Friday, November 12, 2004

Let me just tell ya......

The title of today's blog is one of what my friends *Heather and Joel* would call "Ericaisms." I often start a sentence or lengthy story with "Let me just tell ya..." Today I am starting one of those stories. Let me just tell ya that I am SICK of trying to lose weight. I am taking a giant step today in telling you all how I am feeling about being overweight. This is something that has torn me up for years. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel. I started losing weight in 2001 when Adolfo cancelled our wedding and I thought it was because I resembled a giant marshmallow in my wedding gown. I came to find out that it wasn't the weight that made Adolfo not marry me...it was me. That is sad and depressing to say but that kid didn't even care that I weighed *not kidding* 336 lbs. I started out by just working out a little because a little is more than nothing. I did 30 minutes of Richard Simmons a day and I started eating a little differently. I cut out soda altogether and somewhat cut down portion size.

I have lost quite a bit of weight up to today. I got down as low as 224 in August. I was stoked. Well, lately I have experienced a little bit of a problem. I keep weighing in on Saturday to find myself gaining weight. I am back up to 238 and I am scared. I run every night and/or walk and I eat relativelyl healthy. I still don't drink soda and I try to limit my intake of bad items. However, lately I have been having a hard time losing and an even harder time with emotional eating. Tonight I realized how sick I am of being fat. I hate it every single day of my life. I should note here that I love myself. I love how I have a cute face and a great personality and make friends very easily. I love that boys like me even if I am chubby but let's be serious *another Ericaism* ...I can't stand it anymore. I hate the way my pants cut off my circulation, I hate the way I can't really enjoy myself at the beach with a swimsuit on, I hate how the man I love is perfect...and I am not! I hate how I feel around him. That being said, I am in despair about my weight and figured that someone out there would read this..and understand

I am starting over once again as most people who struggle with weight have to. I am going out walking/running tonight and comitting to an exercise plan all next week, drinking only water, cutting out any pork products, white bread, and sweets. I am so scared that I am going to get back up to 300 lbs overnight and never lose this plague around my middle. I am so sad about this and tomorrow is weigh in and it doesn't look good. I am still wearing the smaller clothes but not comfortably. Please pray for me people ...I want this more than I want anything in life. I should go now and walk but have a great night and eat for me since I won't be doing much of that any time soon! ~shalom and FAT BE GONE~

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