Thursday, September 30, 2004

God is still God!

Good evening everyone. This Thursday I still feel pretty yucky and medicating myself to completion. My phone is programmed to ring every time I need to take some medication and it literally rings like I might have friends. Today has been an ok day. I went to work most of the day and tried to stick the day out. I ended up having to go home about an hour early just because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Luckily my boss, Gary, is the best and totally understands my health concerns currently. Gary is such a blessing to me and I find that God teaches me something new every single day that I am employed by him.

Christopher is doing well also. He is reading "number the stars" right now which is about the persecution of Jewish Danes. It is really interesting and he is liking it a lot. He doesn't usually enjoy reading so this is a huge thing for him. One of my huge goals upon having Christopher in my life is to make sure that reading becomes a pleasant experience instead of a burden.

My life is improving daily and I certainly see the hand of God in everything that has occurred over the last year. This last year of my life has been a very difficult one as well as the best one I have experienced in a long time. I have gained healing over things that I thought I would never be able to heal over and I have completely been obedient to God in areas that I refused to before. I really appreciate that God brought some really great people (namely one) into my life to speak truth to me.

This amazing thing went down yesterday upon me leaving work to go to the doctor. My co-worker, Leslie, has a 16 year old daughter. She called and was in a terrible accident where she honestly should have died and ended up just having a broken foot and some cuts and bruises. The amazing part of the story is that the boy that was driving the vehicle was not a Christian until yesterday. God is pretty amazing and I think even unbelievers can find magic in the fact that something so horrific can bring someone to grace.

I am going to start writing every day in here about something I learn about myself. This blog is not only for the public but it's also a great tool for me to kind of spit out some things after a long day. I think that I learn so much in my life and I am always looking for the experience that God wants me to gain. Growing always produces growing pains BUT I love that God cares that much.

Today I am struggling with perfectionist tendencies. For those of you who really know me well, you know that I expect myself to be perfect at everything and if I am not, I get very worried and anxious. Well, God has clearly been trying to slow me down. First of all, I got a flat tire which literally slows me down but also slows me down on another level. I had to reach out to those I know to help me because I had no knowledge of what to do in the case of a flat. I know that I come from a car family but I have never been in the position nor been taught how to deal with it. Also, I am really sick and that requires me to slow down my fast paced life out here.

Today I was speaking with my boss about this quality of mine where I feel inadequate if I have to ask how to do anything. This is absolutely an absurd way to live. This is really counterproductive because I am always going to be short of knowlege. I can't possibly know everything, however, I can learn EVERYTHING. I need to come to the conclusion that I owe myself a "grace period" (as Gary called it) where I give myself time to learn things. I just entered into the world of home loans only 4 weeks ago. I don't know everything yet and to be quite honest, I have to ask a lot of questions. This shouldn't anger me or frustrate me but it does. I feel so stupid and so inadequate when I don't come to work knowing everything. I realized today that this quality of mine can destroy a potential learning experience as well as the self-esteem it would grant to those who have an opportunity to teach because they DO know.

I am learning today that I need to ask for help. Whether that goes with changing a flat tire, finding out what doctor to go to for cheap medical help, or learning how to put a loan package together. This concern of mine parallels with my spiritual life in that I need a spiritual mentor. I am going to be praying for a older (at least 30 years of age) female to mentor me. I would love it if you all would extend your prayers to this as well. I need a woman in my life who is living Proverbs 31 and is proud of it. I need a strong female who is willing to invest her energy, prayers, affirmation, and accountability to my life. This is what I have learned about myself today.

I am going to go and have some prayer time as I am very unrested right now in this acknowledgement. Please continue to pray for me and I will be praying for you as well. I would encourage anyone who is interested to start blogging because it is terribly therapetuic and educational. Have a wonderful evening everyone and ~Shalom~

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