Friday, November 12, 2004

Let me just tell ya......

The title of today's blog is one of what my friends *Heather and Joel* would call "Ericaisms." I often start a sentence or lengthy story with "Let me just tell ya..." Today I am starting one of those stories. Let me just tell ya that I am SICK of trying to lose weight. I am taking a giant step today in telling you all how I am feeling about being overweight. This is something that has torn me up for years. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel. I started losing weight in 2001 when Adolfo cancelled our wedding and I thought it was because I resembled a giant marshmallow in my wedding gown. I came to find out that it wasn't the weight that made Adolfo not marry was me. That is sad and depressing to say but that kid didn't even care that I weighed *not kidding* 336 lbs. I started out by just working out a little because a little is more than nothing. I did 30 minutes of Richard Simmons a day and I started eating a little differently. I cut out soda altogether and somewhat cut down portion size.

I have lost quite a bit of weight up to today. I got down as low as 224 in August. I was stoked. Well, lately I have experienced a little bit of a problem. I keep weighing in on Saturday to find myself gaining weight. I am back up to 238 and I am scared. I run every night and/or walk and I eat relativelyl healthy. I still don't drink soda and I try to limit my intake of bad items. However, lately I have been having a hard time losing and an even harder time with emotional eating. Tonight I realized how sick I am of being fat. I hate it every single day of my life. I should note here that I love myself. I love how I have a cute face and a great personality and make friends very easily. I love that boys like me even if I am chubby but let's be serious *another Ericaism* ...I can't stand it anymore. I hate the way my pants cut off my circulation, I hate the way I can't really enjoy myself at the beach with a swimsuit on, I hate how the man I love is perfect...and I am not! I hate how I feel around him. That being said, I am in despair about my weight and figured that someone out there would read this..and understand

I am starting over once again as most people who struggle with weight have to. I am going out walking/running tonight and comitting to an exercise plan all next week, drinking only water, cutting out any pork products, white bread, and sweets. I am so scared that I am going to get back up to 300 lbs overnight and never lose this plague around my middle. I am so sad about this and tomorrow is weigh in and it doesn't look good. I am still wearing the smaller clothes but not comfortably. Please pray for me people ...I want this more than I want anything in life. I should go now and walk but have a great night and eat for me since I won't be doing much of that any time soon! ~shalom and FAT BE GONE~

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