Sunday, May 29, 2005

Parenting and expectations.

Today I write about a sensitive subject. Neither of my parents actually read the blog so I know I have an open forum today to talk. I decided to do a little research and see what the actual definition of "Parents" really is. This is what I found.

Parenting comprises all the tasks involved in raising a child to an independent adult. Parenting begins even before the child is born or adopted and may last until the death of the parent or child. Parenting is a part of the relationship within a family.

This defintion may make a lot of people say "yeah that's what I thought" or "I had great parents!" My thoughts and feelings upon reading this defintion are saddness, grief, and overall disappointment. I have come to a very important place in my emotional healing. This past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest ones of my life. I was very ill and lost my job all at the same time. I lost a lot of hope regarding my diabetic healing and mostly, I have lost the hope of ever being parented.

I love my mom and dad very much although I really don't feel they deserve my love. Then again, who deserves love anyway? I know that if you are reading the blog, you are aware of my background and the many trials my childhood provided. I didn't ever have my dad around until I was 21 and that was by my doing that we started a "relationship." My mom raised us (Hill, Britt, and I) virtually alone with the financial help of my grandparents. There was much abuse, neglect, and abandonment in my childhood. These are things that I have grown accustomed to and worked through daily in my own personal progress. I have forgiven my mom for some of the horrible things that I endured and I have even forged ahead in my relationship with my father.

Today, I come to a sad realization and a new place in my life. I am 25 years old this year and to me that really constitutes ADULTHOOD! I know that by law we are adults at age 18 but I really felt like there was a maturity level and realization I needed to reach before I was an adult. This week I have come to the conclusion that my parents are not people I can count on. I can't count on my mom for financial help when I lose my job and I am sick. I can't count on my mom for wise financial advice, emotional guidance, or healing sympathy. I cannot rely on my dad for anything whatsoever and this truly saddens me.

The above mentioned definition of parents really made me sad because not only did my parents not start parenting before they had us but we were all basically "accidents." They do not parent successfully nor are they still parents until death. It is just a sad day in my life because although I have known the dysfunction..I really had a glimmer of hope for my parents. Now, I am not saying that my parents can't heal and work on their issues and one day be great! I am saying that I can't hold onto that hope any longer. I must forge ahead and create for myself a new family where I have a soft place to fall.

This will include my friends, mentors, church family, and one day my husband and children. I am praying for all of this and would appreicate your prayers with me. Thank you for reading the innermost thoughts and feelings that I am going through and I am praying for all of you as well. Have a great day and please keep praying as I am waiting on God's healing and provision.

Much love!

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