Saturday, November 06, 2004

Lost, Empty, Alone, Scared, PERFECT

Have you ever suffered greatly and knew it was the most perfect thing for you? I am doing that right now. Today is Saturday and I am sitting at home as usual resting up from a hard week. Today I woke up after a horrible dream crying my eyes out and wishing to not be alive. I should note here that I am not suicidal so please don't worry. I immediately called someone I love and talked things out with them. I feel very lost, empty, alone, and scared right now, hence the title of today's post. These feelings are scary for me but at the same time, needed. In my relationship with God in the past, I have never really depended on Him totally because there was always SOMEONE around to depend on. I used to depend on Adolfo a lot and my family and maybe a few guy friends. These people were my salvation so why do I need Jesus?

Lately I have focused greatly on my spiritual and mental health and God has led me to a place of alone time. He has greatly encouraged me toward being alone right now and that He will take care of the rest. I am learning to trust that God has the perfect person set aside for me and he is making him into the man of God he needs to be while I am being made into the woman I need to be. It is so hard in today's culture not to focus on romantic love. I have had a few instances this week where I could have completely settled and I didn't. I am really missing companionship and romantic love but I find that there are times that I am not missing it at all but dwelling in the safety of only "dating" Jesus right now.

I have been single for only 9 months and I have found out so much about myself. I have learned who I am and what I have to offer that beautiful man that God is creating. I have narrowed the search and figured out what it is that I am "looking" for. I have defined the weaknesses in me and started working on fixing them. I have declared my own dreams and taken steps to achieve them. I have found my hobbies and spend time doing them. I have learned the value of silence and wallowed in it at times. I have felt the strength of being at your weakest and still loving where you are. I am happy to say that 9 months later, God has remade me and is continuing to do so every single minute of every single day.

Today the plan is to go running, eat healthy, work on my grad school apps, read my Bible, stand up for something I believe in, and love my friends and family. I need to remember what is important to me. I am so focused on getting better that I am allowing myself to get worse. I don't want to be depressed. This isn't a time to wallow and hurt but to stand up and be joyful at all that God is doing. I am becoming a woman I can be proud of.

Next week holds a few exciting things for me. I am going out to a few lunch dates with friends and catching up with people I love. I am working as usual but making time for me. My mom will be 48 on Thursday and my older sister will be 29. Happy Birthday Mom and Boss! I love you both very much and thanks for always being around. You are the only two who always have been and always will be! I am so lucky!

Well I love you all very much and my apologies to a certain man today as I had to make a very hard decision. I apologize truly! Have a beautiful day all and I am praying for you. Please do the same for me! ~Shalom~

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