Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Raw Emotion

Have you ever been so raw that you would growl at love songs, cry over everything, and just basically feel like putting the covers over your head and not coming out? I am at that exact point in my life right now. I have had a hard couple of days. I have experienced the ending of a relationship that I was really enjoying plus finding out that certain people in my life felt differently about me than I had thought. It's such a hard place for me to be. Yesterday was the totally over commercialized, entirely made up holiday Valentine's Day and I was just plain bitter. I had all of these plans this year to heal and feel whole. I had found a man I wanted to share my special "love day" with and had purchased the appropriate cards, gifts, etc... all to have him give up on me in Vegas and not even communicate with me about it. COWARD is a great word for this occasion.

I am a million emotions all at once; bitter, confused, angry, sad, broken, distraught, stressed, grateful, relieved, scared, livid, perplexed, frustrated, aggitated, annoyed, and mostly just plain depressed. I have had some pretty hard days in my life for sure and this isn't the worst of them but it certainly isn't the best either. I shared my whole world with this boy and he completely threw it in the garbage.

The one thing that completely makes me regret everything is that I opened up with this boy about my greatest love in my grandfather. I trusted him with my deepest, darkest emotion and he completely tossed it to the wind. I fear that I opened myself up more than I ever intended to and it was a mistake. I am going to be so much more careful with who I let in my heart. I am scared that I am going to shut myself off from this and never try to love again.

I made some mistakes with Avery ..that is for sure but the thing I am most proud of is that I took responsibility for my part in it. He took no responsibility at all including not keeping his word in the end. He was a pitiful coward and for that, I am truly grateful to be rid of it.

I also really owe a great thank you to my friend John who willingly took care of me on Sunday when I was scared, alone, and hurt. I appreciate when real friends come through for you. I appreciate my boys who want to kill people for me and for my girls who cry with me.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and I disagree....I would rather have NEVER loved this man or anything that he was. I am truly sorry for allowing him this deeply into my heart and life. Good bye and good riddance! I am truly raw and sad at this point and I am only blogging to hope it lets some of it out in the open.


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