's while wondering if we'd have enough gas to get us to the closest one. Try to focus on the reason you're celebrating and remind yourselves of the awesome blessing that you have in one another.

Just this morning I was telling Toby about a friend of mine who is going through some hard times. She's a single mom and she works like a dog for a paycheck that never covers enough. My heart breaks for her and her kids. But, as I told Toby this morning, it also reminds me of how thankful I should be that I have him. Because no matter how bad whatever I have to face is, at least I know I am not alone in it. Having that companion is one of the greatest gifts we can be given.

I check on you daily through FB and your blogs. I know many days you probably just can't bring yourself to put down words for what you are dealing with, and that's OK. I've been there too - where no words were adequate for what I felt. I just want you to know that in my own way I'm checking up on you :) Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you non-stop!

Love you!