Friday, May 27, 2005

On the way down

Hello everyone and I hope that this blog finds you all doing much better than myself. If you are logging on today there is a huge possibility that you already are aware of the tragedy called my life. An update on the situation is as such. Today, I payed my car insurance just to leave myself nothing to live on or pay my cell phone bill with. I am really scared right now about my financial security but again, I see an opportunity to watch God be faithful yet again. I have called most of you and asked you to be praying over my situation because to be honest, I see no hope or light at the end of this tunnel. I know God to be a faithful God and I know HE loves me very much but man, this is so hard for me.

Losing my job really made me realize that God wants to get me alone right now. He wants to get me to where I have no ability to function on my own so that I learn the valuable lesson of leaning on him and other believers to help me survive. It's the scariest place I have ever been. I need to be completely honest right now and recognize the disobedience that got me to this place. I have been living outside of the will of God for a while now. Mostly since about November of last year. I have had a prayer life and even attended church here and there but overall, have been doing things that aren't in my best interest nor things I believe in morally.

I have since chosen to cut off my dating life and only be involved with people that are supportive, loving, helpful, and overall, followers of God's word. I am not in any position to date at this time in my life because I do not know the proper attention level to achieve nor the way to recognize genuine care and not lust. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now and addressing my scary need for male attention as well as my lack of boundaries.

I am currently reading the book by Cloud and Townsend called "Boundaries" and working through the workbook that supplements it. It is eye opening for sure and has shown me the ways that I do not use my own boundaries and completely run over other's boundaries. My goals and desires in life are not getting achieved due to my complete resistence to God's leading. I have to start to get real with myself and others and really work through the problems that have gotten me here.

I want to give you all an update on everything at once so that I don't have to write 4,000 emails so here it all is...

Overeater's Anonymous: Since going through this illness I haven't been to a meeting but I am currently 1 month and 17 days clean.

Health: My sugar is still not regulated but I am taking my insulin and medications as the doctor says. I need prayers for financial help because I can't afford the dr visits, diabetic testing supplies, insulin, medications, and such.

Finances: Praying for money to pay bills right now!

Heather and Josh are back in the states at their respective homes and safe.
Heather and Jason just celebrated a year together!
Hannah Graduated from Vanguard on May 7th with her BA in Liberal Studies (Highest GPA in the major) Stay tuned for pics!
Josh is in colorado working for the summer, get to see him in July!
Heather's mom just got through another brain surgery and is doing well.
Carrie, Paul, and The kids are doing great. I got to see them while I was in Indiana. Stay tuned for pictures!
Jarrid has a new job and is getting married to Sarah on September 24th.
Joel is job hunting and deciding on grad school and is still my hero!
Britt graduated from high school on May 20th and I got to be there. Stay tuned for pics here too!

Emotionally: Just seeking God's comfort daily on a million and one things. I trust him though and I know I'll make it.

Weight loss: I weigh 220 lbs now which is a total of 130 lbs This is the smallest I have been in years! Hallelujah!

Jobs: Stilling working for Richard as Chris' nanny. He is getting ready to finish his 6th grade year. We are struggling with homework still but he is doing great in Karate and is up for his purple belt soon. He is also doing great in Piano and just finished his first recital with his teacher (Miss HANNAH) :)

I guess that is my update and more than anything..I need prayer, friendship, and help. Please keep your heart, ears, eyes, for ways that God leads you to encourage me. I need all of the help I can get! Have a great day and God bless you all this memorial day!

~Much Love~

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