Monday, November 01, 2004

Fear and how that affects me

Hey everyone. I am actually posting for yesterday right now because last night I went running down at Balboa and had this total great time with God and then when I came home to post, I never got around to it. I had a really great learning experience and wanted to journal about it almost immediately and I got sidetracked. I was so happy to get to get into my jogging pants and head off to the beach last night for some running time. I went down and stretched and busted out running/walking first.

After I ran/walked for a while I headed to this special place I have there where I sit on a concrete wall above some rocks looking onto the water and just poured my heart out to God. A lot of my prayers were focused around fear. Fear is a hard word to define for everyone I think and we are all afraid of so many things. My fears are a mixture of irrational and rational, stupid and quite intelligent, justifiable and completely unwarranted. Some things I am afraid of are very hard for me to talk about with anyone but the Lord and then others are so easy for me to be open about that I wonder if they have lost their sting.

Last night I mainly talked to God about my fear of being alone. I think all of the time how pleasant it was to be with Adolfo. I think about how nice it was to always have someone to eat dinner with, walk on the beach with, talk to before bed, cry to when I was hurting, and share my hugest dreams with. Now, I don't have that. I don't expect anyone reading this to feel sorry for me because I am aware that I left the relationship with Adolfo and I really shouldn't act like I was left.

What I am looking to explain is the feeling of being completely alone! I have felt very alone for the last 9 months and at times almost desperate for another person breathing to be near me. This has caused me to take on things I wouldn't normally take on. This has also caused me to sell myself short of all that God has for me. This has made me focus on things that I don't really care about and ignore the things that are more important to me. Overall fear has paralyzed me.

Recently I made a plan to stop needing people so much and realize my desperate need for God. I have fully realized how much I need the Lord and how much everyone else makes me feel alone. I have come to the conclusion that I have very unrealistic expectations for my friendships, romantic relationships, and even family relationships. I can't want so much and need so much right now. I need to realize that my ideal relationship to have someone near me and loving me is already there. I have that with the Lord.

I talked to God for about a half hour about everything I fear from the biggest of being alone forever to the smallest of not having enough money to buy a new car. There are fears in that list that don't make a lot of sense but I don't have to make a lot of sense to Jesus. He knows me! Overall, I poured my heart out and told God how scared I was and begged him to wrap his arms around me and hold me because I need to be held. I was held very dearly for 6 years and the man I loved so much, loved me better than I could ever love him.

Today, I wanted to first of all thank you Adolfo for the 6 years that you were my companion, friend, confidant, listener, and punching bag. I apologize for all I did to hurt you and wish the most happiness and joy that your life could possibly bring! I will always care very deeply and think very highly of you!

Secondly I want to remind all of you reading this that there is a perfect love relationship. That is the one between the Father and YOU! Learn everything you can about that relationship and you will understand how love is supposed to work. I am working on loving right now by learning from example. The example of how my heavenly Father loves me!

I felt like this lesson needed to be shared. I will be posting later on after my time with the Lord and my run in order to give you my learning experience for the day. I hope you all are doing great. More updates in the next post! Have a great night and ~Shalom~

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