Sunday, December 18, 2011

Envy and Jealousy

Today I am dealing with some painful things and one of those is Envy/Jealousy. I really like to look at definitions because 1.) I am extremely nerdy and love my vocabulary to be exact and 2.) I think if you know what you are dealing with, you can name it when you pray about it. So, here are the definitions of the two.

Envy/Jealousy: A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck. (N.)

Now, here is what God says about it ( just a little bit of what He says)

James 3:16 -- For where Jealousy and Selfish-ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

James 4:2-3 -- You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

1 Corinthians 3:3 -- For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way.

These are just a few verses in the Bible about jealousy/envy. These are painful things for me to admit to but this is my sin of choice. Some people really enjoy drinking to excess, some people are lustful in their hearts, some struggle with anger...mine is jealousy and envy.

After reading these verses, it was funny because a lady walked into Starbucks with a beautiful new baby and I just winced in pain because this is what God is dealing with me on currently. I am jealous of people I know and love, people I have no knowledge of, and people that are so far removed from me it is silly. If I take a gander over my whole life, I can see that this pattern existed a bit before but has become noticeably stronger since 2009. I know that there is a desire in my heart that has not yet been realized but I want this problem to go away. I want to be faithful enough to God to stop feeling this way while my desire has not been reached.

I also know (as a Therapist) that these feelings are healthy and real and I won't stop acknowledging them. I know that it is "normal" to feel this way when you have gone through a loss or a time of longing and things are not coming to pass. I know that this is a reasonable and explainable and even understandable way to feel. I feel compassion for others who feel this way and can empathize deeply with their heart. I also feel convicted, angry at myself, and in pain and these are things I want to be done with.

Sometimes my therapeutic self and my faith become enemies and I have to figure out where I stand on something. However, when I dig deep and think about how it feels to be angry or resentful or spiteful or jealous...I know that those are not good for my spirit or my mind. It is my job to pray about this problem and give it to God daily for the betterment of my relationship with Him as well as with myself and others.

I just had to put this out there today. I am going through a lot and I wish it would just go away. I wish I would just be able to rejoice with those who rejoice. This makes me feel like a rotten person and I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy, truly happy without regard to other's lives. God, please take this nasty feeling out of me.


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