Errands, Schedules, and Days gone by.

Today I realized that errands consume a great deal of my life. Yesterday I spent an hour and a 1/2 solving a customer service issue. Isn't it amazing how much of our lives we spend running to the store, mailing items, picking up prescriptions, picking up our dry cleaning, making phone calls and the such? I was perplexed because I had plans to spend much of my evening last night getting my life organized. Tonight has shifted to that night. Anthony and I haven't had a date in God knows how long due to his two jobs. I was thinking how I really wanted to spend time with him and just enjoy his company but since that isn't an option, I will go on a date with me and clean my room tonight. I need to get things together for the new semester anyway and for Chris' new quarter.

Today, Anthony and I are spending our precious time together running errands. I hate that for us. We are going to put insurance on his car and get it smog checked. Those are the kinds of things we do as a couple right now. I will be really grateful when God blesses Anthony with a raise or promotion so that one job is adequate for our lives. I am also going to be grateful when we both have figured out our debt and budgets and have a handle on how to take care of money, we are both learning that lesson.

My today is going to be filled with time with Anthony, cleaning, organizing, spending time with me and God, and getting ready for my "new year." I hope you all have a great Saturday and many blessings to you!

--Erica--

Consistency ...yet again.

So I said I was going to take one of my areas of struggle and blog it to death and boy have I with consistency?! I have been very consistent in the new year. I have eaten pretty well, taken meds, cared for my loved ones, done my job well, read my Bible, etc... and it feels good. Today I went over to Vanguard and registered financially for the new semester and saw my good friend Seth. He is a constant reminder of God's love for me through the program as well as several other people I go to school with. I talked with him for a few minutes and found out we have 3 classes together which is a blessing in every way. Consistency was important in a lot of areas but the one that I have come to the conclusion is the most important is trusting God and knowing HE loves me! I have been able to see his love in the new year way better through my family, friends, boyfriend, blessings, and opportunities to bless others.

Very few people actually read this blog on a daily basis so I don't mind sharing this today. I was at Target today and was heading in to get my storage containers for all of my STUFF and a few small school supplies to start the semester out and I was talking to my little sister on my $300 cell phone when this lady walked up to me with a squeegie in her hand and a few bags as well. She said "Excuse me Ma'm but do you mind if I wash your windows for a little money for my family to eat?" She was toothless, dirty, and clearly malnourished. My heart strings were very much tugged.

I know that a lot of people might say I am a sucker or might say "She will only buy drugs or alcohol" but something in my spirit said those words that Jesus said so many years ago. "What you do the least of these, you have done to me." I looked into her eyes and said absolutely. I got into my wallet and got out the only cash I had in there (I am pretty broke myself right now) which was $6.00 and handed it to her. She smiled with her toothless grin and I said "God bless you." I meant it this time. I wanted God to richly bless her. I wanted God to revolutionize her entire life. I wanted her to see how much He loves her. I wanted her to feel just a glimpse of the love I feel from Jesus Christ. He has given me great family, friends, and the most amazing boyfriend that could ever have been created. He handed me diamonds in the people he gave me. He gave me an intellect where I can learn well and a great education. He gave me a great job as Chris' nanny where I can maintain my life. He gave me everything and I watched today as someone without those things still pressed on trying to provide for her family. Talk about Girl power! I was moved. I saw Jesus in her and I wanted to serve Him so badly. We are all only one lay off, one bankruptcy, one house-fire away from losing all we have and becoming toothless, malnourished, and dirty.

Today I hoped that as she walked away from my cavalier (completely paid off at age 26) that she did an impeccable job cleaning up, she thought..that girl knows her Lord and He loves me enough to bring me to her! I wanted her to see Jesus in me, I only hope I showed His face well. I pray that it was Him, coming to see me today and remind me of his love and blessings in my life. I need to be often reminded of all of my blessings and how truly provided for I really am. Think that through today as some of you might be better off than myself. Thank HIM and help someone else today who might not be!

--Erica--

Netflix, love, laundry, and laughter

So tonight I decided that it was time to join netflix. I have had an account at Hollywood Video (which Anthony works for) and used their MVP plan which is somewhat like Netflix but not as good of a deal. So tonight, I decided to spare the money and hassle, netflix is the way to go. Anthony and I rely on movies for much of our entertainment life since we are both working our way to success and have little time or money for extravagance. I made my 500 movies I want to watch and that took a while. I chose a lot of tv series but it was fun to think about all of the films and tv shows I get to watch soon! :) YAY! I should receive the first shipment on Saturday and I thought it would be fun to share with the blog my view of my netflix movies.

Tonight I was sitting here and thinking about Anthony and how sweet the relationship between us really is and I had to call him at work and just say how much I truly love him. I have never been more secure in anything in my life. He makes me so happy. He makes me cry from being touched, laugh from his silly jokes, smile from his touch, and sigh from his kisses. He is the epitome of all things I truly desire. I am so anxious for God to say it's time to be with him forever and start a family together. I know that it is not in my hands though so I am enjoying January 5th ..2007 until then.

I have been doing laundry all day today and tonight. We had so many clothes from our Christmas "vacation" as well as all of the bed linens and towels from being sick. I have been trying so hard to catch up for days. I am lucky because I have the whole day off tomorrow. I am going to spend it sleeping in, taking my financial paperwork over to Vanguard, and cleaning up the room and making my life organized for my pending big start over with work and school. I am getting excited about my new classes and seeing my Grad Psych friends and kind of "starting over" in a sense of how I view myself academically.

Well, I should get off here and continue the mounds of laundry that is my life! Have a happy and safe weekend!

--E--

Consistency in action.

So last night after really recovering from the flu and cleaning my house top to bottom killing that mean flu virus, I laid down in the bed to catch up with my Bible reading plan. I read about Noah and this verse caught me by surprise. "He consistently followed God's will and enjoyed a close relationship with him." (Genesis 6:9b) I was amazed because it used this word that has been haunting me in the new year...consistently. I struggle with consistency in all of my relationships, endeavors, tasks, responsibilities, etc... I know that if I follow consistently my relationships will be closer, my grades better, my tasks completed on time, my life easier. I know this and found this to be true in a great biblical example of Noah. Noah had no problem knowing what to do in the flood situation because he was consistent. He didn't run out of time getting the ark built because he was consistent. He didn't get sick with all of those animals because my guess is, he was consistent. I long to be as consistent as Noah.

I ended up really getting the house cleaned up from the flu yesterday and have more laundry to run today. Christopher has a dental appointment, karate, and is going to his mom's this evening so that gives me a lot of time today to get the room picked up and plan out my next week which involves me returning to classes. This semester is going to be different. I will read my assignments, have things in on time, attend all of my classes, and not let my outside issues get in the way of my education. I am raring to go. I am looking forward to my classes to as they sound interesting.

I also return into full swing work on Monday as Christopher returns to classes as well. He is starting to get ready for the high school exam too so that should be a blast. We will also be trying to balance my schedule and his for a while with Thursdays being the operative problem. I am determined to get through this semester without a hitch. I have a little time constraint but one I should be able to work out.

I also return to therapy on Monday so my life is pretty much going right back into full swing all at once. I pray that my consistency issue will not rear it's ugly head but that I will get a hold on things. I have really not "started" working on the weight issue yet because I wanted to get better from this sickness but I am thinking about everything that goes into my mouth lately. I am going to start my work out plan tonight I think since I am rested up from being sick. I am not sure if my lungs are ready yet but we'll see. I am starting at working out 3 days a week and go from there. Once I get my loan money back it is going to go to a gym membership because my body has to get some CONSISTENT exercise.

Well, I should go and make some lunch for me and the boy. We are going to be starving on the job if we don't have something to eat. Be consistent like Noah today!

--Erica --

2nd day and all of my nourishment is GONE

So just when you think a new year is going to bring changes of consistency and then you are laid up in bed. I woke up on Tuesday morning and I was not feeling so great. I knew that Anthony and Richard and Chris had all been struggling with the stomach flu but for some reason, I thought I was exempt with all of my vitamins taken and I was already battling a horrible cold since Indiana. Well I started going to the bathroom at about 8:30 am and didn't stop all night. I lost everything in my system through that or vomiting so needless to say my January 2nd was NOT a blast. I literally had no energy to even walk around so I did my job from the bed while my wonderful boyfriend handled all the details. Anthony did dishes, cleaned my room, cleaned up vomit, ran around getting me everything I needed, and kept Chris out of my hair and doing what he needed to do. I am so freakin blessed to have this man.

So to report on my consistency for yesterday, I seriously did tell Anthony how lucky I was to have him and tried to be courteous to his needs although I was a mess. I didn't eat anything so no worries on eating heathfully. I didn't take my meds because I was not eating and that isn't safe. I didn't read my Bible but you can bet your sweet behind, I prayed. I will catch up with Bible reading today and try to get my chores accomplished but I am still rather weak and very nauseous. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me. I will blog later today about my January 3rd. Hopefully it's better.

--E--

Cleaning the corners in the New Year.

Well first of all, Happy New Year everyone! 2007 is sure to be a great year! I am starting the new year right with a blog. I just read a great devotional and it was about our lives with God and how we have sins that are obvious in our lives like the major housecleaning that takes place in our houses daily. You know what I mean; washing dishes, sweeping floors, cleaning out the fridge (my most hated) and those types of things. These relate the obvious sins like lying, stealing, lusting, cursing, hate, greed, etc... These can be the obvious ones and difficult to work with just like the others. Then there are the less obvious sins or the dirty corners. In our houses this relates to cleaning baseboards, scrubbing under the fridge, cleaning out the junk drawers and closets, etc... These are the less obvious messes but still harmful to the cleanliness of your house. These are like the less obvious sins in our lives like "white lies", hidden agendas, manipulation, bad attitudes, procrastination, etc... These are the ones I am paying attention to in the new year.

I wrote before how I really want to work with inconsistency so what better place to begin than on a new start on January 1st! Today I had a healthy breakfast, took my meds, was nice to my bf, am blogging, and intend to delve into my WORD in just a bit. I am reading and answering emails, making a todo list to organize my time, planning on hitting the sack at 11:30 for good health, cleaning my room, doing laundry, organizing and just plain getting it right in the New Year.

The most pressing thing I really want to address in 2007 though is my corners. I want to address those bad attitudes and bad habits that leave me really wanting more of God and not fully able to reach Him. They hinder my spirituality, my relationships, and my well-being. I intend to really pull the furniture out this year and let my dirt be exposed. I hope everyone that reads this has a chance to pull the "fridge" out and get the crumbs. God reaches us in our most vulnerable state. My 2007 is going to be about Love, forgiveness, cleaning, organizing, managing, and mainly becoming the woman I was intended to be for my God, myself, my husband, and my children! Hopefully God and others will be loved better this year!

To a new year, Cheers!

--Erica @ work--

The work begins.

As I pondered the new year, I have thought of several dozen things I would really like to work on in me. I know that as my years come and go I will find things about myself that are really great, things that need work, and things I didn't even know about. I know I will find patterns that don't work, communication styles that need revamped, and relationships that need roto-rootered. That is the lovely part about only being 26. I was talking today to someone I really respect who is coming up on their 60th birthday on Friday. She is literally one of my mentors, heros, and almost like a mother to me. She has helped God in molding me into the woman I am to become in the long run. She has encouraged me, prayed with and for me, and mostly driven me onto being more than I was raised to be. In saying that, I only hope I am 1/2 as wise as her when I am 60.

I have decided that the new project is to start working on these things one at a time and not overwhelm myself. This means I will take one weakness of mine and blog it to death. I will modify my behavior, work on my emotions that surround it, find out why I do it, and try to overcome it or accept it as a personality characteristic. Sometimes I will have to just accept it might be something I struggle with forever.

The first thing that pops into my mind when I think of my authentic weaknesses is Inconsistency!!

This covers just about every single facet of my life including but not limited to; my diet, my weight, my health practices, my motivation and drive, my academics, my work ethic, my moral obligations, my ethical guidelines, my Bible reading, my prayer life, my church attendance, my kindness in relationships, my friendship levels, my blogging, and even down to my water intake. I know that this is a serious problem in my character and life and shapes me in so many ways as well as adds stress to my life.

My first step to recovery in this area is to really assess where I do this and how I do it. I think I will start in the most important place: My spirituality!

Quiet Time: This is an area where I really struggle. I need to build a habit of first having about 15-20 minutes of quiet time every day.

Prayer Life: This is an area where I do better but only when I really NEED God and not just to grow in my relationship; I am going to commit to prayer each day, there will be no time limit and no restrictions. This is to create a more welcome prayer life as opposed to strict guidelines I won't hold to.

Bible Reading: I am going to commit to the one year bible this year and try to just digest the Bible a little at a time so that I can truly get God's word.

Church Attendance: I have been really horrible about this so I know I need to start at the beginning. I am going to commit to going to church once a month through 2007.

These things are #1 on my list to really try to be consistent in. I want them so badly that I will do anything to build the habits of being in HIS presence. I am going to see if I can just do this and let myself slide on some other items until I get my footing in this most important one. I am not sure this will solve my inconsistency problem but I want my relationship with God to be a priority. I am going to start this immediately so that I can begin to feel strong in my faith first.

I will be reporting on how this is going first until I really learn how to be completely consistent in one area of my life. I will start this tonight when I have some time to myself. I won't be attending church until the new year since I am going to Indiana but the other things are going to be happening.

I really love my blog because it gives me a place to kind of throw everything out and think it through.

--E--

Being introspective

Tonight I was sitting in my room reflecting after a good day that turned a bit bad. Today was Anthony's 26th birthday and it went wonderfully. We celebrated with gifts, a movie, a cake, and lunch at Buca De Beppos! We enjoyed some really intimate time together and enjoyed each other's company so very much. We shared some Fettucini Alfredo with chicken, red peppers, and broccoli as well as a sampler of all different kinds of baked pastas and some great fresh bread with olive oil and vinegar. It was an amazing meal with an amazing man. We finished our meal and headed to target to create our awesome greeting cards on the digital picture thing. They are way cute and if you are reading this, you are probably getting a copy. I am very proud of them. We are so happy together and for once in my life, I love back. I am so excited about our future and every step we take together is such a monumental time and an enjoyment.

Later on in the evening, I had someone really violate my personal business. I can't really go into details on here and describe what happened nor who did it, but I can say that I am terribly angered, hurt, and annoyed by this violation. They not only attacked my personal character, my work ethic, and my spirituality but also my relationship with Anthony which is a place where noone is welcome to tread. This relationship is the first thing I have done right in years and I am proud of it, protective of it, and all about being focused on keeping it sacred.

Needless to say, I am a little bit introspective today because when you have a wonderful day, you already just think a lot about your life. I have been thinking about how special it is to be with Anthony. I have been thinking about how amazing it is to look at rings with him, think about the future, and dream together. Also, since this other "event" happened tonight, I have had time to ponder the things about me that this person has attacked. I have been thinking about how I can clean up my character, my work ethic, my spirituality, and my relationship with Anthony. I should say, this person was completely incorrect in their assessment of me but either way, I am hoping I don't reflect any of this. I am really hurting, angry, and tired of this person and their opinions.

Tonight I sat down with my journal and started to think. I wrote down my strengths and weaknesses first. I am really unhappy with many areas of my life just like many people are I am sure. I am also entirely proud of some of the growth that has happened in my life in the last 6 years now. Since a fateful day in my life, I have powered through making changes and really fought against some of the things I was raised in. I have set up boundaries, made good choices, pursued my dreams, accomplished some serious goals, and established a healthy romantic relationship. I want to give myself the credit I am due but some of me is really disappointed in myself and can't stop thinking about the failures that have surrounded all of these successes.

Tonight, I am going to journal a little more and pray over these things so much to see where God wants to take me in this journey. I know I have come far but I really hope there are more places to go. This new year, I am not making resolutions but true and solid goals with steps and plans to accomplish them! I love myself enough to see it and work through it.

--E--

Happy Birthday to the man that completes me

Today is my Prince's birthday. Anthony is turning 26 today and I am so blessed to have him in my life to share it with him. I am in love people and God has truly given me the world. I hope he knows just how much I adore him. He makes my life better and more than that, makes me better! I love you babe and Happy Birthday!

A new year on the horizon.

So it's almost 2007! I can't believe how quickly this year went and how many crazy things happened and how many great things happened and how many things I learned. I thought it would be good to start reflecting on 2006 and start looking forward to 2007 and the changes it will bring. I have had a very hard day today that included a job problem, a school problem, and friendship issues. I have no idea why this day happened but I am ending it by being in a contemplative mood about my life and what I want out of it. Here are some things I thought I would jot down.

Things I have learned in 2006:

-- Bigots will be bigots even if you try to educate them.

-- Fighting with someone who is in ignorance is only a way to stoop to their level.

-- Sometimes when you go home, it isn't home anymore.

--Letting go is the hardest part of truly loving someone.

--Losing someone over money is not worth it.

--There are some people who will NEVER change and I must accept that.

--Love comes when you least expect it and when you can't take any more fakes.

--I can wear a dress and I don't look horrible in it.

--I have good features that draw others to me and I won't let people tell me I don't.

--Hearing negative feedback is not easy for me but I would rather hear it then miss the point.

--I was good enough for Grad School.

--There is a diagnosis that made my childhood hard.

--There were a lot of lies given to me about my father and I am happy to get them debunked.

--Someone loves me for me and I don't blame him, I have become someone I am proud of.

That's all I have to say I have learned up until now but I am sure there are hundreds more where that came from. The next list is the things I really want to accomplish in 2007 (ideally)

1. Develop a relationship with God that is completely mine and sort out what I believe and think about Him.

2. Read the Bible through again.

3. Find a church home and attend faithfully.

4. Go to all doctor appointments and accept diabetes.

5. Learn how to maintain diabetes in the best way possible.

6. Lose weight (not a specific amount)

7. Start and continue a work out plan for my life.

8. Eat better (PERIOD)

9. Create a budget that works to get debts paid off.

10. Pay off all debt besides student loans by December 31, 2007.

11. Create a savings account and accumulate at least $1,000 savings

12. Attend therapy for myself and find a couples therapist.

13. Deal with key issues in therapy and start to really be more open and authentic in relationships.

14. Be slow and deliberate in how I love Anthony.

15. Develop close and intimate girl friendships and do not focus on male friendships.

16. Enjoy reading again and really develop a strong literary base.

17. Take up a sport that i enjoy and play it for fun and fitness.

18. Do one nice thing for myself per month that is not about food.

19. Have one date with Erica per month.

20. Do all reading for Grad School and prepare for classes adequately.

21. Create a time schedule for my life that prohibits procrastination.

22. Attend all classes and ask questions when I am confused.

23. Join study groups and be involved with classmates in Grad School to get full experience.

24. Be in close contact with academic advisor, physician, professors, and therapists to create the best learning environment.

25. Find a practicum site that utlizes my talents and also challenges my weaknesses.

26. Pray each day for my relationship, my education, career, job, and otherwise

27. Learn to listen better!!!!!

28. Be more gentle in my speech.

29. Work on taking negative feedback better and accepting it in love.

30. Explore my female side better this year and learn more about it.

31. Learn black history to the best of my ability.

32. Learn at least beginning spanish.

33. Keep up with home life when doing school.

34. Do the best I can with my job for Chris.

35. Be honest in all of my endeavors with others.

36. Be ethical in all that I do, and moral.

37. Start to really allow myself the dreams of a wedding and a future.

38. Make concrete plans for my health in preparing to have children.

39. Be a better friend in every way.

40. Strive to be the best Erica I can possibly be each day!!!!

That's it so far!

Coping.

My family life continues to amaze me and yet, not really. Today I got another call from the family saying that my mom has severely lost her mind. I don't think she's ever been ok. I don't think she will ever take responsibility or gain self. I don't think she will ever take care of her truly! I have lost my faith in her recovery but I have gained my faith in my savior to be with me through it.

Today, I went to school and gave a presentation that I didn't think I had the strength for. I presented and I presented well! I am proud of myself no matter what she is! No matter who she is. No matter who she thinks I am! I am coping with the loss of a mother I never had!

Old loves part II

So I was speaking before about old loves and first loves. I was talking about reading and softball so I decided to talk about the book I just picked up a few days ago. I just started a book called "Alentejo Blue" by Monica Ali which was on Oprah's summer reading list. I am about to start the book club list but this book will be first. I have tried to make time this weekend to watch tv, read fun literature, do homework, hang out with the boyfriend, talk with friends, etc... While that is true, I found that I was getting rather lazy about my body. I am eating what I want to eat, not exercising, and not really taking care of my medications properly so tomorrow I am back in diabetic action. I am going to find out about insurance, take medications, work on my eating plan, and work out. I don't want to lose my first love, which is me!

Recapturing my first loves.

Today I was thinking about my first loves. Not the boys that captured my heart when I was young and made it go pitter patter. Not the celebrities like Michael Jackson that had me doing the moonwalk and wearing only one glove. I am talking about the things that I truly enjoy. We all come into the world as someone. We come in with an attitude, a personality, interests, passions, dreams, goals, and desires. We obviously develop these over time and learning things but the thing that mostly I think is that we are hardwired from God as well. I truly believe that I was truly ERICA the minute I was conceived. I am me and I am totally not able to be replicated. I think that this is GREAT and I am happy to be me. I was thinking today that I truly need to get back to my true loves.

Anthony is the love of my life in so many ways. He is a man who makes me blush when he says I am beautiful. He is the man who makes my stomach have butterflies when I haven't seen him for a bit and I miss him and I am about to see him. He is the man who makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and tears form at my eyes. He is the man whose voice makes me smile just with hello. He is the man who I hate hurting and I am uneasy the minute I do.

There are other loves in my life like my sisters and a love I can't even explain. I want to protect them from everything. I love my friends and I can't even begin to say the things I wish they had in their lives. I love Christmas and traditions of love and gift-giving and carol singing. I love Vanguard and how the minute I stepped on campus, it became home. I love a great breakfast in the quiet of the morning. I love biscuits and gravy and the way they make me full and help me nap. I love a really great sleep that makes you feel new when you wake.

I love a lot of things and the love is different but what I was thinking about getting back to is doing the THINGS I love doing. One of the ones that formed at my mind immediately was reading and good literature. I decided to join Oprah's book club and start reading things that I make myself feel guilty for reading because it isn't school related. I used to escape with books and at the library when I was younger and being abused in my home. Books were my escape. I am choosing today to get back to that and start reading for fun again. I really loved that!

I loved softball so much when I was younger. I would go across the street and throw the ball against a wall by myself just to play catch. I would wear my uniform on days when I didn't even have a game. I loved being at bat and seeing my cleet marks in the dirt. I loved the crack of the bat and the smell of hot dogs from the concession stand. I loved shaking hands with the opposing team and saying good game and heading to the concessions for a snow cone. I truly loved softball. I want to start working on getting my game back by working on my skills again so next year I can join a league.

I loved so many things when I was young and it's a good start to getting back to those things. I am going to start thinking about what I truly and relive those loves yet again while building on them and starting to have new loves like scrapbooking, psychology, organizing, dvd tv series, movies, museums, walks in the cemetary, working out, being healthy, and being Erica!

Thanks for stopping in and reading my rantings.

--E--

Sickness sucks

I am finally beginning to get over this stupid cold I got right before I left for Indiana. I was getting a scratchy throat right before take off and then I was stuck in a plane for 4 hours with a whole bunch of other germy people. My trip to Indiana was brief but overall ok. I got to see my sisters and my friend Carrie which was great. I missed a few people while I was home that I intend to see in December.

Tonight I was up in the kitchen talking with Richard about a million things and it was heartwarming to realize the family and life I have here. I have this great boyfriend who I intend to marry if he'll have me. I have a great home to live in that is safe and beautiful and lets me enjoy Christopher and Richard as family. I have beautiful sisters who I love dearly. I have great friends who legitimately care about me so much. Overall, I have a great network of people and I am terribly lucky.

I was also thinking about Toys for Tots this year and Anthony and I are starting to think about what Christmas Traditions we want to instill in our relationship. We have decided that each year we are going to go out and buy one girl toy and one boy toy to give to toys for tots for the children who do NOT have things that we did or do have. I have also decided to take Christopher to do this and teach him that value this year.

Anthony and I are really enjoying our relationship and learning so much about each other. We have been together for 5 months and it has been so special. I love him and all the things he brings to my life. We are going to have such a beautiful life together. I can't wait to see where God takes us.

I am going to sign off for the night and try to write more often.

--E--

Christmas lights and cards

Well it is official, Erica's holiday season has just kicked into motion. I usually start around Thanksgiving getting excited about Christmas, travel plans, buying gifts, lights, cards, and sharing with family but this year ...I am early. I think that being truly happy in my life has caused this sudden move toward the holiday season. Don't get me wrong, I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving but we don't really "prepare" for that the way we do Christmas. Last night Anthony and I went to Target and picked out "our" Christmas cards, christmas lights, little Christmas tree, and I bought a gift and my new luggage for my trip home. I am getting truly excited.

We came back to my house and put up lights, put up the tree, and watched "The Santa Claus" which is one of our favorite holiday movies between the two of us. Granted, I love every Christmas movie but this is a favorite. Anthony put lights over my windows as well as on our very small tree. I have included pictures for all to enjoy. Sorry that they are hard to make out, it's not easy taking digital photos of lit up Christmas lights.

Aren't they wonderful? :) Anyway, I thought I would just wish everyone a great Holiday season as I begin to celebrate Jesus' birth, family, friends, a great new life with Anthony, my awesome education, my great job, and my health! I am truly going to rejoice in this Christmas and in the New Year to come! Happy Holidays...starts now!

New stuff....

I have this trend of making just enough money for the things I need and always having a giant guilty conscious when I purchase something I truly want. Lately I have purchased things that kind of sit right in the middle of that at things I want and need. A great example is new tires for my car and my laptop. I am enjoying my laptop so much as it helps me get school work done while doing my actual paying job. Chris can sit next to me and do homework and ask questions while I work on papers, research, study guides, case notes, whatever.

This has led me to be very grateful for the strides I have made in becoming an independent person. My life isn't perfect yet and I am not without debt but I bought my lap top and tires, free and clear. It's nice to know that once you pay for something, it is truly paid for. It's nice to know that you can go home and visit family and not be skipping a bill to do so. Financial things are getting better and I am becoming the woman I really want to be with money.

By the way, I should note in here as well that I have a plane ticket purchased to go home for christmas!!!! I am way excited. I miss my Indiana peeps!

Well, I should get off here and do more 8th grade algebra.

-- E --

Good Morning Jesus

This morning on my way back from taking Chris to school, I had a long talk with Jesus. I am overwhelmed with major school stuff, a fairly new relationship, hundreds of tasks around the house, appointments and meetings, presentations and calls, and the list goes on. This morning I just gave it all to Jesus and asked that he would help me to do my best not for all those waiting in the audience but for HIM.

I realized this morning after spinning my wheels incessantly, it really is all about HIM. I care to please HIM in the long run. I care about being a great therapist because it is what HE called me to. I care about being a good girlfriend and eventually wife to the man HE provided for me and wants me to love. I care about doing well at my job because I want to bring glory to HIM in Chris and Richard's life. Where did my perspective go wrong when I started trying to please everyone else but HIM?

I decided I would stop and get breakfast to take care of my body, drink a bunch of water, and take a shot and just get my list together for the day, realizing that it's all about HIM anyway. Time with him is the essential "chore" and should feel like anything but. Have a great day and try to keep your perspective that it's all about HIM!

-- E --

Anxiety!

Have you ever studied something so long that your mind feels like jello? Well, I have. I could care less at this point what the difference is between Avoidant Personality Disorder and PTSD. I would rather just listen to my launch radio and chill for a week or so. I am tired. I am exhausted, anxious, worried, stressed, and overwhelmed. This tuesday I have the privelage of presenting in two classes, turning in an assignment in one class, and a test in another. YUCK!!!

Lately I have been really having a hard time with anxiety. I am anxious about so many things from my next 3 year plans to what to have for dinner and how many fat cells it might put on my thighs! I really need to make a distinct priorities list and start working toward some serious goals instead of letting them get too much of me.

I am getting ready to have a very big week. I have a therapy appointment, a vet appointment to take mimi to, a doctor appointment to take Chris to, a tb test reading to take Chris to, a session with my client, 9 hours of class, 40+ hours of work among some other tasks which are different in nature. These are getting new tires, an eye doctor appointment, getting a new laptop, buying some Christmas gifts, and of course spending time with my wonderful companion in life, Anthony.

Speaking of, those of you who have been praying for Anthony to find some temporary employment in the midst of his search for his goals or dreams...he has a job now for Pavillions (grocery store out here for you Indiana folks) doing the night stocking job. I am fine with this because it's time I would be sleeping anyway and we can spend time together in the day or on his days off. I just want him to be making some money and moving toward his goals.

Well, I should get going as Anthony has constructed a genius level exam for me to take to prepare for my real exam on tuesday. What a great boyfriend I have! Have a great rest of your weekend!

-- E --

Lifestyles of the struggling and unknown

I discovered over the last few days and even more so today that I can't afford the lifestyle I sincerely want to live. I know a lot of Christians are really picky about how other believers spend their money and to that I say, mind your business. I really like things. I am not materialistic in that if my family or loved ones are struggling, I help first thing. I am not overly concerned with what others have because I like people who are real. The problem is, I like nice clothes, expensive jewelry, acrylic nails, name brands, great shoes, and cosmo magazine. I like to have style and I will spend the money to have it.

I am reasonable in that I don't purchase things I can't afford. I don't buy chapstick until my last stick is gone, that is how meticulous I am about my money. However, I do go out to eat and have great food, order the best wine, and have the largest cell phone plan and sweet cell phone! I plan to one day make the money to back up my more than just these small pieces but I wince to think of what my life will look like until then. I struggle even to pay the bills and then when I do, I feel immense relief. I am going to have so much fun when I do what I love for the money I need and desire. Life will be good. Until then, beans are good for dinner.

--E--

Missing people

Lately I have been going through a lot of feelings of loss. I know that this time of year I turn into a bit of a sap because Christmas makes me think of people who aren't in my life anymore but this year, it started early. Here I come, approaching Halloween and I can't take my mind off my grandpa, my grandma, old friends, and lost relationships. I am broken in thinking about the people I have lost due to death, angry confrontations, broken promises, and just plain old loss of contact.

Today, I heard that my old friend (would have been the maid of honor in my previous wedding) is pregnant with a little girl and will give birth any day now. I think in my mind I always imagined being at her baby shower, picking out baby stuff with her, touching her pregnant belly, and loving that child like my own. I don't even know her anymore. I haven't talked to her for approximately 5 years and it breaks my heart.

Then there is Adolfo. We aren't even friends now and it hurts to think about sharing your life with someone for SOOOO long and then not even having a friendship with them. I know it's unrealistic but ideally...I would have loved it. I am terrified about spending so much time with people and investing so much just to be years down the road, weepy in front of my computer and wishing they were around.

Then there are some who are unmentionable where things have just fallen apart due to new relationships and inappropriate contact and my heart aches. It sincerely does.

Anyway, I think that missing people is hard for me right now. Loss is huge and I have to give it time.

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