Saturday, July 23, 2005

Indiana Erica vs. California Erica..It's on!

Have you ever felt like you have waged war against yourself? I have for a long time now. Three years ago (almost exactly) I moved to southern California. I was moving out here for a mixture of reasons including that Adolfo was here, Vanguard was here, and a new fresh start was here. I had grown up in the southern portion of Indiana where my whole life had begun and continued until the day I got in my cavie and headed west. I never knew that the move would make such an impact on me. Almost immediately I realized that there was a difference between me and everyone else. I had a very different personality, different accent, and different morals. I find out today, that I was only 1/4 of the person I would soon become.

This blog is in no way trying to degrade Indiana or the people that choose to live there. My entire family is there plus many of my friends and loved ones. I have no problem with the actual state...I just have a problem with the person I was in that state. Today, I went back to therapy after 3 weeks out of it due to my therapist being on vacation and then myself being on vacation. It was great to see her and get to talk about my issues that have been developing or continuing since we last met. Today, my main point was about consistency. I am having a hard time making changes in my life. I have progressed so much in the last 4 years total that I can barely recognize myself ...but for some reason, I am not very consistent with advances.

Lately I have been working on a lot of really hard things in my life including personality flaws, sins, and past hurts. The main four things that are encompassing my life are preparation for Grad School, losing weight, my need for attention, and a major sin that I am not willing to share on my blog just yet. I promise I will share it when I feel comfortable though in order to help you in case you also struggle with this sin. I truly believe that when there is growth, we should share in order to help others around us get out of that place.

My therapist gave me an exercise this week to work on where I compare Indiana Erica and California Erica. This means that I make a page of things that Indiana Erica was like and then write all of the things that California Erica is like so I can see the progress I have made. An example of this would be that Indiana Erica weighed 350 lbs and California Erica weighs 220 lbs now. That is just a small example. Another exercise that she gave me to do was to write all of the things that I don't like about Indiana Erica in order to start working on destroying her. There is nothing wrong with where that Erica came from...just what she was with the tools God gave her!

In doing these exercises, I am hoping to gain some perspective on how hard this journey has been and give myself some grace to continue changing and growing. This growing experience is very frustrating and painful. I slip up quite a bit but I am trying to realize that now that I am knowledgable about where I responsibility is to continue to move. I have no problem with the fact that this part of my journey is going to be difficult..but I am scared that the other side of it isn't easier or happier but rather...more struggle. I would really appreciate your prayers as I continue to become the woman that God wants me to be. I really want so much out of my life yet I am not sure the steps to take. I am so appreciative that I have a support team and a therapist to help me grasp a lot of these changes.

If you are reading this today and you know both Ericas (Indiana and California), I would appreciate your input on this matter. Please tell me how I have changed since you have known me and what things I should be looking out for in Indiana Erica! Thank you all so much and I love you all to pieces!

Much luv,


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